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No husband for pre op No husband for pre op

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Unread 01-30-2004, 01:16 AM
No husband for pre op

DH told me today he is not taking the time to go with me to my pre op appt. on Monday. What's up with that? What a chicken! I can't believe he is in la la land about this whole thing. I guess I am greatful that he took the two days off I asked him to for the surgery...mind you I have mentioned the pre op every time I have talked to him about time off for the surgery since it was scheduled. I can't hardly imagine doing this to him...but then again maybe he wouldn't want me there for him in the first place.

There are advantages to NOT having him there too. I had this fear that when the doc starts explaining the details of the surgery and recommendations for recovery that dh would stand up and tell me NOT to do it, or that I would have to listen to him after the appointment...maybe that is why he is not going...maybe he doesn't want me to do this and he is just not saying anything because it's my decision.

I'm afraid that when I talk to the doctor about the details including my own expectations that my dh will feel like I am being presumptious about things I know nothing about.

If nothing else, the doctor will get a real clear picture about how frank he needs to be with my dh about being supportive through my recovery.

I just wish I felt like he cared more than just tolerating my decision. I wish he could deal with things rather than throwing up these walls. I wish he would HELP clean the house before the nanny gets here this weekend. I hate feeling like I have to go through all of this alone.

Is it selfish of me to feel this way? Is it normal for a person to go to a pre op alone because her husband has to work and he already took two whole days off to be there while she's in the hospital? Maybe I should just have him drop me off there Thursday morning and call him when I am ready for a ride home...I think he'd prefer that! I wonder if Dr. Phil would jerk his ear for not being supportive, or mine for being a baby about the whole thing.

I arranged to have help from a friend's daughter because I was afraid of his total lack of support. He acted all hurt and unloved because I made plans for what I needed rather than trusting him to just "take care of everything", but that is just total crap because he never takes care of ME when I am sick or even when I have had a baby. If he really cared and really wanted to be supportive, he would take the week off and be here for me in the days leading up to the surgery knowing that I have arranged for help after I get home from the hospital.

This week I have had two sick kids, three parent-teacher confrences, taught an art docent lesson at the school, arranged travel plans for the nanny, done the major shopping, cleaned the house alone, started preparations for ticket sales for a concert February 21st, cooked nice meals so they will remember that I used to do that and taken care of his dad... I think that's enough. I think tomorrow I will get the massage, manicure and pedicure I was going to do next week, but oh, I have to be here for the carpet cleaner and other errands...

My trip to the castle will provide me with some much needed R&R...maybe that's why I think I need this surgery! I can look forward to someone else doing the cooking and cleaning. I will miss the kids, but not the fighting. I look forward to being home where I can hear them knowing that they are being well looked after while I recover.

I just need to focus on the good things and let go of the hard things. Hystersisters is definitely a good thing in my life right now...THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH!
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Unread 01-30-2004, 01:33 AM
No husband for pre op

So sorry to hear that DH is not going to be with you. Maybe he's

just a little scared for you. Some men don't know how to show

their feelings. But it sounds like you have things under control..

I would keep those pampering appts. if I were you. I had a

pedicure before my surgery too. If you are having abdominal

surgery, it will be a long time before you will be able to touch

those toes/

I wish you a smooth and complications free surgery, and don't

forget your sisters are here for you anytime.
Unread 01-30-2004, 04:12 AM
No husband for pre op

I'm sorry to hear DH isn't being more sensitive. I find that many men just don't "get it".

My DH isn't going to my pre-op either. Now, I won't see my doctor at pre-op, I am going to the hospital for testing. I made the appt for early am and plan to go work right from there. I've seen many, many posts here about being upset that the DH won't take go. Is there something about this pre-op that I should know about? Is it unrealistic for me to expect to go to work after? I just figured they'd do some blood work. I don't know even know what they'll do with me (for 2 hours!)
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Unread 01-30-2004, 06:43 AM
No husband for pre op

My DH didn't go to any appointments with me. He does not do well in any medical setting, and knowing that, I wouldn't have suggested he go. He spent the entire day of my surgery at the hospital with me, and he was the first person I saw when I woke up. As soon as I was awake enough I told him to go home. He came back the next evening, called frequently, and was there to get me when I was discharged. He did take me to my first post op appointment, he managed to sit in the waiting room til I was called in, then bolted for the car to wait for me. He took a vacation week the week after my surgery so he could be home to take care of our grandson though (he was 9 months old the day I had my surgery, and I take care of him, my Mom babysat for the next 5 weeks).

I talked to him about what post op would be like, and printed out the FAQ's for families and posted it on the refrigerator. Our kids are grown so we didn't have little ones to make arrangements for.

Originally posted by TRI&Run
My DH isn't going to my pre-op either. Now, I won't see my doctor at pre-op, I am going to the hospital for testing. I made the appt for early am and plan to go work right from there. I've seen many, many posts here about being upset that the DH won't take go. Is there something about this pre-op that I should know about? Is it unrealistic for me to expect to go to work after? I just figured they'd do some blood work. I don't know even know what they'll do with me (for 2 hours!)
I didn't have an actual pre op apt with my DR. I saw her the day I scheduled surgery, then she called me the night before to see if I had any last minute questions for her.

At my hospital pre op - first I was in the admissions office signing lots of paperwork - pre admission stuff, consent forms, authorization for insurance, etc. Then I moved on to an admissions nurse. She took my height, weight, BP, etc, and also did an extensive medical interview. She explained what would happen from the moment I arrived until I went into surgery. Then she gave me my pre op instructions: bowel prep the night before, shower the morning of, no makeup, jewelry, nail polish, not even any lotion or deodorant that day! My next and last stop was in the lab for blood work.

Some ladies say they see a video, some have EKG's, some talk to the anesthesiologist at this time.

So yes, they do find something to do with you for 2 hours!

Best wishes.
Unread 01-30-2004, 06:52 AM
No husband for pre op

Sometimes men do not understand what all is involved. My DH didn't come to my pre-op appt because he was home with our 4 kids, but I made sure I kept him in the loop about everything. He watched my nerves go whacky the night before surgery. Watched me run around the house like a chicken with my head cut off cleaning and packing stuff for the kids. Making sure everything was in it's spots so when we got up early that morning we'd be ready to go.

With my surgery falling two weeks before Christmas it worked out prefectly. His supervisior had gone through something similar with his wife so he completely understood the time off that my DH need. He took a week and a half and then his surpervisor gave him the week of Christmas off (his shop....he's military...rotate Christmas and New Year's week off) to help me recover.

I was very up front with my DH and told him what was going to be involved and how I would need him throughout those two and a half weeks (not to mention he had to finish Christmas shopping and go to two Christmas programs). He made dinner. Cared for the kids. It probably helped that he was there when I had my tubal. A normal 20 minute procedure took 45 minutes and instead of a few day recovery it took me almost 2 weeks to recover from that.

Sorry...a bit long winded there. My advice is that maybe he shouldn't go to the pre-op appt, but you need to gather all the information you can and give it to him and tell him step by step what will be involved along with instructions from the doctor about your recovery. Most men don't understand until it's staring them in the face. A few things that I've learned throughout my recovery are a) who cares about the long as the stuff is picked up that you could trip over, it will survive, b) a man will come through in a pinch so don't be too awfully hard on him, he's probably scared, c) do not play "Supermom/Superwoman," while you are a strong person you don't have to do everything and make everything prefect. And last, but not NOT get out of your jammies too early in your recovery. Everyone will think you are fine and can take over your "normal" activities.
Unread 01-30-2004, 08:28 AM
No husband for pre op


Your situation sounds alot like mine. We have the same surgery date. My DH is not going to preop with me either. At first I was upset but now Im glad he is not going. Atleast they will be there when we really need them on thursday.
Just think it will all be over soon and we can go back back to our normal lives in no time. Ive almost forgot what being normal is like. I cant wait for it all to be over.
Take care. Ill be thinking about you on thursday.

Unread 01-30-2004, 08:44 AM
No husband for pre op

My pre-op was no big deal....blood test, ekg...that's it. My dh is a pharmacist and by law has to be at his store during the times he has set with the pharmacy board. If he's not there and they show up...they could slap him with a big fine. So I'm used to fending for myself. Went to pre-op alone, but dd and dil went with me the day of surgery. Dh came up that evening after work and I rewarded him by several times.

I hated the fact he couldn't be with me but I understood. Some men though just can't bear to see their wives hurting and they just don't understand that it's our turn to be taken care of....or how serious this surgery really is. It's especially tough when you have little ones to take care of. I cleaned the house like a mad woman before surgery because I hated asking dh as he works six days a week.

I would surely print out that FAQ sheet like mlweeman suggested. I should have done that...maybe I still 3 1/2 weeks post op too late...haha..

Hang in there girl, we're here for ya!!

Unread 01-30-2004, 10:24 AM
No husband for pre op

I'm not planning to take my DH to the pre-op, unless he asks to go. He doesn't do well in hospital settings, and it's getting quite a lot for him to be there for the surgery. His dad died a horrible death in a hospital when he was kid, and I think that still affects him. He's taking the day off for the surgery, and then will go back to work so he can stay off for a few days when I come home. His work will allow him to stop in and see me a couple times thru the day. I'll probably be sleeping a lot anyway, so no reason for him to sit there watching me.
Unread 01-30-2004, 10:30 AM
No husband for pre op

I never even considered my husband coming to my pre-op. The only thing I told him I need him for is to take me and to stay at the hospital during my surgery (doc said someone has to stay). So, he took the day off work. A friend is picking our daughter up from school and bringing her to the hospital so that hubby doesn't have to leave. I don't expect to see him again until the next evening, after work, unless doc says I'm good enough to go home during the day. Then, I will call my hubby and have him leave work early to come get me. I have taken care of everything. I am a stay at home mom. I have arranged for rides to and from school for my daughter for 4 weeks. Doc says I wont be able to drive for 2 - 6 weeks, so I planned in the middle. I met with the teacher to help reduce homework, since I usually do that with my daughter. Hubby works 10 to 12 hours everyday, so I am used to doing everything. I have a few weeks still before my surgery, but aside from last minute mad house cleaning and laundry, I have easy casseroles cooked and frozen (hubby or daughter can just pop into oven), daughters after school activities are also all covered. The only thing hubby has to do is pick her up at the end. I do not know your husband and maybe mine takes all I do for granted, but maybe he just doesn't know how important it is to you for him to be more involved. My hubby is a big worrier. I didn't even tell him about any of my doc appt. or tests until it was confirmed that I was going to have the hysterectomy. Why would I want him to worry any more than he needs to?!!

I wish you all the best with your surgery and your husbands support.

Unread 01-30-2004, 10:50 AM
Thank you all

I was feeling so alone...I thank you all for your kind support...dh will thank you too!! I guess I am just feeling emotional and afraid. I need to be strong. I usually am very independent. I did everything for a lumpectomy alone, so this shouldn't be any different. I guess I just expect too much sometimes. Thanks for your encouragement. I will hold my head up high and face this like I have nothing to fear. I know I can do this....THANKS.

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