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Teenage daughters power struggles or PMS induced or both? Teenage daughters power struggles or PMS induced or both?

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Unread 07-23-2005, 11:07 PM
Teenage daughters power struggles or PMS induced or both?


I wanted to give you some moral support. Your daughter sounds like my eldest. At 17 we had to kick her out of the house for her attitude as well. She was gone about 3 months and asked to come home. We agreed as long as the attitude stayed where she was and didnt come home with her. Well it didn't it came right back with a vengence. At 18 we kicked her out again, this time telling her she needed to learn just how tough life was. We knew it would be hard on her. But she wouldn't listen to us. She blamed us for everything that ever went wrong in her life. Well she ended up with this boy, (I say boy she said man) thought she was in "love". She said he was kind and sweet. But yet I heard stories about him abusing animals, drugs and alcohol. I tried to warn her about him but she still wasnt listening to me. So I cut the ties, said ok .. school of hard knocks. And hard knocks it was. He ended up beating her, and choking her while she was pregnant with their child. Needless to say he pulled the same old routeen of I am sorry I wont do it again... Bologna ... he did. Only she got wise and left him. Now fast forward 7 years.... I am always hearing "Mom thank you for kicking me out I was a brat, you did what you had to do, and I thank you for it. I learned so much about life and what it is suppose to be. If it wasnt for you and Dad kicking me out I would have never learned."

It takes time for the school of hard knocks, or tough love to work... be patient she eventually will see what she did to you and the family...

As for my eldest .. she has a beautiful son who is 7, and just had a daughter last summer. We talk often if not daily.

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Unread 07-25-2005, 06:11 AM
Marriage isn't going to make it

I am at the point I don't think my marriage is going to make it. Husband is 4 months from retirement and is STILL only thinking of himself. STILL making plans that don't include me..................STILL telling the children things and making promises that DON"T include my opinions on anything.

He is "on paper" spending the retirement windfall, and making ALL the decisions regarding how this will be done, refusing to consider my objections or input or be the slightest realistic about how far this windfall will go.

He actually thinks on 17,000 we can make all the home improvements and add ons and in his words "have fun for a year", double spending ............as any of you know it can cost 7,000 min. to just to add on a room, and our house has been steadly falling apart all these years he workalcoholicly ignored any repairs. (I stopped doing them all after my surgeries) From what I have heard a weeks stay in Disneyland can cost from 3000. and up. Do any of you think it is possible to do BOTH?

I really Do not see the point of his trip as he plans it , as we will come home and the house will STILL be falling apart and I will STILL have to rearrange every thing(which gets harder for me every year) JUST to try and find a spot for the Christmas tree again this year and for every year after that.

I will Still not have a "spillover/arts/painting/whatever room or get the dining table and the computer out of the living room room". AND we will still have NO room in our house for meals, seriously I have no where but the living room for the dining table, and there isn't but a max. of 6-8" between furniture and at the most a 4.4' clear space ANYWHERE in our house., and our deck will still be dangerously broken and on and on. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRrr!

Now that it is time to "pay the fiddler" and keep his promises to me regarding easing these situations, he wants to blow our retirement payout for unused sick time, and "play" and go to Disneyland!!!!!!!!!!!!! He wants us to stay with his sister, and I cannot bear that thought as though we have been married 27 years, I have talked to her TWICE!!!!!!!!!!

He has never been close to his family, and I have had the impression they have NEVER accepted me at all. I guess I should be thankful he doesn't want to gamble it away?

He is insistant about putting me on a budget of HIS chosing and long story short, has decided that HE will become Mr. Mom while I go off and do what he tells me to. His divisionary tactics are astounding. He is so into "his plans" STILL that he takes "objection by yelling or walking away" to me talking about mine or reminding him of his "promises" for the last ten years and longer to deal with these repairs/improvements at retirement. The "us" is never even spoken of and clearly we are not going to be on the same page at all even in retirement.

Everytime I trying and discuss the how and why of keeping the promise to add onto the house, he balks, sabotouges, threatens to clean the carport (we plan to make it a permanant room, not a place for junk to collect) by "giving or throwing it all away, without my input", will not get REAL about how we are going to do this, when or why and has "decided" the remainder of the windfall will pay bills and take "the kids", all but one that is grown now to Disneyland!!!!!!!!!

I really do not understand at all where he gets off and why he thinks "he is in charge" or what, when and where and how we will spend HIS retirement. Note the his retirement and HIS plans. Note how the money is STILL his to make decisions about. No matter it was me that "managed" when he wouldn't take a sick day to help, so we could make the improvements when he retired. Apparently he is docking me for the days HE did stay home, by vetoing my say in any of this, or by withholding his cooperation.

Sadly he has been telling the kids "his plans" for sometime now, even though he knows there is some severe disagreement about his on "wasting" this money on his need to "recapture" that which he would never do while the kids were little vs what we need to attend to NOW, and totally IGNORING MY request that instead we plan on taking smaller two or three day mini day/local attraction overnight trips things (more reasonable and age approriate) instead of one hugely costly vacation that the "kids" mostly outgrew years ago.

I have never been big on "canned entertainment" all the girls like museums and history stuff much better and I fear we will spend all our time "waiting in line" for stuff the kids don't want to do anyway.None of them are comfortable around this relative they don't even know, and frankly "the kids" have all way outgrown Mickey and Minnie. What is he THINKING?

Really they wouldn't know what to think, and would be afraid to tell him I am sure. Yes I do understand there is adult stuff at Disneyland, but it is soooooooooo expensive and that scares me to death, I couldn't enjoy it knowing going was going to mean I didn't get the "house fixed".

He is using his usual "bully" tactics to get the "kids" over to his side so I look like the villian in the deal and HE gets his way by "overriding my concerns" and going forth. They won't want to "disappoint daddy" and therefore will say they want to go when I KNOW they don't. He is going for majority rule AGAIN, by bully tactics so that he can have it HIS way. They don't have to do the work I have to do for the holidays so apparently it doesn't matter to ANYONE whether I he keeps his promises to me or not.

I am more into making our way too small house bigger, and better and more livable with the present needs and future "grandkids" and others coming to visit us in mind. This would Help MY mood greatly as I might have an "interest" in my house again. I am ashamed to have company, and there wasn't enough room when we bought it ten years ago. If we don't fix it I don't want to "grow old here".

It is something he "promised" for years and now he doesn't want to keep that promisary "carrot" he held in front of me all these years while I "did without and gave myself hernia's trying to "make do".

Frankly, I smell a self centered rat. What do I do?
Unread 07-25-2005, 06:29 AM
Teenage daughters power struggles or PMS induced or both?

Frankly, I smell a self centered rat. What do I do?

First thing i'd do is kick him in the forehead...lol..just kidding but it's a nice thought!
I'd be having a nice long talk with my kids with hubby not around, and explaining everything to them, finding out if they really wanted to goto Disney, and if they didn't..tell them that they don't have to go, they can stay home with you, because there's no way in God's green earth i'd ever go on vacation with him. And make sure you explain to you kids why you're not going, so that way they know why you're the "bad person". Stick to you're guns sister. And if DH wants to go, he can go and whichever kid wants to go with him can go. You'll have the house to yourself!
I've had enough long talk with my kids as to why i'm arguing with daddy about something, and I made them see my point of view..might not have been the right point of view, but they seen what I meant anyway. I've taught my children, that if you believe in something, you stand up and fight for it, and me standing up to daddy is just reinforcing what i've taught them. I don't mean that I cuss daddy out or anything, I just state my opinion and stand behind it, and I don't budge no matter what names he calls me, or how much he tries to make me out to be the bad guy with the kids. Or whatever tatic he tries, I refuse to budge. If we can't compromise, then I don't go. Sounds childish sometimes, but, if whatever he wants to do isn't realistic then forget it.
I hope you figure out how to fix this...because there's no way i'd live with that, marriage is supposed to be 50-50..not 90-10.
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Unread 07-25-2005, 06:29 AM
Teenage daughters power struggles or PMS induced or both?

Thanks Cespos, Luckily there hasn't been a boy or man in my daughters life. She is VERY discriminating. She would like a man or a companion but can't find anyone "interested" or "interesting" enough to date. I think all the bad relationship in her family of origin (her dad and I are the ONLY ones still together among most if not all the relatives nearby). Even her dad was married once before, and her grandparents aren't together, now is my brother with his second wife or my sister with her second husband. It is really very sad, and of course she see's her father and I battle constantly and has for some time now. (not proud of this, just stating what is)

I know these things take time to come around and since due to my husband's stuff they are all getting a "late start" on the independance thing it it is way overdue.

Thanks for the reminder that someday this will be a "bad trip" rather than the family shaking heart breaking deal it is now.
Unread 08-31-2005, 05:21 AM
update and thanks

Well, dd pulled another stunt cause I wouldn't go over to her house for something. (youngest in school and told dd these first two weeks would be heck, and the homework, unbelievable) She asked for something and I had already told her no way, sorry, too busy with first week of school for the youngest.

She couldn't reach me for four days, (avoided some of the calls, very busy and also just wasn't in the mood) and was on the go and to the dr. and such.

She then she called with a vengence, I knew as soon as she called she would have a request or would dig at it till she got an argument of some kind going, I was laying in bed resting after an upper gi test, and listened patiently to her go on and on about her boss at work, then relayed about my test, and the youngest homework, keeping it up beat.

She then said to me, "I didn't call to hear about your latest illness or my lucky sister not having to ride the bus" I was floored at her rudeness, and so I believe I said, "well I didn't REALLY want to talk about your boss", and hung up.. I felt so ashamed that I had "risen to he occassion" and from that point on told my self to NOT answer the phone when she calls.

I knew she wouldn't rest till there was trouble in MY home, as payback.

Yep, she encouraged our next to youngest to drive over to her house, after I, my husband, and my newly driving daughter had told her this was not allowed yet. I resulted in a big family fight. Me with both daughters AND the husband. He and I talked and he was going to reenforce the rules to both.

What he actually did was totally crater and make plans to take other daughter to trouble daughters house the very next day!!!!!!!!!! I had apprised him of the trouble I KNEW the troublesome daughter was going to start the minute I told her NO. and then played right into her hands.

Husband also refused to do ONE thing until I insisted that he correct the language and attitudes of BOTH daughters as the troublesome one was cursing me over the phone, (this was hubby's rule to begin with on the driving thing, I was backing HIM up) and yelling so loud through the phone to the other daughter, cursing me and ranting and disturbing my home, I was furious. He claimed to "not hear it". I am sure the neighbors heard it, claiming to not hear is his favorite way of avoiding any meaningful resolution of any "kid" trouble in our house.

Well, he is no longer in the house, and I pray he won't be back. I told him to leave, as he did NOT stick to the guns, but allowed her to yank his chain. Not only that he did nothing (until I insisted he MOVE his bottom) to get up and put an end the the name calling, and yelling going on over the phone about me where I could hear and DIRECTLY TO ME.

I had picked up the phone and told trouble daughter that she was was doing her sister no favors to encourage her to "break the rules" by driving to trouble daughters house (it is so far and she is now only allowed to drive to school and back).

I have had it with my hubby playing both ends against the middle, and then cratering or disappearing when needed. He will do the total opposite of whatever is needed, and look at me and expect me to congratulate him for doing the totally WRONG thing at the time

He is the biggested problem in this house, and for now anyway he isn't in the house. Unfortunately I still have the mess he created to contend with.

How in the world will this mess ever be normal again?
Unread 08-31-2005, 11:02 PM
IS this a midlife crisis for hubby?

Just in case anyone is still following this sorry saga, where I am trying to "sit the glass back up", do you think it is possible that this could be a crisis on the part of my husband? If so it has been going on at least eight years!!!!!!!!! I have heard they really get "weird".

Could my hyster 2 years ago upset his own pity party?
Unread 09-01-2005, 06:39 AM
Teenage daughters power struggles or PMS induced or both?

K..imma be blunt. You need to worry about you and your daughters that are living with you. Leave the drama with the "bad" daughter and husband at the door and do life for you and your other daughters. The one's that aren't living in the house (daughter and hubby) are old enough to take care of themselves, leave them be for the moment. And I know people are going to say "easier said than done". No it's not. YOU have to make the decision whether YOU want the drama in your life or not. If not, then the next time the DD comes around, you lay down the rules, and what you expect from her, and if she can't meet those expectations, then you don't want to deal with her drama or self-pity parties. Same holds true for DH, he needs to find out what he wants out of life, and get his "stuff" together.
It's time in your life to stop being the doormat for everyone else and live for YOUR happiness.
It's your decision.
Unread 09-16-2005, 01:25 AM
Teenage daughters power struggles or PMS induced or both?

Hey there
Things going along somewhat better as I have removed myself as the "middle woman". In short I have let go, and detached from feeling responsible for everyone and every thing. Trouble is I am still having lots of trouble finding time for ME. If I do I get sooooooooo behind on my housework (in my small overcrowded house that is very easy to do, and everyone else is so busy being THEM that no much cleaning goes on around here).

Truth in fact me is lost in the mess somewhere.
Thanks for being there
Unread 09-16-2005, 02:21 AM
Teenage daughters power struggles or PMS induced or both?

Rest assurred you are not the only one being blunt. It is really a no brainer and I would give the same advice to anyone else in my shoes. Trouble is I can't seem to make it stick. I ALWAYS get roped in or walk into it "blind" and only later realize what is happening or that the "change" in them was only temporiary and "here we go again". I am embarresses to be such a slow learner, or constantly so duped.

My question to you or anyone out there is this, (something I have struggled with greatly). Why is it that EVERY counselor I have gone to "misses it". None seem to get the REASONS or to the real issues I think my HUSBAND/daughter has or have caused to exist.

Even when he is there in counseling evidencing/admitting the stupidity, or manifesting his oppositional defiant, or total opposite non confrontational stuff as a defense, they miss it and ALWAYS focus on MY shortcomings. Like I have ALL the responsibility for the outcome of things.

To me it is OBVIOUS as the nose on anyone's face. His "lone wolf" quiet man act gets him the sympathy EVERY time. It is really neither here nor there but it would be nice to have someone else see it.

Meaning they don't see the "control/scapegoat mom issues" in others but always focus on MY self esteem as if THAT were the cause of all things. I have a very healthy self esteem as to my worth, but getting it to WORK for me in this enviorment is the problem.

I will not lie that my self esteem is at an all time low, as a RESULT of the treatment I keep getting from others,including this "misplaced" counseling ineptitude, yet no matter what I do, short of walking away from all responsibility in the matter and home entirely, I can't seem to "fix, end, or deal with it".

I am now a very adamant woman, and frankly have the reputation around here as being "the problem". It doesn't help when the counseling seem to point fingers at me either, as I just don't see I am the MAIN problem here but rather the reactor.

It seems I have gone "overboard" with the zero tolerance and lately don't get along with anyone, and frankly get no respect anywhere, including outside of the family. I often wonder is that REAL or just a faulty perception on my part. I will add I am a stay at home, with little time for a life "outside" even if I wanted one, the trade off is tremendous, and I do have RESPONSIBILITIES that SHOULD come before my own "party time" . I have no need to work for money, and frankly would rather NOT, since I don't have to.

I don't believe anyone should consider a 17 yr old and a nine year old qualifying me for "empty nest" as one MALE counselor did. How did he figure that one?

Is there no "middle ground" from doormat to selfish b word?

I mean one counselor described my husbands behavior as "harmeless" acting out. The others focused only on what I was doing in reaction to the STUFF, and made VERY light of others behavior that I was REACTING to, or worse like I somehow ASKED for it.
I don't like the word VICTIM, but it sure smacked of blame the victim, not the perpetrators. I'll admit when I think about it, and what the counselors have "stupidly said" in my opinion, I get VERY confused. Looking for outside support confuses me MORE, when I go to so called "professionals". I then think, "could it be me, or something I am doing to ASK for this?".

D if you do and D if you don't. Is it just the thing to blame the wife, mom? It is VERY hard for me to see how I am the PROBLEM, as I think I am thinking maturely and clearly here.

A wife and mother should be respected. A husband shouldn't drink (at least that was somewhat temporiary), or pretend he doesn't see his children acting up, or showing disrespect to their mom. He should find a way to UNITE when there are dicipline problems or threats to the sanity or peace of the home.

A woman should be the "queen" of her castle, and her (and hubby's )rules should be the ones followed. I have no obligations to run or cater to my grown daughter or to my husband who doesn't unite in a united front against the children controlling US. Parenting isn't a popularity contest, and there is no room for the three monkey act. See no evil, do nothing but evil, and certainly HEAR no evil, cause then you have to DO something.

I ask cause if it is me, we are all in trouble because I NEVER wanted, asked, or feel like the MAIN cause of any of this. I just don't get it I guess.

I guess when you chose to set boundries you come off as a "controller". I seem to be the only one forced to wear the "labels" from my family, friends and the counselors.

Either I am a doormat enabler, or suffering from low self esteem, or a controlling B if I do set boundries or not take the bull or have "higher expectations" from hubby and daughter.

Every counselor seems to "get it" until hubby is present then they do a total turn on me thing and I leave VERY confused. So much so I refuse to go to anymore counselors. I don't LIKE being a hard nose, or a whinner or so inept in getting lasting respect and fair treatment or even realistic understanding for a very REAL problem.

Since you are so blunt, I would really like your two cents worth, so I can understand What the heck is the problem in me that I can fix. I personally think only TIME will cure the problem, as I cannot relocate everyone (youngest children) or seem to get any real satisfactory resolution. Maybe just too many ages, and people with life phases trying to live under one roof?

I think for now totally detaching seems to work, but that leaves me feeling very alone and alienated from people I care for, and frankly dead to those that care for me, that are NOT the problem. I will admit I feel very stuck and really don't know WHAT I want. I have a young child still and it isn't practical to "just think of me", or act like my "nest is empty".

Even Dr. Phil is confusing on this. One day he says you teach people how to treat you. The next he says, "True love is accepting people for how they are". What if how they are is to treat you with disrespect?

How can you teach someone to treat you the way you want to be treated, AND accept them the way they are, if the way they are is treating you badly?

Just curious
Unread 10-16-2010, 06:36 PM
Re: Teenage daughters power struggles or PMS induced or both?

I can't believe you are talking about the problems you are having- in many ways they are identical to my story. After recovering from Ovarian Cancer that almost killed me, my husband took care of everything with the help of his parents and my friends. Once I was able to drive and go places, my husband and teens (male 17 and female 14) stopped supporting me and expected me to be the Super Mom I used to be inside and outside the house. A part-time job where I work out of the house landed on my lap and I took it although it doesn't pay much. When I was feeling stronger, I told my husband that he needed time for himself for a change and that he should go out and do his sports again and have fun. A year later, he is still doing that. He doesn't do anything around the house to fix things, he has turned both my teens against me- I swear my sweet 14 year old turned on me in one week and it's been like this for months. My children now scream at me and treat me nasty while he just sits there. I tell him that if we are going to discipline them properly than we have to be in this together. His remark" I only stand up for you if I don't agree with the kids". That's when I knew we needed therapy. I swear we had a great family that ran well and my husband worked with me concerning the kids. He is playing the old best friend game with my kids and all three have alienated me and then blame me for "having an attitude". If I have three people yelling at me like a "Roast" then of course I am going to defend myself. When I asked my daughter to finish her chores, she just laughed at me and went in her room. She refuses to talk to me about her feelings, even early on. I am positive that I did not go over board with the parenting thing before. It's a nightmare now- my world is upside down and I know it is my husband acting out (or a break down) finally after my cancer. My husband comes up with inane reasons to pick on me and the kids pick up on that and disrespect me. I've gone to a Family Therapist twice so far and next week my husband is going (he thinks he is going because only I have a problem). The kids are running the house now and doing what ever they feel like and nobody does a thing in the house of course. I finally realized that we were getting no where in our marriage and it was affecting my mental health. I told him that since he and the kids didn't need me around since I could do nothing right, I was leaving and staying with my sister until he got his act together and then if he could, then we could straighten out the kids attitude. I pray that they will wake up once I am gone for a while (I have decided I am not going back until both my husband and daughter have met with the Therapist- about a week.) The kids attitude is a mix of hormones and post-Cancer syndrom. My husbands problem is no doubt post-Cancer syndrom behaviour, too. That doesn't mean I have to put up with verbal abuse. Sometimes I feel so much hatred from my daughter and my husband toward me. Isn't it sad that we have had perfectly great families that turn against us after Cancer for no reason of our own (believe me) and read about the majority of the families that are just happy that their mother/wife survived Cancer. I am typing this at my sisters house and I feel miserable. Right now the only thing I miss from home are my cats and dog- what a pitiful situation! Your husband is as much a jerk as mine. You have not done anything wrong!!!! They have turned from nice guys into creeps for some reason. The world has turned upside down and my life is shattered- and I didn't do anything wrong. So stop blaming yourself!!!! Do what I am doing- get therapy for everyone and pray to God that they come around. I feel so lonely and lost.

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