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My husband just doesn't get it! My husband just doesn't get it!

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Unread 11-02-2004, 01:13 PM
My husband just doesn't get it!

It just amazes me that when they have a hang nail the world is coming to an end. I think because we just keep going they really have no clue! Mine is hounding me to go see the new grandbaby at Thanksgiving. I can hardly make it through work and cooking dinner before I am done in. How does he think I can fly to VA for a weekend!?!

Lady Suz
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Unread 11-02-2004, 03:44 PM
My husband just doesn't get it!

well thats man for you, give him time he'll come around, if not now, than once your home, and see's how things really are.
Hang in there, it'll just get better
Unread 11-02-2004, 06:01 PM
My husband just doesn't get it!

I was thinking that our DHs probably have a lot of fears of their own and just don't know how to spit them out. Mine thinks he can't say anything that's right because I'm grumpy about everything right now...or crying...or completely down in the mouth. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt, but now I'm struggling a little with the fact that the very night I come home from the castle, he's going on an overnight trip with his Campus Life group (He's a Campus Life Staff person) AND my DD is going away for the weekend with my sister. My son is away at college. So I have a friend who is coming to stay overnight and another who is coming to be with me at least for awhile in the evening. I had a D&C and endometrial ablation a year ago to try to stave off this surgery and he was gone with Youth for Christ then, too. Hard to take the mixed message of doting now, but not being here when I get home. He will also be attending a banquet the night of my surgery, but I'll be in the care of the king at that point. Just striking me weird right now, but then what isn't right now. It's not that I don't want them to get on with their own lives, but just hurts a little. I think our families just might not know what to do with us by the time this rolls around in our lives. I think we have gotten so used to pain that they think this will be no different or something. I don't answers...just an "I understand the frustration" vote.
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Unread 11-02-2004, 06:45 PM
My husband just doesn't get it!

Lady Suz - The thing that struck me about your post is that your surgery is 11/13/04 and Thanksgiving is less than 2 weeks after that. I don't know what kind of surgery you're having but I'm pretty sure that your doctor will not allow you such a trip so soon after surgery. Mine would not let me go 60 miles with my husband to take my sister to the airport. When I asked him, the response was, "Absolutely not! It's much too soon after surgery and there would be too many stops and starts and who knows how many bumps in the road."

Even if you were to fly, think of the stress on your tummy! Ugh! Maybe you should get your doctor involved in this one - have him tell your husband how crazy this notion is. The grandbaby will wait until you get back on your feet.

Remember, you only get one chance to heal & recouperate so make the best of it! Take care!
Unread 11-02-2004, 07:20 PM
I am there with you!!!

Hello sweety. My husband is the same way. Sis you need to step back and look at whats important YOU. Your going to have plenty of time to see everyone-later- then youll be healthy and able to pick up the baby, instead of watching everyone else. If you went you will feel aweful. God can only do so much, you need to do your part (resting). My husband said to me "why are you crying? You got what you wanted!" (what I needed, hello dear)LOL, I hope you feel better soon and he understands your pain soon. You deserve it.
Unread 11-04-2004, 05:13 PM
Oblivious Husbands

I have experienced the same attitude with my husband. He successfully avoided being at the hospital for my first D/C (June) and nearly succeeded in avoiding the second one (Sept). In September he promised me he would be home by noon to take me to the hospital. At noon he called and said he was delayed, but would try to make it before surgery. I was quite upset, having to drive myself AGAIN to OP Surgery and having to explain that he was on his way to each person who asked. Thank goodness he made it 10 minutes before they took me in. He did have a chance to meet my doctor and listen to what he had to say regarding the D/C and post-op instructions...especially the part about seriously considering a hysterectomy!

My biggest concern about having the hysterectomy is that my DH will "run and hide" from the whole thing! I realize he has his own fears, but I think sometimes he just doesn't want his routine upset...I have always handled things in the past...what will he do if I am out of commission for a while?

I finally got up the nerve to tell him striaght out how I was feeling and told him that if I choose to do this, I need his complete support. I need to know that he will be at the hospital during surgery and that his is the first face I want to see when I am out of recovery. I told him that I would need lots of help for the first week, that he will have to take some days off to help me. I reminded him that when our daughters were born, he had promised to take a week off with each and only took off one afternoon with each...he even went to work the day our first daughter was born (she was born in AM< he was at work by noon!). I told him that if he broke his promise or found excuses to not help, that it would take a long time to mend my feelings...I told him it makes me feel insignificant to him when he does these things. His response was that of course he will be there, of course he will help me...I guess we will see.

Sometimes we are so strong as women, taking care of everyone else and everything that our husbands forget that we have times of need and comfort, too. It doesn't mean they love us any less, it just means that we have to remind them of what we need. I have never liked asking for help, but I know that I won't be able to get through this alone and he VOWED before GOD and everyone...."in sickness and in health" and I'm holding him to it!(As far as I know, there is no Statute of Limitations on those vows!)

In his defense, I must add that since our talk, he has taken an interest in discussing hysterectomy options, pros and cons and has been asking if I need help with tasks around the house. I think all the blood really scared him and we have both been gratefull for the relief from the last D/C. It has given me the time I need to calmly research and consider my options and this site has been a fabulous resource!

If you are feeling last on your SO/DH's list of priorities, or you are skeptical of the help they will give you post-op, have a talk. Lay it all on the line....maybe they are listening afterall! (Don't forget to ask how they feel about all of this, too. My DH was very worried, and that is often when he shuts down.)

Good Luck!

Unread 11-07-2004, 02:27 PM
Its all or nothing

I am so happy to find all you women are in the same situation as I am, that we have now found the love and understanding that we wish our men should have. (That would be a true miracle!)

Well, today my DH is being nice ( he really tried today) He went to the store for me. His attempt was good, he got most of the things I would have asked for. So, today he is good to me- now tomorrow maybe a different story. I asked him though to take me to the store for items I will need for the surgery (Nov 18) but, he said ohhh, we have plenty of time to get them. I don't know about you, but.... I have to do it ahead or I will forget something important. I am an orginize freak.

I don't know how he will get along with out my help. I do EVERYTHING, I even orginize everything he needs to do, for him. I have 4 kids (3 are older) and I realize now, I have enabled them all. My kids have chores but, I have to stay on them- I can't do that from upstairs in my room. Hey, I can move the baby monitor (she will be gone) into my room to make it easier to deligate.

When I was in the Hospital for 4 months I did it through the phone. I know you guys are probly saying just let them try themselfs. I tried it and I couldn't cope with the way they did it. I let them do there things and when they went to work and school, I redid it. Its harder than just doing it myself. Am I crazy? I just want the best for them. I don't want them to be able to say they grew up in a chaotic household. They need to be better then mine was, and want even more for their children. I had a terrible childhood and I WILL break the cycle! I have and will continue! (smile)

your sisiter in waiting,
Unread 11-07-2004, 05:27 PM
My husband just doesn't get it!

I sat my BF down to talk about my feelings and he explained it to me as..he doesn't understand what I am dealing with, he knows I am in pain and not feeling well and miserable, etc. etc. he just feels that I would be better talking to a woman about female stuff. He also believes a woman should raise daughters and a man should raise sons...could you just scream?? What am I going to do after surgery when I tell him off and I can't blame it on my condition?? lololol..

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