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Am I being selfish?!? Am I being selfish?!?

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Unread 09-03-2004, 09:29 AM
Am I being selfish?!?

11 days ago I found out that I needed to have my uterus, cervix, ovaries and tubes removed--soon. Surgery is on this coming Tuesday. The day after Labor Day, how ironic. Not much time to come to terms with it all, but this website has saved my sanity! Thanks to all of you who are sharing your wisdom and advice.

Now I'm faced with a different sort of problem. My husband. *sigh* Let me say first that I have no expectation of emotional support and only marginal practical support (based on his behavior after my C-section when our son was born (17 years ago--yikes!). He's been grumping about how much time I spend on the computer, despite my explanation that I need information and support and I need it yesterday. He derided my setting up a recovery room in a room that had been too messy to be called a guest room for a very long time. He complained when I bought books from the Hyster Sister Store. He rolled his eyes when I brought my laptop home from work to use as a CD/DVD player in my room until I can do stairs to get to the den. I haven't shown him my long handled, pistol-grip grabber, yet!

Maybe it's because I've been through this before that he thinks it's no big deal. Maybe it's because he's never faced major illness or surgery of any kind in his life. Maybe he doesn't think it's a problem because it's not happening to him. His main concern seems to be how much this will affect *him*. He continues to challenge my decisions and that's what prompts this message...

There is a large picnic on Sunday which we have attended each year with our church family. It will be a day spent in close quarters with the usual bunch of touchy-feely-kissy-facey folkes I have come to love over the years, eating food that has been sitting out in the elements all day. My instincts tell me that I should pass on the event this year to avoid any possibility of illness from any source. I do not want to risk a postponement of the operation. Too much effort by everyone involved has made to risk losing it all over a bad deviled egg or someone with a cold!

Be honest girls, am I being ridiculous or paranoid here? And what would be the point of showing up to 'put in an appearance' when my goal is to avoid contact at all, as he has suggested?

I am so overwhelmed by all the arrangements that still need to be made for work and home that my brain just can't handle this other stuff. All I'm trying to do is take care of myself and stay positive so I can get through this process in the best shape possible and return to the life I love. How selfish is that? What else could I be doing that's better?

Lizz(not so)ok
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Unread 09-03-2004, 09:35 AM
Am I being selfish?!?

Sweet sister Lizz,

I think that you trying to take care of yourself and remain positive so you can be at your best for this surgery is go know whats best for you. Take care and big hugs!

Unread 09-03-2004, 09:37 AM
Am I being selfish?!?

Your not selfish .Do what you feel is best for you! hubby will just have to fall in line..........Mines much the same.........But I came through like a champ......So do what you feel you will be comfortable doing............

Good luck and best wishes
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Unread 09-03-2004, 09:39 AM
Stay Home!

If you have any hesitation about the picnic, don't go. You should be doing whatever LOWERS your anxiety before this surgery. I too backed out of a picnic for my son's new shool. It was scheduled the night before my surgery. I didn't realize that I didn't want to go until we were supposed to leave. I announced that this was too much for me and everyone understod. It is really important that you find the best spiritual/ psychological/emotional space for yourself before the surgery. I think it will help tremendously afterwards. Please do everything you can to make yourself comfortable. That is not selfish - it is self-full.

Good luck!
Unread 09-03-2004, 09:49 AM
Am I being selfish?!?

Do what feels right for you!!!!!!!!!!!! For me I would have went. I'm not a big worrier over catching things from people or food setting out too long. That's just me!! But if I had spent too much time at home during my last few days I would have needed to be in a psych ward before they could do surgery. I spent the last week before surgery "on the go" I went everywhere I could think of to go. DH on the other hand is the exact opposite kind of person and just wanted to stay home. I sat down with him one night and tried to explain that being on the move was my coping mechanism. He still didn't like it but understood what I was doing. Therefore my suggestion is do whatever makes you the most comfortable and will ease your nerves.
Unread 09-03-2004, 09:55 AM
Heavens no!

No, not at all! You have to do what YOU need to in order to prepare your recovery place and to get ready for it all emotionally. Like a previous comment, he will have to fall in line with it once you get home.

My SO's been somewhat supportive, but not exactly in the way I would want sometimes. I don't think they know quite what to say or do right now. I'm not sure just what I need myself-I'm an emotional mess at times.

I'm on the same day as you and I have to tell you that all the stuff I was going to do to get ready has sort of fallen by the wayside here. I think it's just too overwhelming, especially with short notice like you and I both had. I am going to shampoo my carpets tomorrow, shop for a nice robe and slippers, and do some laundry. Other than that, I've got my little convalescent room set up too!

I'm also by-passing a cook-out and family get together on Sunday for the same reasons you state and because I just don't want to be around people right now. I've decided to just roll with what I need and just tell my SO and friends what that is. They are being pretty good about accepting it...

You just do what you need to do and don't feel guilty about any of it...this is a very stressful thing and you need extra TLC right now! It's ok!

Hang in there....

Unread 09-03-2004, 03:26 PM
Am I being selfish?!?


Oh, do I ever know where you're coming from. My dh also rolls his eyes when I buy ANOTHER book or whatever. My "crown jewel" crown from Hyster Sisters arrived and he just shook his head. I love the guy, but I get the feeling he's humoring me.

I also know, however, that he's a little anxious about the post-surgery life around our house. He doesn't work (I'm our only breadwinner) so he knows he's got to be around for me. Luckily, and at his suggestion, my dd (16) from my first marriage will be staying with us for a month or so. She's a good cook, which means we'll eat something other than Subway and pizza.

Are you being selfish? C'mon, did you REALLY think the "sisterhood" would think you are being selfish??? Of course you aren't. Everything I've heard is that the recovery is different for everyone, but that often it is HARDER than for a c-section (and I have had 2). Something about more internal stitches due to the organs being removed.

I completely agree with your trepidation about the church picnic, too. All you need is a good case of food poisoning from the choir director's potato salad!! Stay home and rest. You have earned it.

As for your dh, I believe he'll come around and be a champ for you. I don't know what your personality type is, but I've found that I get better response when I'm calm and quiet -- that's when my hubby knows I'm serious. I would just show him the incision and say, "Hon, I just can't. You need to help me, and I don't know how else to say it. Please." And if that doesn't work, call your most supportive family member or friend and have them talk to him.....good luck.
Unread 09-03-2004, 04:04 PM
Am I being selfish?!?

Hi Lizz-
First let me say you are NOT being selfish or paranoid! My surgery was Mon. and currently, my husband, is gone to friends' house to drink and play cards. MEN! And I am here with the kids. Small kids.

I understand your fears of getting sick and having the surgery postponed. I had chest congestion and draining sinuses when I went in Mon. That made me even more nervous about the anasthesia. But all was fine. The dr. said as long as I didn't have a fever 101 or higher, everything would be ok.

And believe me, worrying will make you sick. I know it's hard not to worry, but you will feel unbelievably good after the surgery is done! And your husband will either rise to the occassion or not.

I know that doesn't help much, but we can't change people or make them act like we want. Unfortunately. He probably doesn't know how to show or deal with what he is feeling. You know most men can't say what they're really feeling in detail.

Do some things that you enjoy and that make you feel good. Talk or write letters to friends and family. Write to yourself about how you feel, then read it when you're recovering and compare how you feel. In short, relax!

You will be fine and your surgery and recovery will be a piece of cake! We're all here if you need to talk.

Unread 09-03-2004, 04:24 PM
Am I being selfish?!?

I have to agree with everyone else. You have to do what you are comfortable with. You are under enough stress with out going to an event and wondering if everything you touch is going to cause you to become to sick to have surgery. And I do understand about dh taking it so lightly. I don't think it has quite hit my husband what this means. Either that or he knows how much stress I am under and he doesn't want to add his stress to everything else I am dealing with. I want him to ask me questions about what is going to happen. Instead its like this is just another surgery. But this isn't like my laser ablation and it certainly isn't like the d&c that I had. I have been thru other surgeries not female related. Such as ghall bladder removed and 3 ankle surgeries and my appendix removed and tubes tied. I think this is more serious than all of those. They were all pretty bad but not as life altering. But after this I will have gotten rid of every expendable part. lol. Well I get to keep ovaries. But still everything else that I have internally I need. My dr told me he didn't know of many 24 yr olds that have indured what I have. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger and that includes irritating spouses. okay I have rambled on enough... Hope he snaps in line before you have to smack him in line.
Unread 09-03-2004, 05:47 PM
Am I being selfish?!?

They say that a healthy, well rested sister recovers best, and only *you* know what feels right for you. It is not being selfish to give yourself the best chance for an easy-ish recovery. You have some serious surgery coming up, girlfriend! Ignore the snide remarks from your DH as best you can and listen to us sisters who are expecting you take care of yourself.

I know it's really challenging w/o his support, but it is your health that matters most.


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