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how do you give up on a dream? how do you give up on a dream?

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  #1  
Unread 05-26-2005, 09:03 PM
how do you give up on a dream?

Greetings all.
I'm hoping for some advice on how to grieve the loss of my dream to have a baby.
Here's my story:
Abortion at 16 with many regrets but always reminded myself that I was way too young.
Married at 26 and had a son at 27 then separated at 29. A sad story about cheating and it's not worth getting into. I did the right thing in getting out of that situation.
During our separation I had an ectopic pregnancy at 30 with my first post marriage lover and had an emergency surgery that caused me to lose my right fallopian tube. So much drama that I didn't date for quite a while.
Then finally when I thought there was hope for a family again, I married at 37 to a wonderful man and we hoped to have at least one child. Unfortuantely he experienced some job stability and depression which didn't lend itself towards our baby dreams....then I developed all sorts of issues with cysts and fibroids and it looks like I won't have all my parts functioning for much longer.
So here I am a few weeks shy of 40 with my laparoscopy and hysteroscopy a few days away and feeling very skeptical. Maybe it would be better to avoid the possibility of repeated procedures and go straight to hyster. Then we could find some new dreams like travel or buying a cottage or big boat and live it up.
But every time I see a baby or a pregnant women I have intense emotional reactions. Maybe it's the Lupon I'm on or sleep deprivation but it's a dream turned into a burden and I think it's time to let it go.
Thanks
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  #2  
Unread 05-27-2005, 01:34 PM
how do you give up on a dream?

Dear Sandra:

I think it's normal to grieve the loss of your options, regardless of your family size. I was past 40, DH had a vasectomy, and we had two girls (one adopted & one homemade), so I thot we had put all that baby stuff behind me, BUT I still felt like I was losing control of my *choice*.

I hope your heart feels better soon. I am sending huge cyberhugs
  #3  
Unread 05-27-2005, 01:59 PM
how do you give up on a dream?

Hi

I understand your feelings of seeing other women with babies. I have had those feelings. Wondering why some women have babies they don't want while I can't have all the children I want....

I finally realized that I was focusing on the wrong thing. Life isn't about fairness. It is about enjoying and doing the best with what you are given. I was so wrapped up in what I didn't have that I wasn't really enjoying what I had. So, whenever I felt those "monster feelings" I would force myself to do something loving for my husband. (At that time, my first child had died, I didn't think I would be able to have any more). I would focus on what I did have with him, not on what I didn't have.

It is sorta like either looking at a cup half full or half empty. However, I realized that if we are cups, we are all cups made for different drinks (is this analogy too far out, or what?) I started then looking at my cup as full, with what it was intended for. When I did finally have another child, guess what? My cup got bigger. I had another child die, and guess what? I filled it with more focus on the husband and child I did have, no room for the regrets and discouragements that I could to nothing about.

I don't know if this sort of thinking will work for everyone, but just wanted to share what works for me.

You do need to allow yourself a time of grieving. Hey, I still cry sometimes and It has been 25 years since the death of my first child. (I talked to a 97 year old woman the other day who was crying over a child of hers who had died over 70 years ago.) Just don't give your WHOLE life over to grieving. Allow yourself to live too.

's
Kay
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  #4  
Unread 05-31-2005, 01:42 PM
how do you give up on a dream?

I'm not sure exactly why, but your post touched me...it just made me stop in my tracks. I'm only 23--had my hyst last year at age 22. I had two miscarriages (one at 12 yrs old, another at 19) so I never actually had any children...something you said just hit me. I'm not exactly sure how to explain it....it was the line you used.."...its a dream turned into a burden..and its time to let it go." You're right! It's taken me 6 months to get to this point, but all this time I've been greiving for what will never be. I feel guilt because of what happened when I was younger...but you're right. I have to let it go. Thank you all so much for opening my eyes! You are such strong, wonderful women. Thank you so much. I wish you the best in all of this, and you will be in my thoughts.

Sincerely, ChristinaLeigh
  #5  
Unread 06-01-2005, 08:17 PM
support

To all my grieving sisters,

There are so many of us out here, and I can only add myself to the list. There is not much I can say as far as making you all feel better about the situation , because I still grieve over what might have been.....and it has been a very long time... so what works for one may not work for others , as one of our sisters just said.

I do know that if you focus on what you do not have , then it becomes a monster to deal with.... and it is not easy to get yourself to derail your thinking .....and I am sorry I do not have an answer, either....I am still learning and am trying to get a job so that I do not have so much time to think ..... I hope it comes soon.....Lots of love and support, Reeni
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