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Mother-In-Law Mother-In-Law

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  #1  
Unread 06-20-2005, 06:43 AM
Mother-In-Law

I was SO angry last night. DH's mom called, and they're COMING 10 days after my surgery for a party somebody is throwing for them. (They live 3 states away.) She doesn't know about my surgery. It's a total BAD coincidence. I REALLY didn't want her to know about my hyst, and especially the tummy tuck! I still don't. It's private. So, they're going to show up, and I'm going to be 10 days out from major surgery.
Now I'm faced with having to tell her beforehand, so she doesn't figure out that I was trying to keep it from her. Then, she'll want to come on over even earlier - which I don't want. I'm NOT comfortable with her in my home. She always wants to run things. But this is MY thing. I'm running it. Or, I thought I would be.
I'm so mad. I told DH last night. I really wanted this, MY surgery, to be in MY control. I had it ALL planned out. Now this.
I don't want visitors. I just want to be alone, with my little family, and get well. No visitors. Especially my in-laws!
They're coming in to go to this big party with ALL the local relatives, a family party that I would normally be expected to go to also. So the questions, Where's Donna? Why isn't she here? OH! What did she have done? Oh, my. Does the whole planet have to know about my surgery?!?! I really didn't want any of them to know.
My hysterectomy is private, and if she knew about the tummy tuck, it would just be me spending her son's money. (Nevermind that I work too.) I just wanted to do the whole thing privately.
I'm really mad about it. (Can you tell?) But, there's nothing to do. I can't move my surgery up, July 5 is the first available date. I can't move it back, I need to get this done while the kids are in summer day camp.
I'm so mad. I didn't want my MIL to know. (Are you begining to get that I really didn't want her to know?)

Donna - scheduled for TVH (keeping ovaries), hernia repair, and mini tummy tuck on July 5, 2005.
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  #2  
Unread 06-20-2005, 07:10 AM
Mother-In-Law

They won't be staying with you will they?
1st: She NEVER has to know about the TT.
2nd: It doesn't have to be a hyst--maybe you had a hernia repair and appendix out.
I'm sorry you may have to deal with them. Your dh better be supportive of you and help you out with them! He has all us LIW's and princesses to account to.
  #3  
Unread 06-20-2005, 07:12 AM
MIL

Dom't you just love family? Not! I think it would be best to tell them about the hysterectomy and not the tummy tuck (nobody eaver said you have to tell everything you know) and that you will not be up to visitors or attending a family party. I don't know what you financial situation is, but perhaps your DH could call them and offer to foot the bill for a hotel for them. Your DH needs to stand up to them--YOU are his family now!
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  #4  
Unread 06-20-2005, 09:44 AM
Mother-In-Law

Hi, So sorry that you have to deal with this just 10 days after your surgery. My suggestion is to talk with your DH and explain your feelings about your mother in law's visit. As for telling her what your having done that is completely up to you because honestly it isn't anyone elses business. I would hope that she would be supportive after any kind of surgery, but some people react differently then others. Let me share my recovery story with you. I recently had the TVT procedure and was out of work a week for recovery. The surgery went great and I heeled just fine. My dear Mom came and "helped" me each day for the week I was at home. I thought I would go insane. Each day she came over she would say "Do you realize that when you go back to work they are going to fire you. By Friday of that week I was ready for a mental hospital. My mother in law on the other hand was just wonderful and I couldn't have made it without her. I don't even want to think about having a hysterectomy anytime soon, but my Dr has already mentioned that will be next on the agenda. I think I'll play it safe next time and thank her for her offer to help, but nicley decline. Hang in there. I hope you have a safe and uneventful surgery. Stay well and take care! Melanie
  #5  
Unread 06-20-2005, 03:37 PM
Mother-In-Law

If your in-laws think they are going to be staying with you, you and your DH need to come up with a different plan. If they are coming into town for a family gathering and there are other local family members...can they stay with one of them?

I understand not wanting your MIL to know all your business or to run your home for you while you recover. I think you do need to tell her that you had major surgery, though, and that you cannot attend the party or have guests right now. Don't mention the TT...it is none of her business. As far as "spending her son's money" goes...is all of your FIL's money his? Doesn't she then spend it??? I try to shield those kind of comments with similar ridiculous answers and humor so that the person making them might wake up and realize they need to SHUT UP!

I agree that you need your DH's full support with this and that you need to agree to the same story (whatever you decide it will be) to avoid questions. As for the rest of the family...they will wonder where you are and let them....at least you didn't have to go to the party!

Good luck and try not to stress too much. Control what you can and let the rest go. Take care,

Maggiemay
  #6  
Unread 06-20-2005, 05:20 PM
Mother-In-Law

Thank you so much for all your comments.

You are all right.

I plan on telling MIL about my upcoming surgery next week, and acting like it just came up. I will try to avoid explicit details, and only say that it's an TAH with hernia repair (it's a TVH, but the TAH will help explain my adbominal incision and stooped appearance).

She may NOT stay at my home. She can stay at her mother's home.

I will stand my ground now, and hopefully prevent any goings-on that I wouldn't want going on while I'm flat on my back.

Thanks again for your caring comments. You understand it SO much better than my DH. (His comment was, "there's nothing to do about it to change it, so, why are you so mad?" Ugh. Men.)

Thanks again girls.
  #7  
Unread 06-20-2005, 06:31 PM
MIL

At some point before your surgery you have to sit you DH down and give him a BIG reality check! Defintely go to the checkpoints section of the website and HAVE HIM READ IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  #8  
Unread 06-20-2005, 06:56 PM
Mother-In-Law

Why don't you tell your mother in law that you are having hernia surgery and that your mother is coming to stay with you and help to take care of you. Tell her that you are sorry that there won't be room for her but that thank goodness she has her Mother to stay with. Chicky Poo
  #9  
Unread 06-20-2005, 08:10 PM
Mother-In-Law

This is a no brainer. You really have no choice if you consider your privacy the sacred thing here. Reschedule your surgery. You write that this is totally innocent on her part. Other family members are going to be there too. If it is too much for you-reschedule. Your surgery is not life or death. Sounds like this situation is.
  #10  
Unread 06-21-2005, 06:29 AM
Mother-In-Law

Hi Pearle,
I can't reschedule due to my work schedule. I totally cleared out July, and everything is set for August, depositions, hearings, and such. I can't do anything to change that now - depositions have been set and we're on a deadline set by the Judge to get them done.
I worked all this out with my work so I'd have a window of time open to do this - and I can't even move my surgery up, as the doctors can't to it until July 5. If I could do it today, it would be a lot better - but I can't.
So, I'm doing it on July 5, MIL or no MIL.
Yes, my DH needs to be more educated about this whole process - he knows nothing about the recovery. I was telling him last night about the possible nausea, and the gas pains, and the constipation, and how I'll have to walk with a pillow pressed to my abdomen. . .
his comment was, "Is there anything redeeming about these procedures?!?" I answered him: "Yes, in about 6 months I am going to feel better and look better too."
No, he doesn't have a clue. My mother and sister live in town, and they will be helping me.
Thanks for your comments
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