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Am I really being selfish? Am I really being selfish?

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Unread 06-20-2003, 04:43 PM
Am I really being selfish?

Hi Ladies,

I had my tah/bso in May 2002 at the age of 19. During the past 6 months the pain has returned and a lap has confirmed that the endo is back. I've been on lupron and was told that during the lap, all the endo was removed. I am back in pain and 2 weeks ago I was told that it was back yet again and they are not sure what else they can do.

That is not my problem, my problem is a close family friend. Her daughter in law is pregnant and she continues to explain to me how it feels for her dil to be that way. I really don't want to hear that. The news that the endo is back for the second time since the hyst has hit me hard and I don't want to hear about someone experiencing something I will never get a chance to. I tried to polietly explain that, but she would not listen to me.

The other night, she called and told me about the baby shower she is planning for her dil. She wants both my mother and I to attend. I told her that I don't think I am up to that because it still hurts and I don't know if I can deal yet. I've never really "grieved" after the surgery and have dealt fine with the fact of not having children. However, since I was told the endo is back again, I've been thinking that I've made a mistake even if the surgery was necessary to improve my life. My pelvis was a mess and I couldn't walk because of the pain. I know that I had to have the surgery, but that doesn't stop me from thinking that I shouldn't of had it.

Anyhow, back to my question. When I said that I don't think I can do the whole baby shower thing, I was told that I am selfish and just want to take the day away from her dil. That upset me so much. I am nothing but happy for her, her dil and son. So, my question to you all I really being selfish? I can cry just thinking about going to the shower and seeing her pregnant and talking about being pregnant. I know that it would just tear me up. My mother, who has been my biggest supporter, told me that I have to get over it soon. Is it normal to feel this way so far from the surgery? It has only hit since I saw the doc 2 weeks ago.

Thanks for listening, guess I just had to vent seeing how I'm all selfish and stuff

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Unread 06-20-2003, 07:39 PM
Am I really being selfish?

(((((Candida))))) I don't think you're being selfish at all. There is a grieving process that we have to go through around this surgery, and some of us go through it right away while others don't. You're just finding that it's come back to you now and you're starting to process all those feelings. You will get through it, but you're not there yet. There's nothing wrong or selfish about that!

I think the family friend who told you you just wanted a day away from her dil is the one who's being self centered. What makes her think it has anything to do with your feelings for her or her dil? This has to do with your feelings about YOU, and your body, and seeing her dil and listening to all that baby shower talk is just a trigger for those feelings. If you care to, you might send her a note apologizing for not being able to attend and telling her just that - that it's about you, not her dil. They will get over this a lot faster and easier than you'll get over having to have your hyst so young!

I'm glad you came here to vent. And I'm sorry these people can't understand what you've gone through. Heck, I was 46 when I had my surgery and still had to deal with some feelings of grief, I can only imagine how much deeper the feelings must run for you. I wish I could give you some real sister s right now.

Unread 06-20-2003, 08:21 PM
Am I really being selfish?

Sweetie, I know your pain. I was in the hospital (years ago) after miscarrying my fourth child (4 1/2 months into the pregnancy). My room mate had a tubal ligation. For several days, I was privy to her views about how much trouble children were and how lucky I was to have lost mine.

Incredible how insensitive people can be.

You need to take care of God, you and those you love. If this "friend" were one she would realize that and be supportive.

If you were to attend this shower, how would your friend and her dil feel if you broke down & sobed?

I hope that I am saying this in the right way. I dislike when others lay guilt on wounded souls.

Many hugs,
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Unread 06-20-2003, 08:44 PM
Am I really being selfish?


I don't think you are being selfish at all either.....You have experienced a big loss that affects the rest of your life. Your friend and Mom need to understand that. You need to focus on taking good care of yourself right now, and if that means not attending a baby shower--that is the healthy choice you must make for yourself. I do hope your friend and Mom will understand and support you. This is a process of grieving that you need to go through--and it takes as long as it takes.

Know that you have a lot of support here....
Sending you lots of 's
Unread 06-20-2003, 09:04 PM
Am I really being selfish?

Well if being selfish means taking care of yourself I hope you never stop. What would be really selfish is if you went to the shower and were a basket case, really taking the attention away from the dil. Good grief. You don't owe anybody any explanations. Do what you need to do and don't apologize to anyone. I'm sorry you don't have all the support that you need.
Unread 06-20-2003, 09:32 PM
selfish, not!

Hi, It's not up to other people to tell us what and how long to feel our feelings. If you have issues that are still current, how can you be past them. Additionally, you are only 20, by my addition. You are still growing up! You really haven't had time to live through this. You are between the ages of my kids, 19 and 22, and I know that they would feel like you do.
It is these other people the so-called friends who are selfish. They are so self focused on their own happiness that they have no empathy. They also don't care enough about you and your well being. I say dump them, who needs friends like that. Get some quality friends who care for you as much as for themselves. And if you make an effort to "get over it", do it because time spent being sad is time that you could be out enjoying yourself, and the faster you deal with this, the sooner you can move ahead to your happy future. Best wishes, Barbara
Unread 06-21-2003, 11:11 AM
Am I really being selfish?

Candida, I know what your going thru. I was never able to experience the joy of having a baby also. I had a really hard time dealing with this. I also found it very difficult to attend baby showers (and still do). But, I've also learned that I have to go with my feelings, and If I don't feel like going...I don't, and I don't listen to what people have to say, and I don't feel like I'm being selfish. For those who don't understand....oh well.
You need to worry about you now and you do what you feel is comfortable. My thoughts are with you...Joyce
Unread 06-21-2003, 12:25 PM
Am I really being selfish?


Thanks so much for your great replies. I've spent the last few days feeling guilty and now I realize that I have nothing to feel guilty for. I would understand if someone couldn't attend a function I was holding, for any reason they may give me. I don't see why not people can understand me. I guess, like you've all said, some people are more thoughtful and understanding than others. I know that once I am ready, I will attend baby showers and what not, but until then everyone will just have to get over it. At least that's my whole take on it now after reading your great replies.

Thanks again, you are truly a great group of women and thanks for taking the time to listen and help me out!

Lots of great, big s,
Unread 06-21-2003, 05:08 PM
Am I being selfish?

Canida I do not think you are being selfish at all I think that the other people are forgetting to see that someone they know has been thru a lot and healing for such a surgery has no time line it is a personal and private journey. I think you need to follow what you know is best. I know that somepeople in their joy have a hard time seeing the pain in someone else.I had a previous fosterchild of mine have a baby 11 days after my hysterectomy and she begged me to be in the delivery room however I could not do this I was grieving a loss and could notbring myself to stiffle my pain and smile and be there. My fosterdaughter was very hurt by my denial and it was so hard to smile and chat as she held a newborn but I explained to her how i felt and she needed reminders from time to time she gave me the space I needed and now today her adorable lil. one will run to me with his arms so wide and I am able to enjoy our time. If I had forced myself because people thought I should 'get over it and move on"I know I would not have the bond I have with him.Dont think of yourself as selfish think of yourself as wise.Do what is best for you not what others think you should do.Your friend will understand and your family will also.

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