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Husband HAD been wonderful now he has exploded Husband HAD been wonderful now he has exploded

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Unread 02-22-2005, 01:24 AM
Husband HAD been wonderful now he has exploded

It has been awhile since I have posted - our computer somehow got several viruses (even with updated Norton Anti-virus) and it took us almost 2 weeks to get it back up in running. That was a bleeping nightmare!

Anyway, to the point (and this is long -sorry). I am 6 weeks post-op. My DH has been totally wonderful. He has done EVERYTHING around the house and has also taken care of our 6 year old twin boys (one Autistic). Needless to say, this has been not at all easy. He would fuss at me for doing the slightest thing (like getting up to get some water) - saying you know all you have to do is ask me - don't do this yourself. Although my doctor said I could drive after 2 weeks, my DH insisted I wait until I have my 4 week checkup just to be sure. I am serious - he could not have been more wonderful through this. And I guess that is why I am so stunned and confused and saddened right now.

Friday, 02-18, was my exact 6 week mark. So, I was planning a romantic night with my DH. He got home from work around 6:30. After a few minutes of small talk he walked down the hall and into our sons' room. There were toys scattered here and there - as always. It was still an hour and a half until their bedtime so why would that be a big deal? We clean up before we go to bed. For some reason, my DH just lost it - totally lost it. He went and grabbed a box of those large yard garbage bags and proceeded to completely fill up three of them with their toys - intending to throw them away. All the time fussing at our non-Autistic son about keeping his room clean.

I found this to be totally unreasonable. They are 6 years old. They scatter toys - what 6 year old doesn't? What really upset me was the whole "throw away the toys" thing. Our son was so upset. He could not understand what was going on (join the club). So, when DH can up to the kitchen with his bags I asked "Do you think that was a reasonable response to the situation?" Well, that's all it took. He flew into an even bigger rampage and proceed to rant and rave and take all 3 large garbage bags back into the boys' room and dump the contents onto the floor with toys going everywhere. It took me almost 2 hours to get everything back where it should be and boy was I in a LOT of pain after that. I felt like I was about 4 days post-op rather than 6 weeks post-op and I am still feeling the effects from that even today.

We, naturally, started arguing. Boy was I shocked to find out how much bitterness and anger he has inside of him because of everything that he has been having to do around the house and taking care of the twins. This was a bad, bad, bad fight. I truly thought our marriage was over that night (and I still am not too sure it is not even now). I am not going to live in a situation in which I feel that either my children or I am being abused. To me psychological abuse is along the same lines as physical abuse. I am not going to live like that.

My husband has always had a problem with depression and that sometimes leads to some bitterness and anger but it has never been directed at us (his family) like the way it just was. Funny thing is, we had been talking about him getting back into therapy to help him.

After things calmed down somewhat, DH asked if I would be willing to go to marriage counseling. I did say yes but now, the more I think of it, the more I wounder if I should have said yes. HE needs to see someone and wants to drag me along for the ride for whatever reason. I am not saying I am a saint - I know I am not. But, my DH has long had issues and has been in and out of therapy for many, many years. It has been over a year now since he has seen a therapist and he really needs to do so. So why am I all of a sudden being asked to go to marriage counseling when what he really needs is individual therapy?

I honestly don't know what to do. I do love my husband very much but I am not going to continue to live like this nor am I going to allow my children to live like this either. I don't want the boys to be terrified of their father, never knowing when he might have an outburst and what might set him off. Sometimes, love is not enough - or at least that is how I am feeling right now.

I am lucky enough that I wouldn't have to worry about a place to stay or being able to take care of the boys and the bills if I do divorce. My parents will take care of us. They are already in the process of buying a house for us - one we intend to pay for ourselves but if I divorce and cannot afford it, they will just give it to me free and clear and I know they will nerve let us want for anything. So, as I said, I am very fortunate in that respect since a lot of ladies have nowhere to go in case of a divorce so they just stay no matter how bad things get.

So, am I being selfish by not wanting to go to marriage counseling in this situation? I just don't know what to do. I would appreciate any advice at all.

Thanks for reading all of this mess!

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Unread 02-22-2005, 01:54 AM
Husband HAD been wonderful now he has exploded

Dear Mayfair,

Sounds like you have a lot to think about. My husband and I also have a lot of love and the occassional blow-up. One thing has helped a lot over the years (18 of them now): each time we fight, we ask ourselves--am I going to divorce this spouse or is this just a little blip along the way? If the answer is not immediately divorce, (and it has not been yet), then we make up immediately...because it is only a matter of time until we make up and why let the hurts from this temporary blow-up build up until they are hard to heal.

I always ask myself this: are the good things about him still outweighing the occassional blow-up? It sounds like your DH has a lot of positive sides...certainly very supportive during your last weeks. Perhaps he is more sensitive about the room staying clean because he is depressed to see all the hard work he put into cleaning simply vanish (we all know that feeling), especially with the extra stresses of taking over some of your tasks.

In the good things category, you should certainly also consider the value to your twin sons of having parents who clearly have their all-to-human sides, but who work it out and deal with it as a loving pair.

I personally believe that having a loving partner is one of the most valuable and significant achievements a person can aim for. And there is no perfect person, so it is always a balance of the bad with the good, but the investment you make to deal with the bad and optimize the good should be at least as much effort and commitment as you would make at career training, investment management, or your relationships with girlfriends, family, etc--maybe even a lot more. I think there may be a lot of cases where people give up on this hard balance too easily and never find that valuable and significant relationship that is worth fighting for. (Of course, if the one you are in is clearly wrong--there is the opposite conclusion: get out as soon as possible so you have as much time as possible to start over from scratch and hope to find a better partner.)

I hope these thoughts help you to think about what is good and important in your relationship and decide what is right for you. If the marriage counselor is good (and agrees that the problem is your husband's and not yours), then the counselor should also be able to help you learn how best to support him through his hard times and also how to ensure that the blow-ups do not impact you (or your twins) as "psychological abuse" but can be understood as a symptom of an illness and not a personal attack.

I wish you the best of luck and hope your inner voice guides you on the right path.
Unread 02-22-2005, 02:04 AM
Husband HAD been wonderful now he has exploded

I can see two sides to your situation. First your DH had to be under a considerable amount of stress the past 6 weeks. He was working plus coming home and taking care of your and the twins, not to mention the house. Add to that the worry that DHs experience about our health. Its no wonder he snapped.

On the other hand he REALLY blew up. He became unreasonable and that was unacceptable. Don't excuse his extreme reaction and if you chose to remain with him, insist upon therapy. If it has to be joint therapy then i would go, if nothing else it would give both of you moreinsight into what you expect from your marriage.
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Unread 02-22-2005, 05:17 AM
Husband HAD been wonderful now he has exploded

I agree with the women who have answered you already. Only you know exactly how your relationship has been. And if this is his first serious blow up, and he has asked you to go to marriage counseling, then I would go.
When we marry it's to be for better and for worse. Sometimes if worse is risking your life or your children's then that's where we draw the line. Get out asap. But how much worse should worse be? Or, how much better should better be?
First I would try counseling, see what was so important to him that he would suggest counseling for both of you. Then make your decision on what you should do.
I will be praying for the both of you. Let us know how things went and more so how you are doing. I hope you are feeling better soon. And give the boys an extra hug from the sisters here!
Unread 02-22-2005, 06:19 AM
Husband HAD been wonderful now he has exploded

Not the time to make rash descisions. This is high stress on EVERYONE! Sounds like you are both good people doing the best you can in the moment. The problem is just that. We need to look at the bigger picture. We all say and do stuff that we wish we could take back. If you went to speak with someone and they felt he needed more that's what they'll recommend. No harm in that.I think men get scared. Thats a threat to them. They don't have the coping skills woman have.We do sooo much, when they try to take our place they snap.Give it time. Best to you and yours!
Unread 02-22-2005, 07:00 AM
Husband HAD been wonderful now he has exploded

You have certainly had so much to deal with. I am sure that the emotions are high for both of you. I agree with the other posts ahead of us here. Bagging the toys - been there - my DH said it gave him a sense of order that he needed at the momen. Counselling together can be a good thing wih the right facilitator and it would give you insight into each others thought processes. It is not a time to make rash decisions after all you have been through with surgery...he could b scared and I am sure deep down, he must appreciate all you do as a helpmate in keeping the homefront running smoothly and keeping up with two little ones! Extra love hugs to you all!
Unread 02-22-2005, 07:22 AM
Husband HAD been wonderful now he has exploded


First, my sincere apologies for what you are going through. Emotional and mental stress are not easy when we're dealing with such physical pain and stress.

I would have to agree with what the majority of women said here. Your husband did react rather dramatically, but he is under a lot of stress and is carrying the majority of the household responsibility. Men definitely aren't built the way we women are, and can't seem to handle the same presures we can. When we're pressed for time or to get something done, we figure it out and get it done. Men just throw up their hands and throw in the towel. Women are stronger survivors... period.

From personal experience, I strongly recommend counseling. If this was a constant problem, I would still recommend counseling. Having a moderator to help coax you and your husband to release your emotions can be a great help to both of you. Following my hyst. 4 years ago, I was ready to unload on my husband, lashing out at him constantly. After about a week, we told my doctor we wanted to see someone (a counselor). We eneded up only going through about half of the normal scheduled sessions because we worked through our craziness. My husband wasn't a good communicator and never told me how he felt -- scared, confused, angry, etc. We worked through it together, because we loved each other and our marriage was worth it.

Like someone else said, emotions are running very high right now. You're focused on getting well, as you should be, and your husband is now taking care of most everything and everyone -- something he's probably not used to. And his lashing out may be because he's hurting and scared, and doesn't want to bother you with his fear. Maybe talking to him and asking him how he feels could help... I found out my husband was terrified and angry at my first surgery. But after 5 surgeries, we've learned to really talk to each other before I go in so he can tell me what he's feeling. That's something I needed to know.

Hang in there and follow your heart. Please keep us posted on how you're doing. I wish you the very best!
Unread 02-22-2005, 07:40 AM
Husband HAD been wonderful now he has exploded

I understand your feelings and frustration! This all happened before my surgery, and he ended up not even taking me to my first surgery, we were at the complete end of our marriage by the holidays. I too could not take the abuse, verbal and mental, he was cruel to me and to our children and I know they were being hurt by this also, they let me know. I just layed it on the table, not to say I gave him an ulimatum, I just let him know how the children were feeling, how I was feeling and that if he felt this marriage was worth saving, he would do something about it. He made an appointment to see our paster. I went too. I didnt need to, but if he is willing to seek help, it doesnt hurt, it offers you insight into the cause of all the anger and if I were you I would like to find the root of it all, he has helped you, and you need to help him now. You vowed before God so you do need to take the time to make sure. Again as the ladies said, the surgery is hard on us and them!!! If theres a probability that you may be a bit sensitive maybe due to HRT or what not, I know I am. Just a thought, sometimes things are bigger than we think with that HRT... I also wonder if by the way you explain it, this behavior is not uncommon and your dispair sounds like you have had alot of rough spots before and after the surgery?
This is a major decision and you probably should be to hasty to end it all. Unless it is deeper than you describe. And you feel you need to get your boys out of the house for thier safety,
Our problems got better going with him to our pastor with me, he needed me there, I understand that, you have needed him in the past right? We realized that in our situation my hubbys job, which is a family owned business, was making him miserable, now that he has been home with the kids and myself he has become the man I married again! He is father of the year and hubby too! I have begged him for years to be that. We have now opened up to the root of all our problems and feel it is time for hubby to look into other jobs for the time being, he was miserable at work. Now this is a terribly touchy subject, as I said its a family business! But we are his family and I can not imagine going back to the way things were, nor can he, and my surgery was the breaking point, he realized his wife and children were worth more to him then keeping his mom and dad happy. Please remember that I was going to leave! I had made other arrangements for the childrens care during my healing process and had seen a laywer! He begged for 1 more chance, this was hard for me under the circumstances, with the surgery to put my life back into HIS hands, Not a good time for him to "crack" again. I was 4 weeks post op on friday, and I cant wait to start our new life, he also has found another job, higher paying, less stressful, less hours and more dad time. In the long run the best that could possibly happen to all of us. We will deal with his family later, but in the meantime, continue to rebuild our love, trust and happiness. I am telling you this because you married him for a reason, you have kids and if there is any way to salvage your marriage you really need too!
Just dont make rash choices right now. And go with him, it may help you to find the root! But please, if you or your children are in danger, please dont hesitate to get out!
My thoughts and prays and hope is with you,
Unread 02-22-2005, 08:26 AM
Wonderfu Husband

My heart goes out to you. Yes your husband has been under allot of stress taking care of you, your twins and the house work, but we do it a life time. There is no excuse for his actions. He needs to get help.

What if women blew up like that. The world would not be if the women couldn't handle stress. We do not even get a pat on the back, but when men have to step out of the norm for just 6 weeks and you probably was doing some things then it just was unnoticed, they can't handle it.

My husband waited on me hand and foot, when he would leave to got to the store or rx, I would go and organize the mail that was stattered and put up some dishes, He didn' t even notice. He never blew up at me, but I could tell it was taking a toll on him. My kids are 16 and 20, my daughter did the dishes and vaacum, he made the meals and I told him what needed to be done such as the laundry, making of the bed etc...

He looked stressed but kept it to himself. He is a full time student and took time off, but the day I told him he could go back to school that I would be fine, He jumped at it. I was 6 weeks, with some complications from pelvic drain, he needed to get out of the house, I saw it.
Unread 02-22-2005, 08:26 AM
Husband HAD been wonderful now he has exploded

Lori, How lucky you are, that your husband is not only willing to go for marriage counseling, but suggested it!! Many times when my husband & I have had rough spots, he refused to go. (When we finally went, the therapist was firmly "on my side" (of course, because I was "right!") so I don't know if I'll ever get him to go again!)

My best friend has been begging her (third!) husband to go with her to counseling for years! It seems to me it is his problem, but at least he's willing to do something about it, so go for it!!

You're also very fortunate that your parents are so supportive -- it's great to know you're staying in the marriage beacause you want to. About ten years ago we had a REALLY rough spot and I realized if I left him, I would have nowhere to go except my parents' basement, which would mean giving up my job and having to look for something else, and leaving all my friends & neighbors.

Check out the "Angry at Husband" thread if you haven't already. Also, do you have a "Grabber", for picking up all those toys? My friend gave me one and it has been a lifesaver! It says on the side Sammons Preston 800-323-5547 I find the less bending I do, the more strength & enery I have left for other things. I asked my mom, who also has one, if it's also good for fetching down things from high shelves, and she said "only if they're not breakable!"

Good luck

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