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Question for ALL re:ADHD hubby Question for ALL re:ADHD hubby

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Unread 12-10-2004, 04:23 PM
Question for ALL re:ADHD hubby

Hi ladies,

I'm still kind of new here, and have a question that is really bothering me. If any one know the answers, it will be you! I have learned SO much from this site and all of your wise, wonderful conversations. For that I am very grateful!

Here's the situation: I know I need a hyst. for nasty fibroids, but have been putting it off for two years due to "DH," whom I know will be of little or no help at all during recovery. The reason? He has ADHD, and can scarcely pay attention to anything but getting himself to work and back, then talking about it endlessly. When pressed to talk about, think about or do anything else (particularly anything with me/my life/my work, for some reason), he snaps at me and says ugly he's another person, not the great guy I married. All this, and he is SO considerate of others you wouldn't believe it!

Normally, I can get along with that OK (tune out the "work drama" half the time - sigh) since it seems he just can't help himself , but I'm really scared about the idea of spending weeks recovering with no one to count on. My friends are all in the workplace, so they'll be too busy to do much.

Do any of you dear people have any experience with an ADHD hubby and how to handle all that goes with that in this kind of situation? Or can you recommend a site dedicated to that kind of thing (ADD,ADHD)? I feel like I'm married to someone with a split personality! (He knows this, but does nothing other than take a pill in the morning, which of course is shot by the time I see him again in the evening.)

Sorry this is SO long; it feels awfully good just to "say" this to someone! THANK YOU for any help you can send along, and for all you do to help all the sisters out there, no matter what .

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Unread 12-10-2004, 05:23 PM
Question for ALL re:ADHD hubby

My DH is ADHD, too, and it made no difference in my decision to get the TAH. I needed it. About the only advantage was that he is a (mostly) responsible adult and that was required for release from the hospital!

About the only advice I can give is to prepare for necessities before your operation. Make sure you are stocked up on things like soup, nutritious granola bars (not the glorified candy bars, the ones that give you 25% daily riboflavin and 10% calcium), and other non-perishables that are easy to fix and eat. Include fruit that lasts a long time (like apples). Get paper plates and cups, too, to cut down on dirty dishes.

Luckily, my recovery has been going well because he has not emptied a single dishwasher load or washed one item of laundry. I have 2 black cats and tan carpet - and it looks like we're growing a whole new cat in the living room. His driving is jerky enough to send me back to the hospital so I drive myself when I want to go out.

Maybe your doctor could have a talk with him? S/he could remind your DH that your recovery will take time and you will need lots of help with everything. Sometimes it seems like my husband dismisses what I say, yet takes a stranger's word as gospel.

Good luck, best wishes, and speedy recovery!
Unread 12-10-2004, 07:51 PM
Question for ALL re:ADHD hubby


Try this support group. It is very active and great advice. I have belonged to this group for years. I have a 17 yr old with ADD. ADD and ADHD is not an excuse to snap at you. The forgetfulness and hyperfocusing is definitely the ADHD. I believe you will find tons of useful support on this site.

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Unread 12-11-2004, 11:02 AM
Question for ALL re:ADHD hubby

Thanks, Leith and Kelly!

It really helps to get some practical info from those who have been there, done that. Leith, I know I don't have a choice re: the hyst now, as you didn't...I need it. So your suggestions make perfect sense. I totally understand the thing about being dismissed while the word of strangers is taken as "gospel"! And as for the driving, I hear you...will have to call on a neighbor for a few days if necessary.

Kelly, thanks for the website info. I knew there had to be something out in cyber-land for us, but I couldn't find it. I know my question was a little outside of the usual hyst info discussed here. Thanks so much for taking the time to help put my mind at ease.

Hope you both are doing well and feeling more comfy these days. May an angel with a vacuum cleaner and a pot of home-made soup appear on your doorstep! :-)

Unread 12-11-2004, 01:22 PM
Question for ALL re:ADHD hubby

Thanks to Kelly for the ADD link!

I've learned over the years not to sweat the small stuff. If I have something important to say, I just keep steering the conversation back to the beginning and I eventually get it out.

As they say, don't sweat the small stuff. I add: When the big stuff comes along, stand your ground.

Here's a joke I heard a couple months ago:

A man came home from work one day and saw the kids in their pajamas playing in the dirt. When they saw him, they ran up and cried that they hadn't eaten all day.

He went to the house, leaving the pile of mail in the box. The first thing he saw when he went in the house was a pile of dirty dishes in the kitchen. Dinner was not in the oven. He could smell dog urine in the living room near the mound of toys and sofa pillows on the floor. The answering machine light was blinking.

He ran up the stairs looking for his wife, tripping over the dirty laundry left there. In the bathroom, the toilet hadn't been flushed and there was a towel on the floor. He was starting to get really scared that something had happened to his wife. He ran from room to room calling her name.

When he got to their bedroom, he flung the door open. He saw her on the bed eating bonbons and reading a romance novel.

"What the heck is going on here? I thought something awful had happened!"

She replied, "you know how you say that I don't do anything all day? Well, today I didn't do it." And she smiled and went back to her book.

The point is that a little pet fur in the carpet and a few dirty dishes aren't that important when we're recovering. Of course we can't let the kids run wild and hungry, but we do need to let the smaller things go. Don't risk pulling stitches because some dust and hair collected in the bathroom corner. If the bending and stretching of emptying the dishwasher (or standing for half an hour at the sink to wash them) is too much, we may have to remind our ADHD loved ones several times to do it. The "big stuff" is our recovery.
Unread 12-11-2004, 01:25 PM
Question for ALL re:ADHD hubby

Ohhhhhh -- I just joined this group, and I had to jump in on this one!! ;-) Been with my DH for 9 years (married for 6 months, living together for 6 yrs), who has had *major* ADD plus depression all his life. The depression runs in the men in his family, and both Dad and brother are now on Paxil. He was so bad I honestly thought he was manic-depressive. I finally had just HAD it with the mood swings / foul-tempered (yet can also be the sweetest best guy in the world) that I put my foot down. I had had enough! (ok, I had to put my foot down several times... it's an ongoing battle with ADD). Several trips to psychiatrists and couples counseling together -- we finally got it right. He is taking Adderall (ADD med) PLUS now a mood stabilizer (Trileptal). Antidepressants helped a little but caused ZERO libido. He is now a wonderful sweet guy that can CONTROL his moods (you know what I mean -- I'll bet you can see it literally physically come over him when he goes into one of his "nasty moods"). It is very common in ADD people (I have ADD a little myself). If he goes off his Trileptal (he tried it once) he became the mean monstor again. And OH YES -- I can totally relate to the fact that they are nice to everyone else BUT you!! ;-) arrggh Ok, maybe this doesn't totally relate to hysterectomy, but because I finally asked -- no, demanded to be treated nicely and as I deserved, and that he gets the help he needed, he is now the sweetest, kindest most concerned support person I could ever hope for helping me through this. So it is related. When we found out I was going to need to have surgery, *he* was more upset and worried about me than I was! He calls me all the time now (I work from home) to make sure I haven't passed out from blood loss, or to see if I'm in pain. Yes, he actually remembers! ;-)

It's a big step, and maybe you won't have time/energy for all this before you need surgery, but you deserve to have someone simply being nice to you. It took me giving him the ultimatum of "get help or I'm leaving you" (which is why I waited so long to marry him), but the results are thrilling for both of us. Your DH can't possibly want to live like that.

GOOD LUCK with both your problems!
(16 wk uterus + 5cm pedunculated fibroid; upcoming SAH/keeping ovaries on January 4, 2005 due to LT fetal-position pain and 6 months now of hemorrhaging. Tried holistic and looked at other options, but this is my best bet and I can't wait.)
Unread 12-11-2004, 02:45 PM
Question for ALL re:ADHD hubby

Thanks, all of you, for the chuckles AND the wise advice. I'm seeing the doc this coming week...hope to get through a trip to the castle very soon.

DH (ADHDDH? heh-heh) and I have been together for 30 years, kids are grown, I deal with everything on my own most of time, etc. It's just the emotional thing of having "no net" when I need one that really gets to me sometimes...and you really helped with that. Normally, I'm not big on sniveling, just must be having a down time with all this stuff to face. I, too, am looking forward to having it over with.

Hugs to all of you! Maddy, we'll be thinking of you and wishing you well on your big day!


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