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Unread 01-04-2005, 02:10 PM
DH, venting

My DH who read your post over my shoulder says that by calling you lazy and saying all those things, your husband is being abusive. And as for your spouse's comment "Thats because your not up doing enough to heal quicker!" my DH says that sleeping more and cleaning less is what you aren't doing enough of to heal quicker. My DH says

I'm home less than a week and I can't imagine doing 6 loads of laundry and cleaning all those rooms. [heck! I'm going to take a nap as soon as I'm done writing this]. Three weeks post-op is way too soon to be doing all that stuff in such a short period of time. Maybe over the course of the week but not in four hours.

Buy ear plugs, stick them in, go back to bed and ignore your spouse. And make those kids help out!---heck, i've got my 7 year old carrying stuff for me and my 4 1/2 doing all the bending when her klutzy mom drops stuff.

Hang in there!
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Unread 01-04-2005, 03:03 PM
DH, venting

Hi Boneta, Sorry to hear that your DH is being that way. Mine was too, at times. One day, a week after my surgery, someone brought some awesome chicken to us. When it was dinnertime, my DH actually had to warm it up AND make some rice to go w/ it. He really freaked. It was almost funny. He definitely had a hard time taking over the "mom" jobs during those first 2 weeks. I was actually glad when he went back to work so I didn't have to hear about it all. He kept telling me that the laundry didn't need to be done everyday, but w/ 4 kids, it piles up fast. He'd wait a couple days and then have a break-down doing a million loads. Boo hoo!! We just had sex for the first time (after 10 weeks) and he asked me if I was scared. I said that I was. He said, "don't be scared, your surgery was MONTHS ago"!!!!!!!!! Can you believe it? Thankfully, it went pretty well. He's out of town for 2 weeks, so don't have to do that again for awhile. His comment really hurt my feelings. The dr. said at my 6 wk ck-up, to go slow since she could still see internal stitches. Anyway.....Hang in there, girl and remember to take it easy. You only have one chance to heal from this.

TVH, bladder repair, kept ovaries
Unread 01-04-2005, 04:00 PM
DH, venting

I love my sensitive husband! Hang in there, I'm sure he just wants his wife back.

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Unread 01-04-2005, 05:41 PM
DH, venting

Three weeks is NOTHING. You are really doing way too much, and I say that in a very caring way! There can be a honeymoon period when no-one can do enough for you, but the novelty often wears off. Yes, he has been to work, and even if you had spent the day doing nothing, you are entitled - you have had a very serious operation. Is there any info you can give your DH? Could the doctor speak to him? Maybe he just had a really bad day at work after his break and took it out on the person closest to him - you. I bet he has been really worried about you too. Am trying to see both sides, but sSome of the things he said were well out of order. Did he apologise?

Don't feel bad about venting - everyone needs to! Especically don't beat yourself up and think you are not doing enough to get better as magic wands haven't arrived on E-bay yet! Please rest more. HOw about a family meeting? Teenagers can do lots, they only think that someone waiting on them hand and foot is their right! Set some targets for them. They wear the clothes, they can wash them. Are you washing or ironing? 3 weeks seems way early for ironing. I did a bit yest (6 weeks post op minue 1 day), sitting down, but felt it tugging on me.

You are doing great, Boneta. Hang on in there and vent away when you need to!

Hugs and best wishes.
Unread 01-04-2005, 06:22 PM
DH, venting

I put the check points on the fridge showing what we can and cannot do. This has helped as a reinforcement. I have one person in the house that finks on me if I do too much. You need to take it easy at this stage. It was hard for me to get that into my head at first. Slowly it sunk in. You need to spend the next day on the couch, you deserve it!
Unread 01-04-2005, 06:31 PM
DH, venting

Your post kind of makes me glad DH is out of town all week and only home on weekends!

Stay strong, I like the idea of posting the checkpoints on the fridge.

Good Luck,
Unread 01-04-2005, 06:58 PM
DH, venting

yeah I also like the idea of posting the checkpoints on the fridge as well.

I am truly sorry Boneta that you had to go through that with H...(his behavior doesn't deserve the Dear part)
One thing I must say....everything that you described that you did---there is no reason that your kids couldn't have done that, or even should have let all that pile up. My kids are 14 and 10 and they do everything when I can't. They did the laundry, the dishes, the vacuuming, the dusting , the sweeping the mopping...everything! I taught my 10 DD to wash clothes before my hyst..she was 9 then and she still does her own clothes, so does my 14 DS(he has been doing his own for 3 years). They must take up the slack, because you shouldn't be doing it at all right now.
I wouldn't approach him with the rules again, just post it on the fridge and continue to rest and just ignore him. Just know that we are here for you!
Unread 01-05-2005, 07:38 AM
DH, venting

I like the idea of posting the Checkpoints on Fridge. I will do that!

He might read them then!? No, he has not apologized to me and doubt if he would. It is not a thing he does unless I demand an apology and then it does not seem sencere (sp?). He did ask how I felt and I told him how sore I was from all the cleaning I did. He said well take an easy if you have too. Gosh, he was ranting and raving the other day! Maybe your right, he just don't understand or he just want his wife/housekeeper back ASAP. I tried to explain to him I am not up to the games and fighting. He did not say anything just shrugged and let out a sigh. He then went to help the 12 y/o DD do her homework I am so glad he did that for me, especially with Algebra! UGH! Not my favorite subject! LOL! And went to the store to get a few things.

I took it real easy all day yesterday, I walked, rest and drank lots of fluids as the Dr ordered. Last night was a bit rough. I could not sleep very well. Even taking the Tylenol 3 did not help much. My incision ached and my back hurt a lot. I don't know why my back hurts so much but it does. I never injured my back in the past? My incision looks fine and still has a few small open areas. Dr has me put Triple Antibiotic cream on it daily.

As far as the laundry goes I did no ironing. I washed the clothes and dried the clothes (in the basement down & up 8 steps) I did have my son carry the clothes upstairs. I have a laundry shute in Bathroom where the clothes fall down next to the washer. I folded the six baskets of clothes (which I did have to lift the basket of clothes to a kitchen chair and fold them on the kitchen table, because the kids went to school and I was home alone by this point the other day). In our house it only takes 1-2 days to to get that much laundry built up. I think I will try to get the kids to do their own laundry. Your right they are old enough 12 girl, 16 boy & 18 girl (Who is full time college and works a job). I had the 12 Y/O put a load of wash in before going to school today and she will switch the loads when she gets home. My son will bring them up stairs and both will fold them tonight!

Day before yesterday, I loaded the dishwasher and unloaded. Went around the house to find any dishes that where left out and not in the sink. I picked up stuff off the floor in living room (Christmas paper that did not get picked up and stuff that was not put away) and straightened up the place. I did make the two younger kids vaccum and sweep & mop kitchen floor (the older one was gone to work). I did try to sweep earlier but it hurt to much.

Believe me I will take it easy for the rest of the week! I will not do any of that for awhile! I plan on resting-walking-drinking fluids all day today too! I do have some ear plugs so if DH comes home in one of those foul moods tonight I am ready! LOL! You are probably right he must have had a bad day at work and I was a good choice to let off on since I am already down and almost out, LOL! He has been working manditory overtime, goes in at 4:30 AM and home at 6:30 PM. Really is long hours too work. I will try to be more sympathetic to him too. Thanks too all you Sisters with your replys! It has helped me think more clearer and get back on what is important, Me healing right the first time!

TAH/BSO 12-21-04
Unread 01-05-2005, 09:01 AM
DH, venting

I will tell you why your back hurts. Since surgery, your tummy muscles are not doing their job, so your back has to take up the slack. You would be amazed at what your tummy actually does for you. It helps you stand up, situp, get up, bend over, lift and since they are out of commission, your back is doing all the work by itself. I am glad to hear that you are taking it easy and letting your kids do the laundry, you are right, they are definately old enough...also giving them that responsibility I have found makes them appreciate what I do.
Continue to take it easy and let us know how youa re doing.
Unread 01-05-2005, 11:56 AM
DH, venting

Boneta, your post broke my heart. My first husband was verbally abusive, but at least he was sympathetic after all of my surgeries. My current DH is a total sweetie. Now that I know the difference, I will never, ever allow anyone to treat me badly again!

You have done waaaaaaay too much work. Maybe you don't understand the things that can go wrong if you over do it. Your abdomen is full of internal stitches. You could rip those stitches and cause internal bleeding, infection, and adhesions. All that bending over and straightening up involves abdominal muscles. Your bladder could fall, and you could become permanently incontinent. You could rip your vaginal stitches. How would they get in there to sew it back up?! This is serious stuff, dear heart. Please be careful!

On the other subject, I have a 5 year old little beagle. I potty trained her to a litterbox from the age of 10 weeks. (She isn't the sharpest tool in the shed, so she had a lot of accidents up until 6 months old.) I have a long plastic box lid, that I place in the bathtub. I cut open a plastic garbage bag, and lay it over the lid. This makes disposal really easy. The lid is long enough to hold 2 potty pads end to end. Because that pads are not like Pampers, they don't have a stay-dry top sheet, I open the pads and put a bowl of scoopable kitty litter inside the pads. Poops get scooped into the toilet as soon as possible. When we take showers, we lift the box lid out and set the thing on the floor. This has helped me a lot with dog ownership. I used to live in the snow, and I had no desire to take her out in blizzard conditions several times a day and night. Now, I live in a one-bedroom condo, which has no yard and no balcony. The litter box helps us tremendously.

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