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Very Disappointed in People! Very Disappointed in People!

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Unread 11-15-2005, 02:05 PM
Very Disappointed in People!

Hi Everyone,
I have something that's been bothering me & I have to get it off my chest. Since my family has found out I'm having a hysterectomy, they're acting like it's no big deal & like they were never expecting me to have children anyways. :cry: I feel they're thinking my organs are useless anyways... so no big loss! I'm very disappointed in all of them & haven't regretted not telling them that I really have endometrial cancer. As a matter of fact I even regret telling them I'm having a "hysterectomy" & should have said I'm having a cyst or fibroid removed ! I asked my mother what she thought about my idea & she agreed, if it made me feel more comfortable! What a stupid response instead of helping me open up. Sometimes people should say nothing at all instead of saying something "stupid" really gets to me! My "Sister in law",whom I always thought of as a sister has me dissappointed the most! She "giggles" when talking or asking about my condition & surgery! It's like she's "happy or excited" over she normal? She never calls to ask how I'm doing & I never expected such ignorance from her! Amazing how you see peoples true colors in times of crisis. I have a "friend" who is more supportive than all my family combined! As for my dear "Sister-in law"... I now see her as a cold & selfish, heartless person who's really a "big phony"! This is something I will never forgive or forget & If she doesn't stop the "dumb" attitude... I'm going to confront her & she's going to hear a piece of my mind real soon! *punch* She's my brothers wife & mother of my dear niece & nephew...but enough is enough! I remember "crying" over the fact that she & my brother were going to end their marriage at one point when they were having problems. I called her every day & went through a lot of mental anguish myself while trying to help her. I feel like I was really "there" for her as much as I could be. I spent so much time trying to help them reconcile & I'd like to believe I played a part in making it happen...for my niece & nephews sake. And this is her way of thanking me? I imagine her coming to see me at the hospital with that "dumb" giggle & think I may totally lose it! I am really sick of peoples insensitivity & I feel very uncomfortable around all my family members right now because I feel like a "freak" & "failure" & I can tell they also feel uncomfortable around me. It's like they're thinking..why did she have to tell us? Imagine I had told them about the cancer? They would have written me off as "dead" allready!
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Unread 11-15-2005, 08:56 PM
Very Disappointed in People!

I know exactly how you feel when I was having my surgery my husband called to tell his parents and it was like an AFTER THOUGHT. They talked about it for about 30 seconds and then went on to talk about what a shame it was that his brother still hadn't bought his Christmas tree. AHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! I always feel like people are minimizing my pain
Unread 11-15-2005, 09:16 PM
Very Disappointed in People!

My "Sister in law",whom I always thought of as a sister has me dissappointed the most! She "giggles" when talking or asking about my condition & surgery!
I know people who "giggle" when they should be serious. It's done out of nervousness. I knew someone who actually started laughing during the eulogy being given during the funeral of a family member. She wasn't being rude, but that was her way of dealing with it.

Perhaps your family doesn't want to upset you. Instead of getting all upset about it they are playing it down; not because they aren't worried but because they don't want you to worry any more than you are already worrying.
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Unread 11-15-2005, 09:53 PM
Very Disappointed in People!

I can relate to how others can't relate! Until someone has been really touched by this type of loss and by the challenge of cancer they are on the outside looking in. Going through cancer and then this folks said and did some terribly thoughtless things. Comments in jest about how I could get a "free boob job", or well meaning "advice" that I "can always adopt" drove me up a wall. I would encourage you to tell the people you need the whole truth and how you are feeling. Even if it is in a note or e-mail. You are going to have a tough time ahead healing and fighting your cancer. You need your family in your camp. It's hard and frustrating, I know. I love my family and friends dearly still, despite their lack of understanding and support. I had to get brutally honest with them about how I was feeling and give them fairly explicit instructions some days what they could or should do. In the end, they all rallied 'round to the best of their ability and helped me through. But it is obvious to me now that they simply did not and could not understand what it means to lose big chunks of your body, your fertility, your concept of womanhood and to endure the physical trauma, sickness and pain. Only you totally understand that. I hope they come around. If you tell them what's up, that might give them a darn good reason too. In the meantime, we got each other and a bunch of other "sisters" out there too. Hope you feel better soon.
Unread 11-15-2005, 10:21 PM
Very Disappointed in People!

Thanks for all your replies ladies.
I feel better after letting it all out. Catherine you may be right about my family "downplaying" the situation & the "giggling" as well. Maybe I did judge them too harshly.
Unread 11-15-2005, 10:38 PM
Very Disappointed in People!

Dear Mori,
I agree with the feelings of those who have written above. Giggling can be a response to fear or overwhelming feelings. My own mother was not able to handle my loss of ability to have children. When I told her I was depressed because I did not have children, she replied "Well, you can't." Not what I needed to hear!! But she is my mother, and I believe she loves me unconditionally. She is not perfect and she cannot deal with the reality of her daughter not being able to have children. I am sure that your family members are trying hard to understand what you are going through. True, I get more support from my friends and from this site than I do from my family. I have accepted that. I know who I can turn to for times when I am really down. It unfortunately is not my family. I wish it was. But I think they love me too much and are not equipped to understand such pain as ours. Please know that you will be understood here. It is truly disappointing to not have those you love react as you would like them too. But sometimes they can't...that does not mean that they do not love you. Just love you in a not so perfect way. I hope you can find some peace. nancy
Unread 11-16-2005, 02:21 AM
Very Disappointed in People!

Hello Mori,

I'm sorry you are feeling so much pain and have so much to worry about. I agree with the other sisters that your SIL is giggling out of nervousness because she doesn't know how to approach the subject (that must be so irritating, though). What does your family think is the reason you are having a hysterectomy? Because of fibroids? Do they think that you are choosing it, ratther than doing it out of necessity? If so, that could explain why they're not being sympathetic - they are just supporting your choice by saying things like "if it makes you more comfortable".

I really think you need to tell your family about the cancer. For your sake and theirs. You shouldn't go through this alone and they wouldn't want you to, surely.If they knew the real reason you were having a hysterectomy, it could change everything.

I hope everything works out for you, mori, I get the impression from your posts that you have already been through so much,

Miz x
Unread 11-16-2005, 02:43 AM
Very Disappointed in People!

It seems for the majority of people when the hear the word hysterectomy, they push it out of their minds because it's considered a taboo subject. It's dealing with what many like to keep a "personal" or "private" subject. It truly isn't that they don't care. Besides, hysterectomies aren't looked upon as life threatening either. It really gets downplayed to people who have not experienced it or had a close loved one experience it.

Please don't be angry with me when I mention that your hormones, nerves, pain, etc. may be getting the best of you. I remember on two occassions actually expecting something, anything from my husband at the moment. I stepped back and realized it was my own deal and not his. He supported me wonderfully through the whole thing. I had to realize that it was me making something of it. I knew it was major surgery but I took the advice of some of the sisters here - have a positive attitude and your journey through surgery and recovery will be much better for you. And you are all that matters.

Hope you feel better soon. I wish for you the same elation I'm enjoying after being set free from many years of pain. Em
Unread 11-16-2005, 02:59 AM
Very Disappointed in People!

I wonder if your family senses your fear. This is another reason why people will downplay it. They go the opposite of what the person is showing.

Instead of looking at their response as insensitive, look at them as not knowing how to respond or that they sense were level of fear and are respoding to that by downplaying it, yes, even with giggles.

If you were to tell them now that the Dr. suspects cancer (we know it is) then they would understand the fear you are showing. Many families rally around the sick one when they know and understand the severity of the problem. Encouraging the member to fight it.

Just a couple of my thoughts here.
Unread 11-16-2005, 04:57 AM
Very Disappointed in People!

My Sister Was Very Matter Of Fact When I Told Her I Was Going To Have Hysterectomy Which Really Suprised Me Cos She'd Had 1 5yrs Ago, However When I Came Out Of The Hospital She Rang And Has Sent Me Faxes And Little Cards Every Week (im In Gb And Shes In Spain) She Said She Didnt Talk About It Cos She Didnt Want To Put Me Off Having It Done. I Must Admit The People I Thought Would Help After The Op Havnt And A Friend Who Wasnt So Close Has Taken My Kids To School Every Day And Has Done Loads Of Shopping For Me, Shes Been A God Send, I Bought Her Card, Flowers N Gift Vouchers To Say A Big Thankyou N Cos Wouldnt Take Petrol Money, Which She Loved But She Said Thats What Mates Are For, Shes Certainly Been A Good Mate.

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