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Advice on teenage son Advice on teenage son

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  #1  
Unread 04-18-2005, 09:31 PM
Advice on teenage son

I have kind of a long story. I am a single mom who divorced my 2 childrens father because he was emotionally and physically abussive. That was 15 years ago and I have come a long way and grown as a person since then. But it has been hard on my son who is now 18 and will graduate this year. Briefly my sons story is that he is bi-polar/adhd/and suffers depression. FROM the time he was diagnosed I tried 2 get help from social service,the school etc i was told nothing could be done until he committed a crime and because he was 14 at the time i could not force him to take the meds that would help him. So he began self medicating with drugs=alcohol and eventually did get into trouble with the law and was put into a foster home. Well actually this was a blessing because now he has 2 take meds go 3 counseling etc. he and I are very close and he was so supportive when i was at the hospital. He wrote me a beautiful letter then which he asked my forgiveness for all the pain he had caused our family and thanked me for being his mother,father,and best friend. the problem now is that he and his 16 year old girlfriend have just had a baby boy he wants me to get a place for all of us to live together. I have been waiting for a home to be built for 5 years and it will be completed in august this year. I live with my dad who 1s 71 and still angry with my son and hurt by his past acts. Also my mom has been in a rehab for a surgury she had 9 months agoand is coming home in may. Also my 16 old daughter is still angry with her brother so he cant come here to stay until august. He has to leave the foster home the day he graduates and wants me to rent a place, But I feel my parents need me and also i dont have the finances now and need all the $ i make now for the move in august. My son has been drinking since the baby was vborn and had been clean and sober for 18 months this worries me 2 about us living together. Anyway he wont speak to me because i suggested we discuss other living arrangements etc,
He is now blaming me again for his situation. I love him but dont know what 2 do. Help I need some advice and wish I had some
good positive advice for all of u. God Bless Larissa 48
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  #2  
Unread 04-19-2005, 02:00 PM
Advice on teenage son

Hi Ladies,
Well as mom to a 13 year old, step mom to a whole team of kids, 19, 24, 25, and 28, I can say I do have a teeny bit of experience. I will see if I can impart some wisdom or some comfort. It is not easy, but these kids sometimes are products of the homes they were bought up in, different stressors from previous homes, parents, etc. Kids test their limits on thier parents, cuz thats how kids learn. My own dear sweet lil baby has turned into some being from Hell in the past few months, and no I dont like it, but I have to love him unconditionally, show him where he went wrong and teach him if he screws up, he has to deal with it, and earn forgiveness. He does know what no screw up, big or small will stop me from loving him.

My 19 yo DSD has just got done serving time for armed robbery and is pregnant. Do I like those odds?? No not at all, and yes I am very upset about the pregnancy. I dont see it being good at all cuz the daddy is a big loser. However, it is her problem, and all DH and I can do is be here, give whatever knowledge and advice she will take, and pray she comes to her senses. It doesnt stop any feelings, and I am terrified for her and her BF to come into my house. But I have a choice, alienate her when she needs the love and support or accept her choices in the matter and again pray that she comes to her senses.

My step kids have all been in trouble, and now they will all have children. As far as I know, the girls are doing ok. DSS is a bit of a wild one, but he is great with his son, and does see him all the time. The oldest girl doesnt speak to us at all, and that is her choice, we still love her and pass on that info as often as we can through her siblings. The ball is in her park, and yes it hurts we cannot see the grandkids, but forcing the issue will only make the rift worse.

My advice is: tell your kids, step kids, foster kids whatever relation they are to you, that no matter what you love them unconditionally and are there for them when they need you. Tell them it hurts you when they make choices, but you understand it is their choice to make. Communicate with them, and try to help them without giving advice, cuz that will always give them an out if things go wrong. Tell them the door is always open, but if they visit or live under your roof, your rules go, no ifs ands or buts. (Larissa, if DS wants to live under your roof, give him a time frame to be clean and sober, for example, 3 mos sober and you can talk about it. First drunk or drinkin incident, he is out, but baby and mom can stay. however you need to have it!!) Dont ever feel guilty for setting rules with them, and DO NOT ever let them blame you. If they do blame you for example, getting a g/f pregnant, tell them you were not there and ask them to explain HOW you are at fault. Furthermore, if you cannot get through to them, do not beat yourself over it. Set it aside and carry on with your life. I blamed my parents for everything, but finally realized that yes they made mistakes, but I made the choices!!

Hugs and good luck
Kat
  #3  
Unread 04-19-2005, 03:57 PM
Wink - Advice on teenage son TEENAGERS

KAT, THANK U SO MUCH FOR THE SOUND ADVICE . I WILL PRAY 4 YOUR DAUGHTER. I 2 BLAMED MY PARENTS UNTIL I HAD MY OWN. I KNOW THAT I HAVE MADE MISTAKES BUT I HAVE ALSO WORKED HARD TO INSTILL GOOD VALUES AND HAVE LOVED MY 2 CD UNCONDITIONALLY. BUT UNCONDITIONAL DOESNT MEAN WE HAVE 2 ACCEPT BLAME,EMOTIONAL ABUSE ETC. I HAVE BEEN READING THE ALANON BOOK WHICH HAS HELPED. THANKS AGAIN AND MY THOUGHTS ARE WITH ALL OF U OUT THERE WITH TEENS- BOY I WOULD LIKE 2 GO BACK 2 THOSE NOT SO TERRIBLE TWOS DAYS!!!!!! KEEP IN TOUCH LARRISSA
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  #4  
Unread 04-22-2005, 10:22 AM
Smile - Advice on teenage son Advice on teenage son

Larissa,

Life can be so tough, can't it? I have four children and I could write my own very long story of alcohol, drugs, gangs, unwed motherhood, teenage depression, you name it. It's too long and you have your own problems so I'll try not to go into it too much. In the early years, when it all began, I cried a lot. A whole lot.

I have a husband...a stable marriage of many years. We didn't argue a lot...we are not alchoholics or even moderate drinkers, so it never made sense that these things hit our family. We did not expect it.

Anyway, after several years, the scar tissue began to build. I realized that perhaps I had been sent to God's training camp to learn lessons in love. Until we are chosen for the camp, we never really understand human nature and can never really support our sisters and brothers. Perhaps we're judgemental and think of those with problems in a negative manner. As I grew up, I thought of alcoholids as weak people and pretty much despised them. Then God placed the malfunction I despised the most into the little boys I loved the most. That's when I began to learn that alchoholism and drug addiction ar not necessarily traits of bad people...the people afflicted overall are gentle kind beings held hostage by a brutal amber eyed beast. It takes magnificent strength to overcome it. Imagine how difficult it must be for them when we can't even say no to sugar or chocolate.

What advice can I give? Continue to love your children no matter what. Your support may be the difference between whether they pull it all together or not. Yet, even though we must love them, we also must come face to face with the cold reality that Survival of the Fittest rules and there may come a day when we have to accept some very sad challenges. The alchoholism may lead to crime, injury and sadly, death. They must also be fully expected to suffer the consequences of any and all bad decisions. I learned long ago that it's great if you care. It's wonderful if you and your child both care. But if you are the only one who cares about the situation, you suffer a lot of misery and waste a lot of time. Until he cares enough to make changes, life will be hell.

You face a tough decision when you consider having your son live with you. Is he a monster when he drinks? Is the danger more than it's worth? Will you be able to completely love the grandchild or will he/she be an unwelcome guest in an overcrowded home? (My grandchild l lives with me and is the greatest gift I've ever held, so good things could happen too!) Will your son and his girlfriend be responsible or will their presence be an irritant?

Okay. That's long. There's no way to shorten misery is there? Anyway. life has a way of working in opposites. One tragedy may lead to greatest joy, just as great joy may lead to great sadness. Hang in there sister. The passage of time heals a lot of wounds.
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