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Short, fat and celebate  (oh no!) XXX Short, fat and celebate (oh no!) XXX

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  #1  
Unread 09-25-2003, 01:09 AM
Short, fat and celebate (oh no!) XXX

Hi ladies, well, itís been about 6 weeks now since my last treatment. (in a 6 week time, I had 5 chemo treatments, 25 external radiation treatments and 3 internal) So far so good, except for the usual cronic fatigue and severe pain from time to time, along with the normal menopause issues like hot flashes and sleeplessness. I have taken a month off from work trying to get back to a normal life. Us ladies know its not easy to get back on our feet.

Because of the treatment and the normal depression and such, I have developed a couple of problems that are affecting my self confindence and health. The first one, somewhere along the way, I donít know where, I seemed to have lost half the lenght of my vaginal canal. I know I had the full lenght but now itís gone. Perhpas I left it on the doctors exam table. :-0 I would not have minding half of width, but half of the lenght! Yikes! I have just started trying to stretch it but so far it just had not worked. Iím a bit worried. Itís very tender still. I know the importance of having a full lenght canal. My sex drive too is totally gone, I have tried watiching erotc movies and reading erotica (tht did not good at all, I just got repulsed) All I can think about is the pain and what I went through. (yes, I do try to stop and relax with it) The other problem, I have gained some weight. About 25 lbs. I feel like Ms Piggy. I know I have to lose it, but I donít have the strenght to work out right now. Iím trying to eat healthy, but thatís not always easy. Especially when I have a bad day filled with pain and just want rest and eat junk. (I know, not good) I have had alot of those days lately. Just canít seem to do much but sit. Grrrrr Really irritating.

Anyway, my dh who had gotten better for some time in his attitude with things, told me last night that he is not going to spend the rest of his life without sex. Of course he changed it to the rest of his life without being able to make love to me. I know what he means and the frustration. It was a beautiful part of our lives and we have only been together for 3 years. He wanted to know how long it will be before we can resume... I told him, itís like a repeatedly broken leg, it takes time to repair. In the begininng, I did try to satisfy him in other ways, but that gets old and one sided. He wantís our sex life to resume to what it was. I think it can, or at least come close. But only with time. He wanted to know if he can please me, I told him, that even I can barely touch the skin there, itís so tender and I did not think it was a good idea.

I have had problems with him before. He can be totly insensitive, but he can of course be great and caring. In the past, I would have left him for his treatment of me, now, Iím feeling stuck to be with him. One thing I do know, I will not let him drag me down and kill me emotionally. But on the practical side, I have to stay with him until I get better. Then I can reavalutrate things. I know he is just a man and men will be men.

Iím always looking for suggestions... should I just grab out some sexy outfit and fulfill his needs, or do I tell him to hold his wild horses? Do I just for through the Ďendí of the canal to lenghten it? Please help.
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  #2  
Unread 09-25-2003, 02:13 AM
Maria, I hear your pain....

The shortining of your vagina is probably due to the radiation. My radiation nurse had told me it was important to have sex or use a vagina dilator during radiation, because it would shorten some to keep it stretched. Have you asked about, or are you using a vagina dilator?

I can tell you, after radiation and during, I was trying to have sex like I was told at least twice a week. But, I had no sex drive at all, so I told him it would be a quickie for him. BUT... it was kind of sore, and shortened, so he had to be very patient and very slow, and I don't think he could penetrate me all the way at all in the beginning. It takes time for the vagina to stretch, but I believe with paitence and with time, it will stretch back.

Now the bad news, at least from me. BUT everyone is different. I totally lost my sex drive. Now of course cause the cancer is in my vagnia, and some of the tissue of it actually comes out when I go potty, I don't want to have sex. The thought of it kind of grosses me out. Just thinking what is in there, and having him touch it, you know.

He asks me the same thing all the time, how long do I expect him to go without sex. For us, it has not been the same for about two years. Since I had my radical hyst. I mean we had it here and there, but not the same. Of course, I did the same thing and tried to satisfy him, still do, but it IS oen sided, and it DOES get old. He wanted to know if he could bring in a pinch hitter. haha

All I can tell you is to talk to him, and tell him, it will get better. Also tell him all of your concerns and fears of why having sex just isn't in you. As for you sex drive, it could be hormonal. Are you taking any kind of hormones? Talk to your dr, they have drugs that may be able to help.

Now about your pain.... I'm in expert in this field lately. Are you taking any kind of pain meds? Don't live in pain. You don't have to. There are all type of things out there. Talk to your Dr. He can prescribe the most wonderful narcotics to take that will make you feel normal again. I know at first, I was hesitant, cause I didn't want to become a druggie, but let me tell you, don't try to be superwoman. Get the drugs, and relieve that pain. As long as you use them as prescribed you won't get addicted, that's what my Dr told me, when I told him, I didn't take them all the time. Now I do, like clock work. And now that I'm on Morphine, even better. Very little pain between dosages, but not very.

Hope this helps some, and I'm sure there will be others with their suggestions also. Everyone is different, and everyone I'm sure goes through the same thing...

's and ers to you....
  #3  
Unread 09-25-2003, 08:43 AM
Short, fat and celebate (oh no!) XXX

Well, MariaCoo and Tammy, you are not alone in your loss of libido. I never had a high libido to begin with, and viewed God as having quite a sense of humour when my husband of 15 years and I met.

However, he has been patient and gentle - it may have something to do with the length of our marriage, and the fact that we have weathered many other storms from the outside. I did say to him before my second cancer op. - TAH/BSO - that he if was unable to deal with it, I would understand. And, I meant it.

I managed to keep my cervix. Unlike you both, I had no radiation, as no radiation facilities here. Tammy has given good advice though re: vaginal dilator for you to use.

My sex life has resumed, but tight, tight, tight, There is a product which I have seen advertised called KY Warming lubrication or something similar. I plan to give that a go, if I can find it here. But, I have no plans to go on HRT - due to the fact that I viewed menopause as a completely natural thing, and even now say that I went into 'instant' menopause not 'surgical' or 'artificial', and also because of my age - 50, so a bit different for me then.

By the way, it has been only 6 weeks since your last treatment - that is not a very long time.

My ers and to you
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  #4  
Unread 09-25-2003, 04:46 PM
Short, fat and celebate (oh no!) XXX

Maria! How nice to hear from you. I was just thinking about you the other day, too. I'm so glad you're done with your treatment. I, too, finished my treatment. My radiation was done in mid-August and I had my last chemo on Sept. 5th.

My sex drive is gone, too. It doesn't phase me in the least. I might see a handsome guy on the street and think, Oh, isn't he a cutie! but that's it. Then I move on to another subject!

But, seriously, I am thinking about sex and will probably instigate some activity soon with my DH. He's really let me have the space I need. I think he's actually watched what I've had to deal with. You know, after what our bodies have gone through: surgery, menopause, toxic chemicals, radiation (like yourself - internal and external), well, if my DH were hounding me for sex, I'd point him towards the door! Alright, maybe I wouldn't but I'd be very disappointed. This is what separates the man from the beast.

I hope your DH comes around. More than that, I hope your body heals as quickly as possible. You're young and you've been through quite a lot in a short period of time. Give yourself some time to heal (both emotionally and physically).

God bless.
  #5  
Unread 09-25-2003, 10:13 PM
Short, fat and celebate (oh no!) XXX



(((Maria))) This sex thing is so hard after surgery and treatments! I did not require any radiation, but I had a good size portion of my vaginal wall removed over the course of 2 surgeries. I was so small there was no way DH was going to fit. It was horrible! I worked gradually over several weeks to increase my size. I did massage (I'm sure that sounds bad, but it really was massage ) and I gradually increased the dilator size moving from very small, to small to medium and then to DH. It was uncomfortable at times and I would sometimes get in a hurry and rush myself and try to accomplish too much in one day (during the early phase I did it twice a day for 3-4 minutes), but I did eventually get there. I was fortunate to have a very patient DH who was supportive, and truthfully, he was quite afraid of hurting me and while he was interested in sex, he was too afraid to try it. But I often wondered how long he would be able to go without.

Have you talked to your doctor about this? Perhaps an examination is in order, just to be sure all is like it should be (just smaller) and that it's OK to go forward with the stretching. And certainly discuss the pain issue. In this day and age, pain should not be ruling your life! And I think pain in such a personal area is extra-taxing emotionally. I'd say you have enough on your plate to deal with without having the pain there, too.

Good lcuk, Maria! I will keep you in my thoughts and 'ers!

  #6  
Unread 09-26-2003, 06:35 AM
a sordid and sick life

Does anyone out there have problem like mine that required surgery? I thought I saw a post about that. I hope I donít require it. My doctor never suggested using anything larger than a tampon and not to use anything until after my internal radiation. Looking back, I would suggest to all, start doing something long before, itís never too soon. Donít let my story happen to you! Haha Like one of those 50ís warning movies. See this 40 something woman in pigtales in glasses and red cheeks, donít let this happen to you. Let this be a warning to all.

Tammy and Maureenie,

It seems we have all been in the same boat. I am dilating, but only just started) Candles seem to help and come in various sizes which is good. For some reason Holland does not have dilators, so I have to use the candle idea. Iím so greatful to the person who suggested it. Works quite well.


Ok, now for my strange story of the week. Itís rather sordid and sad, but full of intrigue and adventure! Haha

As you know I was a bit bothered by my husbands need for sex. How dare he! Heís not supposed to need it now that I donít. I know wishful thinking. haha Well, yesterday, I went out and was driving around and I kept thinking about how calous he is. So I came upon a course of action. He wants sex, ok, Iíll do it! (but with a twist) Since Iím calling myself a virgin these days, what all with half my canal missing in action (V-MIA) I will play the part and start from scratch. I decided to give him an evening with a kinky virgin and a lolly pop. Letís make it fun. I got home, took a shower, colored my cheeks a nice healthy glow of red, put on a bit of blue eyeshadow, did my hair in pigtails and ribbons, itís short, so it ended up looking like some strange psycho lap dog. Lol I put on a cute denim shirt, and bobby sox. (underneath cute lingerie) Went downstairs to our living room, trusty lolly pop in hand and popped down in the recliner with one leg under me in an attempt to look as teenagy as possible. My husband is working on the computer, turns to look at me, and says Ďyou have alot of cheek color, I thought you took a bath, did you forget to remove the makeup?í I could have died, but not to be shook up, I said no, I just felt like having some color. (obviously I canít lie and be sexy at the same time) He turns back to his computer and starts playing some PC game. Darn it. Ok, so I have to lure him to the bedroom, but how. Ah hah! He needs to look at the VCR there. Errrr.... Something wrong with it. So Mr Fix it goes in the bedroom, I follow. He assures me, I can sit and rest and donít need to help. (sigh) But undeterred I follow! Iím curious, I say. We get in the bedroom, enough of this nonsense! So I blurt out, Ďdo you want to have sex?í. He looks at me really strange and asks whatís wrong with me? ĎWell hun, you want it or not?í. He says, sure. So I prepare for the deed as he takes a quick shower. I slather on the KY, some vaseline with lidocaine and as much oil as I can find and take more pain killers. Iím pretty well stoned by the time he comes back. ĎOk hun, do the deed, just break through, no matter what, make me an un-virginí Thatí right, now kissing, no hugs, just Ďtake me, do what you mustí. Needless to say, things did not work out and I went to sleep with him laying there, trying to come up with ideas of how to dilate me. (at one point, being a typical male, he suggests the car antennae! He thinks this is a good idea since Iím closed off and quite narrow) And so it was, our kinky evening, a strange looking chubby gal with her hair in pigtales and my mechanically inclined husband. I must say, I slept quite well, in drugged bliss. Haha Ya gotta laugh Ďcause itís really becoming a sordid and sick life. Lol
  #7  
Unread 09-26-2003, 07:41 AM
Short, fat and celebate (oh no!) XXX

(((Maria)))

You are doing such a great job keeping up your sense of humor!! I used to joke with my husband that I was going to have to get him a blow-up doll (sorry for the crassness of that)--I had to do something to keep up my good humor. And of course, some of that was my frustration and humiliation. Fortunately, it never came to that. But there's something that feels so horrible about not being able to do something that you've always been able to do, and to not be able to share intimate contact with someone you love is just.......well, it was awful for the time that it went on!

Please make an appointment with your doc. It sounds like your scar tissue is getting out of hand. Use your dilator daily (or twice daily as I did). Or candles, I guess (I'm glad that's working out for you). You certainly don't want to lose the rest of what you have, and hopefully you can acquire it back gradually. Some ladies have also used vitamin E oil to massage the tissue and coerce it to stretch. I used calendula oil--it was very soothing to me. But check with your doc and make sure that you are doing what's right for you.

Yes, you can have surgery for this. One lady ended up with a 1-inch long vagina (her scar tissue just went crazy), and she had to have a vaginal reconstruction. But (if I remember correctly) she still needs to use her dilator.

's Maria! I'll keep you in my thoughts.
  #8  
Unread 09-26-2003, 02:54 PM
Short, fat and celebate (oh no!) XXX

Hi Maria..

I know that this time is difficult but you will get thru it... I too gained about 25 pounds while on chemo. YIKES I was stunned..And trying to lose it is even harder. This weight is going nowhere unfortunately.

However, I every time I complain to my oncologist she tells me not to be soo weight number concerned. She is more for looking and feeling good.

Sooooo... eventually I will, hopefully, get the weight off and if not, oh well....

Rosalie
  #9  
Unread 09-29-2003, 05:05 AM
Short, fat and celebate (oh no!) XXX

I know we are not allowed to 'husband bash' on the threads but honest to god does your dh not realise that cancer is unfortunately life threatening. You have been through chemo and radiation for gods sake. You dont need all this extra hassle. I suggest you forget all about trying to please your dh and concentrate on your self for once! If he cant see that you are in pain when you are intimate then he must be pretty clueless. Men are so darn selfish and stupid sometimes! I had a similar problem which didnt resolve itself until i told him i felt and how difficult it was and that he was actually making it worse by going on about it. He didnt have a clue but he backed off became more affectionate and understanding and everything is now getting better. Does he know how you feel? Let us know how things go.

You are a strong woman and maybe you just dont realise it at this moment.

  #10  
Unread 09-29-2003, 06:04 AM
Short, fat and celebate (oh no!) XXX

Sheila....My sentiments exactly!!!

Rosalie
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