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In desperate need of emotional support In desperate need of emotional support

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Unread 10-05-2004, 06:48 AM
In desperate need of emotional support

Hi ladies. I will become a princess on 10/12. My preop is 10/7. At the moment, I feel no where near royalty. Everything that can go wrong IS going wrong. My son is struggling with a very important class at school (Advanced Placement class, the whole class has a D average).Wont that help him get into college. His soccer coach is being a complete jerk. My DD is stressing over an honors course that is killing her, my Dh has LOST HIS MIND.

I can deal with everything but the last one. We have been happily married for 19 yrs UNTIL THIS WEEKEND. We had an argument, he lost his temper and it got ugly (no he didnt hit me, he is still breathing so that is the proof, i would have shot him) But now, on top of telling me that since my surgery is an LAVH so it isnt a REAL HYSTERECTOMY, he is now threatening to leave. I need more stress. I love him and i think he loves us but if we were gonna have this discussion, couldnt he have waited until AFTER i find out if i have cancer? He is currently out of town on business ......... again but will be home tomorrow night. I dont even want to talk to him when he calls everyday. I think he regrets his actions but he hasnt come right out and said so.

I really didnt have a question for anyone, I just need someone to talk to that will understand. I am nervous about this surgery and the thought of my marriage falling apart is tearing me up. I just dont know what to do. I thought about cancelling the surgery and my Mom hit the roof. I guess it would be best to get it over with because someone has to raise my kids and heaven knows he has never done it.
Oh well, sorry this is so depressing, I just needed to vent for a moment.
Good luck to all of the soon to be princesses.

PS I plan to tell my Dr to talk to hubby about this surgery and to SCARE HIM TO DEATH lol,,,,,,,, yes, i know that is mean but I dont feel really nice towards him at this moment.

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Unread 10-05-2004, 06:57 AM
In desperate need of emotional support

Hi Missy,

. I'm sorry for all you're going through right now. I remember right before my surgery it seemed like my whole world was falling apart. But you know what? That was 2 1/2 years ago, and life is so much better now!

I think sometimes our significant others may be scared, and they just don't know how to cope with our surgeries and the (very slight) possibility of something happening to us. So they try to minimize what we're going through in order to make it a small enough package for them to handle. This often comes across as insensitive or callous, when they're really just trying to deal with something that's too big for them to deal with.

Give hubby another chance. I'm sure he loves you and that he's very worried about you. He just doesn't know how to express it. In his mind, you're going through something that he can't really share in, and the thought of losing you or something happening to you is just more than he can handle. That's why he tried to minimize it. It makes it easier to face if it isn't so scary.

If possible, have him go to your Pre-Op appointment with you. Also refer him to the Mr. Hystersisters site at this link: Mr. Hystersisters

And just realize, this is a stressful time for both of you. But this too shall pass and life will go on and it will be better!


Unread 10-05-2004, 07:12 AM
In desperate need of emotional support

Hi, Please dont feel too bad, men have a great way of making you feel guilty, or whatever they want you to feel. I dont think they can bear their wives/partners etc.. to be more ill than them. I put it down to having their mothers do everything for them, then they get married and we take over. We are the stronger sex, dont forget that, can you imagine a man going through what half the women on here go through? chance!.or childbirth?! Even though I love my hubby to bits if we have an argument I always feel like I have caused all the problems! If anyone has it different I dont mean to offend you or your partners, but I think this is the way it is for a lot of women. It might be a good idea for you Doc to explain to your husband about your op, he might then understand, to be honest he probably said what he did in anger and didn't mean any of it, he will be stressed out too, worrying about you and how he is going to cope. I hope this has helped a little bit. Dont forget keep your chin up and good luck with everything xxx
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Unread 10-05-2004, 07:45 AM
In desperate need of emotional support

Thanks ladies, I did have him read Mr Hyster. I have even printed stuff off the computer, gotten books from the library (marked the pages for him) and still He says this. The ""this is not a hysterectomy" remark was 2 days BEFORE THE FIGHT. I know it will get better,, heaven knows it cant get much worse. Thanks for the hugs, I need them right now.

I do not want him at my pre op appt. The Dr will talk to him at the hospital. That is when I want her to chew his little rear end out LOL. I need a tiny bit of payback in here somewhere ladies.

Unread 10-05-2004, 07:50 AM
In desperate need of emotional support

Hi stgiles 16! We are neighbors, for I am in NC, near Charlotte. What part of SC do you live in? I had a similar experience to you, except my husband was wonderful! My oldest son, also in honors classes, is making D's. (He's a sophmore) and my 6th grader totally freaked out on me! He's the calm one. Two days before my surgery he just kept raising his voice at me and slamming down his books. My oldest son wanted me to drive him all over creation. I finally screamed at them all, "Does anybody care that I am having surgery in 2 days?" I think I finally got their attention. To them, it was like I was going to have a tooth pulled or something. Even a vaginal hysterectomy is MAJOR SURGERY! We had to sit down and have a family talk. Everyone was nervous but no one wanted to admit it. I was the first to speak, then everyone else felt better to say what they were feeling. I think that we women are the rock that holds everything together. Please do not cancel your surgery! You need to do this for you! Plus, I have found that after about 7-10 days I have been able to help with homework, be here when my children get home and fix an early dinner. I wish I could be a stay home mom for ever! I will be praying for you and your family. Make sure you get on the post op board and let us know how it goes.
Unread 10-05-2004, 08:18 AM
In desperate need of emotional support

Hi Beachluvr, I am in upstate SC. About 1 1/2 hrs away from you. My DS is making good grades in all but this one class (no one is making good grades in this woman's class) She is a first year teacher and it shows. DD is doing better. They are used to me having surgery and are very helpful. I have talked to them and they understand that they will have to lift and move EVERYTHING for a little while. It helps that DS now drives.

I have been a stay at home mom for 3 yrs. I was in an accident that has required 6 surgeries so far. I am not able to work at this time. That is a major worry with DH threatening to leave. HOW CAN I SUPPORT US? Social Security does not consider me disabled even though my activity including sitting is very limited. I do not have ANY income. I am a very independent person and handle everything at home so that is not my worry. I even put his paycheck in the bank for him. I love him but am currently mad enough to help him pack but HOW CAN I SUPPORT US?

We will make it thru this. I dont really think that he will leave. I dont think that he will just throw away 19 yrs of marriage. I may be wrong but I have to hope.

thanks for all the good wishes.

this time next week I will be in the castle.

Unread 10-05-2004, 08:44 AM
In desperate need of emotional support

Hugs Missy,
I too know what you are going through. My hubby CANT STAND my being sick. Before the surgery he was just plain in denial. (nothing is going on) Now that I am two weeks on the other side, he hates me not getting up and keeps dropping little hints, like this needs to be found, that needs to be moved, I told you before the surgery!! Yeah right.... Yet, when i need him to look at my incision, move my pillows, etc, he is there. He has not left my side since the surgery until yesterday and then he called every bloody hour!! Good grief, how can I sleep with the phone ringing. He is nasty and argumentative right now, but it is the little things that tell me he still loves me. You need to look after MISSY, the rest of the family can cope without you for the few hospital days, and once you get home, they will have to do the things you cannot. Plain and simple.

By minimizing your surgery, it is easier to deal with the thought of a loved one going through surgery. If it isnt a REAL hyst, nothing bad will happen on the operating table, and that will go through his head!! They just dont get it. When my son had his tonsillectomy, I was sure he wasnt gonna make it!! He came through better than I did!! rofl

Hugs and take care of yourself....

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