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Marriage in distress Marriage in distress

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Unread 02-09-2004, 12:46 PM
Marriage in distress

Well, things seem to be going from bad to worse....

My DH had originally agreed to go to counseling with me, but what he meant was that he would go once or twice to help "fix" me. Not for couples therapy, which is what we need.

He truly believes that all the problems we are having are mine, due to my health issues and surgery. He said I am "broken" and once we fix me everything will be wonderful. I say that, since we are married, this affects both of us and needs to be handled that way. He feels I am NOT the same person he married, and I feel the same way towards him. We just aren't even that kind to eachother any more.

He also pointed out in our argument yesterday that he has sacrificed SO much for me and money. Thanks alot. However, those seem to be the two most imoportant things in his life. He wants me to get better, but I want him to deal with the fact that I will never be exactly the same person I was before surgery. He says that our relationship suffered even before we got married this past October, due to all the health issues and lack of sex. And that every single word out ofmy mouth for the past six months has been a complaint of one kind or another and it's getting old.

We both agreed that if our marriage is going to be like it is now, we don't want it. No one said the "D" word, but I don't know if thismarriage can be saved.

He will never fully understad how and why I have changed, so that is very hard. What hurts my feelings is that he seems so detached from me. He wants sex, but I find sex uncomfortable and unpleasant right now, and have since surgery. And does he really want me to have sex when I don't feel like it or am not "into it"? He then asked what about oral sex? Or did I have to be "into" that, too. Of course I do. It's not about pumping gas. It's an intimate act.

Sorry to ramble, but it's not looking good and I am scared. He agreed to go to counseling but stated that is won't do any good, it's a wast of HIS money (used to be "our" money....very interesting) and he doesn't think it's a couples problem. It's my problem and we just need to fix me.

Sigh. I feel less and less in control of my life and it terrifies me. If he can't even see that all of this is a "couples" issue, that tells me alot. I see a counselor on my own, so that's a great thing for me.

When did this all get so hard? And how do I know if the marriage should end, or if everyone is just stressed out and not handling it well. I just don't know anymore...
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Unread 02-09-2004, 12:57 PM
Marriage in distress

My heart is breaking for you. My husband of 7 years just left me for another women for very similar reasons. Sex was so painful, and made me bleed so much. He just couldn't handle it, and met his needs elsewhere. I am seeing now that I am so much better without him.
I know exactly what you are going through, and it stinks!
Unread 02-10-2004, 02:12 AM
Marriage in distress

It's never easy. I have been separated (divorce in process) for about 18 months now. Just found out that I am having this hyst now because of the upcoming divorce trial. You see, it is always about how things affect them. Never mind you may be facing a life threatening problem. (This is about those self-involved men out there, not so many of the DHs written about on these threads.)

My heart goes out to all of my sisters who are in like situations.
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Unread 02-10-2004, 08:19 AM
Marriage in distress

Dear FallBride:

Here is the link to our Aching Hearts Resources forum... I hope you can find some helpful info there:

I am sending huge cyberhugs
Unread 02-10-2004, 08:25 AM
Urgent...need opinions, please !

well, my DH and I finally said the "d" word last night....Divorce.

For those of you following along, we have been having more and more problems, but the big ones are sex (or lack thereof) and children (or lack thereof).

We said many things last night, but one thing he said is really bothering me. He told me that, quote "If having a child is more important to you than being married to me, then you should leave now and get a divorce".

All my life I've wanted a family and when we first met he was not wanting kids, then he was undecided, and now he says he might want one someday but is not in favor of adoption, which is our only choice due to my hyst. So I might wait years only to have him decide that he does not want kids, then what would I do.

We also both agreed we should have waited to get married instead of getting married this past October, during all of the medical chaos/drama. Because if the relationship had turned out like this we would not have gotten married.

Am I crazy for thinking his statement about kids is pretty harsh??? I'm thinking that the fact that he said that tells me I AM in the wrong marriage.

Sisters, any thoughts? We are seeing a marriage counselor for the first time today. The tension in the house this morning is unbearable.
Unread 02-10-2004, 10:16 AM
Re: Urgent...need opinions, please !

WOW sounds like there are some big underlaying issues on his side.

We said many things last night, but one thing he said is really bothering me. He told me that, quote "If having a child is more important to you than being married to me, then you should leave now and get a divorce".
Since I am fairly new here I have only caught onto the last few threads you posted. But when you got married he was 100% aware that there would be no children from you right?

I hate to see a new marriage go down this path so soon. Maybe he needs some one on one counselling first?? I will be waiting to hear what happened today. Good Luck
Unread 02-10-2004, 01:07 PM
Marriage in distress

Fall Bride,

I went back and read some of your other posts to try to get a feeling for what you are going through. I am glad that you are going to counseling for yourself and that your husband has also agreed to go with you. I think from what you have said in your previous posts that your husband may have some unresolved issues regarding children due to his own childhood. He may feel that he will not be a good father due to the fact that his own father made it very obvious that he (your husband) was not exactly something that was wanted, but rather something he was forced to deal with.

Was your husband aware of how much you wanted to have children before you got married? It sounds like he wasn't. Communication is so important in a realtionship. If you knew how he felt about children when you got into this realtionship, then maybe you need to re-evaluate your reasons behind wanting one so badly. I am not a counselor and do not want to belittle your feelings, but just am asking you to think things through.

You married this man for many reasons, I am sure those reasons have not disappeared. Try to go back to some of your less complicated days and try to remember why and how you fell in love.

Yes, men can be demanding when it comes to "their needs" and your husband needs to realize that you can not turn your desire on and off. I can understand how hard it can be to be "in the mood" if you are constantly upset with your husband. Maybe you could explain that to him somehow. Also, if desire is a problem you may want to check with your doctor about hormones. Lack of desire can be hormone related.

Hope some of this helped. You are in my thought and ers.

Take care and let us know how the counseling went today.

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