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Just Reaching out...to cry and say CANCER stinks! Just Reaching out...to cry and say CANCER stinks!

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Unread 06-03-2003, 02:38 AM
Just Reaching out...to cry and say CANCER stinks!

Just Reaching out...to cry and say CANCER stinks!

This crazy thing... called cancer.... is there a way to control depression? I'm suffering from an irritating bought of it. Irritating in the fact that I can't control
I'm totally unmotivated at my work. Which is really unusual for a workaholic like me. An overachiever from a long time ago. I can't talk about things at my office, for obvious reason, people never know how to react do they? I know in the past I never knew. I down play everything, just trying to hang on to my job though if I had my way, I would retire... but I would be a broke retiree. haha I know half of the battle is being positive, but all I want to do is run away and cry sometimes.

To add to the joy of having my normal problems, Sunday I started loosing massive blood clots. I spent a night of hysteria last night after passing another one. I want to think this is nothing. Gosh, I feel like I'm having a pity party! I read posts here and I have no problems compared to some. I guess I wished I knew what to expect before it happended and then knew exactly how to deal with it, I would be much better off, but that would be too nice. *sigh*

I had an exploratory last week and thought on Sunday it was just some loose debris that I was losing, but I have had exploratory before and it never happened. Well, here I am loosing fresh blood as if I have been shot! Is it fibroid cysts? My gyn has mentioned nothing. I'm really at a loss and she is on vacation.

And lastly in my little pity party here, I want to thank all of you wonderful ladies who have responded to me. I feel so blessed. Thank you for being there. My heart aches for your sorrows, it laughs with your joys and is happy for your successes. Gosh, without you guys, what would I do. Thanks for being in my life!

Hugs and Blessings
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Unread 06-03-2003, 08:05 AM
Just Reaching out...to cry and say CANCER stinks!

Hi Maria,

I hope you are feeling better. Everything you said is so true. i also downplayed everything, not wanting people to feel bad around me. There are medications for depression if it persists and nothing relieves it. For me, prayer, staying active, sharing my feelings with the sister on this board who do understand helped. I also have a priest friend I wrote too, and just having him listen helped.
Unread 06-03-2003, 08:37 AM
Just Reaching out...to cry and say CANCER stinks!

Maria, I identify so much with everything you've said. The gamut of emotions that I've encountered just in the few short weeks since my surgery/diagnosis amazes me. I always assumed that I had some "control" over my own life and today, sometimes I feel very much out of control. And that frustrates me so much.

I don't know that we can be positive all the time. I think that's unrealistic. But I have a better shot at being positive if I acknowledge all my feelings, even the ugly ones (and not feel guilty about them), and move on. I do believe that positive attitudes change everything.

Someone shared something with me the other day. In their opinion, the approach to treating cancer today is getting to be much like the approach with other treatable diseases, for example, diabetes. You know, monitoring - treatment. That helped me. Even my dr suggested the same thing. She told me of another patient who was diagnosed/treated for ovarian 11 years ago. They continually monitor this woman's CA125 and if it goes up (as hers does from time to time), then they treat accordingly.

Cancer does stink. It rots and it's the enemy.

What helps me? My believe that God has a plan for me. My dh and I are in the process of adopting a baby (we started this process a long time ago) and I truly believe that I am supposed to be her mother for a long time to come. Everything else is just a detail that will be sorted out. So, armed with my belief in God's plan, I'll do what I need to do so that I can fulfill that plan.

BIG HUGS to you. Know that you're not alone and God bless.
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Unread 06-03-2003, 08:41 AM

Especially when one is having problems with it and then facing treatment and wondering about all the "what if's" and the depression that I'm finding the more people talk about it is pretty widespread. I finally asked for an anti-depressant, a big step for me, and got one last Sept. It has worked well until a few weeks ago, so I think I need it increased or changed. And I'm not ashamed to admit that to the Dr. I downplayed a lot of things (especially my fears and depression) but I also used the opportunity at work (have since retired--early retirement plus SSDI) to educate about ovarian cancer (which I have) and let people see tht having cancer didn't mean you were edbound, dying. But it still STINKS--big time! Ellen
Unread 06-03-2003, 09:32 AM
Just Reaching out...to cry and say CANCER stinks!

all i can say is yep.

Unread 06-03-2003, 02:54 PM
Just Reaching out...to cry and say CANCER stinks!

I agree, Cancer Stinks. Sometimes it just feels better to be able to say that. You can say that on this board whenever you need to.

Ruth S
Unread 06-03-2003, 03:31 PM
Four Years Later

I cannot believe how much better my life is four years after my cancer diagnosis. Cancer hits like a "terrorist attack." I'd like to do a "then" and "now" list. Some of the items in the "then" list continued for the better part of two or more years. Slowly and steadily I rebuilt my life like NYC is rebuilding after the terrorist attack. Although my life is much different now, it is so much better and I would not go back to my before cancer life for all the money in the world. I truly love my life after cancer.


--Felt I had no control over my life (I was always a person who wanted to control myself, but not to control others).

-Thrown into surgical menopause by surgery. Didn't sleep for the better part of 6 months.

--Couldn't concentrate at work, experienced extreme anxiety. Couldn't take hormones because of the cancer.

--Fear of death, recurrence, loss of control, treatment side effects including abdominal attacks from surgery and/or radiation; bowel urgency from radiation.

--Big-time insurance problems, almost drove me mad (considered the endless problems worse than a "second cancer")


--So many new friends and social activities since cancer that I never would have believed it possible.

--Actually more control over life now; willingness to say "no" to people, places and things I don't want to waste time on. To gain control, went to support groups, began helping others, doing endometrial cancer advocacy, researched everything about my cancer, got medication to get over the hump with anxiety, concentration, and sleeping issues.

Tackled the insurance issues one bill at a time and contacted patient advocacy organizations and my congressman for assistance with those I couldn't resolve on my own.

--Wonderful relationship with my health care providers, especially my gynecologic oncologist and radiation oncologist. (Oncologists are truly the greatest, they are the only doctors of my group who give hugs and kisses at every visit).

For me, there was no way around the issues and problems but going through them. Rebuilding a life after cancer is like rebuilding a city after a terrorist attack; one brick at a time.

Although I considered myself to be in excellent health before cancer, I now eat better, sleep better, look better, feel better, exercise more, am constantly learning, and feel my life truly has a meaning and purpose that far surpasses anything I might have imagined in my pre-cancer life. Four years after my diagnosis, I now firmly believe what Lance Armstrong said in his book, "It's Not About the Bike." He said "we are the lucky ones."

Unread 06-03-2003, 03:58 PM
Just Reaching out...to cry and say CANCER stinks!

Moekay - you're awesome! Thanks for sharing that!
Unread 06-03-2003, 05:49 PM
Just Reaching out...to cry and say CANCER stinks!

MoeKay --

What a wonderful note! I found it very inspirational. I read the Lance Armstrong book shortly after surgery. And I am finding that a lot of things he wrote are proving true. I can say that much of what you wrote is already proving true for me.

To your list I would add that I am also eliminating toxic people from my life. I'm a forgiving sort and tend to let people hurt me without saying all that much about it. No more. Thankfully, I can honestly say there were only two people that I basically had to just stop talking to. Most of my friends are wonderful, supportive people. And old friends have been coming out of the woodwork to write to me or call.

Like you, I can say that my life -- even while undergoing chemo -- is already better in a lot of ways. I've cut out coffee and wine, and have reduced sugar and dairy. I'm eating healthier than I've ever eaten. I'm going on three-mile hikes every morning, so I'm exercising more than I did before. I got away from a boyfriend who wasn't good for me. I'm reconnecting with old friends. And though I've always been a tolerant and happy sort of person, I'm now even less inclined to be upset about stupid stuff. Life is itself a blessing. While I have always been very grateful for everything in my life, I am even more so now.

MariaCoo --

You're going through so much right now. Everything you're feeling is familiar to most of us on this board. When I got my diagnosis, I cried. Before my surgery, I cried. I cried and cried before chemo, because I was so scared of it. And I cried at a support group last night while hearing about someone who was in the hospital and isn't doing well.

I believe that cancer has something to teach me, and I'm keeping my mind open to everything it has to bring me. But in general, I think most of us would prefer having never gotten this awful diagnosis. Now that I have it, I'm trying to turn it into a positive as much as I can.

I will say that I had to curtail work quite a bit to properly deal with my diagnosis. I know that some people work throughout their treatment. But for me, it wasn't the right thing to do. I'm doing a bit of contract work via computer, and continue to do some photography, but I have been trying to give my body the time and space it needs to heal.

I don't want to be looked upon as "cancer girl" for the rest of my life, but I have not kept my condition secret from my friends. I hope -- no, I know! -- that I will get through this treatment successfully and be able to leave all this behind me. But I also know that I cannot live life the way I did before, and I will need to be more careful with my body going forward to ensure my continued health.

Can you call someone else about the clots if she's on vacation? It seems like you should be able to get someone look at you, especially if you're bleeding like you've been shot. I hope you can see another doctor.

s to everyone!
Unread 06-03-2003, 07:08 PM

The last post's were so beautiful, however, I am beginning to feel blessed that I get to read them! And I am blessed to have "met" so many strong women through this forum, and to find my own strength. Like SirenSong, I am exercising more and eating better. I have found out how many people care about me. Even people I don't really know that well. Our neighborhood cooked my family dinner for 2 weeks after my surgery - complete with dessert, every night. Some of these people I don't know.

So I think that there are blessings to be found. I hope you find some peace and some answers. Keep posting. Everyone here is so wonderful.

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