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Has anyone not told their husband, or mother... Has anyone not told their husband, or mother...

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Unread 08-06-2004, 01:47 AM
Has anyone not told their husband, or mother...

that they were undergoing tests for cancer, until the Drs decided what was going to happen?

Partner is heavily tied up in business at the moment so I havent told him I have a complex cyst and have had two ultrasounds and a Ca test (only 14). I have been playing the watch and wait game, and the cysts may have disappeared (but they didnt) and I didnt like to stress him out over nothing (he had cancer in his early twenties so we are all a little gyppy about Cancer, but do know that it can be cured!)

Havent told my mum because she does not cope at all with illness- she freaks and I certainly dont need that - it would suddenly become all about supporting her!

Except now I guess I do have to tell Hubby, as I want to have this thing removed. My mother - hmm, might tell her after the operation.

Or am I just in denial?
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Unread 08-06-2004, 02:36 AM
Has anyone not told their husband, or mother...

I understand your reluctance to tell loved ones about your diagnosis. My mom ended up in the ER with chest pain & palpitations on the day I told her- due to this stress- no cardiac cause. I wasn't supposed to know this, but my husband & I don't keep secrets. I know that my health ordeal has been hard on him too, but in our relationship, it would have been worse on him to have me keeping it to myself... He would have felt that I couldn't trust in him, somehow if I had not told him right off. Of course, I do have concern for his work/business, but when it comes right down to the wire, which is more important to you both as a couple?
Unread 08-06-2004, 06:50 AM
Has anyone not told their husband, or mother...

As far as my first diagnosis I told my dh the day that I went to see the gyn/onc the first time. I didn't tell him before mainly because I was afraid (of what I do not know). As with every pap that comes back abnormal I have not told him until I get closer to the appointment for the colposcopy. I try to avoid telling my mom, afraid that she feel sorry for me. ( I cant stand that pity in the eyes look that I get sometimes)
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Unread 08-06-2004, 12:13 PM
Has anyone not told their husband, or mother...

As I was reading your post, Aussie, the thought occurred to me, "How would I feel if my DH told be about something like this 'after the fact'?" Especially, since I've been down the road before? (For myself, I would not want to be on the "receiving end" of that message.

Work is important but it's not more important than your relationship.)

Another thing: We are super women but we are not SuperWoman, if you know what I mean.

Well, that's just my opinion...

Good luck to you, Aussieone. No matter what you decide to do, you're in my thoughts and prayers.
Unread 08-06-2004, 12:51 PM
Has anyone not told their husband, or mother...

Just my two cents, my boyfriend and I are not married, but I told him about my abnormal pap the day I received the news. We had only been dating a few months, and I got the call from the doctor that my pap had abnormal cells and this is usually attributed to HPV. I couldn't believe it! I was so shocked and ashamed, but yet I had to tell him. We have a very honest relationship and I tell him everything. I could never keep something like that, he would know right away. My advice is definitely to tell your husband what is going on with you. He will probably worry and be upset, but right now you are worried not only about you, but about this "elephant in the living room" which I am sure is always on your mind. You will feel better if you tell him what is going on, now.

As for the family, neither my sisters, my brother or my parents know. My best friend and boyfriend are the only ones. I think what is keeping me most from saying anything is the embarassment of the HPV. I just feel so gross about it. I have already had to have two procedures done to remove abnormal cells, and if it recurrs again I think I will have to start telling some members of my family. If some other surgery is involved I will want them to know. I know they will be upset, but now I am afraid people will be more upset that I haven't told them anything in the past six months about it, but I have been dealing with it with my boyfriend and best friend. I think my mom especially would be upset because i didn't go to her.

This is a tough situation you are in. Please choose your course of action carefully. Take care!

Unread 08-06-2004, 06:08 PM
Has anyone not told their husband, or mother...

Thankyou kind people for your thoughts. I kind of knew you would say that. Now i have to spend time explaining why I havent said anything, as well as the information I have. Maybe this weekend.

I should add he was travelling overseas when I first got the news last week, so that certainly added a layer of complexity.
Unread 08-06-2004, 08:28 PM
Has anyone not told their husband, or mother...

I didn't tell my family for the first week (April 12 - 19) because I didn't want them to worry needlessly. That was the worst week of this entire thing - thru surgery, thru 4 rounds of chemo.

They were great. I still struggle with telling friends and haven't yet called or e-mailed some dear but distant friends. When I finally do the hardest part of the conversation will be when they say, "This happened when?"
Unread 08-06-2004, 08:29 PM
Has anyone not told their husband, or mother...

I told my husband everything, as it happened. He went to all my appts. with me once cancer was even a possibility.

I told my mom before I had my cone biopsy, only because I was going under anesthesia, and if something went wrong, I wanted her to know what was going on. If it had been an outpatient thing, just an office procedure, I wouldn't have told her until the diganosis was definite.
Unread 08-07-2004, 11:59 AM

I told my boyfriend when i had my cancer diagnosed. In fact he was there when the specialist told me. Unfortunately i made the decision not to tell my mother and daughter for the following reasons. My father had died suddenly 8 weeks before my diagnosis and my daughter was midway between some very important university exams. Biggest mistake of my life. I thought i was doing the right thing by leaving it for 3 weeks till my daughter's uni exams were over but nobody appreciated what i did. In fact my daughter still hasnt got over it......1half years later! Please be honest about everything. You are doing nobody any favours by keeping it to yourself. The stress of keeping it to yourself will also make you ill.

take care
Unread 08-07-2004, 09:42 PM
You need to unburden yourself

Keeping this to yourself may seem like the kindest thing to do for your beloved. When in reality it may be that you just don't want to see his fear. Nobody wants to cause their sweetheart any worries, especially when they have a stressful career. But he will undoubtedly want to do the same for you. Give him that opportunity to be your pillar of strength, trust him to do what is necessary to fulfill his commitment to you. He will be under added stress of course. But it may cause more stress to the relationship to not share your problem. You could end up resentful (unconsciously) of going it alone and it could really backfire in the end.

Talk to him and let us all know how it goes. We will be praying for you and him to find the strength to support each other through this.

As for you mother, I have one just like yours it seems. I'm unsure what I'm dealing with but foolishly told her from the get go there was something growing in my cervix. It's been a month and a half and I still don't know for sure what it is. But when I called her last week to tell her the Gyn thought it was simply a fibroid and I shouldn't worry but still am to the point of needing Xanax to sleep, she said "I know, I've been back on them again since you first called with the ultra sound news. I'm just a *wreck*!" Oh do I regret telling her anything! She didn't even call my siblings to tell them that news. But she burned the telephone wire to tell them there "might" be something wrong with me. See I know her so well, if she told them it may just be a fibroid they wouldn't sympathize with her nerves from the horror I'm putting her through. No exageration, she is that way. She turns everything into "how does it effect me?". Not ever a rock to lean on. Hindsight......I know better but wanting my mom to be there "for me!". But I should have known. Should have known! Thank God I have my fiance to be my rock! He is wonderful with this, as usual.

Please let us know how things go with your hubby. I'll be thinking of you and keeping you in my prayers.


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