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I am here kinda. :( I am here kinda. :(

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Unread 03-15-2005, 12:02 AM
I am here kinda. :(

Tomorrow is day seven post op for me. TAH BSO
I just feel weird. Real tired and messed up inside. I went to doctors office to have staples removed today. I fell like a wanted to run away from the moment I set foot in the waiting room.
Just being around all those pregnant ladies made me fell like crying. I felt as if everyone there knew I just have TAH. Like it was marked on my forehead. I guess I felt like a freak.
Is there anyone out there that is feeling this way or can understand where I am coming from?
The visit did not take long at all. I go back again in two weeks. I just feel like skipping it. I mean what's left to be said? Everything is gone. No more vag pain just the pain in my heart and regrets ( may be if I should have tried harder to , May be I could have dealt with the pain longer that kind of thing.
I did not make it out of the office without crying today and I don't know if I ever will be able to in the future. I was not ready to close this chapter in my life but I was in pain so I let go of my dreams. I wish someone could tell my heart to shut up! It's sending thoughts to my brain that hurt so much. *
I don't feel like a princess

I don't even feel like a woman any more!
I just feel awful.

Sorry to go on so.
Hope all you ladies are doing OK.
Hugs to all that need them.
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Unread 03-15-2005, 12:21 AM
I am here kinda. :(

Big Hugs!!

I saw you were still online and sent you a msg !

You are not alone and you need to know that.. we are all right there with you.

Unread 03-15-2005, 04:46 AM
I am here kinda. :(

Hi Bgstruck;
I am so sorry you are hurting this way. I think it is important to tell your doctor how you are feeling. He can't help you if he doesn't know.
Since it bothers you to go to your GYN ask him if you can be released to your family doctor or see about getting his very first appointment in the morning so you can avoid other patients.
If he knew how you feel I'm sure he would accomodate you!
Perhaps you could get something to help you while you are feeling so down. (From your doctor).
It isn't easy to deal with all of this. Have you found the aching hearts forum? The ladies there can help you and give you comfort. They are also grieving the loss of their womb. They are a loving group!

I wish you all the best, just take it one day at a time .....

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Unread 03-15-2005, 05:02 AM
I am here kinda. :(

Oh Sue! I wish I could give you a big hug ! I have not yet had my surgery, but do understand what you are going through a little bit. I noticed all the pregnant women on my last doctor's visit, too. After he told me, for the second time, that he recommended a TAH, I walked through that waiting room full of expectant moms and just wanted to sob! It is like closing a chapter in our lives, but remember that you have also opened a new one.

I took a peek at your profile, you are a very active person and a woman of strong faith...the first thing you tell about yourself is that you are a Christian. Take refuge in that faith, remember you are not doing this alone, God is by your side always. He gave you the strenth to face and endure the pain, but also gave you the strength to see hope in a future without the pain. Look for that hope now and embrace it.

Try looking beyond these first days of recovery to what you want to do without that pain. You mentioned your love for camping, take some time now to plan a trip with your family. In a few months you will be strong and ready to enjoy a camping adventure.

As for thinking you could continue to endure the pain, I have bounced back and forth on that one for the last few months while making my decision on surgery. One day my DH said, "This is not a way to show Christ how much you love him by offering up your health and happiness along with your suffering. He loves you and wants you to live well." He is so right. That was a turning point for me, I felt I finally had perimission to be human and to reject the pain for a chance at better health and happiness.

Did you talk to your doctor about your feelings? He or she may be able to suggest something that will help you feel better about your decision. If these feelings are being amplified by a hormone imbalance, getting balanced may be what you need to move beyond this point in your recovery.

I am keeping you in my prayers and hope that you feel a little stronger each day!

Unread 03-15-2005, 09:22 AM
I am here kinda. :(

I've been feeling the same way since my hyst 4 weeks ago. Those feelings are getting better each week as I fell better. I kmow I did the right thing - I'm trying not to second guess my decision. Hang in there and know you're not alone. I go back to work in 2 1/2 weeks and am trying to think of the way to handle the girl I work with who's due in June and the girl with the new baby. I imagine these feelings will get easier. Many blessings and big hugs!
Unread 03-15-2005, 11:17 AM
I am here kinda. :(

Like the others sis said. I wished I could be next to you so I could give you a bigI haven't had my surgery yet. But believed me I understand how you feel. Just have faith in god. As a christian you know that with him everything in life is posible. And don't look back to the chapter that you just closed. Just think in the new one that you're opening know.The new life expecting best wishes.. I will put you in my prayers. And if you need to talk or chat you could pm me. God Bless you...
Unread 03-15-2005, 06:29 PM
I am here kinda. :(

Oh Sue!

I'm so sorry!!! Your post was exactly the way I was feeling after my surgery. I felt that I had given up on fighting the pain and was weak because of it. When in fact it was the healthiest thing I could have done for myself. You probably feel disconnected with yourself emotionally and physically and this will take time. It took me 8 months before I finally felt like myself and could laugh about things.

Please mourn your loss but dont get stuck in the past thinking how things could have been done differently. Having regrets will paralyze you emotionally and healing will be much slower. Surround yourself with positive people and make plans for your future and you will be rewarded with a fresh new spirit.

Be patient with yourself.... I promise that the future will embrace you with plenty of warmth and sunshine.

Peace, Cheryl
Unread 03-15-2005, 07:44 PM
I am here kinda. :(

Dont ever feel alone here. Because most of us are going through or have gone through what you are feeling. I did the whole what if thing also. I had this surgery for pain, and yes I could have gone on with that pain. I could have kept taking my medicine to dull the pain, and lived with it. I should have kept trying to have another baby. What if it was hormonal, what if the next time I would have been better. What if next cycle I would have gotten pregnant, like I had been wanting for over 12 years?

What if I let all of that go and enjoy what I have been given? What if I decide it was the best decision for me at that moment? I know grieving is a huge part, and that a lot of change comes with this surgery. I am not the same person I was before. But my uterus did not make me woman, nor did my surgery change my personality. I got tired of living the way I was, and now almost 6 weeks out, I have a pretty good life. Yes I still wonder, but I am so incredibly happy that I havent had pain or agony for 6 months, and yes my heart hurts for what I have lost. I will get through it.

In all honesty, I believe this surgery makes us have to 'fix' our lives. I dont see many women here who havent taken huge steps to better themselves. I dont recall reading any postings about how lives are the same before and after. It is like all things in life, if you look deep, there is good. Yes it is normal to feel lost and empty after this, and yes eventually you will heal and start to feel better. It is a long haul, but we are here to help you through it, to hold your hand and support you in however you feel you need supporting.

Hugs to you

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