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pre-surgery jitters pre-surgery jitters

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Unread 02-10-2004, 08:09 PM
pre-surgery jitters

Hello to my sisters!
This is a bit of a 'i need to talk to someone and no-one at home understands' posts. Fistula repair surgery is coming up on thursday and I'm feeling like an emotional basketcase. I start crying at the most inopportune times and I just can't seem to get a grip. I know it's a mixture of fear, anticipation, and (hoped-for) relief but i just can't explain it to my dear family members. I was sitting with my 17 year old son and i just started my mind I was thinking that I needed to tell him that if anything happened to me (ya, I know, it's just bladder surgery!) that he would be taken care of financially (insurance) and emotionally/physically by my parents (I have a blended family and my DH and DS do not get along at all). But then I thought, what am I doing? Like, the kid doesn't need this kind of worry. He kept saying, what's wrong...and I said, 'Oh, you know, a bit stressed about the surgery, kind of a basketcase, I'm okay' and left it at that.
I decided I'd go have a good cry in the shower. Well, an hour later after having scrubbed (at least twice) the floor, every wall, and the glass doors while in the shower, I felt a lot better (and pretty much like a prune ). But, I am still walking on this really thin emotional tightrope and I feel like i'm going to lose it any minute. I guess this is normal?? for someone who's had a bad experience with their last abdominal surgery (you know-incisional infection, hole in the bladder, diapers for months..yadda yadda)...but even when I had my son by c-section 17 years ago Ihad a bad experience (they left a bleeder in and I hemmoraged after they sent me home with a newborn and a fever of 102). So here I am about to let them open up that scar yet one more time and man, I wish I had that morphine pump right now cuz I'd just dose myself until surgery day and wake up to find it all over!
Anyway, sorry to dump, I just need to feel that someone can hear what i'm feeling and understand

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Unread 02-10-2004, 08:41 PM
(((( Amanda )))))

I completely know where you are coming from... You are NOT alone. What you are feeling IS perfectly normal. And while bladder surgery is not a hyster, it IS surgery none the less, and in my book, still a big one. And with what you have experienced you have every right to be nervous. I think no matter what kind of surgery and how many surgeries one may have had, it is never easy. I am facing my 4th surgery in less than a year. I am not sure totally what will be on my plate, but I have not been myself since I found out I will need more surgery. During quiet times I feel myself going to a dark scary place... All I want to do is cry... And I have written secret notes to the one's I love and hid them. Sometimes it is a way to calm the mind. All I know is you are in the same place as me.... See me to you.... Hang in there sister... As one wise sister posted to me here, try to find a positive thing, and focus on that....

Big Big I will be praying for a smooth fix for you, and a good recovery.... Susie
Unread 02-11-2004, 04:46 AM
pre-surgery jitters

Very simply...thank you, Susie for your kind words. It is comforting to know that neither of us in alone in that 'dark place'.
back to you
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Unread 02-11-2004, 06:35 AM
(((( Amanda ))))

You are very very welcome.... I was thinking about you this morning, as I was walking around.... With my full bladder... Ok ready for the laugh... I was walking around feeling my full bladder, and in my head singing "Me and my bladder" ROFLMBO!!! to the tune of Me and my Shadow....

Oh yeah, never been afraid of steppin of the ledge!!!! Well...... On a good note, atleast you have a very clean bathroom!!!!!!

Good luck tomorrow!!!! Susie
Unread 02-11-2004, 06:51 AM
pre-surgery jitters

Oh Amanda!!

I can completely understand. I think it's partially due to the fact that we 'know' that we have to do this thing 'again'. The surgery, the recovery bulls**t..and it's natural to be worried. I was completely terrified and full of anxiety. At least you're able to talk yourself down! I DID talk to my 19 yr old DS..the 'if anything happens' speech. Great mom eh? I was just so scared that 'something awful' would happen..I probably shouldn't have said that stuff to him but at the time, I just wanted to make sure I'd 'covered all the bases' or so I told myself.

So...nothing awful happened (guess that's pretty obvious though) and it's all better than ever now. I know this is too much info..but I'm sitting here in my bathrobe..NO PAD, NO DIAPER..NO UNDERWEAR!!! Wooo hooo!!

Yes, Amanda, you are allowed to be petrified, I certainly was..and it's been pretty tough for me to allow myself to relax since & just accept that it's BETTER NOW!! We've had such a long road of 'oh, man, now what the heck is going on' that we tend to maybe 'expect the worst' now, but the 'worst' isn't going to's the BETTER!! I still reach down there & cop a feel every now & then just to check if I'm really STILL dry! Like I shouldn't be?

I just want you to know that I cried LOTS, sat around staring at the walls, couldn't think straight..again, it's been SUCH a long haul.

The next time you feel like you're going to lose it, just think about this time next week..and the week friend, it ONLY gets BETTER!! For REAL!!!!!!!!!
Unread 02-11-2004, 07:01 AM
pre-surgery jitters

thanks for those words,,,i remember what it was like to sit with no pad, diaper, underwear on from my brief 'no-leakage' hiatus and I'm feeling really good for you in a vicarious sort of way. I took a sleeping pill last night and had a really good sleep (figured tonight would be a write-off and i didnt' want to take one tonight just cuz of tomorrow). Well, i had the first full night's sleep in a long time, no trips to the loo, but woke up this morning in very wet sheets with a big saggy ole diaper and I thought ...eureka... this is my happy thought: "no more wet beds!" So, it may be silly, but i'm holding onto that thought and it's gonna get me through
Unread 02-11-2004, 07:29 AM
pre-surgery jitters

NO more wet beds.
NO more diapers.
NO more pads.
NO more 'accidents'

Fistula repair = Priceless.
Unread 02-11-2004, 08:02 AM
pre-surgery jitters

Hi Amanda,

to you! It is only natural to have such fears and to cry a lot, you have had some bad experiences with the other surgeries and it has been a long road. But you are so close to being dry now and soon it will all be over.

Take care and let us know how you go. We are all thinking of you!

Love Blossom
Unread 02-12-2004, 10:38 AM
pre-surgery jitters

Thinking of you today & hoping you are in the best possible hands. Thanks so much for posting about the terror & the tears pre-op. I've been feeling the same way & again find reassurance here. Keep us posted on your progress.

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