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how do you deal with well meaning family and friends? how do you deal with well meaning family and friends?

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  #1  
Unread 11-16-2003, 03:36 PM
how do you deal with well meaning family and friends?

I am scheduled for surgery on December 1st. I have not told very many people about it as I am a private person. My sister is still trying to get me to think of alternatives for dealing with my fibroids. I know that she is just worried, but how do the rest of you deal with people trying to get you to change your mind. This is not something that I just woke up one morning and said, "I think I'll have a hysterectomy". I just feel that these people should give me a little credit. I mean I am blond but not that blond. LOL The last time I talked to her I told her that I was through having babies and I didn't need it any more. After that she dropped the subject.

Another thing is who did you decide to tell. I don't want to tell my mother unless I just have to. She means well but she would drive me up the wall if she knew.

Sorry to sound so whiney this is just bothering me. Thanks for listening. Peny
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  #2  
Unread 11-16-2003, 03:42 PM
I can relate

I hear what you are saying. I am having surgery tomorrow, and most of my friends are acting normally, as well as one sister. My oldest sister, however, acts like it's a big dramatic fearful thing and I"m clearly "not prepared" for what will come after, etc., etc., etc. I have done my research, trust my doctor, and read this site every day for 2 weeks, I know lots more about it than she does. Even my nurse friends are saying don't sweat it.

don't know if this will help you, but I'm doing my best to tell her that I have thought about it all, and this is my decision, between me and my doctor, and I appreciate any help she wants to give but I don't need to be rescued. My therapist said I should just try and "let her be who she's going to be" and understand that she's projecting her fears. I guess.

If you can, limit yoru contact with people who make you nuts, or at least keep changing the subject.

Good luck and hang in there!
  #3  
Unread 11-16-2003, 06:40 PM
how do you deal with well meaning family and friends?

I'm completely avoiding the issue with my family. I live two hours away from my parents, older brothers, and sister. They have no idea I'm having the surgery done this week, and I'm not telling them. I don't want to hear my mother tell me it's a mistake and that there's not even anything wrong with me. I've heard it before and don't need it while I'm trying to recover.

My husband and children have been wonderful since I found out that I'd be having the surgery (in July), and that's all I need.

Take care, and surround yourself with supportive, loving people.
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  #4  
Unread 11-16-2003, 08:28 PM
how do you deal with well meaning family and friends?

My parents are very supportive, and are happy I finally found a gyn who believes me and has PROVEN my concerns are valid.
I haven't told any other family, because I'm just not close to anyone else. Except gramma. She is in her eighties and I don't want her to worry about me. She freaked out when I told her I have asthma. See? She doesn't need to know.

I have been through a couple of gyn's who put that "alternative method" pressure on me, but I knew I needed a hysterectomy. I didn't just pull my decision out of the sky either. Sometimes you just have to stand up for yourself. I chose to seek another opinion.

Although you can't walk away from your family, I think it is better for you to just be honest with your close relatives. They don't HAVE to like it. It's YOUR body and YOUR choice. But tell them you appreciate their support when you sweetly inform them you've already made an educated decision. If the nice approach doesn't work, tell them to back off.

Even if your mother will drive you nuts, you might be in a much worse position without any help from her at all. You might be pleasantly surprised! My retired mom lives with us, and she and I fight like cats and dogs. But we have a lot of respect for each others' opinion, and she was all for my determination not to live with constant pain. Moms are like that. We love and help each other because we are family. Maybe she will be the supportive one and will tell your sister to leave you alone. You never know!

Good luck!
  #5  
Unread 11-24-2003, 05:22 PM
who I told

Hi hagatha and other ladies,
I'm 22 and have had a lot of well-meaning people ask me to reconsider my decision, especially because I have not had children.
I have told my mom and dad, my 2 sisters, my grandma (only because she asked), a couple of close friends, and anyone who asked (many people knew something was up because they knew I was taking a semester off of school and wanted to know why). The only people I didn't tell who asked were pregnant people (I hold a personal standard not to tell any pregnant people I'm having a hysterectomy...just a personal thing...). My pregnant aunt asked me what they doctor had said (she knew I was going to a specialist) and I merely told her that I was considering surgery (I did not tell her the type and she did not ask for further details). Most people have been supportive of my decision, but not matter what decision you make, you will always have people who disapprove.
Best wishes.
  #6  
Unread 11-24-2003, 07:47 PM
how do you deal with well meaning family and friends?

You must realize that this is YOUR decision. I had many well meaning friends either try and talk me out of the surgery or tell me to keep/get rid of ovaries. I listened to each person while inside I was singing la-la-la-la. I told them that I was going with my dr. decision.
I too had fibroids and was given a choice of either a cone biopsy or tvh. I opted for the hyst. My dh and I had 3 wonderful children and do not wish for more. My gut feeling told me to get rid of it all and I'm glad I did.
I found out that my path. report from hyst. showed pre-cancerous cells on my cervix and contained cancerous cells within fibroids in my uterus. This was a shock to my dr. & myself. I am so thankful that I had the hyst. done before anything had spread.
Again it is your personal decision and one you must weigh carefully. I am 2 1/2 weeks post-op from a tvh and have had little complications. I do get tired and have not bounced back as quick as I thought I would. But with the alternative, I would do it again.

p.s. I did make a point to tell my nosy neighbor and dear boss that I was so happy that I had, had the surgery, even against their wishes. As they had caught my cancer.
  #7  
Unread 11-25-2003, 05:33 AM
how do you deal with well meaning family and friends?

I personally have told my sister and parents. Of course DH knows. I have gone through years of unexplained pain, discomfort, misdiagnosis, symptoms...people were beginning to think I was NUTS! So my family, although concerned, were relieved that I do have a medicallydiagnosable and fixable condition. I too have past cancer issues...I had a LEEP done 3 years ago for CIS on cervix. They all know that the hyst will address all areas of angst for me and are comfotable with it, even with my age. We had to share the fact (not that I wanted to)with our ex's due to post-op 'where will the kids go' concerns. However, we have not informed my in-laws. My DH has no contact with his mother (VERY complicated, it's better this way) and his dad, he hasn't told. Why? Im not sure, I think my DH doesn't want to deal with it. My FIL is really an odd man and I don't know what he'd say...I think my DH knows his dad would just make me feel like s%*@, and it would probably be done intentionally. I think that you have the right to be selective with whom you inform, it is your body and you are the only one to make the final descision along with guideance from your physician. You are the only one who knows what you've gone through and you also know when enough is enough. I know the descision for a hyst came pretty easy for me...I'm 30 and can't play basketball, rake leaves, laugh, ride a bike (you get the pic.) without soaking my clothes, pad and all. So, I am personally at my end point. Good luck to you, I know this is tough, especially is you don't have support from those you love, My DH just recently came to his senses and has become a very supportive man, it makes life a lot easier!!!
RAchel
  #8  
Unread 11-25-2003, 06:03 AM
how do you deal with well meaning family and friends?

For the most part I have very supportive family and friends. Once I found out when I was having surgery I told my Mon and then I emailed all of my brothers and sisters (they all live out of town), my aunt, uncle and my cousin. I just gave them the basics of when it was and what was being done (LAVH). I come from a large family and hate to find something out months after it happened.

As for my friends, the really close ones knew long ago the problems I've been having so I just sent them the details of the day. I even emailed some of my closer co-workers just letting them know when I would be out. If they came around later I gave details depending on who it was.

I've also told several people at church. My LAVH/BSO is 12/5 so after services on Wed 12/3 the preacher always makes announcements of upcoming stuff, who's sick, who's better, etc. so I will ask him to announce that I'm having surgery on Friday and for everyone to pray for me.

I think it is you own decision of who to tell. Everyone's situation is different.
  #9  
Unread 11-25-2003, 06:14 AM
how do you deal with well meaning family and friends?

Nicole, I am glad to read your post in particular. I have a neighbor and long-time friend, a man, who states, and I quote,
"It is wrong to do a hysterectomy unless the woman has cancer". KNOWN cancer. My aunt had the same surprise you did, so I quote that at him, and now I can tell him about your experience too. And he's an RN, he should know better, but I guess some people are attached to their assumptions.

For the rest, it doesn't matter what anyone else says you should or shouldn't do, it's your body, and your decision. I've made mine, and for those who do not understand, I just keep quiet and smile to myself.

I have not and will not tell my mother, a very controlling individual, until long after my surgery; my sister knows, but is on the other coast; and all my friends who count know, and are being wonderfully supportive. Not to mention my long-suffering DH, who is already taking good care of me (I'm just about disabled now from anemia and pain), and I have no fears about care during recovery. I'm lucky!

blessings

Orin
  #10  
Unread 11-25-2003, 06:36 AM
how do you deal with well meaning family and friends?

I guess I am lucky. I told everybody in my immediate social circle once the surg date was booked - parents, sibling, close friends, close co-workers. Only had 1 person ask me if I had considered alternative therapy to hold out until menopause kicked in naturally.

I think the folks I told accepted it primarily because they have been watching me suffer over the years and know me well enough to know I would only make an fully informed choice. They also accepted at face value my statement that I wouldn't be up to doing much for 2 months following my surgery, so there has been no pressure to do family gathering or travel beyond what I initiated.

My DH decided to not tell his father until after the surg happened and only told him I had a surgical procedure. He knows his dad way better than I do, so I let him censor the information as he saw fit.

DH has been far more conservative about 'keeping confidentiality' than I have. I see no shame in having to have a hyst.

Sharon
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