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I'm having a lot of emotions about this I'm having a lot of emotions about this

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Unread 08-02-2005, 11:48 AM
I'm having a lot of emotions about this

Hello everyone.

Thank you so much for your continued prayers. I feel as if I really need some right now. I know my surgery was more or less successful and that I should be happy, but I'm not.

I'm kind of at a stage where I don't feel much of anything and all I can think of is "what if". What if this is not over.....what if it comes back again somewhere down the road.....what if it's something new this time around.

I'm getting my daughter ready for preschool and I'm not even feeling any joy or happiness like I should. I feel like crying all the time. All I can think of is what if something happens to me and I'm not here to see her grown up? That's all I think of. I don't get much enjoyment in any of things that I liked to do at one time. I always think about me dying before my mother does...or my grandmother, and she's almost 90.

I have a lot of emotions going on inside me right now and I don't know how to deal with them. I'm 41 years old and I never thought in a million years that I would be going through something like this.

Everything was going good until I turned 40, and then it seems like both my life and my health just went to crap. I just wish I knew that everything was going to turn out all right and that I would live a long life and be around for my kids and their kids. But I don't know much of anything anymore. I feel as if I've lost control of my life and there's nothing I can do about it and I'm spinning out of control. I feel as if my life is half over.....or almost over.

Sorry, l didn't mean to ramble on. Everyone please take care and God bless.

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Unread 08-02-2005, 04:34 PM
I'm having a lot of emotions about this


I'm so sorry this has not been a good day for you. I haven't been through anything like what you went through but I do know about those 'down' days. I pray things will get better for you with each passing day but if they don't, please don't hesitate to get counseling or talk with your dr. about your feelings. You are going through a very traumatic experience.

Stay strong and many 's coming your way.
Unread 08-03-2005, 08:59 AM
I'm having a lot of emotions about this

Thanks Cricket.

You are right. I am pretty sure that I need to talk to a couselor or somebody about my feelings and I'm pretty sure that I need to be on some sort of anti-depressent just so I can cope with day to day living.

But when I'm stuck at home all day everyday and I can't go anywhere or do anything, I have all day to think about all these things that are going on in my head.

I'm afraid to make any kind of plans for the future because I'm afraid that I won't be around for it. I know that I should be positive and not think about those things, but I can't help it. I feel like all I'm doing is living day by day and just waiting around to die.

I wish that I could have more positive thoughts, but I don't. I just hope that as time goes by and I have more and more good test results that things will get better. But for now, I have a lot of thoughts and emotions going on inside me that I can't deal with. I've tried to talk to my husband about my feelings, but he doesn't understand and I know that he gets aggravated with me because I cry so much.

Anyways, how are you coming along since your treatments? I hope that everything is going well for you. Take care and God bless.

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Unread 08-03-2005, 11:12 AM
I'm having a lot of emotions about this

I agree with Cricket...I think that you should look into seeing a counselor/psychiatrist or other doctor that you can just sit and vent to (or if anti-depressents are needed, one that can prescribe those too). You have so much on your plate right now, it is just too much to process and you just need to be able to talk with someone in person about what you are feeling. You are not a weak person if you seek help- You are being strong because you realize that you don't like how you feel and are seeking to make it better for yourself. Please go and talk with someone about how you are feeling...Hang in there, Im sending good thoughts your way.
Unread 08-03-2005, 02:47 PM
I'm having a lot of emotions about this

Dear ((Monica))
My heart goes out to you as you have been through so much in a short period of time - the first surgery, follow-up treatments, and then the need for a second major surgery ,etc. I believe you've already gotten some good advice to talk with your doctor(s) and perhaps seek counseling too. You may also want to look for a support group. Also, if you belong to a church sometimes the pastors/ministers can be very helpful to talk with in times of emotional and/or physical difficulties.
Please come back here even if you only may want to vent, etc. You have "sisters" here who love you and many have, at least, a little understanding of what you may be feeling. I will keep you in thought and pray that your healing - physical and emotional -will continue.
s and blessings, peggiesue
Unread 08-03-2005, 03:06 PM
I'm having a lot of emotions about this

Hi Monica,

Well I have been in your shoes and we probably will always have these feelings. However, the best advice that I can give you is to get out of the house, go shopping, go to lunch, or go to work. When we have too much time on our hands our minds tend to wander and in our case it is always towards the negative.
I am an early childhood teacher and preparing your daughter for preschool should be an exciting time for both of you.
Please do not dwell on the negative. Think positive and about all the wonderful years you will have together.
Be well.
Unread 08-03-2005, 03:42 PM
I'm having a lot of emotions about this

Oh Monica
I'm so sorry to read about the problems with your feelings and believe me I understand where you are coming from. However I feel that your feelings are too complex to deal with by yourself and counselling is a must. Please give it a go, your daughter and family need you.
You know we are all here for you
Hugs as always - Glenys
Unread 08-03-2005, 08:38 PM
I'm having a lot of emotions about this

I wish I could run to where you are and give you a big hug. Your feelings are so normal, and so hard to get through. My first suggestion is to call the hospital where you had treatment and ask for an appointment with their social worker. The oncology wing of the hospital will have a social worker they work with. And your insurance should cover it as part of your follow up care. Start with her, she'll understand your feelings and know who to refer you to for more help, if you need it.

Your feelings are normal, and valid. This disease is so dang frightening. I was much more scared after treatment than during treatment. I'm not sure why. When I was in treatment I was just trying to get through each day. I was doing all I could do to beat the disease. After treatment? Then what? I didn't know where to go or what to do with my feelings? It felt like I was doing nothing and the disease could come back, or, worse, still be there. Those first few months, after treatment, were the worse time in the whole process. I joined a cancer support group and saw a therapist and both helped. But time was the biggest healer, and no one can give you that. I can tell you that you will feel better, but it does take time. It takes time to learn that you can live with what life has dealt you and be happy. This is a HUGE adjustment, you can't resolve it all mentally, overnight. Your whole life has changed, everything is different. You have to mourn what you have lost, and come out the other side. It's not an easy process. Grief never is. Make no mistake, you are grieving. And you have ever right, and every reason, to feel as you do. Don't expect to feel joyful right now. That's not where you are in the process. Having your whole life turned upside down is not a peaceful, joyous, thing. It's just the opposite. But you will get back to that peaceful, joyous, place.

Your husband probably can't help because he's scared too and doesn't want to look at those feelings. Men cope in very different ways than we do. Our way often upsets them because they can't change it. Men want to fix things, including our sad feelings. They can't fix it, and that just makes them feel worse so they would rather just ignore the whole thing.

My advice is to hang on, and know you won't always feel the way you feel now. Try to live in the moment, as often as you can. Children are great for that, they are always in the moment. They aren't looking at next week or tomorrow, but just enjoying what is happening right this minute. Learn from them, follow their lead, imitate them. Try to enjoy the moment, whenever you can. Plan nice things for yourself, small things, like a relaxing bath, or a few minutes to read a junky magazine, and plan big things for when you can get out, like a nice dinner out with friends, or with just your husband and a vacation or a weekend with your husband or friends. Do something to pamper yourself, like a pedicure or a massage. Let your friends help. If someone volunteers to watch the kids for an hour, let them. People really do want to help, they just don't know how. If you tell them how, tell them what you need, they'll appreciate it. It will make them feel better if they can bring dinner, vacuum your house, clean up the kitchen, or take the kids to the park, run errands for you, pick up a book or DVD or magazine for you. Let them take care of you, they really want to!

And much comfort,
Unread 08-04-2005, 09:04 AM
I'm having a lot of emotions about this

Oh Monica,
Let me add my s to the ones you've already recieved.
I'm so sorry you are going through this but you know, once we get a diagnosis like we do, I have a feeling we all have days like that. We are faced with our own mortality and there are just so many unknowns. My advice to you would be much of the same as you have already gotten: get out there and live your life. Enjoy the here and now and don't worry about tomarrow. I've gotten real good at that! (much to my mom's chagrin when she wants to make plans with me and I say, "I can't think that far in advance, Mom!)
Enjoy your daughter, and do what you love. Get out of the house. Go for a walk. Go to the library or a movie. Above all, BE GOOD TO YOURSELF.
Unread 08-04-2005, 09:09 AM
I'm having a lot of emotions about this

Hello everyone.

Thank you all for our concern and caring words. And I also want to thank the anonymous gift giver of the Crown Jewel membership. Thanks so much whoever you are! I really wasn't expecting that! Thanks so much for your generosity!

I'm so glad that I have this website and all you wonderful people that I consider my good friends. I live in a rural area, so I don't have many friends. I really only have one good friend that lives close by, but she works all the time and we don't spend much time together anymore.

So it is very important to me that I have so many caring friends here that I can talk to and that understands what I am going through. My mom and 19 yr. old daughter live out of town, so I don't get to see them very often.

My husband works all the time, not to mention overtime.....so he's not here much. Thanks ladies for all the good advice. I know deep down inside that I need some kind of help. I have to go back to the doctor next Thursday for another checkup. And I am also waiting for the test results from my IVP x-ray.

I am so sick and tired of all the doctor visits and test. I just want to be left alone so I can go back to the way things were. Everyone take care and God bless.


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