Should I tell or keep quiet? | HysterSisters
HysterSisters Hysterectomy Support and Information
Advertising Info HysterSisters Hysterectomy Support Tutorial

Go Back   Hysterectomy HysterSisters > Hysterectomy Support Posts > Preparing for Hysterectomy (pre hysterectomy)


HysterSisters.com is a massive online community with over 475,000 members and over 5 million posts.

Our community is filled with women who have been through the Hysterectomy experience providing both advice and support from our active members and moderators.

HysterSisters.com is located at 111 Peter St, Toronto, Canada, M5V2H1 and is part of the VerticalScope network of websites.

With free registration, you can ask and answer questions in our HYSTERECTOMY forum community, get our FREE BOOKLET, access Hysterectomy Checkpoints and more.

You are not alone. The HysterSisters are here for you. Join us today!
join HysterSisters for hysterectomy resources and support
Reply

Should I tell or keep quiet? Should I tell or keep quiet?

Thread Tools
  #1  
Unread 05-20-2003, 06:21 PM
Should I tell or keep quiet?

My boyfriend keeps asking me if something is wrong and if I want to talk about it. Of course I do but knowing how he thinks and talks. I rather not say anything. But not saying anything will only weigh me down even more. He is very smart man and he loves me to death.

But just once don't respond just shut up and let me speak. Hold me tell me it will be alright. Don't sit there and tell me I am worrying too much. If I am negative on myself and I think I am fat let me speak my mind without him getting upset. Just sit there and comfort me. Is that too much to ask from him?

I want to tell him everything I am going through inside. I look in his eyes and I just want to burst into tears instead I fight them back. I don't think he really understand what us women are really going through.

He is always there for me, but I need him more. I don't want to have to tell him that I need him. I just want him to come to me and do it on his own. Does anyone understand what I mean?

Kimbereley
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
  #2  
Unread 05-20-2003, 06:57 PM
Should I tell or keep quiet?

I actually went to counselling after my first marriage to help understand how men "work" a little better. I would be happy to tell you what I have found out!

Most men think that when we tell them something, that we expect them to fix it. They really dont understand that we just want someone to listen and sympathize. They truly believe we want them to make it all better by doing something to fix it. Does that make sense?

Its not just your man who does this. Every man I ever knew was like this. No you dont expect too much, but he doesnt really understand what you need from him. I think they are programmed from birth to be that way. LOL

I understand what you need and want. Maybe you could gently explain to him that you simply need a shoulder to cry on, someone to hold you without judging or trying to fix things. Maybe if you do this, he will try to be a little more supportive in the way you need him to be.

Good luck
  #3  
Unread 05-20-2003, 07:18 PM
Should I tell or keep quiet?

Do you know what answer is driving me nuts lately? When people say, "Think positive." It's not a matter of thinking positive. You can be thinking positive, but when you are stressed, and not feeling well, you feel weak and need to be reasured. So I ask myself, why are other people's needs more important than my own, even my husbands? Boy do i miss my mother right now. She died a while back. But she would have said everything I need to hear right now. I think most people are selfish, including me. My husband isn't the real mushy kind, it's been fine most of the time, but right now I want to hear, "You beautiful even with the pounds you've gained, and the fact your hair is sticking up, and you've taken to wearing baggy cloths, etc..." But even if he did say it right now, most likely I wouldn't beleive him. I have low self esteem, and truely I don't want to go into ALL the details about my surgery because it doesn't make me feel any sexier! Sigh... it will get better. I'm looking at the glass half full, it's just srung a little leak. =0)
sheley
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
  #4  
Unread 05-20-2003, 08:15 PM
Should I tell or keep quiet?

Yes, I know what you mean. I used to feel that way a lot. Now I understand that it's my responsibility to let my loved ones know when I need their support and help. Please, if this man is somebody you want in your life, talk to him. If he doesn't treat you the way you want to be treated maybe he's not worth keeping around.
  #5  
Unread 05-20-2003, 10:22 PM
agree..

I agree that it would be good to talk to him about it. And, like one poster said--- start with "I don't need you to fix this, I just need to be held..."

Some guys want to know the ins and outs of this stuff but are too embarrassed to ask. Maybe he needs more 'knowledge' before he is able to just listen. Just a thought.
  #6  
Unread 05-20-2003, 10:30 PM
Don't I know it...

I hear what you are all saying!! Unfortunately our loved ones don't always hear us. I've been so emotional lately that I don't even know who I am. Kinda nice that way because the other day I finally had words with my Aunt (my mom's sister) about the way she has been towards me since I found out that I have to get a LAVH! I swear she thinks that it is a walk in the park for me just because I have kids. That's not the point! I am having major freeking surgery here! She worked on a OB/GYN floor about 12 million years ago...okay 15 and says that all of the women that had pain after the surgery were the ones who layed there and didn't get on w/ their daily lives and that I shouldn't need help w/ my kids after a week. Now I'm sure that since she knew none of these women personally (I asked her) and since she has not gone through this her self she has no clue what they did or didn't feel after they were home w/o morphine!

Sorry to ramble but dang! I wish I had my mommy too!!! Mine passed away when I was 17, so there isn't alot of that family support here, but suprisingly when I vented to my ex-hubby he was the most supportive. So some eventually do get the hint that we need to just cry and rage some times...even if they are about 3 years late!!

I wish you all luck and speedy recoveries!!
  #7  
Unread 05-20-2003, 10:38 PM
Should I tell or keep quiet?

I've been married so long I'm way passed the point of thinking my husband will read my mind. Before my surgery, when I was worried I'd tell my husband, "Re-assure me." He'd say, "What do you want to hear?" I'd tell him the worry of the moment, for instance, I'd say, "Tell me I won't have a stroke during surgery and be an invalid forever." And he would!

Don't make him guess. Say EXACTLY what you want. He won't know until you tell him.
  #8  
Unread 05-20-2003, 11:48 PM
Should I tell or keep quiet?

HepCat you made me laugh aloud at your example of getting reassurance from hubby!

It is true, you know. Mine does it too. If I talk about something he thinks I want him to fix it. If he can't fix it he gets distressed, which makes him defensive, which makes him unpleasant.

As much of a cliche as it is, I highly recommend the book Men Are from Mars, Women are from Venus. Neither of us had a clue how badly our communication was crossed until we read that and started talking about it.

Now I know that if I just want hugs, I have to let him know I'm not looking to be "fixed".

I also know that if he talks to me about something, I should be trying to think of answers to "fix" it!!
  #9  
Unread 05-21-2003, 12:26 AM
Should I tell or keep quiet?

Hi Kimberley I know what you mean, my DBF is just like yours. It has been soooo hard because I've been through four surgeries in the last 3 years, and while he has been great about doing helpful things like coming over and cooking me a dinner, or taking me to the grocery store, or doing household chores, all of which I do appreciate, he has never done the one thing I really, really need, which is just as you describe. Sit there quietly, hold me, listen to me, let me let it all go in his arms. No way can that happen. It's just way too scary for him.

It has to do with that fixing thing. Guys are very, very scared of things (especially us) that are outside of their control. If we start crying uncontrollably and moaning about how we are scared, hurt, etc., they can't take it. They'll run if they can. Some of them, after many years of 'training', can learn to stay and fight their instincts to get away, but those are the rare ones. If anyone out there has one of those, I'd encourage you to hold onto him, you have a prize.

Not that our guys aren't prizes too, in some ways... but it's hard to think of them that way when they're acting like deer caught in headlights, or busy trying to tell us how we're overreacting. Hey, when they tell us we're overreacting, I think that's what they would like to be true. They would like to know that whatever it is we're worried about will just magically disappear or turn out to be nothing at all.

Here's an analogy. It's fresh in my mind because of something that happened to me this past week. When DBF and I have a disagreement (and we have been together about 8 years, a pretty long time, and gotten through lots of pretty major things together), he will most times pitch a hissy fit and then hide. Nothing I say can get him to come back and work it out, so I've learned not to bother trying. He can go away for a few days, calm down, and then magically the problem goes away ----- FOR HIM. I, OTOH, have been stewing the entire time until I am like Mount Vesuvius ready to blow at any moment.

I don't know what chromosome that gene is on, but they have one that allows problems to disappear by magic if they ignore them long enough. So, when they tell us we're overreacting, it's nothing... I think they think that if we just shut up and pretend it's not happening, it will slip by unnoticed. HA! Unfortunately, we can't really do that with this surgery.

I'm with you on the fat thing, too... I gained weight pre and post op both, and it bothered me quite a lot for a while. I was never happy with what I saw in the mirror. It just didn't look like me (to me). But any time I would say anything about it to him, he would brush it off and (too his credit) tell me he loved me this way. That should have made me feel really good, but all I could think was "is he crazy? or blind? can't he see how different I look, how my jeans don't fit me, how I don't look the same in a bathing suit?" I wanted him to just once, acknowledge that I had a right to feel like I wasn't quite 'me'. I wanted him to say "I'm sorry you're having so much trouble, I know it's hard for you to look in the mirror and see a stranger, but she's not really a stranger, and I love her". Yeah, right, in my dreams. We have to learn to say it to ourselves if we want to hear that.

Your DBF sounds like he is genuinely interested in trying to listen to you. Maybe you could try, next time he asks if you want to talk about it, telling him that you would really like to, but it's important to you that he not try to dissuade you from feeling the way you do... that you really need him to understand how you're feeling and acknowledge that you have a right to feel that way? And tell him that it will help you soooo much if he can just listen and understand, that you're not looking for any answers or any action from him? It's worth a try... maybe you should give him a chance to show you he can be supportive if he understands what 'supportive' means to you?

Good luck sweetie, I'm glad you have us to talk with about this, wish we could give you some real s too.

-Linda
  #10  
Unread 05-21-2003, 01:22 AM
Should I tell or keep quiet?

Sometimes I think a lot of people are cut out of the same cloth...

I have been married to my DH for 17 years and have run across the same or similar circumstances you all have and felt the same way too.

Sometimes you just have to open up and *tell* them what you really do need.

Men are wired differently than we are and I have learned to accept the different nuances that come with the whole package and just love him and myself the best way I know how.

When we were younger and had disagreements, usually it would be let go by both of us for a while or even a few days till we both had a chance to think things over. Then we could have a calm discussion and clear the air. Alot can depend on what is going on in day-to-day life too as to how a person handles or perceives things too.

I have learned instead of telling your man..."you make me feel..." . That sets them up for defensive mode. You might want to start out differently, more directly from you instead of pointing the finger...like "I need" or "I feel...".

I guess we have learned to deal with each others moods and act accordingly to help keep the waters calm, especially in a tense situation but we still are able to deal with things together later.
Can take some effort but its worth the work in the long run if you really care about the other person.

I wish we could offer real hugs too instead of cyber ones but this is the next best thing to being there.

Lots of s

I hope things go better for you. Please feel free to come and talk to us anytime. There are always lots of s and to go around whenever you need us.
Reply

booklet
Our Free Booklet
What 350,000 Women Know About Hysterectomy: Information, helpful hints as you prepare and recover from hysterectomy.
Answers to your questions
Register




Thread Tools

Forum Jump

Similar Threads
From This Forum From Other Forums
7 Replies, Last Reply 07-14-2008, Started By kat17046
3 Replies, Last Reply 07-12-2008, Started By faithandfreedom
7 Replies, Last Reply 07-05-2005, Started By delielah
2 Replies, Last Reply 10-09-2003, Started By YARRINGTON
19 Replies, Last Reply 10-08-2003, Started By YARRINGTON
4 Replies, Last Reply 08-01-2002, Started By MonaD
1 Reply, Hysterectomy Recovery (post hysterectomy)
7 Replies, Hysterectomy Recovery (post hysterectomy)
6 Replies, B.E.S.T.-(Better Eaters Support Team)
2 Replies, Hysterectomy Recovery (post hysterectomy)
15 Replies, Work it Out - Fitness in Action
5 Replies, Hysterectomy Recovery (post hysterectomy)
13 Replies, No Uterus - No Ovaries - Yes HRT - Surgical Menopause
2 Replies, Prayer Requests for Hyster Sisters
3 Replies, Prayer Requests for Hyster Sisters
2 Replies, The Road Less Traveled



Advertisement

Hysterectomy News

September 16,2021

CURRENT NEWS

HysterSisters Takes On Partner To Manage Continued Growth And Longevity
I have news that is wonderful and exciting! This week’s migration wasn’t a typical migration - from one set ... News Archive

TODAY'S EVENTS

Calendar - Hysterectomies - Birthdays


Request Information


I am a HysterSister

HYSTERECTOMY STORIES

Featured Story - All Stories - Share Yours

FOLLOW US


Your Hysterectomy Date


CUSTOMIZE Your Browsing  


$vbulletin->featuredvideos is not an array!
Advertisement


Advertisement