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Can a marriage survive no sex? Can a marriage survive no sex?

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  #1  
Unread 02-11-2005, 07:22 PM
Question - Can a marriage survive no sex? Can a marriage survive no sex?

I had my hysterectomy in June 2002. It's been almost 3 years and I have to say that this has got to be the worst experience of my life. I had everything removed and was almost 26 years old. My husband who is 19 years older than me has always had a higher sex drive than mine, but since the surgery, there is no comparison. I have NONE-ZIP-NADA! Even him trying to kiss me is such a turn off. I'm exhausted all the time. He feels like I owe it to him b/c I'm his wife and he's tired of my excuses. But they're not excuses. They're the truth. I can't stand to be touched at all, and even when we do anything, I find it to be repulsive and I stare at the ceiling, hoping he'll hurry up. Our marriage is really starting to suffer. How long can a man live like this before going alsewhere for attention and gratification? Has anyone else's marriage survived these problems, or are these relationships ultimately doomed?
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  #2  
Unread 02-12-2005, 09:38 PM
Can a marriage survive no sex?

Hi,

I feel so bad that you are having this problem. You are not alone feeling this way about not having any interest in sex. I believe you are telling the truth that these are not excuses for you. This is sometimes an unfortunate thing that happens after surgery. I found that with me it was not having my hormones in balance that made a difference.

Can a marriage last without sex? Well, if both are happy with that then yes, that might be true. In the case where one is happy with sex and the other not, then there will be a problem. I found it to be worth the effort to remedy this problem in order to have harmony and mutual love and affection between my DH and myself. Also if the marriage has other problems in it then this can magnify the sexual problems.

I hope you can find a way, starting with discussing your feelings, concerns with DH, and seeing your dr about what is the best way on finding some help with this problem.

I have found it to worth the effort in order to help my marriage .

I am sending lots of s your way.
  #3  
Unread 02-13-2005, 10:05 AM
Can a marriage survive no sex?

thanks Suzy. With my DH being 19 years older, you'd think that I'd be the one wanting sex, but it's the opposite. I agree that hormones may be to blame. I've never had my testosterone checked and the last time I had my estrogen levels checked, they were too low, but my Dr. doesn't want me on estrogen until I have a pap and a baseline mammogram, and I have no insurance; which means I'll have to pay for the lab work on the hormones, the pap, the dr visit and the mammogram. And my husband is a big money hog. If it's not spent on paying utility bills, and groceries, it's wasting money. So unless he gets off the high horse about the money, then I guess he'll just have to continue being dissatisfied between the sheets. And I don't mean as punishment, but as just the side effect of not getting my hormones in check.
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  #4  
Unread 02-13-2005, 03:30 PM
Can a marriage survive no sex?

Oh (((Sweetie)))) can I ever identify with the issues you're dealing with

In my case, I was feeling just about the same way you are when I was pre-op. Like you, I had absolutely no interest in sex and even looking at my Dear Husband was turning me off. And I had so little interest, that I didn't even have the inclination to remedy the situation. In my case, having the hyst and remove the huge fibroid was all I needed to be back to my loving self.

The way I understand it, my problems were directly related to my illness and had resulted in severe horomonal unbalance. I've since learned that hormones not only control sexual desire, but also the loving feeling that keeps romance going. In case like yours, and mine, the hormonal unbalance was leading to a very dire relationship with our loved one.

As far as how much of a toll this can take on our relationship with our partners, well it all depends on how long the problems have been going on. In my case, the problems lasted almost 4 years, however, there were times when the symptoms would relent and where my libido returned... giving my poor hubby a bit of a reprieve.

As Suzy mentionned, you and your relationship are important enough to warrant trying to resolve the problem. If you haven't already done so, it would be a good idea to get a total work-up and to inestigate how this problem can be resolved.

I do send lots of s your way and hope that you find answers soon.
  #5  
Unread 02-13-2005, 03:51 PM
Can a marriage survive no sex?

I don't know. It can really be a challenge.

I feel guilty because many years ago I left my husband because he simply was not interested in sex or physical expression and I just couldn't understand why. Now, here I am in the same boat and I've been deserted also. Poetic justice?

The hormones have helped (helped, not returned to previous levels) my cognitive abilities, memory, lipid panel and energy levels but they have not restored my sex drive. My doctor, a world renowned expert didn't really expect them to, but I was determined to try everything I could.

I think your best chances are if your husband can really understand the PHYSICAL reasons behind your libido changes and if you are both willing to work, together, on the other aspects of marriage.

Lots of good wishes,
  #6  
Unread 02-13-2005, 09:25 PM
Can a marriage survive no sex?

Quoting Shaw B: "I can't stand to be touched at all, and even when we do anything, I find it to be repulsive and I stare at the ceiling, hoping he'll hurry up."

Dear Shaw B.

Are you reading my mail!? This is exactly how I felt post-op, (the past 13 years!) and did my marriage suffer? Did it ever! My husband and I split for 6 months and only recently got back together. I had NO IDEA hysterectomy was the cause of these emotions. I thought it was "just me," or "just my marriage."

Please don't feel like your marriage is doomed. (I didn't even think I loved my husband, when I left. At least you know you love this man!)

Do I suddenly feel like having sex again? NO! But I now know that I can love this man sexually and in a giving way without worrying about "how I feel." My emotions (or lack thereof) were blinding me to the truth. IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT ME. It's all about love.
  #7  
Unread 02-25-2005, 10:06 PM
Can a marriage survive no sex?

Darling, I can so understand where you are coming from. It has nor been months. I had my LAVH in MAY 2004. Since then we have probably been intimate about 6 times.

I am just not in the mood. I do want to be held, but boy do not go any further than that or I wil whig out. It is a terrible feeling that we go through and in some instances our DH, SO do not understand.

Has far as affecting the marriage, well sex is a healthy relationship so it helps, but when it comes to hurting it, I agree with the others, it depends on the relationship and the couple.

For me I lucked out. Dh and I have/ or had abotu the same sex drive, of course you know that the frequency changes as the newness of the relationship settles. At frist, the first 2 years, it was like 6 times a month or more, then started getting further apart, but we did agree to try to make it atleast once or twice a month. Sex was always painful for me and in 2003 was getting worse, so Dh slowed it down and well then I was just not wanting it, I felt it was not worth it to hurt and he felt the same way. He told me he did not want to hurt me, then I had the hyst at that time, it had been maybe 4 times sicne Setp of 2003.

After my hyst it was more of the ok, no, not in the mood, do not bother me. My Dh is very understanding and supporting, he says he is ready when I am. He said he could go no longer than 3 years before it would start to be a problem..

Also it helps when you can communicate with each other openly. WE both disagree with self gratification and if one or the other feels the urge, well we do it together. We have found that this helps as far as intamecy. We do the loving and kissing and then go to foreplay in a since, This helps our sexual needs without me feeling like I want to get it over with, or hurting afterwards, but then again, even this is like pulling teeth, to get started.

I hope thishas helped you and that we all find what we re missing soon
  #8  
Unread 03-06-2005, 05:13 PM
Can a marriage survive no sex?

I was just wondering if you could have these feelings (or I should say NOT have these feelings) if you had a hysterectomy and the doc left your ovaries in? This is my problem!

I thought it was just me, but I have heard some stories about how sometimes the surgery 'shocks' your ovaries into non-production...or at least puts them into a sort of funk. Mine seemed to have never snapped out of it.

I had my surgery 4 years ago and feel absolutely nothing in the sex department. And like you, I cringe at the thought. It goes way beyond just not feeling like it, the feeling is that I DREAD it so badly I could gladly go through life without ever having sex again!

And it's not that I don't want to have those feelings. It's just that they aren't there.

I had my hormones checked last year, figuring maybe it was some sort of perimenopause (I'm 40). But the doc said it came back normal. I don't recall exactly what she checked, but it was just one test for one type of hormone. Sorry, my memory lapses are bad too! Guess I will have to find out just what exactly she had me tested for. It seemed pretty basic, anyhow.

But I wanted to know if there was a list of what hormones the doc should be testing. I'm pretty sure I did not have my testosterone done. So I should have my estrogen and testosterone levels checked. Anything else? What would be an acceptable level, as opposed to a low level?

Thanks for possibly salvaging a future sex life!

LadyL
  #9  
Unread 03-08-2005, 03:33 PM
Can a marriage survive no sex?

Well, I went the the doc's today, not sure how much good it's going to do, but wish me luck!

She is, amazingly, going to check about 6 different things, including estrogen, testosterone, etc, so hopefully I will get a better idea of if it's a hormone-related problem.

I do have a problem with her downplaying the idea that hormones are causing my problem. Her basic line is that because I still have my ovaries at 40, EVEN if my sex probs came directly after the hysterectomy, that it is unlikely that hormones are the cause.

She went on and on about stress and anxiety. Heck, the only stress is BECAUSE of the lack of sex, so gimme a break on that, doc! Sometimes I think she is really short-sighted. If not for there being such a doctor shortage, I would find myself another one pronto.

I had the same problem with her in regards to my eating disorder. She refused to believe I even had one. I ended up seeking help with a health unit nurse (who was pretty disgusted that my doc could be so ignorant). But let's not turn this into a doctor-bashing post! LOL

Good vibes being sent my way are appreciated!

LadyL
  #10  
Unread 03-08-2005, 09:49 PM
Can a marriage survive no sex?

Ladyl,

I don't know... if she doesn't believe in the hormone connection in the first place, how will she know what exactly to look for in your test? Or how to accurately read them?

For me, the book, "Your Guide to Hysterectomy, Ovary Removal and Hormone Replacement" by Elizabeth Plourde was a wealth of information on hormones. Maybe if you check this book out, and share it with your doc, you will be able to work together on your problems. A lot of times, docs are willing to learn from their patients and are grateful for useful information you pass on to them. Good doctors never stop learning and wise doctors know this to be fact.

Best wishes,
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