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Dont know where to begin, long Dont know where to begin, long

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Unread 12-19-2004, 07:40 AM
Dont know where to begin, long

Hi Ladies,
I have been reading posts for the last couple days about friends, and people we know saying rude things. It does not get any better. I knew shortly after my surgery, by the influx of people who came over or called, I really had no friends. Tough lesson to learn. The two people who cared the most, other than DH and DS were both guys. One is someone i grew up with who was going through his own stuff, and actually talked to me on the phone to find out how I was doing. Then told me how he was doing which was not good. My step son was the other one, who thought there was something seriously wrong and was really concerned...That made my day!!

Alll I get now from people i run into, "are you back at work yet?" which in some ways is even harder for me to deal with. 'Umm,no just a big loser who had surgery to be able to work, and got my butt canned by the place who fires NO ONE, but thanks for asking!" I say "no I am going back to school" and they just look at me. DH is in school, we have a child, and are going to be welfare bums is what they are thinking....I paid into Unemployment, why shouldn't I collect it??

Meanwhile back at the home front...I have a 3000 dollar dental bill coming up, hubby has another abcess and surgery booked on Tues, my best friend is having a worse time than me, I feel as though this was the worst decision of my life cuz everything is going wrong, i cannot poop, i cannot sleep and the pills that gave me a life for one whole month are now wrecking my body. I take more pills every day than i did before! My family keeps telling me I am getting fatter, which is so true, cuz my swelly belly is back in full force. I feel like crap, I look like crap and I just wanna go far away and not have to deal with all this. So many changes in such a short time, and I cannot cope today. My life is so out of control....

I really dont regret my surgery, I am so happy to be pain free. I just regret all the changes and hopes it bought, hope for a better tomorrow, hope for a new life, a new me....and it seems all those hopes and dreams are lying at my feet, broken, and useless. I dont know if it will be ok, I dont know if I will make it through. I like to think I will, but when you come from the place i was at, see a better life, and then have it taken away, you just know things are not going to get better. Tough cookie to swallow.....All i can do is hang on for the ride, and pray, it seems to be all I have left.

I am sorry I am such a downer today. Can you tell?? Maybe this is all there is, and that scares me. Maybe this is as good as it gets. This could well be my reality check.... I am in no danger, so to my friends, dont worry. I just want to go to bed, and sleep until my life is good, happy and fulfilling. But sleep doesnt come....And when it does, it is not good, or happy.....

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Unread 12-19-2004, 08:15 AM
Dont know where to begin, long

Harley just want to send a your way, you will get through this phase of the journey - god is not finished with you yet. I think you will probably feel better once you get in school until then just keep in mind you have a plan and don't be so hard on yourself about the weight - start over everyday until it comes your way. As for the money issues I know them well, something everytime I turn around, has been as long as I can remember, funny realization has come to me over the past few months though, I have never been hungry or without a roof over my head, it gets ruff at times but seems like I am always provided the basic needs, I call this blessed. I hope you find enough peace in your life today that will carry you to tomorrow when hopefully it will be a better day, hang in there pain and all you are a lucky gal !!
Unread 12-19-2004, 08:16 AM
Dont know where to begin, long

Kat my Dear,

You are not alone and you are definitely not the only one who feels like you do. I HATE when I go places (which is not very often) and people ask "How are you doing?" Something very wicked sometimes comes over me and I WANT to say " Well just look at me how the #&** do you think I could be feeling!!" But I really have learned that most people that ask are doing it out of politeness, so I just say " Getting there!"

I feel guilty when I go into great details about how I feel with someone who "really" is supposed to be my "friend" and now I find them wondering "When is she ever going to quit babbling about this?"

I had a job that was a nightmare and for 3 years I didn't get a raise even though it was in my job description and they didn't follow the rules. So I QUIT! They tried to deny my Unemployment, but the UE office asked for my letter of resignation, which I was very careful to spell out what THEY had done WRONG in and I was granted my UE and believe you me I drew it all out because at my age I will not ever get another opportunity to do it again. Don't feel guilty about it, especially since you don't intend to lay on your butt and be a bum, but you have plans, very specific plans about your future and school. That is impressive. The way I feel right now, the only plans I feel like I could make are to get through today!

As far as the dental debt goes, won't they let you make payments? A little is better than nothing.

I think with all your stress it is affecting you physically as well as mentally. I think you should tell all this to your dr and tell him how the Effexor has now made you feel. Don't give up hope, there is something on the market that you can take that will help you.

As far as fat goes, are you basically healthy other than hyst related problems? Why not fix all this stuff first and you might be surprised at how that might help with losing weight. That is what I have done. Since the hyst and all this nightmare associated with it, I have gained 15 lbs in 3 1 /2 months!!

You will make it through and you will be what you want to be!!!!!!!
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Unread 12-19-2004, 08:23 AM
Dont know where to begin, long

Kat...I have enjoyed your posts during your down times and good ones. I am sorry to hear that today is a down day, but life can sure be a roller coaster ride. I know the feeling about finding out who is truly a friend or an acquaintance. I too found that to be heartbreaking. A girl friend of years, told me that only the good die young, when I was preop and in beaucoup pain. She made sure to make that statement to me during several of my phone calls made to her. Started to notice she only calls me when she needs something. Definite eye opener for me since my surgery. It seems like I always will have my family and have grown to appreciate how precious they are.

Financially problems are the worst, I racked up $1300 in just copays and meds since Sept. Somehow things just work out, or we have to do something to iron out the crinkles. Its painful to think we have to pay such high costs for dental, seems like a torture session to me. Had lots of work done! Have been on disability since Oct. and I don't feel too bad about it either. Has helped me slip by. They say you are only dealt the hand you can handle, but the struggles can be fierce.

Cheers to better days! I hope you find some sunshine in your day.
Unread 12-19-2004, 08:51 AM
Dont know where to begin, long

Hey Hun,

I am sorry you are a having a bummed out day. But you have come to the right place
I am not going to make this long, as I am sure I will talk to you later. I do want to say taht you know I know all about the financial situations as we are going through a major one ourselves. It will all work out, it might not be the way you want, but in the end it does.
I also get tired of people coming up to me that I see at the store or whatever and say, man you have been out a long time, when is your LAZY butt going back to work? That really burns me up!
As you remember I told you that DB was coming in town from Cali with his new girlfriend. She immediately came up to me and hugged me and said "I have heard everything you have been going through and I am sorry, if you don't feel up to this dinner, I completely understand" this is a woman whom I have never met or talked to and she was more sincere than the girls that were my so called friends! I almost broke down and cried, but didn't want to go through all of that either, so I cried when I got home.
I know you were very touched when you step DSdid that. You never know where you might find honest love and caring.
I hope you get through the day with brighter thoughts and I will talk to you later!
Love ya,
Unread 12-19-2004, 10:09 AM
Dont know where to begin, long

Ahhhhh, where to start...(I promise I'll be brief)
Some days it just doesn't pay to introspect. But if you must, check in with yourself and see if you're ok right now, in this exact moment. Take a look at all the different ways that you're OK. Then remember to be grateful for all those things.
You say your life is out of control. Welcome aboard. Anybody who thinks they do have control is in for a big lesson in hubris - it'll be coming along shortly...
Please don't take this that I'm trying to disregard the problems that you are having or minimize them in any way. I know they are real, and it may take some time to work through them. The stuff that surrounds this whole experience wreaks (temporary) havoc in all our lives.
So, Kat, here is my (supportive) advice for the day, since all we have is today. Go find a sister on this site who is having a worse time than you. Offer her some support & make her day lighter.
You have so much light in you. I know there are times you can't see it, but we see it all the time.
Try to stay out of that closet - it's dark in there! And maybe you should stop running before you give yourself a heart attack & take it a little easier until you get those meds straightened out.

Unread 12-19-2004, 10:46 AM
Hi Kat

I have been reading your posts for months now, and wonder if you noticed that about every two weeks you hit a low, and then you come back up and support everyone around you. You have supported me when I needed it, either directly or indirectly, and have done the same for, I'm sure, hundreds of others on this site and in your real life.

I am sorry that this cycle is so dramatic and emotionally painful, I wish there was something I could do to make it all better. I am hopeful that you are getting the best medical care possible, and that you have the energy to advocate for yourself when you need to.

Try this, it might work, if not, hey, it probably didn't hurt, right?

When you feel a mood swing, get on line and write about it.

Then, about a week later, read your post as if that person was not you, but your best friend. What would you tell her to do? You always have such good advice!!!

Don't be so hard on yourself. You are loved by many, and when your emotional resources are low, let us help you.

Have faith that this too shall pass, and you will emerge on the other side a beacon for all around you. Thank you for all the support and kindness you have shown on this site, even when you are in the depths, you are really helping.

Your friend

Unread 12-19-2004, 11:51 AM
Dont know where to begin, long

Hi Ladies,
Thanks so much. I feel so loved and supported on here. Why can I not see the forest today for the trees. I know I have so much to be thankful for, and these health worries sure do take a lot out of a person.

I have a Christmas party to go to with a bunch of young skinny girls today. Should be fun...NOT!! I so want to crawl into bed and forget everything.

Marla, thanks for pointing out my cycles. I did not notice it but I see it now. I will have to check out why that happens.

I wont be going to bed to pull the covers over my head and I am refraining from drinking today, as i dont want to add to the issues. I can see if it I started in on the booze!! hehe that would give everyone something to laugh at!! Maybe the youngsters will cheer my heart and soul, and maybe I will have fun. I dunno....

You ladies are my rock, and without you I am afraid I would drown right now. When is it going to click that I am not superwoman, but that I am ok just the way I am. My happiness is not dependant on others, that I can be happy with me. Cuz sometimes me is all I have.... Easy to say, harder to live....

I am hoping no one is as in the doldrums as me, and that you all have wonderful happy days ahead...

Hugs to you all
Unread 12-19-2004, 02:51 PM
Dont know where to begin, long

Hi Kat,
Sorry to hear you feel down today. Someone once told me to write this down and post it on a mirror you use daily,


We cannot look to others for our happiness. It comes from within.

Take care, Karen
Unread 12-19-2004, 06:15 PM
Dont know where to begin, long

Hi Kat
I just wanted to send you al big ol and let you know I am your friend and will never say anything rude to you. I am very inspired by you. You are such a inspiration to alot of us sisters.
I hope you went to the program and had a very good time. You need to stay out from under those covers as much as you can and get out and enjoy life. You have been through too much and came so far to take to the bed. I hope you can figure out what is triggering your lows.
I am in bad financial shape too. Bill collectors call my house and job everyday. I am afraid to answer the phone. I still have bills from the hyst to pay and here I am probably facing a third surgery this year. I know I will not have a good quality of life if I don't get the repairs, but feel guilty causing more financial hardship on my family. We just have to put our faith in God and know we will live on and things will get better. I still plan on going back to college too.
PM or Email me anytime you need to talk. I will be on here alot if I have surgery again!!!!

take care of yourself Kat. IT WILL GET BETTER!!!!


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