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4-male heathans & 1-oblivious husband 4-male heathans & 1-oblivious husband

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  #1  
Unread 01-04-2005, 08:10 PM
4-male heathans & 1-oblivious husband

Had surgery on 12/15/04. Heathans range from 18,16,15 & 9 yrs. 9 yr old has been with his dad ever since surgery until last nite(01/03/05).

The three teens have had their friends over everynite to stay until 3-5 am sometimes even spending the nite and sleeping until 2-4 pm. This began to happen a week post-op. I would comment to the kids and their friends that they needed to leave early because I needed to get my rest and I was tired of waking up to clean up their mess from the nite before. I explained washing dishes, sweeping and picking up stuff off the floor all over the house. I even made comments that it was unfair for them to have the radio on all nite, and be loud and obnixious, hoping they would get the point. I explained how serious this surgery was and what could happen if I did not take care of myself. They dismissed it and just kept playing their card game.

I have to threaten to kick these heatens out in order for them to put their glass in the sink. Their rooms are a mess, the whole house stinks, they are old enough to pick up after themselves and do their laundry. When I do complain enough about their laundry they do a lousy job and only wash what they need for the next day. I am sick of wet towels all over the place and picking up their rooms, doing their laundry, etc.... asking them to help is like getting blood from a turnip.

I explained how important it was for hubby and me to get rest especially since hubby leaves to jobs. (he is a oil field engineer and is on call 24/7 through his shift of 9 days on 3 days off. He is sometimes gone for days or for his whole shift). I even explained of how unfair it was for him not to get his rest and how we got more from him then him from us. The heathens and their friends stayed quiet all I heard was crickets in the nite.

I can not understand how these guys can cather to their friends and give them carte blanche of our house and frige.

Hubby is oblivious cause he makes comments of how the garage is dirty and the clothes are piling up and that the cat box stinks.

However, in turn I ask him to do something and I have to repeat myself several times or I just get fed up and do it myself then get the attitude. He is an example.....I asked hubby to get me stuff from the store he went but gave me attitude about it. I finally broke down and went to do groceries and had to bribe one of the heatens to go with me to push the cart around for me while hubby waited in the car. We got home and he was complaining how tired he was.

Yestarday(01/03/05) the heathens had a b-b-q with these so called friends. I told the heatens to let their friends know they needed to leave by 10pm. Well, they stayed unil 11pm. And guess who cleaned up the mess the next day? The good old maid(me).

The got home from school and I told them the neede to help me clean. They all went to sleep. I waited a while but I began to wash dishes and I just lost it!!! I broke all the dishes that were in the sink on the floor and boy did I let it rip!!! Told them I was tired of how they were treating me, they were old enough to clean up after themselves, etc.....again all you could hear in my house was crickets. Hubby was not in the middle of the battle field cause he is out on a job and will not be back til God knows when.

Either case I feel I am in the middle of a battle field and I am the last standing of my calvary and losing. I am at my witts end.

Ladies I am desparately seeking any advise that will wake the 4-heatens and 1-oblivious hubby up. Lord knows I have tried and have not been very successful at it.
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  #2  
Unread 01-04-2005, 08:24 PM
bless you

HI,
I can't solve your dilemma, but I can sure pray for you.
Some general thoughts; Do these dear heathens work? Do you pay for their fun? Sounds like they need to pay for their own fun and clean up after it, or it stops. And your hubby needs to make them do the work for you.
Bless your heart. You are doing way too much. If they are under your roof your rules should apply. But I know you know all this....I am so sorry you are having to put up with it. I don't think you should clean up after them no matter how bad it gets. But I understand things have to be done.
I am not in the same boat, my kids are younger, but I can only imagine how teenagers are!
You are in my prayers! I can just pray they will realize that you are important and that they need to get an attitude adjustment..
LCP
  #3  
Unread 01-04-2005, 08:34 PM
4-male heathans & 1-oblivious husband

Hi Sweety,
You poor thing, i feel so bad for you, and DH is sure not helping, it sounds to me like he is setting an example they are following quite well.

If I was in your shoes, I would be simply telling the three oldest, pitch in or get out!! Maybe a week in foster care would give the 16 and 15 year olds a good scare!! The 18 year old can get a job and find his own pad to destroy!! How is the 9 yo doing? Does he pitch in or is he following in his brothers footsteps?

I really wish I could come over and tune them in!! My 12 year old was absolutely incredible when I was recovering. He still is, I get the gripes and complaints but he does it!!

I am sending you huge hugs. You obviously know you are doing too much, and I wish I could help you in some way....

Hugs
Kat
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  #4  
Unread 01-04-2005, 08:45 PM
4-male heathans & 1-oblivious husband

I'll go ahead and be unpopular...

As Ann Landers would say, nobody can treat you like a doormat without your permission.
  #5  
Unread 01-04-2005, 08:56 PM
4-male heathans & 1-oblivious husband

Have to admit that I agree with Soini. It will be hard to change a pattern that has been going on for a long time, but it will be worth the effort. Get some professional help in learning how to change the pattern, since you obviously won't get any help from your DH.

Don't let the heathens do this to you. You deserve better!

  #6  
Unread 01-04-2005, 09:00 PM
4-male heathans & 1-oblivious husband

Oh my gosh! I know how teenagers can be, but this is downright disrespectful and hurtful!

I am so surprised with your hubby! You need him to take ahold of the reins and get these heathens in shape!
The only thing I can suggest is to threaten to hire a maid. If your older heathens work and they continue to leave the house in disarray, then demand their paychecks...this will go towards the maid that will come in and clean up after them! If your DH cannot get a grip on things, then give him the rates of local maid services in your area. At $15-$20 per hour or even more, it can get expensive...this might jolt them into action! Tell him you figure at the rate these mates are making messes, you'll need the maid service a couple of times per week!

Reinforce the fact that you CANNOT and WILL NOT do anything that resembles housework until you get the okay from your doctor otherwise you will end up in the hospital!

If your kids don't work, then any allowances they get will stop and will be put towards the maid.

How well do you know the parents of these heathens? I would make a few phone calls letting their parents know that you have just had major surgery and kindly ask that they explain to their kids that your house is off bounds for a while. Get their parents on your side. I know it is hard to tell teenagers what to do, but if the other parents know what is going on, they may be able to assist you.

I am sorry that you are going through all of this. It really is shocking to hear.

If all else fails, a good old mommy meltdown wouldn't hurt. Tell them in a fit of range (but don't hurt yourself) that if your house is not whipped into shape within 24 hours and you are not receiving some respect and compassion, you are checking yourself into a hotel and the heathens can fend for themselves!!! DH will freak out that not only do you have maids arranged, but there is a hotel bill with his name on it in his near future!

Sometimes a little force and a whole lot of threats get even the worst of heathens' rears in gear.

Let us know how everything goes!

BEST OF LUCK,

Sarah
xo
  #7  
Unread 01-04-2005, 09:32 PM
4-male heathans & 1-oblivious husband

I am so sorry you have to deal with this on top of your surgery.

This is what I would do if I were you...... Leave. Like someone said, go to a hotel. Go to a friends or a relatives if possible. Just get the heck out of there and let them fend for themselves. Tell them if and WHEN you come back, the place had better be clean, in order, and they better be ready to talk about rules and respect when you get back.

Again, as someone said, they are doing this and really continue because it gets let go. You might want to talk to your husband and tell him what is going on, and that you two are the parents and it is time to make some rules.

I do wish you good luck. It is so much easier for me to sit here and tell you what I would do in your situation than it would be for you to do it.

Please please please take care of yourself, and if you can't do it there, find somewhere that you can!

Andi
  #8  
Unread 01-04-2005, 11:08 PM
4-male heathans & 1-oblivious husband

i will be unpopular too, your home is how you make it. i was the oldest of 7 kids. my mother was not someone you messed with at all, you toed the line or you got out. i don't think you can fix this and heal at the same time. my advice is to do the minimum you need to function (wash enough dishes for you and the little one to eat), ignore the mess (keep a clean sanctuary for yourself that is off limits to the others), until you get better. Kick the guests out at whatever hour you need to. Your kids can stay or go with them!
  #9  
Unread 01-04-2005, 11:17 PM
4-male heathans & 1-oblivious husband

Im with Soini,
I have 4 little darlings of my own 18,16,15,and 12 all boys. and I truley believe in tough love, you need to send the 18 and 19 year old packing, I had to do that with my 18 year old shortly after he turned 18 because he didnt think he had to play by my rules anymore, a week later he came back with a whole new additude. I have made it a point to let the yonger ones see what I will tolerate with the oldest so it will just trickle on down the line. I have to ask you this, how much control did you have before this surgery?? Or are they that disrespectful to show no consideration for their mother? sounds like a scarry situation......
  #10  
Unread 01-05-2005, 01:00 AM
4-male heathans & 1-oblivious husband

I personally couldn't kick the older kids out while in recovery.

Not only are you worried about healing yourself, but I would be worried sick about how they were surviving, what they were getting into, who they were hanging out with?

Too much worry for me at this stage...it might be different if I was healthy and strong, both emotionally and physically. Why I'd help them pack!!

But not when I am trying to focus on me, and me alone.

Just my two cents...

Happy healing sisters,


Sarah
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