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Anyone else dealing with a Hateful teenage daughter? Anyone else dealing with a Hateful teenage daughter?

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Unread 11-18-2004, 11:42 AM
Anyone else dealing with a Hateful teenage daughter?

I know I am replying late to this post but....
I NEVER remember getting away with some of the things my 18 dd does. Granted, my parents ruled with fear- and I said I would never do that- but sometimes we (dd and I )butt heads on the dumbest things.... like unloading the dishwasher. If it isn't an answer she wants to hear, I can expect an argument. I try so hard to stand my ground.... sometimes to no avail. :hair:

How do I let her know that if she lives in my house, she lives by my rules?? Now, I do not think I am unreasonable... she is a member of the home, not a guest to be waited on and cleaned up after.....
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Unread 11-18-2004, 12:46 PM
Anyone else dealing with a Hateful teenage daughter?


I have taken a new tatic with my daughter, and so far it is working.

Here goes:

You want to be treated like a teenager, not like a five year old. Then start acting like one. If you don't want to do your share around here to help with us as a family... then you are acting like a selfish five year old, and will treated as such. Five year olds don't have phones, especially cell phones. Five year olds don't get compact discs of their favorite music. Five year olds don't ... well, you get the picture.

When she did not do her share of the laundry; I went to her room and got her phone! She was LIVID!!! I again told her, when you start acting with some responsibility around here, you will get the priviledges that go with the maturity.

Hope this helps some. It is difficult, but it is working so far.

Oh yea... and when she wants to argue... I just put up my hand and say..."this is not open for discussion."..."I will not argue with you.:" And I leave the room.

Unread 11-19-2004, 05:42 PM
Anyone else dealing with a Hateful teenage daughter?

I do agree that our teen-agers need to help with household chores and live in such a way that the rest of the family is not uncomfortable. At the same time, you have to face the fact that they might not want to live by your rules, then what do you do? Would you accept the fact that they may move out?

This happened to me and my 19 year old when she was 17. Instead of being willing to follow the rules set by my husband (her step) and I, she moved out to live with my ex who has a totally different lifestyle than us. She dropped out of high school and six months later eloped and moved across the coast. The marriage lasted three weeks and she moved back. Things are better and she realizes that she was wrong. She got her GED, is working part-time and is going to Tech. It could have been a lot worse. Having a support group (this web site is great).

It could have been alot least she did not get pregnant, get involved with drugs or abuse alcohol, but that time sure gave me lots of gray hairs....

My youngest just turned 13...I am holding my breath. She gets moody, but works very hard in school and has some great girl-friends. I am trying to adjust to her changing moods probably wants to 'pull' away from me to exert her independence, yet at the same time resents me because she 'needs' me.

I need to renew my social life with my girl-friends and 'detach' a little from my daughter.

Anyway, parenting does not come with an instruction booklet.

SCSusan VH june 28, 2004
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Unread 10-05-2010, 10:49 PM
Re: Anyone else dealing with a Hateful teenage daughter?

I know that I am responding to an old thread but it is the only one I could find that spoke of my issues. My 14 year old was helpful and comforting when I was going through recovery, my son kept a distance from me and only visited me in the hospital occasionally. I had a very difficult recovery because of many complications and leaks but my daughter hung in there- reading to me when I could not focus.
Then 10 months later, when I was starting to get my life back together and a part time job landed in my lap I was still emotionally fragile despite my brave front (and the help from my meds). It seemed that within one week, my husband and two kids started ganging up on me and picking on me about small innocuous things like "your five minutes late from my practice" or when I reminded the kids to do their chores, they would always back talk me and say I never do anything around the house so why should they. I am lucky that I work at home on my computer so that I can pick up what the family has thrown around,washed the dishes, and dusted.
I've had three episodes where all three have literally gotten in my face and verbally attacked me when I never raised my voice. They demanded that I pack for our trip that night and do my work the next morning. I said that I would prefer it the other way and not to worry since i've had so much practice packing over the years. They were furious at me and all of them- even my husband and mother-in-law" told me that I shouldn't be so difficult.
I think they are finally reacting to my Cancer even though it was ten months ago and in some twisted way, they are taking it out on me. I am a nervous wreck and whenever someone comes home I start to get a sick feeling in my stomach knowing that there will be controversy. I never raise my voice and I've always been a strong and involved parent but without my husbands backing, my kids give me
no respect and do what they want to. My husband has told me twice that he only backs me up if he disagrees with the children. He is in a best friend phase with them and the house has only been vacuumed once (it's my sons chore) but my husband won't push him. We used to have such a good family and now they have separated themselves from me. I feel like an outsider. My mother-in-law who is a minister said that I should try to help them get through their recovery from my cancer. How can I do that when I am still trying to recover myself. I am seeing a family therapist with just me first. I am thinking of going to spend two weeks with my sister to get myself emotionally stable inside, maybe they will appreciate me when they have no slave to clean up after them. Thanks for letting me share my pain.
Unread 11-07-2010, 01:45 AM
Re: Anyone else dealing with a Hateful teenage daughter?

I am serving my 18 year old with a 30 day notice to vacate- I have been so ill and I won't ever be able to have sex again I haven't even taken a crap on I think 15 days and my siblings shunned me when I was a teenager and I have never had any help and I can honestly say my health, my ruined pelvis, financial problems, depression, and my daughters entitlement and disrespect will permit me to turn her out and never look back. my karma is bad and I accept my misery but I can be regretful I don't need to have it served to me every day. I hate being a parent and I give up I hope she doesn't break anything else when I kick her to the curb.
Unread 11-07-2010, 08:01 PM
Re: Anyone else dealing with a Hateful teenage daughter?

I feel your pain. I am feeling miserable tonight for the nth time because my kids are disrespectful and won't listen to me. My 17 year old boy just had a tantrum today about something innocuous and threw everything around the kitchen until it looked like a tornado hit. Thank God nothing broke! My husband just stood there. How sad! I can't wait until he leaves for college and stops running our household- unfortunately I have 10 months to go.

As much misery as our kids are putting us through, YOU especially need to go to Gilda's Club or someplace for a support group NOW! There are wonderful people out there that can relate to your pain and will go out of their way to help you. Please don't leave yourself alone. Call your doctor and confide in them. Tell them you are too sick to find a place and tell them you need help immediately . You poor thing! You need a hug but unfortunately I cannot give you one. Please get help, there are people out there who care.
Unread 11-13-2010, 09:32 AM
Re: Anyone else dealing with a Hateful teenage daughter?

I have two kids- J. who is 19 and R. who is 11. When I went for my op, they were both willing to help when I came out, to come and see me while I was in hospital, etc...R. was there every day, J. came only once for 5 mins, and when the hospital internet wasn't powerful enough for him to play on his laptop, he went home. That was it.

I am now 8 months post op and still feel tired-I am also peri-menopausal now, as my ovaries are thinking of shutting own- Rina will co-operate to some degree, but I have to push j. all the way.Noether will help out in the house unless I tell them, although the younger one does sometimes come and help me of her own volition..I have no help from my husband, as he says he works two jobs and can't do mine as well-the only help UI want from him is to get the kids to help me a little- more-I work full- time and shifts to boot, and can't keep up alone...I don't want him to do the housework for me, just to get the others to help me get it done...If I say anything or ask for help I get yelled at and called inadequate...In short, I get the blame for everything. I get very hurt by all their attitudes, but can do nothing about it as I really don't want to leave home-I love them a very great deal, but sometimes I feel so alone...I try to support them all and wind up getting hurt myself.

R. is only 11, I hope she will be as she is now when she hits 14...she is my sole supporter on these matters and my sole solace when these things happen. I know that DH is working hard, but I can't support them all alone...I try my best, but sometimes that is not nearly enough.

I hope things work out for you and that all goes well for you and your daughter. Just know that you are not alone in this.
Big hugs,
Unread 03-02-2011, 07:53 AM
Re: Anyone else dealing with a Hateful teenage daughter?

Sorry to hear you are having so many problems. I am married with 3 children ds9, dd12 and ds15 and they refused to do anything for me the eldest stating it was my fault I have had an operation so its my fault I am unable to do heavy lifting, vacumming, family shop etc. Since christmas we have managed to get the older two to cook tea one night a week and they do make the odd pot of tea but only when specifically asked but other than that they do nothing to help.

I do sympathise as my friends 16 year old dd refuses to do anything to help around the house as she says her mother is the parent and it is therefore her job to do all the housework and on top of that she is going through a really hateful stage and accusing her mum of trying to ruin her life, split her up from her boyfriend, throw her out - you name it that girl is doing it. My friend is at her wits end and doesnt know what to do for the best. She is a single parent and the teenager is extremely resentful to the younger half sister and the fact she has to share a room, to the point where she will do anything to get the younger girl out of what she says should be "her" room.
Unread 03-02-2011, 10:23 AM
Re: Anyone else dealing with a Hateful teenage daughter?

I live alone, but I remember that age in my own life--puberty is the dark age of youth I think, with issues life issues such as new body, self-image peer pressure, and being bigger but not really understanding adult issues at all. Nobody--teens especially--can fathom what you are going through unless they themselves have gone through it. I now have a better understanding of what my own mom went through over 50 years ago when she told me "They took everything out" in a stunned voice and then went out to say "Some people thought I did this because I did not want any more children."

My adult children were very sympathetic but still did not understand completely. My son accompanied my to the hospital and I stayed with him and his wife for a little over a week till I got cleared by the doctor. I sent over a big box of foodstuff and all the perishables from the fridge and made a gallon of soup. We had the soup when I got there, and then they made some more soup. After that we progressed to grilled cheese sandwiches and pizza, and by the weekend they had hardly any food in the house and were surprised when the local grocery was out of take-out dinners--apparently during the week they do mostly take-out or eat out and did not compute me in. Like many young people, they don't keep a well-stocked larder I guess--having lived though a couple of natural disasters I have always kept my pantry stash at all times.

On Saturday they slept in so that by noon I was so hungry that I navigated the stairs from the upstairs bedroom and found yesterday's coffee and half a leftover sub in the fridge. I went back to bed and sobbed to myself, not wanting to be a burden on them. They have demanding careers and no children, and apparently are not used to being caretakers. I think that my younger single daughter would have been a bit more diligent, but she is far away--and even she had no real notion of what I was experiencing, though both of my children are basically good and kind. It was a relief to be back in my own home (one floor) and be able to take care of myself. Maybe I could have been more assertive, but I did not want to be demanding and I think that although they meant well they were really clueless.

This has served to make me wonder what it would be like not to be able to take care myself when I am elderly and it gave me pause. I have renewed respect for the two nearly ninety-year old single women who lived across the street from me until last year--one was childless and the other's children lived out of town.
Unread 05-13-2011, 11:07 AM
Angry - Anyone else dealing with a Hateful teenage daughter? Re: Anyone else dealing with a Hateful teenage daughter?

Holy Moly!! Reading some of this has me flabbergasted!

My DD is 16 going on 2, and I have been having a few issues...but none to the degree I see of some others.

Mine is similar in that she is completely and utterly self absorbed, selfish, lazy, inconsiderate and unappreciative of all the has available to her. I am way over it. On Mother's Day I got a TEXT from her - and we live in the same house. Then no offer of an extra help getting the weekly chores done etc. She does the bare minimum to keep me off her *** but that is about it (always.) We've been in the middle of driving lessons the last few months. If she doesn't like something I get the silent treatment (because if she ever yelled, cussed or argued with me I would have a cow...and that just isn't a pretty thing ) of course unless she wants something... like money... or to go out with her friends etc.

So I have decided after Mother's Day to give her exactly what she gives me. "The Bare Minimum." Give her a piece of her own medicine. If she is old enough to drive and "do her own thing" she is old enough to understand her choices... and being a teenager is NOT a free card to act like an *** and treat the people that love her, provide for her and treat HER with respect, like crap. So no to money, no to going out, no renting movies, no no no no. No more driving lessons until your attitude straightens out and you show me some respect (she is scheduled to get her license when she gets back from China). I put restrictions on her phone, and if she messes with me I will zap that too!!

(I have to back up quickly... about a month ago we had a "falling out" over some boy she wanted to date - I said no way because this idiot posted on his Facebook about drugs and alcohol and disrespecting HIS parents online for the whole world to read and I said heck no!! DUH! So she wrote me this really long letter, 2 of them actually, and asked if she could be adopted by her best friends dad - who lets the best friend have a boyfriend at the house when the dad is NOT at home, which would never ever happen in my house even if I ADORED her boyfriend... but wanted me to let her KEEP the CELL phone, the allowance and the TRUCK I just bought her oh and if I wouldn't mind keeping up with the driving lessons that would be good too... WHAT?!?! After the second letter I said my piece about her spoiled brat ways and told her she needs to apologize for both of the letters that were full of erroneous information and loads of BS!)

I am so over it. She is a spoiled rotten brat and I made her that way apparently!! She is my honor student (for the record I have 2 other kids, DD 21 and DS 17 (18 in a few weeks) who have never been this disrespectful and unappreciative.. although my son gave me hell of a different nature with drug and alcohol addiction but that chapter is over thankfully and he is doing well and is a whole other story!!) so she has been given plenty of earned privileges...but the last few months I am over it. Doing well in school is not enough. Doing the bare minimum at home is not enough. Having a bad attitude is unacceptable!! ARGGH!!!

I've been a single parent for most of the kids lives - their dad and I separated when my oldest was 7. My DS lived with him for about 1-1/2 years when he turned 14 (we thought he may need more male influence in his daily life living with 3 girls most of his life.... wrong!!) and that was a mistake...that's where the drugs and alcohol abuse began and when the ex kicked him out and sent DS home "damaged" the ex moved to China to work. Left me to deal with the ramifications and deal with all the treatment etc. I did it like I always do.

Anyway, DD16 went to China last summer to visit and is going again this summer. I scheduled my surgery for a week after she is gone so I don't have to deal with her ridiculous teenage attitude while I am trying to recover.

I have to say I am so angry with her right now. No apologies about anything... I have busted my be-hind off over the years providing for these kids. Sometimes having to work 2 jobs. My oldest DD said youngest DD won't get it until she is out of the house on her own... but I will be darned if I am going to keep providing the "good life" (I am not rich BTW but we aren't "poor" either, ya know what I mean) and keep getting nothing in return. My oldest DD never had the teenage attitude (TY Lord)... my son had no privileges because of his behavior... he started out with them but I am not nice- you don't pull your weight then you don't get the benefits and surely no extras (the weird thing is he STILL had no attitude, which was crazy being he was an addict.)

This younger DD was doing alright (she has always been the moodiest of the 3... the older 2 are go with the flow kinda people... this one not so much) with her attitude until this last year. I refuse to tolerate it and chuck it up to teenagers!!

OK, sorry I really needed to vent bad, obviously, because being so upset with this kid is affecting everything!! It's just not right. But we all know life is unfair.... still. I am sorry for the broken story that jumps around...

Come on June!

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