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Teenage daughters power struggles or PMS induced or both? Teenage daughters power struggles or PMS induced or both?

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  #11  
Unread 07-13-2005, 11:28 AM
Teenage daughters power struggles or PMS induced or both?

I understand where your coming from, and what your going thru, I had a sister like your daugher growing up, and seen what she put her thru, and it seems that i've givin birth to my sister, because my daughter acts just like her. So I head everything off at the pass before it get's to far.

I'm glad we all could help you, it seems that you don't have anyone to talk to you.

Hugz

Bernadette
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  #12  
Unread 07-13-2005, 03:12 PM
Teenage daughters power struggles or PMS induced or both?

Dear Wildwood,
I feel for you and send you hugs.
My problems with my fifteen year old daughter and my "naughty boy" husband pale into insignificance beside yours. I would hope that she will have grown out of it by the time she's 24 - that isn't "teenage rebellion" anymore!
Take care of yourself,
Clare
  #13  
Unread 07-13-2005, 05:33 PM
Teenage daughters power struggles or PMS induced or both?

In some ways I was very lucky as during the actual teen years this same girl was a wonderful daughter. She had some school trouble due to her dyslexia, but not the usual out late, bad friends or much of any of that stuff. She can make up to 400.00 a day now, so thank goodness she was a success. Like I said we were very close, but like all mother daughter things we had our moments. I think one reason I could "stand it" for so long is that it has only been in the last 10 years or so that my husband was around for any amount of time, that is when the kids were here, as his two jobs involved being gone all the hours kids are usually home, to include national guard summer camp. I really didn't know just how bad, he really was with kids on a day to day basis. In a lot of ways I was sorry I had asked for his help by changing shifts. I think this was exactly how I was supposed to feel. Sorry I asked. I still have two more kids to go and am really grateful my 17year old is pretty good. Sometimes mouthy, but I don't ask for hubbies help, just take something away or refuse to give her any funds for her fun. We did buy her a car (isn't really hers till she starts paying for it, we hold the title till then) and that is a real good leverage or as Dr. Phil say "currency" to barter with. thanks again
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  #14  
Unread 07-14-2005, 03:53 PM
Teenage daughters power struggles or PMS induced or both?

I would suggest family counseling for the whole family, not just you and your husband and oldest daughter. I would wager a guess that this is affecting the younger girls too. Infact, you might want to do some one-on-one counseling with the younger girls, so that they understand that how the oldest DD is acting is unacceptable, instead of thinking that they too can act this way. Many times when "Mom" has had surgery or is ill, or is no longer "superwomen" others will rebel. This is because we are the corner stone and pillar of strength, and when down, it means that the world isn't the crowning glory that all those around us assume that it is. No we are not superwomen - we are human. And entitled to the same respect, love, illnesses, and feelings of dispair as anyone else walking this earth, male or female. I think your husband may be forgetting this. The military says "Buck up soldier" - but honey, you ARE NOT in the military - you are part of a family!

As for any child: The law states that you have to only supply food, basic clothing (and I don't mean designer) and shelter. The bedroom does not even have to have a door! Privacy, fun, games - that's all priveledge. Only the three basics are mandatory. AND, only until age 18. I had a friend once who studied family law. She had this step-son who was truly the devil's child. So, her husband and her removed his door, took out all electronics (tv, games, telephone), bought him three pairs of blue jeans, three white tee-shirts, basic tennis shoes, and three pairs of socks. She told him "THIS is what I am expected, BY LAW, to give you. If you want one thing more, you will have to earn it!" He eventually moved out, and learned the hard way, that even with those three basics, he had it better at home then anywhere else (including jail).
  #15  
Unread 07-15-2005, 03:36 AM
Her "abuse" mimics his

I have, after years of pretty much "Guilt induced" attempts at correction of self, or self blame and many failed attempts to communicate with either of them in other mutually respecting healthier ways, realized my husband (and more than likely my daughter too) is one of two things, extremely avoidant of acepting any personal responsibility (therein the passive appearence ) or totally self asorbed (therein the aggression if others have other needs, wants or wishes to the contrary). Neither of which is "healthy" for me or the remainder of my family. I guess this concerns me so much as my next to oldest daughter abuses me, in the almost identical way my husband does. I didn't think he was "around enough for long enough" for her to learn this so quickly. WRONG. Nothing I say, do or think has any value, worth or credibility. Neither is interested in how I feel or want to be treated, but more it getting what they want, irregardless of the price or how much hateful manipulation occurs........ to them the ends justify the means or however that saying goes. They both "lose it" curse, demand, feel entitled, act like total children, have low frustration levels, rewrite themselves as victims, forget "reality" of what they did say or do, and then act like nothing happened at all in five minutes time, are unrelentingly persistant, cannot take NO for a response in any form, see disagreement as personal attacks, act aggressively, forget, rewrite, deny, blame, and act aggressively,forget, rewrite, deny and blame and both "hit below the belt" when they don't get immediate compliance or agreement with what they want, when they want it, and EXACTLY how they want it and/or otherwise are more interested in oppositional defiance, use of third parties to control situations to their liking, expect compliance/affirmation irregardless of what "threats" they have used to have their own way, or make others pay, resort to very demeaning acts towards me (and sometimes other family members) , thinly covered as self assertiveness, and are more interested in "power over" than in healthy, respectful, honest, mutually satisfying interactions and communication. I respect the obvious suggestions for counseling, but.............I have yet to find one that sees this for what I do, control by abusive interactions and threats and a total lack of respect for others. I did find one that treated children under 15 that suggested ADD or some other learning disability type disorder as the possible cause......but they we were all too old to be counseled by her. I also see that their esteem is directly tied to WHO and WHAT they can aggressively control or power over. I have been severly changed by interactions with them, am worn out by the struggle, still feel "responsible" some how....... and I am afraid to confess..........finding myself becoming LIKE (loud, agruementative, unmoveable, intolerant, self vested etc) them from too much exposure to them. This is NOT my idea of how to co exist and communicate or show love. That is MY guilt in the deal. My attempts to "hold my ground" make me feel crazy- like, as the "acting like nothing ugly or mean or whatever" on their part took place seems to "bait" me to seek clarification, understanding and SOLUTIONS or worse resort to THEIR type communication to end the abusive communication. IN short the frustration/failed communication, accusations....... have driven me to take extreme measures to self protect, that often (to me anyway) seem as if I am as "abusive" as they. By this I mean if you spend all your time "defending self" against the onslaught, you lose your tolerance for their right to their views. This is where the oppositional defiant stuff is nutty making. Trouble is their views, HAVE to be yours. So you could say my total intolerence, to their abuse, is felt by me to be reactive counter abusive. I am after all "human" and I feel attack where there is one. You cannot ignore it. You cannot run, hide, dismiss or get away from it in a "family" enviroment. Or at least I am unable to find a way. Maybe if there weren't so many "weapons" at their disposal money, the minor children and siblings.........my feelings. If we could only agree to disagree, it might help. If withdrawl was an option. But I am realizing that It is this round robin pattern of interaction, that is "feeding my hurt/anger" and I realized I must not have interactions with either, until RESPECT comes back into the equation. In counseling my husband presents himself as cool, in control, understanding, educated, authoritive, reasonable and hopeful to "work" on solving the problem. I present as frustrated, adamant, intolerant and all the stuff I have become as a result of the "bull", not good. Counselor after counselor has missed the "point" or the origin of the problems. I finally found out that is because of the TYPE of counseling. It is tailor made for abusive people as it doesn't deal with the past at all but is solution focused. Meaning your modify behavior for good outcomes. Trouble is bullies rarely want to volunteer to modify their behavior, love "forgetting" the past, and stay in denial forever regarding how their behavior is THEIR problem or how their aggression and ill treatment of others is playing a role. Spoiled and bullylike people feel ENTITLED. It doesn't deal with the "issues" of control, passive aggression, years of abuse or manipulation at all. I appreciate the obvious, and after many "failed" counseling attempts where I felt MORE abused rather than understood..........that it has gotten to the point the ONLY way to avoid the stuff is to limit exposure and contact with either. Hey, I think you guys just helped me talk out my solution!!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks
  #16  
Unread 07-15-2005, 06:26 AM
Teenage daughters power struggles or PMS induced or both?



I was thinking about you last night, I'm glad to see you posted.
  #17  
Unread 07-15-2005, 06:53 AM
Teenage daughters power struggles or PMS induced or both?

I was always told when I took Psyc in highschool, that the best thing to do in order to fully understand your feelings, is to write it all down, wait awhile, then go back and read it later. It helps put things into perspective. I hope you find the courage to stop the abuse towards yourself. There is light at the end of the tunnel!!

Hugz

Bernadette
  #18  
Unread 07-15-2005, 09:33 AM
Teenage daughters power struggles or PMS induced or both?

If your family is not up for counseling, then I suggest you find a support group for yourself. You can not change others, you can only change yourself. You need to find that core YOU and get back to it - so that you don't end up like them. It's like what alanon teaches when dealing with the alcoholic. You can't control them, only yourself. Sending hugs and prayers that you take the initiative to find YOU today!!
  #19  
Unread 07-22-2005, 06:25 AM
Teenage daughters power struggles or PMS induced or both?

Good News! The daughter that was have having rages has taken herself to counseling!! It is a "student" program where the counselors are at the end of their education. Like apprentices or something, at the local college. I don't know how it will turn out. I know that she has a "tape" in her head or a "script" where she has totally lost sight of "reality" as to WHOM did or was, or is doing "what" to her. She sees me as attempting to control HER, when the reality is she is attempting to control ME, in my opinion. The lines about whom had "authority" over whom got really blurred back when she lived here, and she hasn't been able to let go of that. I sincerly hope she will find that while she may be angry and totally blaming me, (for every hurt she has suffered or imagined) she can unravel just "who" and what she is really mad at or about. I know when things came to a head while she was still in the home, and in my mind my being "reactive" to her (and her fathers) behavior I began to have "issues" with her over boundries and stuff, there were now and still are MAJOR issues with her attempts to control and with her disrespectful "acting out" behavior. She has some left over "issues" regarding the teasing about her weight and her dyslexia that peers did in grade school. Also I think her fathers "neglect" due to his workalcoholism played a BIG role. As did my "stresses" at ALWAYS being alone and having to do it mostly or all alone. Yes, my hysterectomy and other illnesses was the camel straw, catalyst for the problems coming to the surface, you all were right about that. There were some TERRIBLE fights with the husband because he wouldn't stop his me me's , get with the program, leave or see his role in things and I know that effected us all. I got mad as hell and wasn't going to take it anymore!!!!!!FINALLY I got through to him, some. I will take the blame I deserve for my part in the situation, but I will not take it all. He is still into demanding "forgetting and forgiving" on my part without his really seeing or correcting, though he is, in a man's way, doing his best to SEE and act according to the realities of the situation, not his denial of it. I guess this is REALLY hard for a man to do. He is so into "no conflict" he cannot see he is creating major conflict with his former attitudes and behaviors. HE too is very strong willed about "you seeing it HIS way". NOT, not anymore. My hubby participated in MAJOR projection of his bad behavior on the rest of us leaving us feeling "not good enough" and ME the prime "not good enough" rather than seeing things in HIMSELF that he needed to stop or start DOING. He was major into "when I retire" putting everything off till then. He has been doing that since forever. Like life was going to wait? Go figure? I think husband got so "into" his jobs and self, and HIS "other" life while also working so hard for the money....and nothing else EVER that he, like a lot of men, thought making the money was the ONLY thing required of him. by the way, Kudo's for Dr. Phil and his "role of a man" too bad more men don't watch this show. He developed an "attitude" rather than a loving leadership role. Funny how us moms can see the "impact" certain actions are having or going to have..........but men never do until it is far too late. The only problem is, to me, counseling only works if you are READY to be totally HONEST...in order to help yourself.......and she has a problem with that, as did my husband. We all deny bad things about our selves, but their denial is total, their tapes in their heads completely rewritten from "reality" and their blame ALWAYS projecting "fault" onto others. I think she picked up some really "unhealthy" manipulative tools from her father's need to deny and justify HIMSELF AND his actions. I probably "overcompensated" in unhealthy ways (medicating us with money/things at times ,something to do or to get "happy about", My coping attempts at dealing with my growing more angry daily with seething resentment towards husband's behavior (that he told my children was "all about my resentment of THEM) but I was just too tired and exhausted to always see it for what it was (parents blaming and shaming each other) and I "justified" . HE was being totally unreasonable regarding ANY spending on US. His near total emotional neglect of us through the years and his refusal to see HOW badly this was taking a toll. We were not a family that "played together". I did but he rarely came along with us or with just ME. I think he created this "totally spendthrift mom "tape", as his scapegoat as I know what came first and how "unreasonable" he was EVERY time I spent money "without his expressed consent", I did it anyway. I HAD to see to the needs of the family. He could never see even the necessary expenditures as valid. I finally "lost it" after my surgery(didn't just walk away with my marbles intact as I maybe should have) and that is MY guilt. Hopefully this will all come out, but I agree FAMILY counseling is the best case so the WHOLE truth could come out, but that happening is VERY doubtful. I am going to attempt to "just NOT think about it", for a while though, as dwelling is not helping, thanks again all.
  #20  
Unread 07-22-2005, 07:24 AM
Teenage daughters power struggles or PMS induced or both?

You go girl!!! Hopefully everything turns out better...keep us posted!
Hugz
Bernadette
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