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Had enough of this chemo.... Had enough of this chemo....

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Unread 10-30-2005, 06:23 PM
Had enough of this chemo....

I feel like #9 - ready to leave home (and town!!!) This has been the worst treatment ever and to think I have to have who knows how many more of this caelyx!!!!

My feet are purple, itchy and painful -my hands are blistered and bleeding. My mouth/throat sores are so painful I can't swallow, eat or talk. I was crying bacuse of the pain -I actually wanted to go back to taxol/carboplatin if it would work on me!!! I'd rather lose my hair at this point!!! I'm fed up - I told my husband I don't want to do any more of this -of course he sympathizes with me and encouraged me to continue but what if this gets worse every treatment? The next one is on Nov 8th (chemo #5) and the doctor said I'll need more than 6.

My throat closes up on me and at night I can't sleep even with sleeping pills. I practically drank the whole 'Magic Mouthwash' bottle! The chemo nurse called me to see how I'm doing since she knew I was having bad reactions -she gave me the same pointers I've already been doing. Staying away from hot stuff, slathering lotion, calamine lotion for the itchiness. Frozen yogurt, Ensure, mushy food. Stool softeners and Senecot for the constipation - antidepressants for my depression - I'm itchy in places I never knew existed!

I'm fed up of it all - I know the alternative isn't better but how can I keep on coping? What else do I need to do? Why can't it all just stop for a bit? Just to give me a break? Sorry for all this venting -I know this is the only place I can do it and I know there are lots of sisters in worst places than I am.

I just want this to end.
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Unread 10-30-2005, 07:00 PM
Had enough of this chemo....

Dear Maxime,
I'm so sorry for everything you're going through & I just wanted to send a "hug" & offer some support I"m saying a little prayer for you & hoping "God" gives you the strenght & courage to get through this.
Unread 10-30-2005, 07:53 PM
Had enough of this chemo....

i'm sorry everything is so terrible right now...
i have been writing alot of poetry and it makes me feel better to write things down...especially when i can write something for someone else...i don't know, it's kinda psycho but whatever gets you through...here is one for you...

never give up
whatever may be
tomorrow will be better
just wait and see

i know things right now
are too much to bear
but i want you to know
that there are so many who care

sometimes we can't see
for the clouds in our way
but before you know it
you will see another sunny day

tammy dearing

take care and i hope you feel better soon
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Unread 10-30-2005, 08:07 PM
Had enough of this chemo....

Tammy Dearing. What a perfect name for you. You are dear.

Maxi, I know you feel worse than the words look like on the page, cause I saw my mom go through that, and the mouth sores alone were enough to make her want to quit. She used Magic Mouthwash too, but she didn't like it. She didn't care if she lived or died at the time, it was so awful. But it's been TEN years and she's 76 now. She had a different cancer. She got to looking awful, but now she looks great.

ANd Barnsweetie (Tammie Dearing) has really been through the cancer trek, as well as her husband. I remember her saying her husband pretty much wanted to toss in the towel, I think..but now he's out running around their ranch, and they are living the life together.

All I can say is...I don't know. If it were me, I'd beg them to put me in some kind of coma til it was finished.
Unread 10-30-2005, 08:32 PM
Had enough of this chemo....

Can they lower the dosage? I wonder if you're at a high dose and lowering it would cause fewer side effects without compromising the care. I know this stinks--all treatment does--just try the next one, just that one. Then the next--one at a time and keep asking for help on those side effects.
Unread 10-30-2005, 09:23 PM
Had enough of this chemo....

Maxime, I went through similar as caregiver with my brother. Two words: more meds!! Do you have someone there with you? It so helps if you can. And whine and fuss and advocate to get drugs that alleviate all possible side effects. My brother took a lot of ativan. He would complain that it put him out. Complain! Ha! Praises be. And that was for the lesser pains. Mouth sores are the worst. They call them "mouth sores" when it's more like having gasoline poured down your gullet and then a match lit.

It does get better, but you need serious opiates to stop the pain now. Don't let them let you suffer.

We also had read-aloud time every day. It was only about an hour, but it was one good thing, and it was something to look forward to and to anchor and balance the day.

Take them one at a time.
Unread 10-30-2005, 09:36 PM
Had enough of this chemo....

Please sweetheart, try to look no further down the road than one day at a time. No good will come of thinking about treatment number 5 or 6.

I agree with the other sister; ask for and take whatever medications are available. What is the point to being "plugged into " the pain? Make certain your healthcare providers understand how miserable you are and that you want some type of pain meds that puts you out of it. A pain cycle is stressful and makes it difficult to heal.

Sending comforting thouhgts your way,
Unread 10-30-2005, 11:29 PM
Had enough of this chemo....

Make sure your doctors know about everything and ask for more or different things to help. I can feel your misery in this post. Maybe the chemo dose can be reduced? Remember that this is working to evict those cancer cells from your body. When this is over, you will feel better.

Now, if you do decide you want no more of this chemo, we will support you. Maybe there is something else out there for you instead of this one. Maybe you just need a break for a couple of months and then back on it. Do what you feel is right for you.

Whatever you do, we are here 24/7 to help you. To support you, to cry with you.

s, s, s
Unread 10-31-2005, 05:10 AM
Had enough of this chemo....

Hi Maxime

I was just wondering - is the caelyx working? If it is I would say hang on in there. Do as the other sisters say and just concentrate on one treatment at a time. I hope it will be worth it for you in the end.

Saying that though I know what you mean. My OC has returned and I am about to start more treatment soon and I don't know that I want to go through what you are going through. I don't want to give up just yet but you can only take so much. For me if they could be sure of controlling my cancer for quite a while I would go along with whatever treatment was available.

I would ask the doctors about the side effects. I have found that unless you tell them how you feel they cannot help you and if you do tell them they can give you lots of different things for sickness and constipation.

Can you do something to take your mind off feeling ill? If you can keep yourself busy the time goes faster. Do you do any kind of crafting? Or just go internet shopping (that is what I do). You could plan a holiday on the internet, surf round all the tourist sites and plan a fantasy holiday - or maybe a real one.

The most important thing is to stick with this site and all your sisters who care for you whatever you decide to do. I get so much help from this board just reading the messages and I am now hoping to help others when I can.

If you decide to run away I might come with you.
Unread 10-31-2005, 05:32 AM
Had enough of this chemo....

Dear Maxime,

I didn't have the same chemo as you but sure did suffer with it. I had such awful abdominal pain (from the radiation I was having at the same time)my doctors gave me morphine (orally) It really helped with the pain and made me a bit drousy too. Towards the end of treatment things got pretty rough, instead of getting my last two chemos I got 3 units of blood instead. I totally understand how you are feeling, I was glad when I skipped the last two even though it would have been better to have them. Sometimes it all gets too much and you don't necessary care what's best for you, but those feelings pass I promise............................
as the other sisters have said try and "do" one chemo at a time and not think about behond that.

I do hope you can get some pain relief soon, 's.

We are here for you.


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