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Hi -- haven't been here for awhile but really need your help Hi -- haven't been here for awhile but really need your help

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Unread 03-29-2004, 11:27 AM
Hi -- haven't been here for awhile but really need your help

Hi --

I haven't been here for awhile and really need your help, so please forgive me. I was going to post in Aching Hearts, but since this is cancer related, I thought I'd start here. I have ovarian cancer IIIC and just had my second recurrence. This recurrence was extremely hard on me -- I think I took it as hard as my diagnosis. I've been very, very angry and upset over my situation. Things actually look pretty good now -- my CA-125 is in the 100 range, and I'm on tamoxifen to try to hold off on more chemo. I feel so bummed out -- I was on Doxil for 1-1/2 years and within six months, my cancer came back (incredibly discouraging). I have a wonderful counselor who is helping me. The problem is with my husband -- he just doesn't understand how devastated I feel (and, no, he won't go with me to counseling). He thinks that whenever I'm in a bad mood, it is projected on him and it is his fault. I just can't be happy all of the time -- in fact, I feel suicidal at times, to be frank. I try to do things like go shopping and buy things like perfume to try to cheer myself up, but he doesn't like the money spending part (even though he just sent $17,000 to our church and trust me, we are not hard- up for money). But I guess what is hurting me the most is that he says he is no longer attracted to me and feels that he is more of a father to me than a husband because of all of the caretaking he has had to do. This is just killing me inside. I feel like such a failure. I don't need this on top of the cancer. Do you have any ideas or suggestions on how I can deal with him?


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Unread 03-29-2004, 11:45 AM
Hi -- haven't been here for awhile but really need your help

Men can be so stupid sometimes. I'm so, so sorry that you're having to deal with this. I felt so unattractive (and bald) for a year, and when the first guy came along and told me I was cute, I just about fell over.

I am much more concerned about your resistance to the treatments that have been proferred thus far. Have your doctors considered Carboplatin with Gemzar? Or are you platinum-resistant?

If you can find a Wellness Community -- or another cancer support group -- near you, you will find a lot of sympathetic "been there and understand" ears. I go to a young adults group, and I really enjoy it. I go more to help others and just to know that I'm not alone in being in my 30s and dealing with cancer.

The most important thing you have in this life (besides God) is YOUR LIFE. I'm not married, but when faced with the prospect of fighting for your life, I suspect that much of your time and energy needs to be focused inward. That might leave your husband feeling like he's not getting the attention that all men need to have. Have you asked your husband what you can do differently to get your marriage back on track? Maybe giving him a chance to say what he needs would help. You might be able to make some changes, or you might decide that he's just a dork. I don't know. I'm grasping at straws here.

It's understandable that you can't be happy all the time. I am blessed with a super-happy disposition and always have been, but I realize that I am rare in this. It can be easy to lose faith, but do not. None of us have any guarantees in life, nor do we know how long we'll be blessed to live on this planet.

I had to go through chemo and am now doing fine, and it was such a horrible thing to go through. But I lost an acquaintance in 9/11 and my mom's best friend was killed unexpectedly at Christmas, and those kinds of things make you realize that we're lucky each day that we're here. How we choose to spend our time on this earth is important. I think life is too short to spend it being sad all the time. I get sad, but I work hard to keep sadness at bay.

I don't know if any of this is even remotely helpful. I'm just sitting here and saw your post and am procrastinating about exercising (because it's really hot outside), so I thought I would write back to let you know that I'm thinking about you .

I hope your husband can be a little more supportive as you prepare for your next round of battle. I wish I could give you a big .
Unread 03-29-2004, 11:55 AM
Hi -- haven't been here for awhile but really need your help


I am so sorry you are going thru this recurrence, and that your husband is not being more supportive. He can give to the church, but can't give time and love to you and that is wrong, not what God or any church teaches. You are not a failure. It is your husband that is faling you right now. Don't let untrue feelings of failure sap your strength. My husband to treats me as if I am a sick daughter, no longer an equal partner and it does hurt badly,
but i try not to let my husband, cancer nor cancer define me.
Pope John Paul ll said "We are not the sum of our weaknesses and failures. We are the sum of the Father's love and our real capacity to become the image of his son." That statement is one the re lighting candles in my soul, " when all other light go out." and I don't think you need to be a catholic to benefit from it.
Cyndy, If you aren't recieving the love you need from your husbad right now, reach out to others, on this board, at your church. We may have cancer, but it doesn not have to have us.
Before reading your post I recieved a forwarded e-mail from a friend that I almost deleted because I don't usually read fowards, but something made me read this one . I think was meant for you. It is is a wonderful poem Audrey Hepburn wrote when asked to share
"beauty tips." It was read at her funeral years later.
For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.
For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair, let a child run his/her fingers through it once a day. For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone.People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone. Remember, if you ever need a
helping hand, you will find one at the end of each of your arms.
As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands; onefor helping yourself, and the other for helping others.
If you share this with another woman, something good will happen . .
. you will boost another woman's self esteem, and she will know that
care about her.
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Unread 03-29-2004, 01:53 PM
Hi -- haven't been here for awhile but really need your help

Welcome back to Hyster Sisters. This is one place where sisters will listen. You are welcome to vent anytime. If the man in your life won't or can't give you support, then perhaps you could find a support group. I somethimes think men lack empathy though no fault of their own.
Ruth S
Unread 03-29-2004, 03:33 PM
Saw Cyndy Today

I stopped over and visited with her for a while this afternoon.
I live in the same city (but we are on totally opposite ends) and can easily keep in phone or in person contact. Let's all pray hard.
Unread 03-29-2004, 04:42 PM
Hi -- haven't been here for awhile but really need your help

Huge s Cyndy

Welcome back!! Welcome back!!
I have missed you greatly! And have often wondered whatever had happened to you. You were one of my very first friends on Cancer Concerns back in June of 2001. One of the first woman I ever made contact with that shared my ovarian cancer diagnosis.
You, Vicki and Maria. The trio of women that told me I could battle this cancer and continue to live!!
And I never got to properly thank you before you disappeared from my life. THANK YOU
I wish I could help you with your current problem.
Have you only had three chemo drugs thus far? (taxol, carboplatin, doxil)
If so, perhaps it is time to go back to carboplatin or low weekly doses of taxol or taxatere. I t sounds as though there are still many unused drugs out there for you.
About your husband. It must be difficult. Some men can be jerks. And just not up to the challenge. Are you still working?
Do you provide your own health coverage? Only you can decide when enough is enough. Sometimes it might be easier to be alone than to have expectations that are never met.
Did Ellen tell you about the acor list for all sorts of problems connected to ovarian cancer. Perhaps some ladies there might have suggestions for you.
But in the meantime, remember...... We are always here. 24/7 And that love of your life could still be out there ahead in your future.
Banish any suicidal thoughts!! You have too much living yet to do.

Unread 03-29-2004, 05:25 PM
Hi -- haven't been here for awhile but really need your help


Life is truly a gift - I know that that saying is a cliche, but it's true.

I have criss-crossed scars on my abdomen, and a port a cath sticking out like a knob, but, as I told my gyn/onc, I have a beautiful body. Why? Because it works, and it did not for a while, and even though I am not out of the woods yet - (another cliche, I guess), I love life.

But, no one will put me down. I come and go with my level of confidence, and, I suspect , many people are like that.

But, I truly believe that I have a beautiful body. Is it the way that it was before? Nope!

And, I will tell you this - after my first op., when I was in truly bad shape physically, I did have what no words can ever truly describe - but, it was something quite real and tangible, and filling the room - it was called grace and love, an embrace to come. I am not a religious (in the formal sense) woman, but I knew then that not only was I loved, I am loved. Once again, life is truly precious.

big and a er for you
Unread 03-29-2004, 06:40 PM

I read your post and my heart goes out to you. I don't have a lot of words of wisdom to add to what the others have said except to echo their thoughts because I agree with what they wrote.

Try to keep your chin up.
Unread 03-30-2004, 08:18 AM
Hi -- haven't been here for awhile but really need your help

Dear Cyndy,

My husband and I separated 2 months before I was diagnosed. After my surgery I had decided at that time to divorce him and banish all negative aspects from my life. I told him when I was in the hospital of my plans. When I got home my daughter moved in to help me but my husband was there almost everyday. I realised all too soon that I still loved him. I tried so many times to talk to him about what I was going through but he never wanted to hear. I finally realised, after something he said to me, that if he didn't talk about it I didn't have cancer and it would go away. He also took my bad moods and my anger personally. I found this site and the first thing I read was the Survivors guide. I immediately printed it off and gave it to my husband and made him read it to me. (that way I knew he read it) He started to cry and he really started to listen to me after that. We started working on our relationship. We both realised how important our love was. We have been back together since the monday after Christmas. I am not saying all has been great but it gets better everyday. I feel that with God, my husband, daughter, grandson, parents, brothers and family and friends I can beat this disease. Please banish any suicidal thoughts you have. You have come so far to think like that. This is only a temporary setback at worst. Have your husband read the survivors guide to you and hopefully he will understand you better. I pray all will be well with you.

Unread 03-30-2004, 08:06 PM
Hi -- haven't been here for awhile but really need your help


Welcome back! I have missed seeing you around the boards. I feel bad, though, that you are having a difficult time with DH.

I wish I had some words of wisdom for you. This must be so painful for you to go through! Just keep praying, and trust that God will guide you and DH in the right direction. Relationships are difficult, even under the very best of circumstances, and yours has certainly had more than it's share of trials. If your counselor is helping you, then keep on going. It's unfortunate that DH won't go with you--he must have a lot of things that he is afraid to talk about or think about. Or he may be afraid of what you want to say to him. Only DH can change himself and his responses and thoughts, and if he's not ready to do that, well, he's just not ready.

I hope you are able to find the support you need through family, friends, and cybersisters. We are open 24/7, and we have very big shoulders. Please know that I will be keeping you (and DH) in my thoughts and 'ers.


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