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Husband problems, already!  1 week postop Husband problems, already! 1 week postop

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Unread 11-19-2004, 08:04 AM
Husband problems, already! 1 week postop

It's one week today since my surgery and my husband and I have already had a huge fight. I knew this would happen, just never thought it would be this soon. Of course, it's because he "always has to do EVERYTHING". The precipitating incident was last night's dinner. One daughter emptied the dishwasher from the earlier load, the other daughter set the table. I made the side dishes (which didn't make me too happy, stretching and taking things in and out of the microwave). Husband barbecued the steaks. After dinner, the girls cleared the table and did the dishes.

Problem? They didn't get ALL of the dishes. I didn't realize this, as I'd retired to the sofa. Husband came in and out of the kitchen several times and never said anything. After the girls went to bed (they're 14 year old twins), I decided to head upstairs myself. Going through the kitchen, I noticed the pots and pans had been left on the sink, untouched. I put them in the dishwasher and went to bed, getting madder with each very painful step up the stairs!

Yes, I could have stood downstairs and hollered, but the girls were in bed and it was one of those "small stuff" issues I could deal with later. If I hollered at my husband he would have woken up the girls and berated them for doing a lousy job. It was easier to do it myself. When I got upstairs I finally blew a gasket and asked my husband why he couldn't have just put the $%^% pots and pans in the dishwasher and started it. His response, of course, was the girls should have done it. True, but again, it wasn't worth waking them up and starting a huge fight with them (which he would have initiated). His last comment before lights out, in a very nasty tone, "well, I guess I just have to do EVERYTHING".

Oh, yea, also last night, when he logged onto his computer for the zillionth time, I finally asked him AGAIN, rather nastily I confess, to PLEASE put away the wreath I bought for Christmas pre-surgery, that has been sitting on the dining room table for two weeks! It took him 5 minutes.

Oh, and this morning, he's mad at me and giving me the silent treatment.
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Unread 11-19-2004, 08:29 AM
Husband problems, already! 1 week postop

I"m sorry to hear that. But I understand too. My husband and I got in an argument the day after I got home and I wished I had not come home yet. He is so over sensative right now. I don't know how your husband is but I told mine that I had just been through a lot and it is hard on everyone, including the kids and that I didn't see why everyone coudn't jsut try to work together. I reminded him I didn't ask for my body to need this surgery and that if I could I would trade places with him in a minute. He has eased up since. I hope your does soon too. Your in y thoughts and prayers.
Unread 11-19-2004, 08:35 AM
Husband problems, already! 1 week postop

I am so sorry you are having these problems, when you should be able to just forget it and rest.

My husband was feeling overwhelmed, and my two grown kids were not helping much. To solve this, I made a chore list of things that needed to be done on a regular basis. Things like loading and unloading the dishwasher, making dinner, washing pots and pans that can't go in the dishwasher... Now when someone does a chore, they initial it. This works for us, because my 18 year old daughter is very competitive. She likes to 'win' by having the most squares with her initials in them. There is no prize, but who I am to argue? Maybe a family meeting to help divide up chores will enable you to get OUT of the kitchen and rest more and keep your hubby from feeling overwhelmed.

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Unread 11-19-2004, 08:37 AM
Husband problems, already! 1 week postop

Sounds like he is a spoiled brat child, who needs to grow up!

DO NOT ALLOW him to push you into doing too much... and remember stress itself hinders the healing process... and as I realized, yelling makes your insides hurt too!!!

If he won't help, (without constant harassment...) then maybe you should just leave the mess. Let the girls help you as much as they can... but remember, they are not the adults, he is!

Hang in there!

Unread 11-19-2004, 08:56 AM
Husband problems, already! 1 week postop

Oh, I am sorry to hear that you have this kind of stress. Lots of good suggestions made by the other women in this thread...

If at all possible, try to rest and not do too much, even if it means that things around the house are not up to par. As someone pointed out to me, this is the one chance we have to recover!

Unread 11-19-2004, 09:40 AM
Husband problems, already! 1 week postop

Thanks, ladies. I guess I just don't get it how he can think he's doing "everything" when all he did was barbecue the darn steaks .... something he does just about every night and has for years. I know he does a lot, and always has helped me with the kids and all, but this is driving me nuts.

He took this week off to stay home and "help" me .... he's been on his computer all day, every day. I have to ask him to bring lunch up to me. Then 1/2 hour later I have to go into his office and ask him again. (He's not into porno, thank God, but he is into sending jokes back and forth around the world. Drives me flamin' nuts!).

I didn't expect him to sit around and hold my hand. But I wouldn't have minded if he'd actually accomplished some of the things he always says he has "no time" to do (i.e. the garage). Instead, boxes are sitting in my office that I've told him for 3 days need to be sent back no later than today. We're supposed to go out of town tomorrow (I'm NOT looking forward to the six hour car ride), and laundry needs done, my prescriptions need picked up, stuff needs done!

You're totally right about the stress. I can feel it in my jaw right now (and the clenching is giving me a headache on top of everything else). I can't handle a screaming match with him right now, and I can't just ignore the things that HAVE to be done!
Beg? Cry? Crawl on the floor? Slash my wrists? What do I do?
Unread 11-19-2004, 10:19 AM
Husband problems, already! 1 week postop

Wish I could come to CA and help you!

Sometimes when I am feeling like that, I just stop and try to assess what really HAS to be done versus what I think has to be done. Maybe this won't help you, but I know before surgery when I had umpteen million things to do, it helped me.

Unread 11-19-2004, 10:21 AM
Husband problems, already! 1 week postop

If you think that a talk would not help, try writing it out...

kind of like..."I love you and I am so proud that you took this week off to help me. My surgery was a major event for me, and I am glad that I am still with you and the girls. It is going to take some time for me to get back to good health and to be able to do what I have normally done around here. You and the girls have been wonderful.
There are a few things that need to be done that I cannot do, and I am hoping you and the girls can help me without argument or resentment. The stress I feel when we argue only makes me less able to heal and that is why I am writing this note, so that we won't argue, or stray from the issues that need to be addressed.
If you could help me by doing the following, I would be grateful, and it would really make my recooperation much more pleasant."

Well, something like that... I fyou fight about it, he will begrudge the entire situation, if you try to talk, it will possibly lead to an argument, and you don't need the stress.

In addition, just writing it out helps.

You might do another note for the girls.

Good Luck!

Unread 11-19-2004, 11:14 AM
Husband problems, already! 1 week postop

Michele, what a great idea! I used to write things out when it was difficult to talk to my husband...
Unread 11-19-2004, 11:25 AM
Husband problems, already! 1 week postop

I'm worried that you're doing WAY too much for someone who just had surgery a week ago. I could not do dishes for a while. The next time that happens can you leave the dishes for someone to do the next day? And if your husband says he has to do everything, then agree with him.

Also, this is very early for a 6 hour car trip. I'm concerned that you're pushing yourself awfully hard. You will end up having a very slow recovery if you keep up this pace.

Please try to take it easy. Can any of your coworkers, neighbors, church members bring over dinners? And get some paper plates. : )


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