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Last night I lost it .... Last night I lost it ....

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Unread 05-17-2005, 04:20 AM
Last night I lost it ....

I really don't know what got over me. I've been trying so hard to put up a brave face, be positive and generally stay upbeat through all this cancer, recurrence and now chemo. But last night I was in the bathroom and happened to catch a glance of myself in the mirror and just starting sobbing uncontrollably. My husband was watching TV, my stepdaughter had gone to her jazzercise class. What's left of my hair was hurting the past two days and yesterday the rest of what was left came out. I'm bald now. I had thought I had come to term with all this -but I guess not.

I couldn't stop crying. I thought of how my life has changed .... My body is not what it was. I look sick, pale, dark purply stuff under my eyes, most of my nails are covered with white streaks, my scalp has a few hairs sticking out, my belly sticks out and the rest of me looks like a skeleton. I have no energy, even when I can attempt to do something, I end up paying for it by being exhausted.

I'm sorry to be whining ...I know many women here have been through worse and I know people keep telling me how it will soon be over and all will be OK. But I wonder if I'll ever really get over it - maybe physically I'll feel and look better but mentally I doubt I'll ever trust my body again. Every ache and pain will bring about anxiety - I feel like a failure. I went to the "Look Good Feel Better" program before the chemo but it seems that the strength I felt then has evaporated -I knew this was the only place I could turn to.

When I left the bathroom I couldn't stop - I tried to watch TV with my husband but kept silently crying while watching the final episode of "Everyone Loves Raymond". When my husband noticed he kept asking if I was in pain, what was wrong. I told him I didn't know -I just felt like crying - he tried to console me, telling me we'd get through this, that he loved me, that I needed to be strong and positive because we have so many things to do and places to see together. We have a condo in Florida that needs furniture he tells me - I just kept crying harder. He made me a tea and eventually I stopped, but the feelings are still there.

Well, it's Tuesday morning...after taking a sleeping pill I managed to sleep but I feel like I'm not here. I'm watching smeone else's life ...have to get ready to go to the hospital for the bloodwork - I really don't want to go - why should I go, I really don't care anymore what happens. I have 3 more chemos to go through -how will I ever do that?

Sorry again to be such a failure - I should be breezing through all this with a smile on my face ..perky and positive. I guess writing this will help be feel better......
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Unread 05-17-2005, 04:38 AM
Last night I lost it ....

You most certainly have the right to a good cry. Your body has been through alot and you have more to come. We all cry one way or another when facing chemo and cancer.

So go ahead and cry and scream whenever you need to. Release of emotions is thereapeutic.

You have more strength than you know. You will get through this. Vent to this forum whenever you need.

Unread 05-17-2005, 04:41 AM
Last night I lost it ....

Oh {{{Maxime}}}, you sweetheart.

You are not a failure or a whiner! I read your post and you tore my heart up. I had to stop and pray for your suffering to subside.

For expressing how you feel tells me that you really do want to go on and you can!

I don't think anyone that is going through this can be "perky and positive" all of the time. That would not be real.

Next time you look at yourself in the mirror, look at you as a strong and vibrant woman who wants to survive.

I'm certain you are absolutely beautiful even with out any hair. I think your husband thinks so too.

You are beautiful because you want to fight this and win! That alone makes you beautiful.

I do not have cancer but, my mother does. She is 70 now, fighting and winning!

I will keep you in my prayers sweetie. I'm glad you came here to talk to your sisters. I know they will help you.

Many blessings to you! Take care!


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Unread 05-17-2005, 05:22 AM
Last night I lost it ....


You are NOT a failure!!!!! Never say that!!!!!

You are incredibly brave. You are fighting back. You are at war, and are defeating this awfulness that has invaded your body.

You have every right to be emotional. You are showing you are a feeling, emotive feminine woman, not a robot. Let your DH support you. Confide your fears. You don't have to do this by yourself.

Last but not least, you have this site, and all the women who are standing by to give you their personal advice, and support.

Unread 05-17-2005, 05:34 AM
Last night I lost it ....

Hi Maxime, I can't say that I know what you are going through but I do know that it is similar to what my mom is also going through now. She had such a problem losing her hair also and she cried over it more times then I can count. It breaks my heart to see her so sad and it breaks my heart to read your post. My mom actually hasn't mentioned anything about a recurrance until a few days ago. She started crying on the phone with me and said what if it comes back. I can't tell you how hard it was for me. I just kept trying to reassure her and tell her about all of you brave women that are fighting this like she is and doing well. Then when I hung up with her all I wanted to do was cry. Please try to stay strong. I know it is hard. Just keep thinking positive and remember you will get through this. My mom just told me she feels she will never be the same again. She still has 3 chemos left and she feels pretty bad. She is feeling similar to the way you are feeling now and i'm sure it is very normal. Just know that there are people out there that care. Sometimes it just helps to vent and this is exactly the place to do it. I will pray that you get through this and can put this whole experience behind you soon. Hugs, Laurie
Unread 05-17-2005, 05:54 AM
Last night I lost it ....

Hi Maxime,

I cried along with you as I read your post. Not because I felt sorry for your but because I was able to relate to everything that is bothering you.

I personally lost it quite a few times during my chemo treatments. They were having a hard time finding my veins and I just did not want to play this game anymore. I actually wanted to go home and roll the dice.

But..... then my oncologist came to talk to me. She told me that if we did not have and show these feelings then she would think that something is definately wrong!!

Loosing my hair twice was the absolute hardest thing for me. That bare maniquen ( spelling not correct) is the worst but on the bright side, it does grow in.

Hang in there my friend. There definately is an end to all this madness. As you said, just 3 more treatments for you to go.

Unread 05-17-2005, 07:50 AM
Last night I lost it ....

Dear Maxime,

You are not a whiner nor a failure. I cannot relate to losing your hair but I can relate to everything else. I remember when I first looked at myself in the mirror after my radical hysterectomy. I lost it. I couldn't believe I now had a humongous scar on my abdomen. It even curvers around my belly button. Then around the last two weeks of external radiation the feelings of just not going back ran through my head. Finally, about a week after my external was through....I had to go into the hospital for a 1 day internal. By that time, I wanted to scream. My whole year (actually 7 months) was consumed with cancer and I just wanted it to stop.

I'm sorry for the novel.....I just want you to know that what you are going through is normal. It doesn't mean that you are whiny or a failure.

Unread 05-17-2005, 08:03 AM
Last night I lost it ....

Oh Maxine, you sound so very very sad. I'm crying with you as I read your post.

I haven't been through what you're going through, I can only imagine how bad it is for you but things will get better you know, but that's easy for me to say.

You've come to the right place, where everyone will pray for you and support you. I just hope that things get better for you really soon and that you're much more able to cope.

Here's a little prayer I thought you might like. It's called "Don't Quit".

"When things go wrong as they sometimes will;
when the road you're trudging seems all uphill;
when funds are low and debts are high
and you want to smile but you have to sigh;
when care is pressing you down a bit,
rest if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is strange with its twists and turns
as every one of us sometimes learns,
and many a failure turns about
when they might have won had they stuck it out.

Don't give up though the pace seems slow,
you may succeed with another blow.
Success is failure turned inside out,
God's hidden gift in the clouds of doubt.

You never can tell how close you are,
it may be near when it seem so far.
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit.
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit."

I'm praying for you Maxine.

Unread 05-17-2005, 08:19 AM
Last night I lost it ....


Just by getting through this day by day, you are brave.

Cancer is a sucky disease, and sometimes I think the treatment is even worse than the disease itself. When my dad had cancer 10 years ago, I remember saying that someday people would view chemo like we do the old practice of blood letting today. When I was diagnosed with cancer last year, I remember thinking the same thing. It's no walk in the park, but you got through it last time and you will again. I had plenty of crying jags myself. If I wasn't too nauseated, about all I could do to stop was eat chocolate. Guess it's true about those endorphins!

I haven't recurred (yet), but I know it must be doubly depressing to have to lose your hair again. I put my vast hat collection and wig in a box up in the attic about 6 weeks ago and remember thinking how I never want to open that box again.

Just know we're all here for you to rant and whine with. I hope you're having a better day today.
Unread 05-17-2005, 08:23 AM
Last night I lost it ....

s Maxime

I too cried as I read your post. I think what you are feeling is totally normal and we all go thru it or have already been thru it.

You are a strong woman Maxime. You have a good family support system. You have to keep fighting as I know you will.

When I get down like that, I visualize all of the small children who go thru chemo. We have all seen pictures of them on TV with their bald heads and big smiles. I figure that if they can do this, then I can do it. They are an inspiration to me. Try to find that person or persons in your life. It really will help.

You will get thru have just reached a small bump in the road. We are here for you 24/7

Love and s

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