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Lifeless marriage. Lifeless marriage.

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  #1  
Unread 11-21-2004, 09:52 PM
Lifeless marriage.

My marriage is falling apart. I don't even really know if I want to try and save it. There are good days and there are bad days....BUT....the bad days are out-weighing the good. By far!!!!!
When he comes home from work, he doesn't seem to want to be here. Grabs a beer and just sits. Doesn't talk or anything. Then usually he will eat supper, shower, and disappear in the back bedroom and watch tv. No communicating, no intimacy. And then after treating me that way he gets mad if I don't want sex. He rarely smiles...and it's one of those smiles that never reach the eyes. He never laughs. The only time I hear him laugh is when he is working with one of his friends. I wish he would laugh like that with me. - And something that is really sad....our sons don't like him. They love him....but they don't like him. They are old enough to know the difference. 15-17-22 years old.
We never do anything together. We don't have a life together.
I never do anything right. The only time he talks to me is to complain about something. - He never tells me anything good about myself. He never tells me I'm pretty or funny, that I smell good or that I look nice. Nothing. This relationship is flat. Period.
I'm just tired. So tired. I am not happy. I know that nothing is perfect. But if perfect is a 10, then this marriage is a 1.
I told him the other night that I don't want our marriage to be a habit. And I don't want him to stay with me just because everyone expects us to. None of his siblings or any of either of our cousins, or even our parents(for that matter) stayed married. We have been married longer than any of them. And married only once...to each other! Everyone thinks that we are doing it "right" and that we have a perfect marriage! grrrrr!!!!!
Thanks for letting me vent.

There was a thread in early September.
https://www.hystersisters.com/vb2/sho...n&pagenumber=2
One lady summed up my marriage pretty good!
1. doesn't talk
2.works too much
3.disconnected with each other.

"It seems tolerable that I'm alone so much until I see other couples and then I see how "it could be" and then I get more depressed about the situation." quoted from rwtmarch22

So true! So true!
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  #2  
Unread 11-21-2004, 11:59 PM
Lifeless marriage.

Hi miztrina,
I have some idea's for you, if your willing to try them. I'm not a counsler or anything like that. I am just giving you my idea's that I have gotten from friends and family. If I reading into this right, the only thing left he enjoys between to he two of you is sex and you aren't to happy about any of it. Most people asy it take two to make things work, but I believe it only takes one to get the ball rolling. Since sex is the only thing you have to work with, use it to your advantage. You may no feel like it, cause of no intamacy, but you may get that back in time. Try these once a week or however often you feel up to it. Even pretend to enjoy it if you have to, as it will make him feel better. If you can just get him to enjoy one thing together, he might be willing to start including you in other parts of his life. Start out simple, then move on to the trading system so you can get what you need to.
1. Put a funny, but sexual joke in his luch.
2.Gab a beer, sit with him and show interst in his T.V. shows.
3.Give him a massage, foot, back, head or even his hands.
4. Ask him to fix something in the house, then help him with nothing on but your apron.
5.Take him bowling or to a sports game.
I know a lot of lady's won't agree with this, bit it's worth a shot.
  #3  
Unread 11-22-2004, 12:41 AM
Lifeless marriage.

I feel like I am in the same boat with you Miztrina! I don't really agree with tcs's suggestions though.

I too have to feel that sex is the only thing that keeps my husband around. I have been doing the "fake" enjoying, wanting it to get what I want. Having him take us out to dinner or do a family thing. I feel like a prostitue for having to give him something that I don't want to do when he treats me awful and yet "have" to supply him with what he needs so he will treat me or the girls better. Unfortunately my husband isn't a sports fan, I am really into softball. So during the summer I like to watch the MLB not him. Most of his complaints are that I don't drink. I don't like the taste, or the feeling when I am buzzed. But used to "fake" beer drinking when we were dating 15 years ago. He guesses I was more fun then.

I guess things change. We can't help that everyone thinks our marriage is perfect. In fact my family had an on going bet on how long ours would last. The longest was 2 years by my uncle. We have been married 12 and together 15.

I don't get compliments, my friends and family gush about how great I am doing stuff with my girls and keeping involved with their sports, Girl Scouts, school activities. I work full time, I don't feel like I need to put double effort in my marriage if he isn't trying to make me feel good either. Sex is not the only thing. I find that when I feel bad I ask for a hug, nothing to play into it just I need to know that he is there, and it seems he lets out an exasperated huff before doing so. I need someone to talk to, share my hopes and dreams for the future. If he doesn't want to be the one so be it. My friends will be my crutch to get rid of the man that I loved.

Sorry to sound so down on your post but I feel you. Big Time!!!
Take care,
katrina
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  #4  
Unread 11-22-2004, 01:43 AM
Lifeless marriage.

Bunny and all my sisters,
I don't want you to think badly of me, I just want to give you an option to try, if you chose it. I'm not one to fake things, but I know that life isn't perfect. Sometimes we just have to get our foot in the door to get someone to open it. I hope I don't offend anyone with my reply to your post, as it isn't meant to be offencive, just an option. I sincerely hope you find the anwer to your problem. I also only mean to try these things to get back your relationship with your DH, not for items like jewelry or dinner or a car, ect... Life is hard enough, we don't need to ad loneliness to the mix.

P.S. I hope you can uderstand my first post, I'm sorry about the spelling and incomplete sentence.
  #5  
Unread 11-22-2004, 09:23 AM
Lifeless marriage.

reading your post it seem to me that you want your old marriage back. things have become routine and you are only going through the paces in life. not enjoying each step. i would highly recommend counceling. (i myself have been married and divorced twice. and those marriages were not even worth saving) but i have a live in boyfriend we have been together for almost 6 years we started having problems and we went to counceling. it really helped use to communicate better. you can put your problems on the table and sort them out. find out why he dosnt laugh why he withdraws. we only went for counceling for a couple of months (your don't want it to drag on forever) but it gave us the skills to work things out and to say what is on our minds with out pouting, shouting or shutting down and also not to take each other for granted.
hope it all works out
jane321
  #6  
Unread 11-22-2004, 11:31 AM
Lifeless marriage.

Dear Sisters, s
I sat here with tears in my eyes when I read all of your posts. Quite frankly, I agree with all of them.

Kim, you have some very good suggestions. He usually is in a better mood when he is sexually satisfied. And (most of the time) I do enjoy the sex. BUT....sometimes I feel bitter about it. **Ignore me, but I will still make love to you to relieve the tension in the air.**
I do agree that it takes 2 to make it work. I have tried. I will keep on trying until I feel totally defeated. I'm just so tired already. I just can't do it much longer though. But Kim, right now, it is worth a shot. Thank you. I do understand your posts.

Katrina, I have been following your posts. I get the "huff" or the deep sigh a lot (also) when I ask for a hug or if I just go up and hug him. And those flacid arms!!!! Ugh!!!! It doesn't even feel like a real hug. - Don't be sorry for sounding down on my post.

Jane, I do want my old marriage back. Or at least a "new" future together. We were good together. We shared a wonderful love. - I have suggested counseling several times. But I get no reply. Not a yes or a no. Hmmm....maybe if I started going, he would eventually go. Thank you Jane!

I'll keep forging on. to all my Sisters, Trina
  #7  
Unread 11-22-2004, 11:45 AM
Lifeless marriage.

Something may be going on in his career that has got him depressed.
Have you tried to sit and talk with him honestly.... like the "is there something that I have done".... approach.
Or maybe a "when you do _______ I feel like________"

We had trouble at the 7 year mark... since then, I have used these 2 approaches.
and take care! I hope it gets better for you.
  #8  
Unread 11-22-2004, 12:00 PM
Lifeless marriage.

Hi Miztrina,

This happened to me about 5 years ago. I had a very old car and wanted a new one. Our teenagers were getting their driver's licenses and I figured they could have my old car and I would get a new one. Besides being unattentive my DH was a tight wad!

I hadn't really worked a full time job. I worked a few part time jobs and basically was there for him and the kids whenever they needed me. I wasn't working at the time and he told me I had to get a job and pay for the car if I wanted a new one! So, being as angry as I was, I got a job and a car. It was a part time job but quickly turned into a full time management position. I suddenly had a new life, so to speak. It wasn't easy but became such a wonderful thing for me. Before too long, my DH was being SOOOO nice and attentive. I think, for awhile, things switched around. I was still angry about how he treated me so I did not pay much attention to him for a long time.

Me working and having a life other than the family has changed my family dynamics. My kids go to college now and are responsible for their own chores, laundry, meals, etc. My DH has learned to care for himself also.

I am not sure if his change had to do with appreciating me and missing all the "service" I gave to the family or if it is a form of "manly" respect due to my working situation.

I am not saying that this type of situation would be right for you because I don't know if you are working or not. If not, getting a job would help YOU if nothing else. It worked for me and gave me a whole new level of self esteem, apart from the family.

Just wanted to briefly tell my story.
  #9  
Unread 11-22-2004, 12:16 PM
Lifeless marriage.

"Gosh i understand ladies Especially noticing He only (my boyfriend-Of 18yrs)Laughs with his friends and it really seems Like he rather be with Them .Its like he hurrys and dose something with me then Back with his friends I know all of them.their nice people and what he saids to me is Go do something with your friends - I need space and you know He has allways has been this way I guess I got to remember His whole life dosnt Have to revolve around me
  #10  
Unread 11-22-2004, 03:40 PM
Lifeless marriage.

somethings cant be fixed, somethings wear out in time. Life is too short to be miserable., If i where in your shoes I would ask myself, "Can I live like this forever?" if yes...OK...live and keep your mouth shut about it. If no...do something about it. Go to counseling. Try something radical and talk to him. Do what you have to do to be happy. No one else can make you happy or unhappy, and happiness is a choice, not a right.
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