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Frustrated with dh with lack of help with kids Frustrated with dh with lack of help with kids

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Unread 01-25-2005, 10:39 PM
Frustrated with dh with lack of help with kids

I just really need to vent here. Any ideas on how to tackle this would be greatly appreciated.

I had a TVH and anterior/posterior repair on the 12th.

I have two girls, one almost three and the other 9 months.

I had my MIL over to help dh carry baby around and care for my other daughter while I recovered, and also during that long no-lifting period.

Well MIL left two days ago for a break and she's coming back tomorrow (thankfully!).

Before she left I confided in both her and dh that I was scared that he was going to make me feel guilty asking for help all the time.

WELL, in the past two days I have been having to LIFT my 20+ lb baby and care for them and do odd cleaning around the house. I am most definintely NOT healed, I am still bleeding a lot, esp. after a lot of movement.

The final straw was today when (sorry if TMI) I had to have a bm, and those really, really hurt me. I was fine in the morning, but then when I had to go to the bathroom it just completely winded me with the pain and I just became soooo exhausted. I laid on the couch for a while then told dh I was taking a nap. Two hours later he comes in and starts guilt tripping me, saying that my 3 year old is saying "mommy's bad", etc. for me being in here sleeping. ***?? He said he didn't know what to tell her, and that I should be out there interacting with them. WHAT HAPPENED TO HAVING A NAP? AND I JUST HAD SURGERY LESS THAN TWO WEEKS AGO!!!!

I am just so angry and resentful and hurt with dh. Most importantly I feel less important as a person. That my health and healing is not important enough.

Oh yeah and then he complained that his arm hurt so I said "great! now neither of us can carry allyse!!!"


BC Canada
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Unread 01-25-2005, 10:57 PM
Frustrated with dh with lack of help with kids

Dear Dear Dear Robby.....I'm soooooo sorry.

This is a surgery that IS MAJOR......perhaps you should have your DH read something about it....what they have to do, what you go through,etc. (or maybe he should call my boss...they seem to think the same way) LOL.

Anyway....this is YOUR TIME TO HEAL....IT TAKES 6 WEEKS NO LESS!!!!!!!! take care of youself and thank goodness you have your MIL to be there!
Unread 01-25-2005, 11:00 PM
Frustrated with dh with lack of help with kids

Go to "CHECKPOINTS" at the top and print each one out. When you are at that stage, post it right where he can see it, make him read it and tell him if you do more than is allowed, you'll just be out of commission even longer!!!

With little ones, I don't know how you do it! I just had myself to take care of and that was plenty!! Maybe suggest a quiet game or playing with them "nearby", maybe you on the couch, them on the floor, but I know those ages and they're tough!

Good Luck,
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Unread 01-25-2005, 11:11 PM
Frustrated with dh with lack of help with kids

I know exactly how you feel. I had a LAVH-BSO on a Wednesday. I came home from the hospital on Friday and my DH went back to work on Tuesday. I had my two kids to care for with no help. A four year old and a 1 year old. I took care of them all day while DH was working and it was really tough. I was lifting my 1 year old about a week after surgery. She is about 23 pounds. But I really had no choice. Who was going to take care of my kids for six weeks while I healed. My family lives here but they all work. I am still battling fatigue. My husband understands that I am tired but sometimes I still get the guilt for napping all the time. They just don't understand. And I don't think they ever will. Hugs to you.


LAVH-BSO on 12-15-2004 for endometriosis
Unread 01-26-2005, 05:34 AM
Frustrated with dh with lack of help with kids

you husband shure does know what to tell a three year old when she says mommies bad!
it is "no mommie is not bad, she is hurt really really bad, we need to be good to her so she can get better."
and the truth never hurts and a three year old is not too young for the truth. I have been incvolved with the childrens hospital in BC. the child psychiatry department, and i have also been a nanny for about 15 years and three children of my own. i am not an expert but as a fellow mom -
I can tell you, there is nothing more understanding in a three year old than when she knows her mommie really loves her but is just too hurt to be avaliable right now.
It is up to your husband to portray you and your condition in the right way.
since he is not helping her deal very well with the change in her life call her up and tell her yourself.
"I need you to be a very big girl right now, and help daddie, cause mommie has big boo boos in her tummy. The doctor put a big sticking plaster on them, and i cant play or it might come off"
children usually understand sticking plasters.
the importance here is to reach the childs understanding. tell her she has help look after you, she could show you a book ect.
but when mommie says its rest time, its rest time cause mommie can feel the sticking plaster is starting to come off. and after your rest if you do feel better tell her "im getting better" everything is fine as long as mommie is quiet. and i will get a little better every friday. (friday will help her track your recovery you can look on the calander it will also help her to understand that tomorrow you will not be all better that this is long ect..

I hope you do feel better soon, children can bring us joy and really hurt our feelings, and if we let them they can have some real wild idears.
as long as you tell her the truth you love her , you will get better everything should be fine. and if your husband hears your talk it wouldent hurt him either.
take care im really thinking of you
Unread 01-26-2005, 05:42 AM
Frustrated with dh with lack of help with kids

omg this is nearly as bad as the way i was treated by my soon to be ex hubby!!a lady at my gyms hubby walked out after 27 years of marriage cos he "couldnt cope with her!!" after her hysterectomy!! they're now back together but she says deep down she will never be able to forgive him or rely on him ever again!!what makes these men so selfish and manilpulative?
Unread 01-26-2005, 06:24 AM
so sorry

I am so sorry you are going through this extra grief right now. You have received some very practical advice here, to talk to your daughter yourself at a level she can understand and ask for her help and compassion.

Just remember just because your DH says or thinks something, it doesn't make it true. It is his opinion and he can't get inside of you and know how you feel. I think having the whole family look at each Friday as a day to look forward to you feeling a little better is a pretty good one. Measures progress by the week rather than by the day. It is not going to be that long before you are able to take care of your kids-

Here is an extra and some :
Unread 01-26-2005, 07:03 AM
Frustrated with dh with lack of help with kids

I am so sorry that you have to deal with this while you are trying to recover. Do you have any friends that have children that stay home with them? Maybe you can enlist them to babysit during the day a few days a week which will also give MIL a break as well.
I strongly agree that you need to click on checkpoints at the top of the page and print out the do's and don'ts according to your postop time and put it where he can see it, like on the fridge or on the pillow or bathroom mirror. He has to learn what you are going through....I mean does he think that your MIL is just there for the heck of it?
He will not be any better until he truly understands. I also agree to talking to your DD yourself and explain that mommy's tummy hurts and it needs to rest a lot to make it better.
Unread 01-27-2005, 12:18 AM
Frustrated with dh with lack of help with kids

Thank you all ...... You are all so wonderful. What he said angered and hurt me. Today is a better day for me and next time I will be more assertive that my recovery is more important and for him to use his brain when it comes to answering questions from his daughter.

Thanks again
Unread 01-27-2005, 12:47 AM
Frustrated with dh with lack of help with kids


Many go out to you for bing as calm as you seem to be. I would have been outraged. I'm a mother of four, 14, 5, 3, and 21 months, and I know how much help is needed. It's a must have.

I totally agree with mist. She gave you great advice as well as the rest of the ladies.

The only added advice I can give is: TELL HIS MOMMY!
Surely she can knock some since into him. (a frozen loaf of bread works geat! LOL!)

Good luck, I'm saying a prayer for you


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