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4-male heathans & 1-oblivious husband 4-male heathans & 1-oblivious husband

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Unread 01-05-2005, 01:15 AM
clarification on 4-heathens & 1-oblivious husband

Thank you ladies for your advise. I've tried just about all those answers. You see......The 3-teens are from my 1st marriage he was cheating on me and was physically abusive, the marriage lasted on and off for 5-yrs., I finally woke up and agreed to his offer of divorce.

My little one is from my 2nd marriage that lasted 11-yrs., woke up and left him cause he was cheating on me and was emotionally abusive.

The teens were raised by my mom who passed away in 1998 here in CC. My teens were 11, 9, 8 & the younges was 3 at the time.

She took care of my teens from birth until her death. While I went to a university and worked 2 jobs from 86-87 had to drop out due to ex-hubby's abuse.

In 1989 when youngest of 3 teens was born mom and I left to Mcallen, TX. Met 2nd ex-hubby there got married had youngest son 1995, moved to Alice, TX long story short in late 1999 we separated & got divorced in early 2000 I remarried in 2001.

Ladies, I tried all the remedies you all have suggested. 18 yr old had foot sugery 12/10/04 and is out of work for another 3-4 weeks. He backs me up when it is convenient to him or he sees I am at the edge of wrath on their butts. 18 yr old calms them down for a spell. However, they do not listen very long they take him as a joke worse then me.

16 yr old quite job 4-mos ago has not been looking to hard. Youngest of teens will be 16 in January and is totally clueless.

I know when mom passed away I felt like I was inheriting 4-boys I did not know anything about. She was always the care giver I or when ex-hubby and I were together we both worked to support the house and make ends meet. When I was single I worked and went to school. I tried hard to learn of them and know who they were. It just seems I did not do a good enough job of studying them.

I tried the running away thing I did it for a week-end at a nearby hotel on the beach. Came home to a messier house then when I left and that is because current hubby was in charge.

These guys do not take anything I say or do seriously and believe it or not I am strick. When I say no it is no but, it looks like they just don't seem to truly care the respect is gone. I think they see me as a sister more than a mother. The only one that truly fears me is my 9 yr old cause I still take a switch to him when needed.

Hubby & I have thrown dirty clothes away after warning them if they do not do their laundry or pick up their room we would go in with a garbage bag and throw things away. We got rid of all their tv's and game systems. This did not phase them.

We don't give them allowance we made it very clear they are old enough to get jobs for their wants. We just supply the basics, food, clothing, roof & school.

They know the rules. They also seem to know when they have gone to far, then they cool down and behave for awhile and the cycle starts again.

They don't seem to understand the meaning of pick your friends wisely they are a reflection of you cause you became friends with them in the first place cause you had something in common like morals, goals or whatever. They seem to hang around with loosers guys that don't have goals much less know what they are.

They are lazy, self centered, arrogant and disresectful toward me and hubby. But, when it comes to everyone else they are the model children. All this excludes the 9-yr old he tries. Although sometimes he falls in with the bunch.

Sorry, I rambled on just had to vent. Again, I welcome any suggestions.

Thank you.
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Unread 01-05-2005, 01:25 AM
4-male heathans & 1-oblivious husband

Wow...that's intense.

I am speechless really.

I was going to suggest counselling but I doubt you could get them to go.

I feel for you terribly. :cry:

Instead of trying to fix them, which sounds impossible...maybe you need to seek some comfort by getting some help? Someone unbiased you could talk to, vent to, lean on?

Treat it as your time, that hour you have with a professional who has talked to others who have been through or going through this.

I can say, thankfully, that I am not having to go through what you are. But, if I was, I would want someone to talk to and someone who could guide me.

Hope it all works out for you.

Best wishes and I hope you can take the time to heal.

Unread 01-05-2005, 01:43 AM
4-heatens and 1-oblivious hubby, tried counseling

Ladies tried for 2 yrs. the counseling thought I was crazy.

All the different counceling sessions with different councelors. counceled the boys and me together and and individually at different times.

The counselors said I was lucky to have such well behaved and mannered boys.

Go figure.
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Unread 01-05-2005, 02:21 AM
4-male heathans & 1-oblivious husband

Have you thought about inviting all of your friends over and setting up camp in the kids' rooms for the night??
Leave dishes laying IN the bed.
Pull all of their clothes out the drawers and closets and toss them into piles on the floor.
What the heck, toss a sandwich or two into them and make sure you mash them up real good.
Blare YOUR kind of music on THEIR stereos. Better yet....sing karaoke!!!

Ok, I know you aren't going to do that, but it would be fun to watch just the same.

I have 3 teenaged boys (19, 18, and 16). I was also 13 years old when my baby brother was born and he was my real life baby doll. I spoiled him rotten, took him everywhere with me, showed him off, you name it.
But as we got older, I had to face the fact that he wasn't really a baby doll and I couldn't always be his best friend.
Same with my own children.

They aren't angels and never have been, but they know where the line is when it comes to respect for me or any other adult.

Last year, my middle one got expelled from school and thought he was going to have the easy life. WRONG. He had a job the next week and he kept that job. There was no way he was laying around my house enjoying his "vacation".
He was also made to pay rent to teach him responsibility.

It's hard to rein them in at any age, but your job is even more difficult because you didn't get an early start.
I feel for you. I really do.

I haven't seen your original post, but from this one alone, I see you really need to grind your heels and show some tough love. Otherwise it will only get worse.....and the older children are showing your youngest one the wrong way to go.
They gotta' shape up or ship out.

You really don't need this extra stress right now, though.
The best thing you can do is concentrate on your recovery and deal with the rest when you're able to do so.
Unread 01-05-2005, 07:42 AM
4-male heathans & 1-oblivious husband

The first thing I would do is print off the "FAQ's for Families". You can find that by clicking here .

Also go to this website: www.pelvicfloor.com but I want to warn you, and anyone else who may go there: it is very graphic!!! Then show your DH EXACTLY what you just had done! Explain to him that if you don't heal properly now that you will have problems down the road. Sit him down and tell him you are either going to have to go stay somewhere else for the next few weeks, and have a cleaning service in before you go back home, or he is going to have to help you get a handle on the immediate problems.

I agree that while you're recovering you can't take all the steps you need to regain the respect you deserve from your kids, but hopefully if you get your DH to understand how serious this is, he will do whatever he can to see that you get the rest that you need.

Best wishes.
Unread 01-05-2005, 08:00 AM
4-male heathans & 1-oblivious husband

It can be scary to confront the kids and your husband at the same time especially when your recovering from major surgery but think of this, are you doing yourself or your family any good by growing resentful?

I know I had to face a similar problem. I finally decided that I had enough and if my husband wanted me out because of my decisions then so be it. I knew I couldn't live with it anymore!

Thankfully he didn't and actually supported me. His problem was he doesn't like to confront anyone especially if that someone uses guilt trips.

Ultimately though it's up to you and the limits you are willing to live with.

All the best with your decisions.

Unread 01-05-2005, 05:18 PM
4-male heathans & 1-oblivious husband

I agree on going to pelvicfloor.com. Show these very graphic pictures to your heathens and Mr. oblivious.

I think they are used to taking you for granted and darlin' this is your only time to heal. You may have to have your doc talk to Mr. Oblivious.

My children were all very rude about helping me and making rude comments about my recovery time. Believe me the pictures from pelvic floor was an eye opener for them. My twins are thirty and the one that was supposed to take care of me went to the bar half an hour after I got home from hospital. The other one was busy thinking about the pain she might experience with the plastic surgery she was considering and my son (who's twenty) only mad a brief hospital visit. He was too busy with his work and moving to stop by the house!!

I think they are so used to us being strong and taking care of everything that it is impossible for them to consider pampering us. Atleast my boyfriend was very nice and sweet. Mr. Oblivious needs to have a long talk with those ****ed heathens and they all need to straighten up!!

I know it hurts 'cause we show our love by taking care of them. Your heathens have stepped over the line. I wish I could come over there!! I'd tell them a thing or two!!

Just take care of yourself. Maybe things will get so awful that they will notice. Just stay in your room and ignore them. They suck!!
Unread 01-05-2005, 05:29 PM
4-male heathans & 1-oblivious husband

I'll go one better than than the web site Pelvic Floor. Ask one or all --DH included--if they have ANY idea of what it feels like to have some of your innards pulled out, scrambled around and poked around in the shoved back in and sewed back up??.

When they all look blank , go for the nearest " volunteer" and grab their ' nads & squeeze!!!!. After they get up from passing out on the floor I think your point will be made!
Unread 01-05-2005, 06:59 PM
4-male heathans & 1-oblivious husband

Personally, I'd call the parents of your sons' friends and tell them that you just had major surgery and that you are not able to care their "children". I'd ask them to keep their sons away from your house until you feel up to picking up after them!

I am appalled that these parents would allow their kids to be at your house so soon after surgery. My kids' friends haven't been here much because their parents won't let them come!
Unread 01-06-2005, 08:45 AM
4-male heathans & 1-oblivious husband

I agree with the latest two replies. Angie, that's a great idea about calling the parents. Maybe they don't even know you've had surgery??!!!

I snickered at the gnad grabbing idea. I seriously thought about that one myself when my stepson came to visit for Christmas and took up my next on the couch with his "headcold" that made it impossible for him to help with cooking or any other chores, but he was still able to go out at night and come home to watch television until all hours of the night. Luckily, his dad, my boyfriend, finally- for the first time since I've known them spoke up for me. ****ed spoiled brats!! They are just selfish and need to learn!!

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