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Help family is not helping out Help family is not helping out

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Unread 02-06-2005, 12:15 PM
Help family is not helping out

Do you have any friends to call in? They are my saving grace. I am 5 weeks with a TAH. Besides friends - I hired somone to clean the house. It was worth every dime.
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Unread 02-06-2005, 02:47 PM
Pelvic Floor .com

My first post here but just want to say THANKS for whoever posted the PelvicFloor website. The photos are amazing.
I had TVH and utherea tape and could not figure out how they did that. So good to actually see what happened to my body.
I can relate to the 13 year old daughter. MIne was so sweet and helpful for 2 days, now she grudginly helps out, if I insist. DH has been wonderful.
Brenda. 9 days post op, age 45, Seattle

p.s. sure wish I found this site BEFORE my surgery. A quilting website I belong to told me of it.
Unread 02-06-2005, 07:42 PM
Help family is not helping out

You cannot truly control what they do, but you do have complete control over what YOU will not do.

Be a good Princess, no matter what. Perhaps friends can help fill in? If not, just let it go. You deserve, and need, to heal this one and only body you'll be living in for the rest of your life. Take care.........s, Deb
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Unread 02-07-2005, 04:07 AM
Help family is not helping out

Well my soon to be ex hubby wasnt only unhelpful he was downright abusive and refused to help saying i didnt want his help!!It brought home to me that things werent right anyway in my marriage, i had done all the caring and giving and hed taken for 7 years!an operation like this makes you realise who you can really rely on when you need help, and if the people round you arent ready to compromise a bit then its time to take stock of your whole life and ask yourself whether youd tolerate this sort of behaviour from a friend!!
Unread 02-07-2005, 08:01 AM
Help family is not helping out

My ex-husband was the same way. The last time I had surgery when I was with him he watched as I struggled in pain. He was such an ***. I was so happy the day our divorce was final. My now husband is a blessing. The most wonderful man on earth.
I had to make a real effort and really evulate the type of man I was attracted too, I wanted to make sure the second time around I did not end up with the same kind of person.... It worked!
Unread 02-07-2005, 08:17 AM
Help family is not helping out

The threat of spending money always works with my DH.
We've just had a little dry run at our house as I've been seriously ill with flu (nearly had to be admitted to hospital coz temperature went off the scale and I was extremely dehydrated) and all I could do was sleep for 10 days - it was a very interesting experience. He just about managed with the cooking and keeping one room tidy but absolutely no cleaning! And we have laminate floors throughout the downstairs which are nowherere near difficult to keep clean! When I threatened to pay someone to come and clean the house he miraculously found time to put in a bit of effort!
Men - just find their weak spot (for my DH, it's his pocket) and go for it!
Unread 02-07-2005, 08:49 AM
Help family is not helping out

Here's what I would do (and I mean this): Call Merry Maids (or some other commercial/home cleaning service) and have them come in and swoop through your home. Let them clean EVERYTHING (they will). Do not tell DH. When he gets home and sees how clean it is, present him with the bill and the two of you can decide if you want to continue (or if you want to find someone else to come in and clean for you) or if he wants to try and keep it up until you're able to do it again. But make it very clear that you are simply not allowed to do this for another several weeks. If he balks, bring him to this very thread and let him read it for himself!!

Keeping a clean house is important to the psyche, but that does not mean you have to be the one to do it! The best gift I ever gave myself (I work full-time, dh stays at home all day and does very little in the way of housework -- I know, I know, he's spoiled, but I love him anyway) was to hire a friend to come in for a half day per week and vacuum, dust, and clean the bathrooms. All we have to do is pick up after ourselves and do the laundry and dishes (dh does do both of those jobs). It's relatively inexpensive, and it does wonders for my mental health.

Good luck to you! I think it's time for a little "tough love" for the family. You'll be glad you took action -- even if you just call in a friend like I did.
Unread 02-07-2005, 09:18 AM
Help family is not helping out

I'll send my DH over to kick some life into him.

My first ectopic and first husband... I came home to a filthy kitchem and sink loaded with dishes, had to drive myself to get groceries the next day... didn't have a thing to eat.

Second husband, second horizontal incision to try and fix remaining tube. He kept me 'caged' wouldn't let me do a thing. Although he went total opposite insisting I eat. He figured I needed to eat regular meals to help me recover. (He has since had a couple of surguries and he's lightened up on that)

A couple years later, a second tubal. He continues to take great care of me.

Now he's try to get as much ready so things will be easier then. And I'm trying to cook ahead. Figured I'd cook one last big meal next weekend to put up, when I gave him his choices, he told me 'why don't you just stop and relax' He doesn't want me to do anymore. He's a good cook himself. And actually he made me stop cleaning this past weekend too.
Unread 02-08-2005, 02:03 AM
update on family help

Hi sisters,

Thanks for your suggestions.
Most I have tried with no luck.

I had to laugh hard at a couple or cry.the whole letting it go till there is like no clothes or dishes to eat off of would get to them and they would finally do something.
Well wrong around here,we ran out of clothes and dishes!!!!
Hubby just could care less if crap was stacked to the ceiling.
I think it must be how he was raised as both of my sil are nasty nasty in their house and my mil well her house is very junkie .

Anyway I finally got him the other day to wash 7 loads (It took that many to get caught up)

I had to throw a temper fit and told him how if I got up and do it I could end up in allot of trouble and then I said forget it I will do it and got up to sort.

Oh my he had the worst fit started screaming at me and the kids about anything and everything not to mention he threw things around and then ofcourse the kids got mad at me for setting him off.

I know i should just look away ignore the mess and I have really been trying but sometimes you can't for very important reasons.Like picking up the floor and sweeping.I have a 14 month old who sticks everything in her mouth.The floor has to be kept clean or it could be very harmful to her and as anyone who has older children know you can't keep a floor clean with as many as 4 kids running around very long.

I got up during superbowl and cleaned,picked up the floor, swept and put things away so poor Amanda could safely get out of her crib.

Also we took in this stray several months ago,been the best cat but he got mad at me while I was in the castle and wouldn't come back in when he finally did he we discovered he had changed from kitty to tomcat attitude and he sprayed all over so I had to spend allot of time tring to get rid of the smell,washing everything and wiping all walls down and anything else he might of sprayed.It was really bad but I did manage to get most of the smell gone/(stinker was going to get him fixed this wk hoping to keep this from happening but go figure he beat me)

They all just sat and did nothing to help me while doing all of that except for my oldest who did a few things but whined allot .

Hubby was off Monday so I thought after over doing it Sunday and he knew I had and he had said he would do the dishes Sunday and never did that maybe he would with no problem on Monday but the whole day goes by and I was out of it most of it and 3 of the kids where in school and guess what he did from 7am to 6pm........ play the playstation .

I had a hissy fit and I guess about 8 he finally gets up to do them and was so mad he threw half of the dishes on the floor (thankfully they where plastic bowls!)
I just cried and got dressed and even though I'm not yet cleared to drive I left for a few hrs.

When my doctor brought up having the surgery I had my doubts because I worried about what is happening now exactly.I knew I would get no help and if i did it would be a nightmare.
I kept telling hubby how important it was he help me and how I had my doubts because after bedrest with 1 pregnancy and 2 sinus surgeries and how it was afterwards I was very concerned.Even my sil warned me and was worried her brother wouldn't help me.
I threatened to cancel my surgery several times because I had my very real concerns to which hubby swore he would help and to have faith in him haha.
I shouldn't of believed him.You know several suggested that I need too take a real look at our marriage and your right.I have for yrs and should of left a long time ago.
You know when I was pregnant with my 3rd,I was 6 months pregnant and I got very sick with a cold.I begged hubby to take me to the doctor.I couldn't get there on my own and he said no,It is just a cold give it time ,you are overreacting blah blah well finally 1 night got him to take me to the er.
I spent the next 4 days in hospital with phnemomia.

I just don't get him sometimes he acts like I am the love of his life and that he really cares but if it requires him to help do anything then he turns into a big lazy jerk.I should say he is a drinker big time so I got the good guy when sober and the jerk when drinking which is everyday.

He ran most of my friends off by being nasty to them and my family is all passed away.A maid service can't afford so right now just guess i let it go or just go ahead and forget taking care of myself.
1 bright note atleastmy oldest has been a bit more helpful the last 2 days.

When I am better I have decided now that I have got allot of my health issues taking care of I am going to go back to school and even though it may take some time get some kind of training where I can get a job to support me and my kids and then I'm outta here after this I have really had it.I was trying to stick it out for the kids till they are allot older and because I need a good job well time to just take action now and till I get out just try my best to get through this on my own.

Sorry so long and thanks for your suggestions and just being here to read my venting.
Unread 02-08-2005, 11:01 AM
Help family is not helping out

Oh, Penny, my heart goes out to you. I had same type of surgery you did (one day later) and I know I am in no way capable of doing all you are. Taking care of a 14 month old is exhausting enough! After reading your posts I have to be honest.
Sounds to me you that your husband is an alcoholic and he is abusing you both emotionally and verbally. I have been in 2 alcoholic marriages myself and am also a recovering alcoholic of 16 years. I strongly suggest you go to Al Anon meetings as soon as you are able. I started there 17 years ago and sat and cried through the first few meetings before I could finally share with the group what I was going through. You will find wonderful, supportive people who will even give you rides if you ask and you can get a sponser who you can call anytime night or day when you need to talk. You do not desereve to be treated this way, and now of all times, after major surgery. I send you a big hug and please don't overdue it anymore. Brenda

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