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well meaning friends well meaning friends

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  #1  
Unread 12-22-2003, 11:14 AM
well meaning friends

Okay, time to vent here. I know people are well-meaning but somtimes they just aggravate me.

I can't tell you how many people have said to me so casually and non-chalantly, "you'll be so glad you did this" referring to losing the monthly inconvenience of bleeding. Sounds harmless but it brings up all these feelings in me. They sound like I just had a manicure or something!

When all is said and done, yes it will be nice not to have the monthly bleeding, but I am not "glad" about any of this.

I am not "glad" to have undergone major surgery right before Christmas and spend my time sore and recuperating.

I am not "glad" that my cells were growing too fast and changing and could have possibly developed into cancer.

I am not "glad" that my cervix was so rotten the dr. couldn't even believe it.

I am not "glad" that my left ovary was stuck to my colon on one side and my bladder on the other side.

None of this makes me glad!!!! And when I'm a few years down the road I will look at this and be thankful that I had a good doctor, that possibly very serious medical problems were prevented, and that I had the strength to get through it.

But if one more person leans down to me with that stupid little grin and treats this like a manicure, I will scream!!!!

Sorry, must be my hormones! Thanks for listening!
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  #2  
Unread 12-22-2003, 11:18 AM
well meaning friends

OH MY!! EVERYONE that hears I had a hysterectomy the first response is "you won't have anymore periods"!!

If I hear that one more time I will scream!!! No more periods is just a plus, they miss the whole reason for having my organs removed!! How about saying "won't it be great you won't be in pain all the time from the endo"??

I am so glad for this website, people who understand!!!
  #3  
Unread 12-22-2003, 11:36 AM
Well...

Sometimes people try to find something postive to say in response to difficult things.

I don't think people are truly mindless...they KNOW this is surgery or they'd have had their own uteruses taken out to avoid periods. They are just trying to find something positive to say.

It's hard for anyone who hasn't gone through this surgery to relate to what we go through, so a little patience with ill-informed friends will help ease your reactions to their comments.

They really do mean well.
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  #4  
Unread 12-22-2003, 11:38 AM
well meaning friends

It is tough hearing the stupid remarks people make. The problem is that well meaning people just don't think before they speak. I've never wanted children, but that doesn't mean I wanted to go through all of this. They don't understand that the pain, fears and stress was and is real. They don't understand that having organs removed changes you! I'm still learning all the changes my body is going through and let me tell you, some of them are really annoying!!

I seriously believe when I go back to work in two weeks that I may end up tearing someone's head off when they make a stupid comment. LOL It should be interesting!!

Mary Ellen
  #5  
Unread 12-22-2003, 12:58 PM
well meaning friends

When I found out I would be having the surgery I didn't really want many people to know. Later I found out my husband had told most of his relatives

So.... I was very upset when he shared with me an email that he had received from his cousin a couple of weeks before my surgery. I do not know this cousin at all. I think I may have met her once about 30 years ago.

This is what she said "she will LOVE not having a uterus - if I had known how wonderful it was going to be I'd have done it 20 years
sooner! (But the recovery really does take the full six weeks, so tell her to just enjoy the time at home.)"

How dare she!?! She doesn't know me. She doesn't know how I felt then or how I feel now. I HATE not having a uterus. I miss the role it played in my orgasms. Not having those contractions makes a huge difference for me. In fact, arousal seemed to always start as a tickle or butterflies in that area and now that is also gone.

Also, I am not happy about everything I have had to go through to recover. I am not happy that the cancer could recurr (but probably will not).

I don't know what kind of hysterectomy she had or why but I was perfectly happy with my uterus before all of this. Unlike many on this board who are happy after surgery to be free of previous pain and problems, I had no pain or problems that would make me feel that way. This has been an ordeal. I was pain free BEFORE the surgery. Now, even after 6 months, I still am aware every day of what was done to me. I still have a certain amount of discomfort and possibly some post traumatic stress.

Anyway, it seems that even someone who has been through a hysterectomy can still make an insensitive remark. I would give anything to be able to go back and erase the surgery. Unfortunately the endemetrial cancer made it necessary. I was forced into it against my will.

Oh... and her remark about it taking the full six weeks to recover... that was no help to me because that caused my husband to think I should be finished with my recovery at 6 weeks. Not even close! "Enjoy my time at home"? There was no enjoyment of any kind for a good long time. Just now starting to enjoy a few things - at 6 months not weeks!
  #6  
Unread 12-22-2003, 02:42 PM
well meaning friends

You go girls! This is the great place to vent. The truth is that no one understands what you are going through but you. We sort of understand because we can relate. We CAME here because no one understands (or we don't understand).

When I was having problems (heavy bleeding for two years, nonstop!), I hated trying all the different medications I had to go through and the more minor surgeries that never worked. People kept saying to me "Just have the hysterectomy! Get it over with." And I admit I had no idea the hugeness of this surgery until I finally did decide to have it. The only one who seemed to understand what I was going through and what I was up against, strangely, was my GYN (male). He frequently mentioned the surgery as an option but always had a worried, sympathetic look in his face which was the reason I waited so long. I figured he knew something I didn't.

Now that it's done and it's a lot bigger of a thing than I expected, I've had people that call or email saying "Hope you're enjoying the holidays. I'm so busy and things are so hectic, blah blah blah." And I'm thinking, yeah I'm enjoying the holidays thanks for your concern.

But everyone sort of feels different about it all. People always offer their opinion when you go through anything, especially if they've done it too.

Muzikgrrl, It might have been nicer if your husband's cousin sent a get well card or something. 'Cause I'm thinking that not only is DH going to think you're all better after six weeks, he's going to think you're happy about having it done.

Hope you're spirits rise a little. Understanding requires beating people over the head and it's just not worth the effort. You can get it here without violence. ;-)
  #7  
Unread 12-22-2003, 02:52 PM
Everyone's so different

I, too, heard from many who learned about my surgery that it was the best thing they'd ever done and I was going to love it.

In my case, they're right. I *did* look forward to my surgery because of the relief of pain I expected to enjoy, and I have - thankfully - enjoyed an easy, steady recovery. I think I am going to love it.

We're all so different, and we all came to this surgery for very different reasons, and it's 100% natural for us to feel very different about having it done.

In any event, I wish everyone here a healthy, more positive 2004! I'm glad I found this group.
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