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Please help -- feeling hopeless Please help -- feeling hopeless

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Unread 07-11-2004, 05:23 PM
Please help -- feeling hopeless

I'm so sad...feeling also lonely and very scared.

Had radical hysto in Jan, found 2 lymph nodes infected on micro level so had to go thru chemo and radiation. Ony 36, no kids, and my fertility gone. GONE. FOREVER. NO KIDS...EVER. NO ONE WILL EVER SHARE MY NAME OR LOOK LIKE ME, FOR GOOD FOR FOR BAD.

IT'S SO AWFUL, NOONE WILL EVER WANT ME. Know I'm being indulgent, but am so depressed. Don't know what to do.
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Unread 07-11-2004, 05:42 PM
Please help -- feeling hopeless

well iam so sorry about your health, but this may not be what you wish to hear. but things happen for a reason. and god has his plans for this reason. take your time and relax. things will get better. you will see, you just have to belive .

god bless

Unread 07-11-2004, 06:17 PM
Let Your Dr. Know How You Feel

I'm thinking this might be hormonal changes or lack of hormones that is causing mood swings. Also, you could be clinically depressed. I've been through depression and have found both a therapist and Celexa very helpful. As for not being wanted--how do you know yet? Keep your mind and eyes open and he may come along and notcare about your infertility. Let your Dr. know how you feel.
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Unread 07-11-2004, 06:21 PM
Please help -- feeling hopeless


I'm so sorry that life has put you on a path you were not anticipating. It's OK (and normal) to feel sad or depressed or angry or whatever you want to feel about this situation. You are not indulging yourself--you're expressing your feelings.

I wish I had any words of wisdom for you, but I don't. This is something you will have to work through. You may be able to do it on your own. You might need the help of a professional counselor. But it will take time either way. Eventually, you might feel like adoption could be an option for you. There are lots of children out there who need someone to love them. There could be one out there waiting for you.

You might also like to check out our Aching Hearts Forum. I know that many ladies post there who are also mourning the loss of their fertility.

(((Annie))) I will be keeping you in my thoughts and 'ers.

Unread 07-11-2004, 06:39 PM
Please help -- feeling hopeless

Hi Annie,

I am sorry to hear that you are feeling down. Emotional mood swings are definately part of the healing process. I cannot say that I know exactly how you feel but I can empathize with you.

Every year I read this really cute childrens book to my class titled, A Mother For Choco.

It is about a mother bear who takes in all these stray animals who are looking for moms. To make a long story short, the moral of the story is that it does not matter whether you look like your mom or not. Your real mom is the one who feeds you, loves you, stays up at night with you, and is always there for you.

Unread 07-11-2004, 07:19 PM
Please help -- feeling hopeless

Dear Annie:

It sounds like you are experiencing some genuine feelings of loss, and I would suggest that you talk with others who have had similar situations and are on the other side of it now. This is a really good place for that, so maybe change your subject on the post to attract those who have experienced similar losses, have reached the other side, and can really offer some empathy and helpful ideas on a practical level. At the risk of sounding like I don't know what I'm talking about, I did want to offer one thing....Most of us here are now barren, or will be after these surgeries, and I think that some men would really find that attractive in a wife, that the birth-control concerns are all taken care of. Best wishes, and I hope that this just caught you on a down time, and that you are already feeling encouraged!~~~Sharon
Unread 07-21-2004, 05:21 PM
wish I could help you

You and I have much in common -- except that I had my kids before this nightmare began. I can only imagine how difficult this is for you.

You were just ahead of me in surgery and treatments -- we have the same cancer and the same spread....and they say it's rare! Annie, you were a big help to me through everything -- I kept focused on the fact that you were "surviving" and so I knew that I would too. You have no idea how that inspired me.

I wish that there is something that I could say that would make things better for you. The only thing that I do know is that you have to take one day at a time.

Allow yourself time to grieve -- this is a loss and a tremendous one at that....not only the loss of your health but the loss of your fertility, the loss of your innocence and the loss of an unknown future.

Annie, I don't know much medically but I think I remember you saying that you still have your ovaries. What are the chances of harvesting eggs still in the chance of having a surrogate someday -- I dont' know what kind of damage chemo & radiation do though? I'm not meaning to give false hope or anything, I'm just wondering if all of the options have been explored for you.

Aside from that, there are many ways to have children and although it may not be the way that you planned, that doesn't mean that it will be a less wonderful experience.

Be patient with yourself and with your body. Things will work out -- the good stuff is just around the corner.

Please PM me if you want to talk more.

Unread 07-21-2004, 08:46 PM
You're more than the sum of your body parts

I feel so bad for you. Hormone fluxuations really stink. If you are feeling self-destructive and depressed you need to she a psychiatrist immediately. If you are increasingly more depressed talk with your doctor to make sure it isn't your hormones before being put on antidepressants.

There is one important thing I'm sure of: you are definitely worth more than the sum of your body parts! There are very few people I know that would even consider sterility an issue and few would inquire or even think to. If a relationship dissolved because of your hysterectomy, the person probably wasn't what you needed anyway. Don't give up. I know its hard to give up dreams but maybe you were destined to follow a different path.

My prayers and blessings are with you.
Unread 07-22-2004, 12:22 AM
Please help -- feeling hopeless

Oh Annie,
I'm so sorry you are going through this. It is probably the hormone swing thing. Hang in there! There is always hope... even if you don't feel it or see it.
I am also single, with no kids, and I also felt 'seriously, who would ever desire someone diagnosed with cancer' and the painful reckoning that I won't have my 'own' children... I also struggled with feeling very alone. (Physically I am alone, being treated in a country where I have no friends. [Thailand])
I'm so sorry you are going through this.
I still don't 'know' that I will ever marry or have children, but I now know the possibility IS there. (for marriage, and adoption) The painful feelings have mostly passed. I know the feeling of being undesirable was... just that, a feeling and not truth. I now have joy, and hope for my future. I am at peace with myself... I hope this encourages you. I know you can get to that place too. Hang in there!!!

You are in my prayers.
Unread 07-22-2004, 10:06 PM
Please help -- feeling hopeless

Hi, Annie.

I was 37 when I was unexpectedly diagnosed with cancer, and I, too, lost my ability to have children rather suddenly. I feel blessed that I know so many people with kids of all ages because I can visit, play with them or babysit anytime I want. But I do know how you feel.

As for no one ever wanting you, I think you will find that lots of men don't want kids (or already have some and don't want more [now that they are divorced or whatever]) and are only too happy to not have that option.

To keep from being sad, I've adopted the following mantra:

"I'm every guy's dream girl, because I have no debt and I can't have kids."

That always tends to get a laugh out of people.


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