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Dear Daughter Dear Daughter

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Unread 07-14-2003, 11:39 PM
Dear Daughter

Okay, my 16 year old DD just said "Mom, don't take this wrong, but I don't really like hospitals, so do I really need to go the day you have surgery?"

WHAT? I know they can be very self-centered at this age...but WHAT?!!!!! She asks me this 36 hours before I go.

I told her that sometimes we do things we don't want to do for the people we love. She says "I know, I'll go, I just don't really want to." WHAT? Oh, so now I have to feel guilty that I'm dragging her with me.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!! I am really, really mad, upset, disappointed, mad, mad, and mad!

*deep breaths*

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Unread 07-15-2003, 02:30 AM
Dear Daughter


Please don't be upset with her. I know this is very difficult for you as well as her. You have been her strength for 16 years and she's petrified she might lose you. Is she your only support system for that day? Or do you have others that will be there and help you? I remember when I was about her age and my mom was in the hospital - I was all jittery, jumpy and just more of a mess than my mother with all those tubes stuck in her. My mother told me just go away and she'd see me when she got out.

Is it a case of her truly being self-centered? Or is it a case of her needing more education and knowledge of what to expect? Teens must know what is going to happen next or they become insecure and do weird crap (hence peer pressure, sex, drugs and rock and roll!). Perhaps she needs some quality time on this site?

Good luck!
Unread 07-15-2003, 04:46 AM
Dear Daughter

Could this really be just about a fear of hospitals? My best friend almost has panic attacks when she goes into a hospital. I had to take her to see her DH when he had shoulder surgery and really had to support her ALOT for her to do this for a short visit. She also fears the doctors office and I am working with her on that too. She hasn't been in over 10 years and even my recent experience and scare hasn't gotten her there yet. I let her know she did not have to come and see me in the hospital, both times, but she was at the house post op nearly every evening and helped do cleaning and that was an even greater help. Maybe this is a bit of selfishness in a teenager, or immaturity, or maybe it is her fears for you. But talk to her and maybe she will let you know which it really is. It would be good to know if it is truly a fear of hospitals so you can support her through her fears and maybe even through your experience ease those fears. I truly hope it is more fear than anything else.
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Unread 07-15-2003, 06:32 AM

Thank you both so much for your kinds words. Given that I have been able to "sleep on it" I am thinking much clearer. The conversation was pretty short last night, basically what I first posted, due to the fact that I knew I would not handle it right if I handled it emotionally. You both have given good, sound advice and I will take it...thank you!!!!!!!!

Just FYI - I do have a DH, a 10 year old DD who is just waiting to pamper me, a mother that will be here for me and many co-workers that are providing support. I am fortunate. I was just taken by surprise at midnight after working from 8:00 a - 11:00 p yesterday to try and get everything done at work before surgery.

*Hugs* to you both.

Unread 07-15-2003, 06:50 AM
Dear Daughter


My 17 yr old DD has been spending some time here, usually sitting next to me as she reads. She has giggled, sympathized and gotten goosebumps from different posts. She won't go with me to the castle when they (finally) give me a date, but I know I can depend on her when I get home. Let your DD read the posts with you and explain them if she doesn't understand or look them up with her. It's amazing how understanding they can be at this age. Mine shocks me quite often with how adult she acts

My thoughts will be with you as you enter the castle

Unread 07-15-2003, 07:03 AM
Dear Daughter

I may be a lone individual here but I had no one come visit me when I was in hospital. I had my dear 14 yo DS go spend the time with a friend. My mom did come by and drop off a few things for me, but didn't encourage her to stay. I just didn't feel up to having anyone there. It was nice to just rest at my own pace and not have to talk to people. I told my boss and friends before hand that they had better not come visit or I would be insulted that they disregarded my requests. I know some people were put off by my request, but did I really want visitors around when I'm trying to pass gas so I can eat a decent (well solid) meal. You may feel better having husband there, but as far as having your kids there I just don't see the point. I also know my ds was stressed about my surgery and by being with friends he was kept busy. He came home the same day I did and has pampered me ever since.
Of course I am quite unusual in this way and I may be the only person who feels that the peace and quiet in the hospital was a pleasure. Think it over, I guess it also depends on how long you are there. I was only there about 48 hours.
Unread 07-15-2003, 11:13 AM
I had way too MANY visitors

But that is one of the side effects of having many siblings, most of whom live near me.

At one point, I had 5 people in my room. I wasn't really up to entertaining, so I let them entertain one another. But I remember wishing they could have visited for shorter periods.

That said, my two favorite visitors were my DD (age 17) and my mom. Mom rubbed lotion on my back the evening of my surgery, and DD did it for me the next morning. That felt soooooo good. They were both gently and quietly fussing over me. They made sure I had ice in a cup and plenty of water and juice to drink. That was a plus.

Some of my other visitors seemed to expect me to get up and do a comedy routine for them. I really wasn't up for that. But I'm a terrible patient. When I feel bad, I'd rather just be left alone.
Unread 07-15-2003, 01:27 PM
Dear Daughter

My youngest son (21) never talked to me about not coming to the hospital, he told his dad to tell me that he loved me but he just couldn't come to the hospital to see me and he would see me when I got home. (He was critically hurt in a farming accident when he was 8 years old and at the same time his grandpa (my dad) had open heart surgery and died from complications from the surgery three weeks later.) Ever since then he just can't handle hospitals, he gets physically ill. It brings back too many memories. Good luck with your daughter however it works out.
Unread 07-15-2003, 01:43 PM
Dear Daughter

Well, hubby was there from the get go, a lady I work with (she does have a kind soul-I told her not to come but) she was there before they wheeled me into surgery and stayed and visited with Hubby during and was there when I got out. Before I could ask for pain medicine she was at the desk telling them I needed something. She had a TVH a few years back. She even asked my doctor why I didn't have the pump like she did. I apologized to him later that she was really very sweet and was just concerned. She left to go to a funeral during the day but came back to see me and stayed late until hubby came back to sleep. I was sitting up and coherent not long after coming back and had 5 friends and co-workers vist that morning. That was nice to have visitors cause I was getting bored. Then Mom came with my 2 teenage boys (youngest son has autism) so that visit didn't last long. Only thing I was disappointed in was that none of my hubby's family came to see me.(SIL's). They work right there in town. But I guess that might have been for the best. So don't be too hard on her. I am a nurse and I have NO problems with hospitals. I try to notice everything going on but others really can't take any of it. At 16 she may just be scared to see you in pain, or not able to tend to yourself for a little while and that may be why she doesn't want to go.
Unread 07-15-2003, 08:45 PM

I agree with tt259. I don't want any visitors in the hospital or even the first few days at home. I don't want to entertain or be worried about embarrassing problems. The DH will take care of me (as he has always done).
I had hernia surgery last year and did not appreciate all the visitors who came to see my roommate. She was completely out of it, so they visited with one another. I had already sent DH home so he and I could both get some rest. I expected the nursing staff to control the noisy situation, but they did nothing. There were so many people at one point that they were crowding into my side of the room - when all I wanted to do was rest! I sure hope I am alone this time - or with someone who wants as much quiet as I do.

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