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Father Hurt my Feelings Father Hurt my Feelings

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  #1  
Unread 12-18-2004, 06:37 PM
Father Hurt my Feelings

Hi,

I haven't posted for a while because my computer was getting fixed up.

I got really upset with my father because he said some mean things. He said "you don't look as sharp as you did a year ago". I started crying and he couldn't understand why I would be upset. I already feel bad enough about myself. I have had three surgeries in the last nine months, so of course I don't look my best. I am about medium built and have gained a few pounds, which is difficult because I have eating disorder issues.
My dad offered to get me a trainer. I know he thinks he is helping me and just being honest. I have worked out in the past before my surgeries and want to get back in shape when the doctor says it is okay. Walking is still difficult.

I realize there is no way I can make my father see why I feel bad, because he doesn't think he did anything wrong.

I am starting to not look forward to the holidays just because of these kind of circumstances. I am sure family members will be putting their two cents in on my recovery.

Thanks for letting me vent.
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  #2  
Unread 12-18-2004, 06:40 PM
Father Hurt my Feelings

Oh sweetie, I am sorry your dad hurt your feelings. Even though you think he wont see where he did anything wrong, you need to let him know what he said made you feel bad and hurt your feelings. Not argue with him, just sit him down and tell him that you have been through a lot and you believe that you don't look good and you are upset about that , but that when he said it outloud to you that is was really hurtful. maybe he WILL understand. If he doesn't and just says you are being ridiculous, then just ignore his comments. Don't blow off Christmas...if you start getting rude comments, just ignore them or pull that person off to the side and let them have it
  #3  
Unread 12-18-2004, 06:47 PM
Father Hurt my Feelings

Hi, ANOMIS Hope you start feeling better soon .I think sometimes dads brothers guys in general say things and dont even think much about what they said so let it go sister and get into the holiday spirit
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  #4  
Unread 12-18-2004, 07:13 PM
Father Hurt my Feelings

It hurts, I know. My mom can say really rude and hurtful things too. She speaks before thinking....even if she thought about it, I'm sure it would come out wrong! I don't even go there with her anymore.

You have been through too much already for one woman. Arrive late and leave early for the holiday and be thankful that family members don't live with you!

You have a plan for your future and until then, heal up and take care. You'll be alright. You don't have to defend yourself to anyone unless you can't let go of the resentment. If it continues to upset you, you may want to say something. Your Dad probably thought he was being kind and generous. You probably took it as the all time insult and it probably made you feel like you were dissapointing him. What you need is unconditional love, understanding and SPACE. We often don't get what we need from our parents, so we have to cut ourselves some slack.

Come vent anytime.
Maralyn
  #5  
Unread 12-18-2004, 07:15 PM
P.S.

Thanks Ladies,

He also said You "have a nice personality but guys don't go knocking on girl's doors for nice personalities. But, once you get back in shape you will look super!" Nice pep talk. Not. Like I would want a guy who just goes for looks.

I tried to explain he comments were hurtful and he turned it on me and said he was just being honest. He thinks I actually asked for his advice. LOL

I will try to put this behind me. It was just very hurtful to hear those things from my father.
  #6  
Unread 12-21-2004, 08:47 AM
Father Hurt my Feelings

Anomis, don't let it bother you - just realize that there are a lot of people out there that have little understanding of how to choose their words. Sometimes the people that we are the closest to are the worst offenders. I had my TAH on Monday the 13th. My mother came to visit me in the hospital on the 13th, and I didn't hear from her at all after that. On Sunday morning she called to check on me. I told her that I was doing good. She said" ok, I'm going to church and I don't want to look stupid when people ask how you are and I tell them that I haven't talked to you!" I think she realized what she said because she said, "if you had problems, I'm sure I would have heard from you" Parents, gotta love them! Take care!
  #7  
Unread 12-21-2004, 01:01 PM
Father Hurt my Feelings

You might let your father know that looks don't last forever, and that you wouldn't want a man who is solely dependent on your looks to form a relationship. After all, they all turn bald and fat after years too - and we're expected to love them any way!!

My father said to me for years "You never did get any breasts, did you?"

Now he says "You look like you've gained about 20 pounds." To which I told him "Yeah, four years ago, nice of you to finally notice. But as you can see, I have the breasts now too" (smile).

My mother, on the other hand, use to say "Don't ever cut your hair, it's really your prettiest feature." I couldn't wait to go show her my new, shoulder length hair!! I decided years ago that I'm beautiful inside and out, and no one feature is ever going to make me feel different or ugly. Nor are my families total lack of support and encouragement.
  #8  
Unread 12-21-2004, 08:52 PM
Father Hurt my Feelings

Anomis,

I have also grown up with a father who makes insensitive comments about me, my attractiveness, etc. Don't expect your Dad to change, but look for other men such as uncles, friends, etc. who will treat you like you deserve to be treated.

Be purposeful about surrounding yourself with people who speak positively to you because you've been through a rough time and deserve to be treated with love and kindness.

A therapist gave me great advise many years ago and it was this, "Friends are the family you choose." So start looking for friends!!!!

Gina
  #9  
Unread 12-21-2004, 09:27 PM
Father Hurt my Feelings

Anomis,

Hang in there girl, and cut yourself some slack!!! You are beautiful!! God only made one of you, and you look just as he designed for you too!!

You have been through alot!!! 3 surgeries!! It may be that your dad just needs a little education on the subject!! My daughter (21) asked me if I was going to get pudgy, manly hands, and if I was going to grow a beard!!! Can you imagine!! I told her I hope not, but if she noticed any "manly" changes, to please let me know. I also sent her some info on the subject, so that she would be aware that question like that could cause desasterious results for her on a "horomonal" day.

Look over it and chalk it up to ignorance, and enjoy the holidays. You are a very brave and wonderful person!!
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