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It hit me tonight, bad! Kids, no kids, cats, other's kids. . . It hit me tonight, bad! Kids, no kids, cats, other's kids. . .

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Unread 02-28-2005, 01:17 AM
It hit me tonight, bad! Kids, no kids, cats, other's kids. . .

I just really needed to talk this out - no need to respond, this is a long thread. . . .

I just want to say that till tonight I had only gone to the post-op forum. That has been extrememly helpful for me, and I am almost 10 weeks out, healing each day and starting to have less "total whiped days" than before, they still happen, but not as bad.

Thing is, tonight, I am home alone. And rarely do I feel actually lonely. I don't mind being alone, it is nice and I do a lot of things I love that I can only do when I am alone - my home is peaceful and quite, today the sun was out and it warmed up some, I am looking forward to spring. DH is away - he's been a really good support through all of this, but has been away 2 weeks and will be for another 1 week. He and I were both on our own 10 years before we met (that was, for both of us after a bad divoece each, no kids for either of us from those marraiges) , and while we will be apart for our 6 anniversary, I always feel grateful for him. He travels a lot, so I often live quite a familiar life, on my own, with my cats. then I enjoy the times when he is home and we enjoy each other's company. Dec 15th I had TAH, with one ovary left in (does not seem to make a difference in this new-come emotional rollercoaster, all this sudden weeping and all). Thing is (I don't mean to ramble,but must admit I need to), tonight I was cuddling with my cat - I have had many cats over the years, and the day I got home from surgery and due to the pain I was in, I looked at my older cat and said "enough is enough" ,felt much sorrow and empathy for her suffering in her old age, and had her taken to the vet to be put down - she was very very ill, and I had prolonged her life for the sake of my own emotions, because I did not want to part with her. That was very hard, but in the initial days of post-op, hey the pain meds made it somewhat better. DH got me another cat for Christmas, 10 days post-op and I was very happy about that.

So. . . .back to tonight, I am feeling so much that I cannot track well or hardly type. . . .I was cuddling with my cat, and I told her how grateful I am for her, as I know cats (any pets) come and go, and wanted to tell her she is quite a special cat, in a series of many, past and future, no doubt. I told her that I knew I was not going to be having kids - had fantasies yes, when i was on my own those 10 years, (what would it be like? Would I have the stamina? Would I really be unselfish with a child?), but other goals and circumstances - well, it IS best that no children came along. That is simply the truth for me and I know it, others have a hard time with it, but >I< know it. DH says the same about his life - did not happen, won't be happening, and that is part of our reality (I agree with him).

Still, it is different when the possibility is there, does that make any sense. I mean, I told my cat (she listens soo well. . . ) that she is special and I will love her as long as she is healthy and here to love. I told her I have loved other people's children, but accept that those children come and go in my life (usually due to their moving away or simply growing up and going off to their own lives. I have been and strive to be a very very good auntie.

This is what hit me tonight. So far I have kept all that at bay. I have nieces and nephews who I simply adore (other;s children have called me auntie too), and they are all at the stage where they are growing up and going off to their own lives. While I was, and know I am still, their special auntie (we all live very far apart). . . .well, a lot is changing within me, with the surgery and accepting that my nieces and nephews are just that - other people's children - till the surgery, I think I deluded myself that I was like a second parent to them. . . that took the occasional twinge of guilt (sadness perhaps?) out of knowing I was in their lives, but it would change. Then the surgery. . . .

Before I met DH, I had accepted that I would be on my own - and made a pretty darned good life for myself. I earned a good education and started a career that I love. It was very scarey letting my DH into my life. We started together well <past> child bearing years, and though we would talk about it, he summed it up with "that" time is over for both of us, and love the kids in our lives (he is far more at peace when other's children growing and going off to live their lives, for what ever reason). I think that tonight, I am just thinking too much, and feeling things I did not want to let in before.

I am reminded of what life was before I met DH, and I had accepted (most times welcomed) that I would not be - I cannot bring myself to use the "M" word right now. . . . - but my nieces and nephews were younger then - and I never thought I would have to have a TAH! I mean, I am soooo very grateful that my mother came to help care for me, no ifs ands or buts about that. I am grateful that my DH has been so supportive throughout - I am tired if feeling so needy all the time, quite a contrast to my old life (both before meeting him and before the TAH!).

It is just that toinght I actually feel a loneliness that I have never identified before. It stems from a gratitude for my mother who was able to come (from very far away) to be with me. It stems from a gratitude for house pets, and what a wonder they are in my life. It stems from a gratitude and ever growing love to my DH. And it stems from having loved a pet who, because cats lives are short than ours (just fact) come into my live and then have to leave. It also stems from the fact that at some point, I would not have someone else to come care for me (selfish though huh?) should I get sick like this again. (Please don't get me wrong, the entire time I was going to school and on my own, one of my biggest joys was and still is the conviction that my parents will have me to care for them and make certain they will not want for anything in their golden years!)

Please excuse my ramblings, and I am going to seek some professional help to deal with this grief, but it is hard for me to admit it >is< grief and that there is a new loneliness inside me, that contradicts the joys and gratitude I have in my life.

I didn't know if other's felt at all like this, and assumed some had to have similar feelings after their hyster, but coming to this forum has been a blessing. jlawrin started a thread that really has helped me, and the response from dreamerjs, and others, is of comfort, and I thank you all. It is late, I don't want to phone anyone to talk about this, and don't want to talk about it to anyone anyway - I don't want to hear "those" platitides - when I am emotional I have moments of imagining saying very harsh things, but I don't - I don't even like having those kinds of thoughts!

Thanks for letting me ramble, and I am just grateful this place is here. Without it, I think this new loniless, so different from being along and liking that, would be totally unbearable!

Tomorrow I am going to make "that" call to get an appointment with a professional (whom I have talked to before) who helps, but please let me come here and talk about this from time to time.

Tonight, I am just going to let the flood gates keep opening and let these tears come out till they are spent. . . till the next pouring out. I know that in time, there will be emotional healing, just as there has been physical healing.

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Unread 02-28-2005, 07:24 AM
It hit me tonight, bad! Kids, no kids, cats, other's kids. . .

Tomorrow I am going to make "that" call to get an appointment with a professional (whom I have talked to before) who helps, but please let me come here and talk about this from time to time.
Aching Hearts was created for this very purpose. To listen and send a special from time to time. Your thoughts brought a tear to my eye. You sound like someone I would be honored to call

Unread 02-28-2005, 11:14 AM
It hit me tonight, bad! Kids, no kids, cats, other's kids. . .

Adding a to those already given....

I am so proud of you for being able to express your feelings in this way.

to you in this very difficult time.
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Unread 02-28-2005, 06:30 PM
It hit me tonight, bad! Kids, no kids, cats, other's kids. . .


Many many s coming your way!!
Unread 02-28-2005, 11:30 PM
It hit me tonight, bad! Kids, no kids, cats, other's kids. . .

Thank you so much. I mean that. I am in a fog/funk - but got an email - the timing is eerie - from friends who moved away almost 2 years ago, I really love them and had been involved with their kids a long time - in their email they told me they had talked to my DH and wondered why I had not called them, but understood I will when I am feeling I can/want to - that they are there for me, they said the kids ask about us all the time. That made me cry all over again.

Thanks for listening last night, it really means a lot to me. You all made me feel heard and understood.
Unread 03-01-2005, 06:17 AM
It hit me tonight, bad! Kids, no kids, cats, other's kids. . .

When I was 15, I got my first job at a soda fountain. There was a couple that would come in for coffee everyday after work. They didn't have any children and soon, all of us working there were enjoying the benifits of all the love in their They took us to fun places and enjoyed our company. It was relaxing, to just hang around their home. They helped with school projects and homework. We all benefitted from the relationship. When you said your friends children ask about you, it reminded me of them. I'm positive that you hold a special place in many childrens memories... no matter how much time passes, you and your DH have made a difference.
Unread 03-03-2005, 01:09 AM
It hit me tonight, bad! Kids, no kids, cats, other's kids. . .

Karlene - thank you for your lovely sharing! Since I first posted - only a few mights ago. . . .I cannot believe what has happened. Those Other's, who's kids we have been involved with - who either moved away or have grown - well, they have been contacting me! I did not initiate contact. Lots of "so and so really misses you. . ." sort of thing. One of the parents happened to be in town, called me, and we went for dinner. She gave me her kids' latest school photos - said the one begged for her to give me one! I cannot believe this. Here I was feeling so sorry for myself, in such an elaborate way and all I needed to do was reach out. . . and it was not me who did that, the other's did.

Thank you all for your support. I know what I need to do now, and that is re-enter these children's lives - though some are teens now and some are adults, why did I not stop and think that they would still need me? I feel so blessed.

Thank you all.


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