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Jess's baby girl Jess's baby girl

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  #91  
Unread 04-25-2005, 03:19 PM
Jess's baby girl

I know this is not the prayer board, but I have to say it!
Praise God!!!! I have been praying for this baby since your
very first post. Being out of town last week, I kept wondering
about A'maya Nicole. I am SOOOOOOO happy for you, Jess,
and A'maya !!! Congratulations!!!! God answered our prayers!!
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  #92  
Unread 05-02-2005, 11:36 PM
Jess's baby girl

good evening ladies,

i hope that all of you are doing better than i am. things have not been going well around here for the last few days. there is so much tension and unrest in this house that you can dip it with a spoon. all is not well.

jess and the baby are doing fine. jess is feeling good and the A'maya is doing great. she's eating well.

the problem is this......it may take a while to explain things. i think i'm losing my daughter and my grandchild. i feel like i am being pushed out of their lives and we live in the same house. i think most if not all of you are mothers. and as a mother there is pratically nothing that you wouldn't do for your child. or grandchild. Jessica will go back to school next week. there will be three weeks of school remaining when she goes back. the problem is who will keep the baby while she is in school. unbeknown to me jessica and her boyfriend had decided that his sister will keep the baby. the problem i have with this is the fact that she lives about 25 miles away. and the plan is for A'maya to stay with her all week and come back here on weekends. now someone please correct me if i am wrong but, shouldn't jessica be the one spending time with her baby during these first weeks of her life. i mean how will they bond if jess only sees her on weekends for three weeks. am i wrong in thinking that jess should be able to come home to her child after school. to have that crucial time to spend with her everyday. she seems to think that this arrangement will be ok. but i am afraid that little A'maya will bond with her aunt, not her mother. she doesn't work and can be with her all day. i had offered to take a few weeks off from work and stay home to care for her. taking off from work would not be a problem. the baby would be here when Jessi got out of school and she would have time to spend with her every day.

the way jess acts and talks to me these days it seems like i am being pushed aside of other people. and it is such a horrible, horrible feeling. i feel like my heart and soul have been ripped out. it hurts so much. i tried talking to her, but all we do is end up getting in a huge argument. i miss them (jess & baby) so much that sometimes all i do is sit and cry.and we live in the same house. i have told jess this and she doesn't seem to care. at least that's the impression i get. i' don't know what to do. i'm at my witts end. i feel like i'm being pushed away. like she doesn't want me to be part of their lives. she won't even talk to me. and every time i try to talk to her we end up arguing.

i know the baby needs to spend time with her father. and that is not a problem. i have told him that he can come and see her whenever he wishes. i haven't spoken to his mother or sister about this, and don't know if i should. i'm afraid that it will only lead to more arguments and tension.

i really don't know what to do. i am so torn up inside. i want so much for Jess and her child. i know she will be leaving me one day. and when that time comes i will deal with it. but i don't know what to do about the situation right now. who knows maybe i'm just a "bitter old woman, who wants her way". please pray with me that some how this whole thing works out and that i don't lose my daughter and granddaughter.

thanks, jene
  #93  
Unread 05-03-2005, 07:27 AM
Jess's baby girl

Jene, you have been so supportive of Jess. There are so many different issues going on right now. Her age: when my daughter was that age, that's when she began pulling away from me and
insisting on her independence. I have read this is healthy to
pull away from the parents to truly become an independent person. It can be hurtful since you have devoted your life to your child, and now they seem more interested in other people. It
takes some readjusting in your relationship to keep it healthy.
Eventually, you both learn how to relate to each other as
two separate adults. Hormones: she just delivered a baby.
Her hormones can be a little wacky right now perhaps causing
a little depression or being a little testy. Adjustment: she is
now a mom and the entire idea of being responsible for this new
little baby can be overwhelming. Age: her other friends are
getting ready to graduate and a probably looking forward
to graudation parties and no serious responsibility right now,
at least until after graduation. Child care: this is a major concern.
You see, this seems to be a complex situation for Jess with no easy answers. I agree with you that the baby being away all week does not seem like the ideal situation. It does not allow
Jess to bond with the baby nor to adjust to being a mom.
Perhaps Jess is so overwhelmed at being a parent that this
will allow her to escape from the pressures during the week.
Also, I wonder if she is having second thoughts about being
a mom and considering adoption perhaps to this aunt; or maybe not adoption but allowing the aunt to rear A'maya. You really don't know what she is thinking. Perhaps that is also why she
is so testy right now. She may be thinking she needs to make some major life decisions. Perhaps she may consider keeping this arrangement permanent with the aunt with A'maya during the week and with her on week-ends.
I wish I knew how to make things better for you.
Can you pinpoint what causes an argument? Open communication
is so important. I hope and pray that you and Jess are able
to calmly discuss Jess's feelings, fears, plans, and your love
for Jess and A'maya. You have been so supportive during the pregnancy, and I know you will continue to be very loving and supportive with your new granddaughter. Your relationship with Jess may need a little readjusting now that she is a mom herself.
I find it is the hardest thing in the world to let go of your child and allow them to make some very unwise decisions. My son has told
me that they have to make their own decisions and learn from the bad ones. As a mom, you can gently offer your idea,
and then hope and pray that everything will work out. Also,
you can let them know how much you love them and that you will always be there for them.
I will continue praying for all of you. Good luck as you and
Jess adjust to the new roles and demands of adding A'maya to your family.
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  #94  
Unread 05-03-2005, 09:35 AM
Jess's baby girl

First of all let me say congrats to you and your dd and new gd! I have been watching this post and have said many a prayer for you all...Ok,now..I was 17 when I had my first son. I also lived w/ my parents and also had alot of tension. i can only tell you what I have learned from my personal experience. When I first came home..all was crazy, the hormones, the worries, the joy ,the fear. Please have some understanding for your dd at this time. (Iam not implying that you haven't so far..pls don't take it that way)I was a basketcase..and hid it very well. I thought...But what i realized is that since he was born almost 9 years ago..I have looked back and realized that i pushed away my mom too. I felt like she was taking over, I figured that now I had a baby and it was all my decisions as to what was best fro him..I was so wrong in so many ways, but right I guess in stating my independance. i am sure that my ma had many a sleepless night over me and her new gson. I made stupid mistakes, never endangering my child but definitely stupid choices. Maybe if your dd would like to talk about all that she is feeling she can email me and I will share my experiences gladly w/ her. It is the hardest time I had ever gone through to this day. i truly feel for you and know that you feel like she is being unnappreciative to your efforts and you also feel chided that she is choosing someone other than you to care for the new baby..but i am sure it will subside as time goes and she realizes that you are the one who is there for her always, through better or worse. Right now , maybe the best thing you can do is let her make the decisions, My mom did not..and it really strained our relationship to this day.Remember your dd is still a teenager..still looking for independance..still rebelling. I have been there..I understand. My mom "butting in" as I saw it then ,really strained the relationship that I had w/ my ds for a while. I felt like I was being pushed out...of my own babies life. I know that you don't see it that way..but thats how I am sure Jesse sees it. Let these 3 weeks pass..bite that tongue,hit a pillow, have a drink..whatever...this is the hard time..it too soon will pass. You are such a strong family as I can see from your past posts..you will make it through it. I am sure that your dd will soon see she can't cop out and send that baby away..has she spent anytime away from her yet? if not I am sure that she will go batty worrying over her in even a small absence. Also,,gosh..don't judge me..I am being honest and open here, after the birth of my son..complicated pregnancy..I just wanted to run, far away, be a teen again, then felt guilty for feeling that way..its a vicious cycle...I had the second thoughts about my decisions to this day, but everytime I look in my lil mans eyes or see a sticky handprint on my clean windows, or get a lil snuggle for NO reaseon except for the fact that he loves me I remember why i made the decisions that I did and I NEVER have regretted it, just questioned it. I know that being "tied down" with a pregnancy made me just nutty to run and do what I wanted to do after the delivery. It all will soon pass as she bonds w/ the baby. Hope some of this helped and please have her email me if she or YOU want. I will happily share my experiences...I sure wish I had that support when I was going through it. I am sure your dd feels as alone as I did. Hugs and prayers, Brieann
  #95  
Unread 05-03-2005, 03:05 PM
Jess's baby girl

Oh, Jene,

I've been reading your story off and on for a couple of months. So much joy and so much pain. Perhaps the best thing to do now is lie low and try not to overreact. If you push, Jess will pull. If you pull, she will push.

My daughter had a beautiful baby last June. Unlike your daughter, she preferred to step aside and allow me to take over. She had problems bonding---I always wondered if it was because I did too much. I was and am totally in love with my grandaughter. They both live with me and I tolerate some questionable behavior of my daughter to protect my dear grandaughter.

Perhaps Jess, responding to that animal instinct, is protecting her young from the rival. Most likely she'll find one of two things will happen in the very near future. The aunt will either begin to resent being taken advantage of...or she'll begin to want the baby for her own. Jess will be back to square one, and she'll likely return to you for help. Ultimately, she probably is just trying to maintain her bond with the baby...staking her claim on her own territory.

Watch and wait, very calmly. Rest while you can...the substitute grandmother is becoming very tired probably. You have to know at this point that less action may be more. Support Jess, be as friendly and upbeat as you can.One thing is certain with young mothers...eventually they need help. If you want to be involved, cheerfully give that help. If you always end up arguing, you could very easily lose.

Remember that everything has to be about the baby. Nothing you do can really be viewed as for Jess or you may develop resentment. It all has to be about the baby, who is beautiful, totally innocent , has done nothing wrong and deserves nothing but love from everyone around her.

I hope it all works out. Give yourself a hug for me. I feel your pain. Just leave the door open for Jess. When she sees the warm light escaping from that open door, she'll return.
  #96  
Unread 05-05-2005, 07:48 PM
Jess's baby girl

Jene,

You have been offered many words of wisdom and prayer which I'm sure will provide you a lot of comfort.

My own thought is that is good for the baby's father's family to feel some ownership of the baby, even if it is only for 3 weeks.

Families are complicated and maintaining bonds are worse. But still, worth the effort in the long run.

My sister is still mad at me for picking out a blue wedding dress when she married at 17 in 1971! At least I told her not to tell anyone at school she was pregnant or else she wouldn't have been allowed to graduate. In the beginning they lived with the groom's family and her MIL called my mother to complain about her housekeeping and cooking skills. I think my sister was depressed but this caused my mother a great deal of stress!

Such a tiny baby needs round the clock care. This must be overwhelming for Jess. Your family will remain in my prayers.

Susan
  #97  
Unread 05-13-2005, 06:44 AM
Jess's baby girl

Jene, how are you, Jess, and that precious little girl A'maya Nicole? Did Jess follow through with the aunt watching the baby during the week? Do you think this will end after graduation?
I hope and pray that all is well with you, Jess, and the baby.
  #98  
Unread 05-17-2005, 06:01 PM
Jess's baby girl

I was 29 when I had my baby out of wedlock, but I have to say, I learned MUCH over the past 15 years!!

1. Many churches have single mother groups. You share ideas about parenting, home tips, social services, and offer support to each other.
2. My church had a sister church that had a HUGE yard sale. Afterwards, what ever wasn't sold was put into a barn, and we were invited to come pick what ever we wanted. They arranged a truck and guys to deliver everything. I got a crib, a rocking chair, a small table and two stools, a dresser, and many other wonderful things.
3. Many of the women I met went on to become wonderful friends, and we exchanged babysitting when ever needed.
4. Having a baby does not give you legal rights, especially if the father's name is on the birth certificate. If your daughter ever wants to go to Mexico or Canada, she will need WRITTEN permission from the father. Getting a passport without his permission is not possible. I went into the courts when my son was four and got the legal paperwork that gives me "full and legal custody." We also set up child support payments during this time, although I cut the father a great deal - in return, he's never been in my son's life, and it seems to work well. Now when we go on vacation, I just bring his birth certificate, and a copy of the legal document.
5. Buy used - not new! Like a baby is going to know designer names or brands!! (But check everything carefully, and go on line to make sure nothing has been recalled.)
6. No one can tell me how to parent my child - and any suggestions come out as criticism, even though later, I can look back and say "Dang! They were right."
7. Hormones are HORRIBLE! Whether you just gave birth, or had a hysterectomy!!
8. Grandparents have the awful position of knowing everything and being able to do nothing but be there. Tell your daughter that you love her and that you are there if she needs you. Once she knows that you won't judge her for her decisions, she will be more free in coming to you when she needs you.
9. Now that the baby is born, and your daughter is over 18, she is eligible for MANY things. Insurance, monthly pay, foodstamps, scholarships to schools, WIC, reduced daycare, the list goes on and on.
10. This too, shall pass - no matter what "THIS" is.

I just found your posting today - and already I feel like a member of the family. Sending many hugs and fishes!!!
  #99  
Unread 05-20-2005, 12:33 AM
Jess's baby girl

good evening ladies,

i am sorry that it has taken me so long to post again. but i have been very busy lately....taking care of my grandchild.

yes, i did end up taking the time off from work to care for little A'mya (had beem spelling it wrong). and the decision to do so was Jessi's. she called me at work the friday before she was due to return to school and asked me if it was too late to take the time off from work. i spoke with my manager almost immediately, getting the time off was not a problem. jessi and i had discussed (not argued) earlier in the week. but the final decision was her. although, i did ask her if she wanted to be away from her baby for a week at a time. apparently she didn't.

now, when she comes home from school the first thing she does is go straight to A'mya's crib to give her a kiss. i think she misses her while she's at school.

the baby does spend time with her father. he comes over some times in the evenings before going to work (he works nights). and she spent this past weekend with him.

jess still wants to go to school in the fall. a local college is offering her a scholarship to play volleyball. and they will provide an apartment for her and A'mya. plus day care while she is in class and at practice. the only problem is that these facilities won't be ready until the spring semester at the earliest. although she can still get a dorm room for herself, we still have to provide day time care for the baby until the spring. Jessi really wants to play volleyball and continue her education. so please pray that things work out ok for her and that she is able to attend school in the fall.

i thank you all so much for your support throughout all of this.

hugs, jene
  #100  
Unread 05-20-2005, 06:46 AM
Jess's baby girl

Jene, you had me worried when we did not hear from you.
I am so happy for you that it worked out with Jess and A'mya
staying with you. It sounds like Jess is adjusting to being a mother, and you are being very supportive of Jess's decisions.
Being a big believer in education, I hope and pray that Jess is
able to attend college. Jess really does have the greatest mom
who will be supportive of whatever her future plans may be.
A'maya also has the greatest grandma who will always be there for her with unconditional love.
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