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Unread 01-11-2005, 08:59 AM
Latest Rude Comments

I am at five weeks and healing well. Every day, I walk my dogs a bit further to increase my stamina. I live in a small town where everybody knows everybody.

The other day, I was walking by a "friend's" house and she came out to say hi. She said "I guess you are back to normal, now". I told her not and she said "what's the problem"? I explained that it just takes a long time, that I haven't been released from the doctor's care yet and that it is going to take my bladder repair even longer than the TVH. She said that with her knee surgery the first week was the hardest. You know, I wanted to yell, "Well, they didn't remove your $%^&@ knee". I just replied that the first week I was drugged, so don't remember much about that and went on my way.

Had another "friend" call the other day to say that she wanted to have a get together that she was going to call "It's all better now" for me , another lady that had hyst, a lady who's life mate committed suicide two years ago and some others who had experienced challenges that she had "helped". I had to e-mail her and tell her I wasn't coming because I wasn't all better yet and our friend who lost her life mate will never be all better. Who is she to think she is the judge of when we should be all better. By the way, her "help" involved thinking she should sit with my DH waiting during surgery. He said she never asked him and found her extremely irritating. She called me every day and if I would try to relate to how I was feeling, she would somehow turn it into being about her. She thought I should come to her house for a sauna at a week out. Can you imagine how fast that would have made me faint!!! At two weeks she wanted to drink Scotch and play cards!!

As I've said before-this really sorts out who your real friends are and one thing I've really noticed is that I don't hold back telling people what I think.

I'm glad for this safe place full of sisters !!
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Unread 01-11-2005, 09:19 AM
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Hi 5152,
Doncha just love small towns??? Everyone knows everything and oh my goodness did you hear about so and so.....And you know that a sauna is just what you need at 1 week, even though you cannot have bathes, and what is wrong with scotch and sitting up for 5 hours in week 2.

Man those ladies tick me off.

Hang in there, maybe not answering the phone when she calls might help her get the hint. I am so sorry to hear about the lady who lost her husband, that must be hell to go through.

When you are up to it, I would plan a party for her, and maybe you can collect some donations from the neighbors, to buy her something or just give her to help her live. But dont budge on your restricitons!! You have my complete sympathy!! Hugs to you
Unread 01-11-2005, 10:12 AM
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Good job! Nothing like educating people first hand, or is it like shouting into a well? That was a great email you sent - well deserved. I guess the totally clueless are easily forgiven, OTOH, the recovery experts need to be hit over the head with a 2 x 4

I'm getting that same question (past few weeks) - and from EVERYBODY. I just tell them I have a Doc appointment coming up to get checked out. Which is true, but it shuts them up.

Be well, my sister - however long it takes!

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Unread 01-11-2005, 10:20 AM
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I'm coming up on 4 weeks, and whenever my DH sees me puttering (which is about my limit these days) he says, "she's back, she's back!"

I keep reminding him that I am not truly "back" and may not be until summer...

Meanwhile my DD and DS have REALLY picked up the slack... It's amazing what a little guilt associated with a hospital visit will do....

My bio-sister is the one who thinks I should be doing more physically, and she's a nurse!!
Unread 01-11-2005, 04:05 PM
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Hey girls...

It's amazing how some people can be soooo rude. Do they actually hear what is coming out of their mouths????

My brother-in-law is the same way. "So, Sarah," he says. "Up and around now...back in the ol' sack...getting back to the wifely duties?" URG!!!

I explained to him that getting your uterus and cervix cut out, having your intestines and bowels fondled and your bladder bruised takes a little longer that three ****ing weeks to get over! I said, " I really wish guys had a uterus and endure what we go through!!!" They would be absolute babies...

We truly are the stronger species!! And it is true we find out who our true friends are. I thought I had some truly terrific gal pals, but havent' seen or heard from the majority of them during my recovery. It's sad, but it is something I am glad I learned.

Best of luck in your recovery girls...don't let the uncivilized bother you! There are always a couple in the bunch that have no class!

Unread 01-11-2005, 04:26 PM
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I just don't want to hear one more person tell me about their C-section. Do you ever just want to scream IT'S NOT THE SAME THING!
Unread 01-11-2005, 04:28 PM
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It can be disheartening, but don't let what other people say or do, affect you so personally (I know it's hard not to).

Here are some situations I've experienced over my troubled reproductive (or lack of) history & even now after my hyster.

* Friends that are still trying for a baby (or wish to have more), that have difficulties falling pregnant (and maybe have recently succeeded) or who have recently fallen pregnant by accident - May avoid you because they feel it would be unfair for them to "be around" you... they may feel they'd be "insensitive" by reminding you of what (they may see as) you've lost.

* Friends that have recently had a baby, may have the same feelings as those that are recently pregnant. Any that may have been pregnant but miscarried may not feel up to discussing it with you either, since they may feel that (as they see it) your loss is permanent and "crying on your shoulder" about a miscarriage may be hurtful to you.

* Friends that make a humorous comment about "wifely duties" & getting "back in the sack" are usually male, and they cannot comprehend how anyone can handle having such huge surgery done to "private parts" - They can't say "I know how you feel". It is not a male thing (unless it's a SO or DH) to ask a woman "How are things 'down there'?"... many are genuinely concerned (as well as curious) but really also feel it is in the TMI (too much information) basket.

* Friends that try to throw parties, organise get togethers, and say things like "all better yet"? (in a way that sounds like they assume you should be), are usually people who don't want to know the intimate details as it sounds painful.... however they also feel that if it were them that had the operation, they would be very depressed, so they want to make sure you feel "happy" (they just aren't sure how to go about it, and usually don't succeed ).

There are some people who try to turn the conversations around to be about them (or their operations & hardships)... these people fit into two categories:

1) They worry that if you keep "feeling sorry for yourself" (ie: they allow you to whine on about it too long) you won't do anything to help yourself recover. Thinking Positive is a huge step towards recovery.

2) They are very insecure, and when someone else isn't feeling well that someone else is getting more attention than them (which makes them feel left out).

Good luck understanding other people - it's not an easy thing to learn
Heal well, think positive, and recover at your own pace, with Pride!

Yesterday is History
Tomorrow is a Mystery
Today is a GIFT
That is why it is called the Present
Unread 01-11-2005, 05:57 PM
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I've been getting a lot of "I'm so glad your all better now" from many friends and coworkers who call to ask how I'm doing but really only want you to say "I'm terrific". If they don't hear that they go ahead and assume it . Despite what I say they end with "as long as everything is alright I guess we'll see you soon". I try to be understanding and realize that they are uncomfortable and by implying that you are "all better" makes them feel better. Sometimes I think they are trying to comfort themselves more than me. Depending on my day, sometimes I have more understanding than other days. At least we have each other, great support here. Thanks again.
Unread 01-11-2005, 08:47 PM
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I hear you about the c section thing. I HAD a c-section. and i'm here to tell you IT AIN'T THE SAME THING. I have a cousin who is pregnant with twins. She was talking about how when she has her c-section she will be going through the same thing as me.

I'm like..... well...... I thought that they would be similar... but THEY AREN'T!!

go figure..........
Unread 01-11-2005, 10:14 PM
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When anyone makes a comment about their c-section being the same as a TAH, I just laugh and say, "I wish that had been the case - I'd have killed for it to be as easy!" Same thing when they refer to other surgeries and how easy recovery is from lap procedures. To that one I say, "That's what I used to think until I had a major surgery. I learned the hard way how wrong I was!" Add a laugh for emphasis!

Fortunately, most of the people I've been around "have a clue" so I haven't had to resort to those comments very much. In fact most of them couldn't believe that I wouldn't take the maximum amount of time off from work. I've been fortunate for the amount of empathy I've received!

When someone says that I'm doing better, I agree saying it gets better every week and add "the doctor says I only have (x-amount of time) left in my initial recovery time."

There's always a way to get around the turkeys! Refuse to let anyone get to you during this process!

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