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How do I deal with my mom? How do I deal with my mom?

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  #1  
Unread 04-15-2004, 12:56 PM
How do I deal with my mom?

I'm going in on May 3rd to have the last ovary removed and to hopefully resolve the bowel obstruction problems. I am in a LOT of pain most of the time and take vicodin once a day (it's prescribed for 3x's a day, but I'm cutting back on it because I don't like taking it for so long).

The problem is my bother. She keeps e-mailing me and her e-mails are all the same:
"You'll be out of pain soon and you'll feel like a new woman"!

Now mind you, I have stage 4 endo and she has no clue what that is like...she didn't suffer the kind of problems I have had physically. She believes I'll just be healed...either because she's praying for that or because she just likes to believe that only good things happen...or because she wants me to stop having problems and attend to her needs.

Please trust me, I'm not just being mean to her...she's always been a very childish and self-centered woman. It's just that this time she's really bothering me. It bothers me because I have to prepare myself for the long-term...and my pain may not be helped by this surgery. I may need to learn to ACCEPT the chronic pain and learn to cope with it. Mentally I'm still struggling with the acceptance of it because it makes me depressed. I'm doing better (thanks to my (((sisters))) here) but I'm still new at this. Her words hurt me because she acts like she can predict the future for me...and she tries to get me to hope for the best. Menatally that's not the best thing for me. I hope it does go well...but I can't let my hopes ride on that or I could be more depressed when it doesn't work out.

Am I making sense?

How do I deal with her? I feel like if she says it one more time I'm going to SCREAM!

Rita (who's really frustrated with Mom)
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  #2  
Unread 04-15-2004, 01:41 PM
My mom

Boy we do have a lot in common. I know you love your mom and you know she means well, all I can offer is a and to tell you to smile and just let it roll off. Moms are the ones who want to make thier babies ok. My mom suffers from everything under the sun, headaches, footaches, stomacheaches, she had a hyst when she was 29 also and refused hrt so she has power surges and mood swings. MY little sister lives with her and my dad (plus her two children age 7 and 18 mons) my dad is disabled and can't work so mom is the only income and sometimes talkig to her is like listening to a broken record. But I also have to realize that life for her can't be easy and that even though I am in pain and it is hard for her to have compassion because she took care of me it is my turn in the circle of life to take care of her, I need to have compassion. I have had to tell my mom once or twice to try and understand that I am uable to do certain things and that she will have to ask one of my other sisters (I have two).
You need to concentrate on you. And know that your mom will be fine that is the good thing with mother and daughter relationships, they are unconditional. My mom gives me a hard time all the time about my meds but it is nothing for her to pop two tylox for her headaches, I have to fight for tylenol3 for my pain. Hopefully that will change once I get in to see the pain clinic.
Just keep your chin up and remember your sisters are here for you and your mom will love you no matter what.
Try explaining it to her. Maybe she doesn't know it hurts your feelings. Besides the Lord says Honor thy Mother and Father, not
Let them guilt you into running your life.<><
LOL
Jeni
  #3  
Unread 04-15-2004, 02:01 PM
How do I deal with my mom?

Rita:



I can closely identify with what you are saying ... you don't want to hope just to be let down again. That is perfectly understandable, to me, anyway. You'd like to be realistic in your hopes and be pleasantly surprised with a favorable outcome.

Its not that we WANT to be in pain, its just that at this point we are willing to accept a certain level and go on down the road. We don't expect to be pain free any longer. Would be great, but it might not happen and we are preparing to deal with that.

Some sisterly concern: Please take your pain meds as prescribed by your doctor.

Hang in there!
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  #4  
Unread 04-15-2004, 02:26 PM
Thanks sisters...

(((Jeni)))
  Quote:
the Lord says Honor thy Mother and Father, not
Let them guilt you into running your life.
You made me smile with that! Thank you! I am trying so hard to honor my Mom (and believe me, she hasn't been a mother to me, so it's even harder to do that then usual). I'm trying...but she's sooooo hard to deal with. I hope God understands.

(((Michelle)))
Thank you for understanding hun. I know I should take the vicodin...I'm just so afraid of becoming addicted (I've never had that problem, but it happens to people) that I made myself stop taking them as much just to be sure I could stop. Does that make sense? I know my GYN is going to tell me to stop them the week before surgery and I wanted to know I could do that. I was a bit afraid since I've taken them since last November.

Thanks for understanding (((sisters))). I love this site...there's always a (((sister))) around who knows exactly how to offer support and understanding!

Hugs,

Rita *sigh*...I'm going to go try to write Mom a nice e-mail now and help her understand what I'm dealing with. I will be nice, I promise.

BTW, I'm also a bit angry with her because she had endo (she had a hyster for it, but it was stage 1 endo and not the only reason for her hyster). I'm angry because I've had horrible pain with my periods for years, and she KNEW this, but not once did she ever tell me about her endo. I was too young to know about it when she had her hyster...but it makes me angry that I suffered for so long and she never told me! I even remember having horrible pain with my periods and staying home from school and she'd tell me I was being too sensitive. A part of me is still bitter...like she could have informed me about her history. Know what I mean? When the sisters on here post about concern for their daughters I feel happy...I know those daughters will appreciate their mother's help.

Okay...I'm stalling...I'll go write that e-mail!
  #5  
Unread 04-15-2004, 02:43 PM
How do I deal with my mom?

Dear Rita,

My own mum just left after a quick Easter visit. I love her so much, but it is hard to be loving!

Sometimes it helps to write the letter as you really feel, even with the mean words , express your anger fully, and then don't send it ... then write the toned down, nicer, yet still honest version. Always be true to yourself and your feelings. Honesty in all things. Use feeling words: "I feel frustrated." not "you frustrate me," "I feel irritated," Not "you or it drives me crazy" This will help her listen better without becoming defensive, and you won't sell your own feelings short.

I have found that sometimes pure honesty, when given in love, can transform a relationship. Or at least give our loved one some pause.

Good luck, sweetie!
With love and light and thoughts of peace,
Loretta
  #6  
Unread 04-15-2004, 02:54 PM
How do I deal with my mom?

Loretta:

You are so right ...I do that all the time ... write things down to vent and then start over with it toned down.

Rita:

Your doctor may not ask you to quit the pain meds the week before. May just be the day before. But anyway, now that you know that you can stop, take your meds as directed by your doc!!!

I am so sorry your Mom hasn't been there for you. We are here, if that's any consolation.

More s
  #7  
Unread 04-16-2004, 05:42 AM
How do I deal with my mom?

Oh ((((Rita)))))) I'm so sorry that your mom's view of the world is still affecting you, even when you're entitled to be free from it

As a daughter, and daughter-in-law, I've been the victim of this many a time. It's frustrating, at best. However, as a mom I can now understand where it might be coming from: I soooo do not want my precious children to be in pain or to be sick that, sometimes, I will put blinders on in the hope for the best.

Your mother's reaction may be from a combination of a number of things: On the one hand, she be honestly want you to be ok and might be trying to will you into being healthy and pain free. Don't forget that there are many out there who believe strongly in the power of positive thinking and think that just by being positive, then good things will happen.

Of course, she may also be thinking that your pain is not that bad, based on her own experience. One thing I've learned, over the years, is that certain conditions tend to intensify through the generations. For instance, my mom has a very, very, very mild form of Restless Leg Syndrome: she'll occasionally have problems that will, easily, go away. Both my sister and I have a moderate form of it: We'll get it whenever we're very tired and had it during pregnancy. However, in both our cases, it would be a lot more likely to be very hard to get rid of it. Now, both of our young daughters have a severe form of it. Not only did it start in early childhood for them (mine started with my first pregnancy, and my sister's started about the same time), but it is also a whole lot more severe and painful and will likely even wake them up, on top of preventing them from falling asleep. If I hadn't read that RLS could be that severe, I would have seriously questionned my daughter's reactions!!! Same thing might be happening with your mom where your endo is concerned: the symptoms may have started later and, since it was stage 1, were probably also a whole lot less severe. And, chances are that hers cleared with the hyst. All of this makes it hard for her to understand where you're coming from.

Now, on how to deal with her: I think that writing that letter as you feel, without toning it down and never sending it will be one way to get it out of your system without hurting her, and without adding to any feelings of guilt you may have. You can then either delete it or just edit it.

Another thing you might want to consider is just ignoring her e-mails if, even after you tell her how you feel, she still insists on writing all this positive non-sense

Whatever you decided to do, (((Rita)))), your sisters are here for you.
  #8  
Unread 04-16-2004, 01:41 PM
How do I deal with my mom?

I am sorry to read that you are having issues with your mother. I experienced similar problems in the past, either my problems couldn't be very severe when they were, or my mother would turn a hang nail into a case for amputation. I never knew which stance she would take, and frankly both made me crazy.

For the past 4 years I've "hidden" my gyn issues, and my subsequent 4 surgeries. I live in another town about an hour away. My mother died last week never knowing that I'd had any problems. A sad story of how bad communication and family issues can be. I would have liked to have been able to talk to her about my medical issues, since we shared so many in common, but it wasn't meant to be.

Try to level with your mom, since she already knows about the upcoming surgery. Maybe tell her how frightening/frustrating it is for you to be facing another surgery, and that you need and desire her support. Maybe her comments of "out of pain" and "a new woman" are truly meant in the kindest way - perhaps its the old adage of sometimes we can read emails with the wrong "tone".

Good luck to you on your surgery, and please try to convey to your mother how much her support would mean to you at this time.
  #9  
Unread 04-16-2004, 02:37 PM
Thank you !

Thank you soooooo much (((sisters)))! Each one of you had such good suggestions and I deeply appreciated the support! I didn't know other people had these issues with their Moms and I didn't know about the generation thing (((Dany))) which makes sense with the RLS because I've got more trouble with it than Daddy did, and his case was difficult. I always thought I was just too complaining or something. I didn't know things could increase from one generation to the next.

I did write an e-mail to Mom. First I wrote one and kept it in my compose box...then I went back and editted out the nasty stuff. I sent it to her and she responded within an hour and it was her typical response...she said she thought I was being too negative. I gave her the facts. Negative? maybe...but it's all the realistic stuf I've read and/or been told about my situation. She said she thought it was ODD that I was in so much pain. Strange choice of words.

Then she went on to talk about self-tanners, her dog's bathroom habits and what she'll wear to work tomorrow. In other words, my Mom is a child...she can't cope with adult problems or conversations. I've known that for years...but I just experienced it in a new way...and I'm going to learn to let her alone in her childish world. I won't allow someone to make me feel "odd" or shameful for being in pain and for having a real medical problem.
and as (((nervous nel))) said so well...my mother will make her own hang nail a reason to discuss amputation. Geeesh.

Thank you for being there for me sisters. I realize now my mother lives in denial because that works for her. I won't go to her for support or understanding.

And thank you to all the mothers here that actually try to help their daughters. Even if they don't say it at the time, it does mean a whole lot to them to have that kind of support.

Rita
  #10  
Unread 04-16-2004, 05:02 PM
How do I deal with my mom?

((((Rita)))))) I'm so sorry your mother has proven to be less than supportive I guess you can't change her

One thing that's for sure, you got plenty of Hyster Sisters who are here for you
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