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Unread 01-04-2004, 09:22 PM
scary rollercoaster emotions

Hi sisters!
It's been over a year now since my hyst. I'm a part-time learning resource teacher and tomorrow I expected to be at work again. I had a near nervous breakdown at the end of November, but by the end of December I felt so much better I thought the worst of this "hormone rollercoaster" was behind me. Not so!! Yesterday and today were AWFUL days. The sun was shining gloriously but I felt like crawling into bed and staying there forever. I couldn't imagine being at work again. Such a terrifying feeling because I don't know what to do. Can't take hormones because of the cancer. I'm already on effexor for depression and synthroid for hypothyroidism. I'm taking my vitamins and calcium, evening primrose & fish oil, and I exercise every day. Really had to push myself to go for a walk today because I had no energy--cried all the way--but did it anyway. I panic when the phone rings. I don't want to see anyone or do anything and this is so unlike me. Yes, I have struggled with depression before, especially after my kids were born. I always hope it will never happen again--it's so scary--the depression washes over me and I feel like I'm drowning. No libido either (effexor takes away what little I had). I'm hoping this heavy weight will soon leave me. Could it be hormonal? Is it all part of the post-hyst. experience for some people? I don't want to give up hope--just want to keep searching for something that will help me--maybe testosterone for more energy and motivation??? My doctor mentioned it once. Don't want to end up on the psych. ward but sometimes I feel that's where I'm headed. I'm praying and reading scripture for strength. I realize I'm blessed to be here. A few of my older relatives died of cancer and here I am, alive and well. I will need a lot of faith to get dressed and go to work tomorrow. Just writing about it makes me feel better, though. This site is a life-line for me. Thank you for listening and letting me vent.

TAH/BSO for endometrial and endocervical cancer/complications--ruptured bladder/Dec.02
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Unread 01-04-2004, 09:38 PM
depression & hyst

Hang in there! I have not had mine yet, I go in 2/3/04 but can appreciate your feelings. Although I've not yet experienced what you've gone through, I have experienced some of the depression you talk about. This was due to tremendous inbalances of hormones along with some family history of depression.

Write down 5 things that really mean a lot to you. Put those in your wallet or tape it to your mirror. Keep reminding yourself that this is all temporary and that soon you'll find your way through this. Those things that mean a lot to you will help you find your way. Remember how loved you are!! Talk to your doctor. Remember how loved you are!!!

Hang in there. It WILL get better.
Unread 01-05-2004, 09:39 PM
scary rollercoaster emotions

Thank you, Katie!! I did what you said--wrote down 5 good things in my life (there are many more besides those 5). Reminded myself that things will get better and that I am loved. Asked God to please help me cope for my own sake, for my family and for all the children at school who depend on my help. School is such a struggle for them.

My prayers were answered! Got up at 6:15 AM today (Jan. 5) and felt a lot better. Took 2 advil for my headache and made it through my first day back. Took a walk in the snow after work and caught myself enjoying the beauty around me Spent time on the computer downloading some readers' theatre scripts for my students. Those are good signs!! I'll make sure I go to bed early.

Once again, Katy, bless you for your encouraging and helpful words! I'll go back and re-read them whenever I experience depression again. It helps me greatly to know that you have "been there."

I hope my experience didn't scare you, Katie. Things have actually gone remarkably well for me considering my history of depression, hypothyroidism, childhood sexual abuse, etc. I wish you peace of mind as you wait for your surgery (I was SO terrified, but it was not as bad as I had feared even with my unexpected complications). All the best with your biopsy too (I read your post). I didn't have one (had D&C instead). I'll keep you in my prayers.

TAH/BSO for endometrial & cervical cancer/abdominal bladder repair Dec.02/effexor for depression, synthroid for hypothyroidism
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Unread 01-06-2004, 09:22 AM
Thank you, too!

Dear Monalees,

I too am struggling with overwhelming emotions and changes and loss, as well as chronic pain -- I was going to reply to your post yesterday, and I thought: I will just bring her down -- I was feeling so uninspired and pathetic and, well, horribly depressed all on my own. Last night was really, really rough for me -- and then, I logged in today and see you doing so well, Monalees, well, you made my day! May this part of the rollercoaster be the "coasting" you so rightfully and blessedly deserve. And thank you for sharing both sides of your journey with the boards -- it really helps, and you may never know who or how many!

Thank you, Katie, I will try the 5 things.

With love and light,
Unread 01-06-2004, 09:47 AM
scary rollercoaster emotions

I have had to battle depression brought on by the unexpected hysterectomy I had. It took some playing around with different anti-depressants and dosages to control the symptoms. I would encourage you to go back to your doctor and tell them how you are experiencing life right now. There are many other anti-depressants out there, and Effexor may not be the one for you. I got off of Prozac because of the libido issue too. Wellbutrin has worked wonders for me, and it does not have the sexual side effects of the SSRI's. Good luck.
Unread 01-06-2004, 04:20 PM
scary rollercoaster emotions

Thanks Renata and Loretta for taking the time to connect. I'll go back to my doctor to talk about how my life is going. And Loretta, I'm glad I could encourage you too. Katie, Loretta, Renata--you women are gems! You help me more than I can say. Today is another good day. The phone can ring and I don't panic Then I know I'm okay.

Love, prayers and ((((hugs))))) for all of you sisters!
Unread 01-06-2004, 09:28 PM
roller coaster

I am so glad that suggestion helped. I had a hard time growing up. My mother was a raging abusive alcaholic who abandoned me when I was 14. I lived in dog houses off and on for 6 months then. Talk about depressed! But I was very lucky. My basic nature is to see the glass half full. I've always been able to pull myself out of my pity party by reminding myself how much worse some other people have it. When I hear the horrible things that happen to some people, it reminds me of all the good things I have in my life.

This dosen't mean I don't wallow in it once in a while, I do but I don't allow myself to stay there. It's much harder to climb up that hill when you stay at the bottom very long. The more you help yourself climb out, the easier it is each time.

We ALL have at least 5 things we are greatful for in our lives. They may be humble but the ALL count. And I guarantee you, you are loved by many!

I'm glad to hear you're feeling better! But don't let some setbacks derail you. The sun shines best out of the hole!


The Katie Lady
Unread 01-10-2004, 12:33 PM
Your not alone


Your are not alone...This horrible rollrcoaster is driving me back to total depression...I feel like my skin is crawling, my nerves are shot. Either I don't sleep at all or like today I slept for hours.

My surgery was nov 2003. I knew this was the best for me, still concerned over the thought of taking my ovaries and going on hrt made me nervous, I knew I would have a better life..

I also have severe depression and did spend time in the hospital due to it..Zoloft and xanax for the panic attacks, now we add HRT and iron along with vitamins, calcium, vitamin D ect ect..

I have a constant dull headache, my family is wonderful but useless in understanding. I bled again last week the doc said Oh well lets see if you still are in a few so get off you feet again.

I am falling into the hole again...I am so tired, that I can't seem to function most days. The one day I will have enough energy to run around all day..This rollercoaster has turns and twists some appearing to be upside down and flipping...I want this ride to stop and let me off...

I made an appt with the psychatrist for the 28th. I need to figure out what is not working here.

A wonderful gal name shelly replied yesterday about too much estrogen, too little. The list was such a relief to know I am not crazy..

Is it to much to ask for some sanity? I even told my husband to lock me in the basement and lock the key so they can have some sense of normalicy. Sitting here they have some idea though not enough to realize how desperate I am right now..How I hunger to understand wHy I feel as I do.

I have such a great family, wonderful home, adoring husband..and here I sit wallowing in self destructive mode..Lord I turn it over to you...

So, you not alone..And we have the sisters..I am so grateful this site is here and I think Oprah should recognize how to the world how wonderful this site is for support..So sad we have this battle that can be a losing one if we don't get support and encouragement..

Unread 01-11-2004, 09:18 PM
scary rollercoaster emotions

Dear Mary,
(((((((((((hugs))))))))) for you!! Oh Mary, my heart goes out to you, dear sister. I can relate to your experiences--wanting to be living in the basement to protect your family from your desperate feelings, and having no idea why this is happening or what to do about it. You want so much to be there for your family, but you feel completely bankrupt. You made a wise decision to see a professional about this. Kudos to you that even in the midst of overwhelming pain you are still doing positive things to help yourself and your family--you even found the strength to express your feelings to your fellow-sufferers. Keep reaching out until you find something that helps you. As Katy said to me, "Things will get better!" I like the "name" you chose: just4today. With support, we can take this rollercoaster ride, taking it one day at a time. Even if you cannot feel it, you are deeply loved and you have other sisters who care about you and keep you in their prayers. Keep us posted on how you are doing, okay.

You said you had your surgery on November 23, 2003. For the first two months after my surgery I had two naps a day and I took it very easy. Even when I went back to work 10 weeks later I had to take a nap during lunch break or I wouldn't make it through the day. Instead of my usual four days I worked only two days for 3 months. On my days off I had no desire to go anywhere or phone anyone. It's over a year later now, and I'm just beginning to feel more "normal" again at times, but I still really have to watch my stress level and make sure I get my "down" time. People told me that it takes at least a year to recover from this surgery. Emotionally and physically it takes a huge toll. Hang in there, Mary!

Unread 01-11-2004, 09:29 PM
scary rollercoaster emotions

Dear Katy,
Thank you for sharing your story. I'm so sorry for what you had to go through as a child!! I'm thrilled that you were able to overcome those horrific experiences. Many folks end up unable to cope with life. I love the idea of thinking of five good things a day. Thanks, Katy. That will be my life-long goal from now on. If there's one thing I've learned from having cancer and depression, it's the fact that no matter what happens, we are deeply loved by God, and somehow, life truly is worth living. I've had suicidal thoughts a number of times in my life, and I am so glad that something stopped me from acting on them, and that I am still here. I'm so thankful for this site. When one sister is weak, others step in to show her that there is still hope.


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