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Oh, WHAT fun (this is NOT how the plan was supposed to go!)! Oh, WHAT fun (this is NOT how the plan was supposed to go!)!

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Unread 01-30-2005, 09:11 PM
Oh, WHAT fun (this is NOT how the plan was supposed to go!)!

Ya know, I was thinking that all this alleged "pampering" I was going to be getting was going to be wonderful. Time to think again! My husband has now started letting things go all over the house. My son's dirty clothes are in a stack ten feet high. My doc won't give me morphine for the pain anymore (I'm a little over a week out). Instead, it's .... VICOPROFEN! That's like chewing a caramel or something. NO pain relief. I can't drive, of course. My husband made Sloppy Joes for himself and our son last night and I thought I was going to hurl from the smell. Every odd smell sends me into fits! So now, it's the Family Guilt Trip. My husband took off last week for my surgery and 1st week recovery, etc. He goes back to work tomorrow. SO - my gramma gets my son daily, except Tuesdays and Thursdays, for the next four weeks. I have no mom - she died while I was pregnant, and there are no in-laws. No sibs, either. So basically, even though I love her to DEATH, it's been this huge guilt trip thing with her about how this is REALLY disrupting her life but she'll make it SOMEHOW! I want to scream, but it would hurt my tummy too much. The way I'm looking at it, I have about a week (as opposed to four) before it all hits the fan and I'm back to taking care of my rambunctious toddler. No one seems to understand I had MAJOR surgery. It took me a while to understand it, myself, but now that I do, bed is where I belong! Has anyone else gone through this with family? Please let me know what I can do to stay sane while I'm supposed to be "resting!" Thanks! Insanity is beckoning!!!
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Unread 01-30-2005, 09:31 PM
Oh, WHAT fun (this is NOT how the plan was supposed to go!)!

I'm not eloquent, like Dear Abby, so I will keep it simple. This time is all about YOU, and you deserve this time to heal! Stand your ground and insist that you be given sufficient time to heal, because you only get one chance to do it right. Otherwise, you may end up on extended down time, trying to heal from complications. Turn a deaf ear to guilt trips. Everyone is probably used to being pampered by you, but they will have to get over it during this time. Hugs to you. Stay strong!!
Unread 01-30-2005, 09:40 PM
Oh, WHAT fun (this is NOT how the plan was supposed to go!)!

My advice: DON'T BE SHY. Set your boundaries with your DH and son. Also, call friends and neighbors and TELL them what you need. This is about you and your recovery.

I have never been very good about asking for help, but my SO began an affair at the time of my biopsies, so by the time my surgery rolled around, I asked for help from everyone because I couldn't trust that he'd be there for me. Even his sister came from out of state to help me.

Ask for help. You need to heal. I still ask my neighbors for help like pulling the garbage can/recycling bin out for me. And I ask friends to drive if we are going on a long trip since I tire easily (and I'm 9+ weeks out).

My friends and neighbors all knew what I was going through with my SO (we still share a home, believe it or not), and they said they'd be here for me. Yet they all have busy lives and would not check in sometimes. So I forced myself to call them when I needed something and they always came through. They just needed me to ask for what I needed; and I needed to have the courage to make the ask.

Wishing you a great recovery!

Take care,
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Unread 01-30-2005, 09:57 PM
Oh, WHAT fun (this is NOT how the plan was supposed to go!)!

I feel your pain and know exactly how you feel. Our surgery date is the same. My family (husband and parents) seem to think that I should be back to doing all my regular chores. I have had 2 c-sections and have always bounced back fairly quickly but this one is way different!!!! Im hurtin.

While I am soposed to be the one resting my DH was complaining that he cant wait till I was better so he could sleep in...well he must think that I am better cause today he didnt get out of bed till 12:30. In the mean time I was up with the kids (7 months and 4 years) and dogs. Trying to get breakfast, give a bottle, let dogs outside, dress barbie, give baths and so on. The more time went on the more mad I got. I am just ready to scream. Im sooo frustrated. As of tuesday my mother-in-law will not be comming to help either. So then I have to get my daughter ready for school, get both kids in the car and in their car seats, and drive to the bus stop. Then do the same to get her off the bus, fix dinner, give baths, yadda yadda yadda.

Im sorry to rant but I feel your pain and frustration. I dont feel im ready to take on all of this and I dont think you should either!!!
How do we make them understand??? :cry:
Unread 01-30-2005, 10:42 PM
Oh, WHAT fun (this is NOT how the plan was supposed to go!)!

I hear ya! I have two big (6'2"- he's almost 22 and 6'1" - he's 19) around, as well as DH , whom I still love with all of my heart even though his gestures of "help" are basically asking me, "Dear, did that hurt?", "Don't do that, you'll hurt yourself", or "How are you feeling, hon?"

Sympathy and/or compassion doesn't get the clothes washed or the dishes done, though. I guess that they are just so used to having me as their "life facilitator" (a title I bestowed on myself since I haven't been working), that it's a hard habit to kick.

Sistersong, I can't complain too much, because I don't work outside the home right now. I'd say take FULL advantage of any offers of help, because I'll bet they were made sincerely.

Get better and God bless!
Unread 01-30-2005, 10:57 PM
Oh, WHAT fun (this is NOT how the plan was supposed to go!)!


The last thing I want to do is come across as rude, but it seems that all of your posts are about you wanting to do more than you actually can at this time. All I can say is take advantage of it! All you're going to do is hurt yourself and you should very well know that by now.

My house isn't in the "shape" it should be either, but you know what...that's fine! I'm not about to over exert myself over some dirty dishes in the sink or dog hair on the floor...it's not worth it. As far as your hubby cooking...at least he's doing it...mine ate fast food for 2 weeks. At least you got help from your DH for a week....mine took the day of my sugery off and had to go right back. Not to mention he works 12 hours per day, 6 days a week.

Again, I don't want to be rude, but I think you're making too much of everything....be thankful for this time to heal, be thankful you at least were able to HAVE a child, be thankful your DH took a full week off....some of us have it a lot worse than you.
Unread 01-31-2005, 12:08 AM
Oh, WHAT fun (this is NOT how the plan was supposed to go!)!

Take the time to heal or you may regret it forever.

Do what you absolutely must do but examine what are your absolutes. How about asking a neighbor that has a child to take your daughter to wait on the bus?

I bought tons of canned and frozen foods so that DH could do the cooking and when I was able to cook it was just minor stuff like making sure stuff didn't burn.

Lots of housework slid while I have been recovering but I will clean it eventually. In the meantime I spend time with my family and enjoy my freetime.
Unread 01-31-2005, 12:17 PM
Oh, WHAT fun (this is NOT how the plan was supposed to go!)!

I so completely understand! I had my tah, lso, 1/17/05. I've been home alone with 3kids since day 7 and it is hard. Two older kids are not a problem to care for but fight constantly and if asked to do anything fight over who has to do it. My 3 yr old is into everything and requires my constant attention which is difficult when you're still so sore and tired. I am lucky to have had my dh help me the first few days before returning to work ( I told him to take his vacation that week if that was what it took for him to be home a few days, that i needed the help!)

My mother told me yesterday that it has been 3 weeks since my surgery and that i should be healed by now; it was 2 weeks today and though i wish i were, No I am not healed. I still have lots of tummy pains, bladder trouble, constipation, am afraid I've hurt my healing belly from having suddenly lifted 3yo off 11yo when he was hurting her as well as doing other things that I probably shouldn't do but there are times when i have no choice since i have no help.

Just wanted you to know, I understand your frustration! Feel better soon!
Unread 01-31-2005, 02:14 PM
Oh, WHAT fun (this is NOT how the plan was supposed to go!)!

s to you all....

I had a great support system w/dh and my mom...but...I learned that the dust can sit....If they get hungry enough, they'll find something to eat....they can either wear dirty clothes or do the wash....

Is there a church group or some type of women's group you are affilitated with? You might be able to get some help via that route. My SS class was very good about bringing us meals. Bottom line is....no one can help you out if you do not ask. Ask around....I'm sure there is someone close by who wouldn't mind to lend a hand. If finances permit, hire someone to come and clean your house once/week.

Above all....don't overdo. You are important and only have one chance to heal correctly. This is major, major surgery....that take a long time to heal on the inside...

I'm thankful that I didn't have this surgery while married to the ex....He had me moving furniture w/in a week of having gall bladder surgery....jerk. Some men just don't understand.

Please do what you need to do and ask others for help...

Unread 01-31-2005, 05:50 PM
Oh, WHAT fun (this is NOT how the plan was supposed to go!)!

Hey there...

I am sorry you feel frustrated and upset.

It is very hard for us moms to let things go and take care of ourselves for a change. BUT, really....this is something that is necessary. Doctor's orders.

You say you have help for your child from your grandmother three days a week. That is good! Take advantage of that. Never mind if the grandmother is grumbling about it. It's her grandchild for pete's sake! She offered...take it! Thank her very much for what she is doing and that you appreciate her taking time out of her life to help you with your recovery. Tell her when you are up and around, you will take her out for lunch as a token of your gratitude. Usually, "sugar" works better than "vinegar" in these cases.

As for DH. He sounds like he is trying his best. Your child is getting fed. The laundry and the house may not be up to speed, but that's okay. Once there are no clean clothes left to wear, DH will have to do some wash! Try to let it all go. As long as your child seems happy, fed and has a bath once and a while...things are good!

If the dinners and cooking are causing you to be nauseated, maybe head to the bedroom or another place of the house where the odors are not so strong. Light a scented candle, dim the lights, get under a nice, cozy comforter and curl up with a juicy magazine or book. Once dinner is over and cleaned up, you can return.

Try to let it all go if you can. You really have no choice. I voiced my concerns about the house, the laundry, the bathrooms, the schedules of the kids etc. and found that when I did that, it just raised the stress level of everyone involved.

I learned to accept how my DH and kids were managing on their own and I was as quiet as a mouse about it all. Didn't say a word. Sometimes, they forgot I was around and in a way, that was good, because they ended up managing without me!

Try to cope as best as you can, get as much help from friends and neighbours if you can and trust that your DH and Grandma will do their best under the circumstances.


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