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afraid, it is finally hitting me afraid, it is finally hitting me

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Unread 06-29-2004, 11:43 PM
afraid, it is finally hitting me

Hi there sisters

Well, it is finally hitting me and I am afraid. Afraid of what, I cannot say. From the begining of this which was March, I have held up nicely or so I thought. Even the dx of endometrial cancer was a relief. I now had something to fight. I have surgery July 6th just 1 week away and they are taking it all, I have cysts on the ovaries, No one has told me the exact # of my CA125 test but the gyn felt better about it. My GYN/ONC is not truly concerned with them, happy of her, the kidney man feels like we caught it early as they found a tumor on my kidney during a ct scan, and he can get it all out without taking the entire kidney, but honestly ladies, how many people get TWO primary cancers caught early?

I am afraid that the cancer head will take over, I had a cold and they had to postpone surgery, needless to say I felt it was lung cancer, mind you I had already had my pre admission chest xray, but did that stop my brain? I am afraid my love lifewill be non existant, that my husband will not want me any longer even though he states differently, I am afraid that my best male friend (of 33 years -- since high school) will no longer find me attractive, he is great for my ego, and he tells me that will never happen. I am afraid that being out of work will financially hurt us. I am afraid people will look at me and treat me differently.

I am afraid that my daughter will one day have to go through this. I am afraid that my life is going to change and not for the better. I do not want to lose my energy as I am already tired a lot of the time, I am afraid that I will look my age (49) even though I will never act it.

I KNOW I am not the only one going through this and am so happy that I have a place to go to in the middle of the night and vent.

I do and have always appreciated my family and friends as I lost my Mother when I was young and recently (2.5 years ago) lost my baby sister (34) in a car accident. I have had several miscarriages so my children are well loved, and KNOW it. I also know that they love me.

But knowing al lof this does not make the fear go away, can some one tell me DOES IT EVER?
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Unread 06-30-2004, 03:08 AM
afraid, it is finally hitting me


Many HUGS to you!! I can certainly relate to all you are feeling having the same diagnosis of endometrial cancer over the winter, and a few other surprises along the way which fortunately were benign.

Wanted to share this story about a gal I worked with who too was diagnosed with two primary cancers. I worked with Barbara a few years back at a nursing home. It was time to have our annual TB tests, and Barbara was terribly afraid of needles. Opting not to get the needle, she had to get a chest x-ray which is another way to test for TB. As fate would have it, and mind you she was not ill in any way, a lung tumor was discovered on her x-ray. In the course of her workup, another completely unrelated tumor was found on one of her ovaries!! Barbara had the required surgery, radiation, and chemo, and today which is almost 5 years later, she is happy, healthy, and living life to the fullest

Loraine, hope this above story gave you a little hope in learning that others who have had multiple cancers have made it through with flying colors.
Unread 06-30-2004, 08:49 AM
afraid, it is finally hitting me


I have felt so many of those exact fears. Cancer doesn change your life drastically, and for me some ways it is worse, but in many ways it is also better, because I truly savor life, thinkl I focis on what is truly important.
I had very drastic surgery and my husband, best friends, male and female still love me. One of these friends said that almost losing me, made him realize how precious our friendships is.
i have a 15 year old daughter and I worry about her having to go thru this, but hopefully there will be better treatments, and even a cure. I try to use what I have gone thru to educate her and, hopefully show her, and my sons, how to handle, not just cancer, but all life's adversity with grace and faith.
The cancer head does try to get the upper hand, and every gas pain makes me think I have a tumor, but hopefully that will settle down. It helps the cancer head to know that with regular tests and recurrence will be caught early. You said that your children know they are well loved and you know they love you. Cancer will never change that!
I find that loving and knowing we are loved keeps the fear at bay. Try to take things one day at a time, and focus on loving and being loved by the people in your life. Don't ever shut them out.
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Unread 06-30-2004, 10:09 AM
afraid, it is finally hitting me

s Loraine,
I was diagnosed with two primary cancers - endometrial and ovarian, both early stage. I know it sounds strange, but I am grateful for the endometrial cancer making itself known. The ovarian cancer was so early that none of the standard tests even picked it up. The pathologist found it after everything had been removed. The surgeon told me it was caught in the nick of time - in another month it would have been much more advanced.

Yes, I was frightened and unsure of the future. But now I can tell you honestly that life has never been sweeter. I have learned not to sweat the small stuff and savor each day. While some people have dropped out of my life, I have made many wonderful new friends, some from this very forum. In some ways I look at my experience as a house cleaning. I shed a lot of attitudes and people that were not helpful.

As for cancerhead, it is normal under the circumstances. While it is always there below the surface, it does become easier to deal with as time goes by. I certainly have had my moments. Keep a sense of humor - it helps!

I know you are scared right now, and have many questions about what's to come. Try to take things a day at a time and not project into the future. Don't personalize cancer, or let it own you. You are so much more. Know that you can always come to this forum with questions or just to vent. The women here are pretty awesome, and will be there for you.

Best of luck with your surgery next week. Everyone here will be pulling for you. Please keep us updated. Hang in there, you will get through this.
Unread 06-30-2004, 03:17 PM
afraid, it is finally hitting me

Thank you sisters for your support. I had my pre admission testing done AGAIN today and did get some good news, that the CA 123 was an 11. SO I guess my gyn/onc knows what she is looking at.

I am so glad that I have somewhere to go when it gets dark out, in my mind and at night, LOL. I do try to control my fits of nerves but sometime they win, LOL

I am so glad that I have all of my "sisters" to help me

Thanks again

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