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Help family is not helping out Help family is not helping out

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Unread 02-06-2005, 05:36 AM
Help family is not helping out

I am frustrated to no end!
My hubby took 8 days off too help me care for the kids and chores.
He did pretty good with kids but Do you know what he did with most of his time off he played with the new toy he got for the kids a playstation 2.
He plays it more then the kids!!!

He did dishes 1 time! I had to drag myself to the sink and hand wash half the dishes(no dishwasher) I got worn out before I could finish.I have done them 1 more time got half done and within hrs they had them dirty again.I can't even get caught up some.
No one has vacuumed!
The kids where at 1st doing good taking trash out,picking up toys,Doing normal chores and extra now that I'm starting wk 2 they have stopped doing anything and if I get them to do some thing it is a big fight and I have to threat to take away playstation or computer time.

Hubby went back to work Friday and next day off is Monday.
I know he goes in at 4am gets off at noon and is tired and wants to relax and I try to give him time before I start asking him to get up and help and get the kids helping but after a bit I ask then ask again then i start nagging then begging then screaming and till i give up and next thing I know he is asleep and nothing is done.

I have been feeling better and went out Saturday did some running around and still felt pretty good but wiped out.
I tried to pick up toys and do other stuff but bending hurts my belly area and sometimes i feel like something rips open when i twist a certain way.
I was up and moaning everytime I tried to pick something up and all of them just sat there could hear me and did not a darn thing.

Help any suggestions on how to get them to understand I need HELP!!!

Please i am ready to just have screaming crying temper fit.
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Unread 02-06-2005, 06:35 AM
Help family is not helping out

First of all I sympathise - it shows how much that we do is taken for granted.

The rest rule is given for a reason and he is breaking his side of the bargain.

I too assigned the shopping and washing to my husband. I had to intervene too but not compromising my recovery.

It turned into a row which involved his mother and mine by phone. He has been better since but it isn't good enough that men are too laid bad to do some simple household jobs without being told/asked over and over.

I would hide the playstation in a very secret place until he has learnt some manners. Who else gets away with playing all day - even though he works, we work much longer hours even if we are a SAHM.

Changes like operations do reveal marital problems, because you ended up doing the chores before it wasn't an issue.

He should have been helping around the house pre op and certainly should now.

As to what to say to him. Lose the playstation and have a family conference. Write in advance what is bugging you and calmly and rationally state your rightful gripes. Treat it like a meeting he would have at work. The trouble with men is you have to talk their language to be understood.

One thing, losing my ovaries has done is stop me from being too overemotional - overemotion makes them turn off. I am able to be clear and strong in my delivery without it seeming aggressive or naggy.

You won't be recovering forever and if things don't improve after a rational and clear discussion, I would question whether my marriage to him is worth it.
Unread 02-06-2005, 06:38 AM
Help family is not helping out

If I may add something else.

I would not do anything that is forbidden during your recovery.

I would do nothing - this would show him what you do.

Remember they can't go hungry forever and they will run out of clothes.

It is harsh but it matters that a partner/husband does his share of the chores anyway, more so at this time.

Would you take this behaviour from someone you worked with?
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Unread 02-06-2005, 06:55 AM
Help family is not helping out

The bottom line is that men will never know what women go through to keep a home running and clean. I always telll my husband that I don't get a day off, while I no longer work outside the home I still feel like I have a 24 hours a day 7 days a week job. I live at work!!! LOL... My husband has a very demanding job so he could not really take off but he has worked from home for the past 10 days he he has helped so much. He cooks and cleaned the kitchen, he has taken the dog out and been at my beck and call. The best thing my husband let me do was hire a cleaning lady to come in once a week until I feel that I am back to normal. My selfish 13 year old daughter has to be bullied into doing anything and even then she does a half *** job. Like if she does the dishes she leaves the sink nasty and does not clean it out. Little things like that bug me so much. My house has only been vacumed once in 10 days and that's when the cleaning lady came. She comes again this week I can't wait. I usually vacume at least every other day. In my hubby's defence he is putting up a fence in our backyard this weekend. We built a new house so it was not fenced, I told him that I did not think I would be able to take the dog out and possibly have to run after her when he goes back to work, so he hired a guy to come this weekend and help put a nice whit vinly fence up. They are doing a great job
!!! I feel like I have the most wonderful husband in the world but he will never understand why it's important to me to have the house as clean as I like it, nor will he ever understand that it's a 7 days a week job.
That's ok all the mess that does get neglected will still be there when I recover waiting on me! If you can get a cleaning person to come in, even once or twice. Last week when they came to clean my house it was so wonderful.... My shower was clean and the bathrooms, she even did the dishes that were left in my sink. After she left I told my husband I wish she could just live with us while I recover!
Unread 02-06-2005, 07:36 AM
Help family is not helping out

I was lucky my DH took off 2 weeks... I had a very detailed list of who goes where and at what time (3 kids). He cleaned and vacuumed but said after the 3rd day that he had the utmost respect for me as I am a SAHM before my surgery but if he had to do my job for real he would be in the WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM (meaning he would have runaway) LOL.
My suggestion... PAPER PLATES & CUPS.....and learn to look away..your recovery is not forever and these weeks are very important that you don't over do it. Like suggested before don't do the house work and let them see just how serious your surgery is. My mom told me like they tell the boxers when the get hit.. STAY DOWN.... once you are vertical kids seem to think "oh mom's back to herself". Please take it easy...


SAH/LSO 1/14 Adenomyosis, flibroids and polups
Unread 02-06-2005, 07:47 AM
Help family is not helping out

Rest yourself and don't overdo. My house hasn't been vacuumed since a day before my surgery 1/11. I figure I am not going to over do. We have a dish washer, so that is a big help. Paper plates and cups are a good idea if you don't have one. I do alot of looking the other way. My h could only take one day off of work. I am lucky my kids are grown and the mess is just mine and my h's. Take care of yourself, you've just been through alot.
Unread 02-06-2005, 09:28 AM
Help family is not helping out

I too would have the family meeting. Make copies of the checkpoints do's and don't. Post one on the fridge and on the bathroom mirror. If you have to have the doctor tell your husband that if you continue to overdo things you could possibly end up back in the hospital.....$$$$ say good bye to that.

I can relate to the playstation thing. Only mine is playing on the computer. My parents have taken on the task of delivering my oldest d to and from school and helping with homework ...but Nan's very easy to manipulate "NO Nan I don't HAVE to read tonight" Yeah whatever.
I just keep looking the other way. Her father never offered to keep her during this time......he has a new baby at home and not getting any sleep.......welcome to the real world I told him. GRR

My husband has been actually very wonderful. He has done laundry, made school lunches, bathed the 3 yr old, done her nebulizers and other meds(she has a chronic lung disease) so she has medical issues of her own.
Hubby has tried to cook. He can but mostly grilling cold to do that. I suppose that is mine and his mother's fault for spoiling him with cooking for the past 10 yrs. My mother has cooked for us some but she figures that keeping my kids coming and going is enough. My mother in-law has made breakfast for us everyday. Home made biscuits yummy.
I did have friends bring dinner ......only twice.....oh well.

I agree.....they will eventually get hungry and have no clothes. It is hard to look the other way. BUT....if they see you WILL do it then they WILL NOT. Hide in the bedroom. If you need to get a heating pad out and put it on your head for a few min. Tell you hubby you think you have a fever....have him feel your

Good luck and hang in there.
Unread 02-06-2005, 10:58 AM
Help family is not helping out

My honey and some good friends were great, but my grown daughters were awful at first. They are 30 year old twins and had said many times before the surgery that they were going to do everything.

Well...the one that was going to stay with me went to the bar about twenty minutes after I got home from surgery. Later, she said she just couldn't stand seeing her strong mom in pain. Hey!! her strong mom couldn't stand it either!! The other one got possessed with a facial scar that she has and didn't have time with talking to the plastic surgeon, etc.

One sister here recommended pelvic so that we could use some very graphic pictures to explain the surgery. I made copies of that and gave them to my daughters and my 21 year old son. It did the trick. After seeing the pictures they all helped a bunch more!!

We do everything and they just don't know how to handle it when we can't!!
Unread 02-06-2005, 11:13 AM
Help family is not helping out

The pelvic floor website and the check points did it for my DH. He read them before my surgery and was a saint immediately following. I think they scared the heck out of him.
Unread 02-06-2005, 11:27 AM
Help family is not helping out

I agree with everything said here so far and especially like the one about putting a heating pad on you head for a bit then telling DH you think you might have a fever!

My DH has been great in taking care of me (most important) but not very good with the housework. He's doing a good job with laundry each week with very little instruction now and this morning he actually started it without me saying a word. I gave him a ton of praise and hope it goes a long way!

The kitchen is a mess and we haven't vacuumed since right before my surgery 1/12. The bathrooms haven't been cleaned either (YIKES!) although I feel up to doing the sink areas and maybe toilets myself today (thank heavens DS is grown and on his own and it's just the 2 of us!) BUT I refuse to tackle the shower at this point (too much bending and stretching! It's getting tougher each day to keep my cool, but I'm not going to jepardize my recovery for house work!!

I know it's gross and difficult to do, but JUST LOOK THE OTHER WAY for now! It's not worth ruining a good recovery!

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