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Delayed Radiation-long Delayed Radiation-long

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Unread 04-14-2001, 01:32 AM
Delayed Radiation-long


It's almost 4 am in the morning. Can't sleep and I'd thought I'd come here to get some things of my chest. I was suppose to start my radiation treatments this Monday. I have the five weeks of external and then 3 weeks of internal. I had my measuring and tattooing done, final cat scan..all ready. Prepared mentally. Except I've had this problem with very painful bowel movements and rectal bleeding. I had this problem before my hysterectomy but not this bad. So I'm scheduled for an colonoscopy this Wednesday. Okay so what is a couple weeks of delayed radiation? If you have read my past post you know that my husband and I are in the process of an adoption. We actually started the paperwork a year ago in May. We knew we were close to being matched with a baby and the travel time would be soon also. All this time...really since my early twenties I have dreamed of being a mother. Our adoption agency called this morning with a referral for a baby boy, with us traveling to Cambodia to pick him up in late June. I kept going over my calendar to figure out a way that I could be ready to go but with the delay of starting radiation there was just no way. We turned down the referral so this little one can join their new family without delay. I know that it means that I wait just a little longer.

But tonight I feel angry. I'm so tired of what ever shred of dignity you have being taken away from you. I'm tired of being just another body with cancer to be poked and probed. Like it wasn't enough that everyone had to have their fingers in my vagina now I must open my *** to them also. I'm sorry to be so crude but can I not keep some dignity? Has cancer taken that away from me? And now it feels as if "it" has taken this referral for this baby boy from me also. I don't even know what I want to hear. I guess I'll do what most people do...tomorrow I'll get up, put on my most optimistic face, talk about how God has a time for everything and it must not have been Ken and I's time to get our baby. The baby He intended for us is still waiting for us. I can hear all the good reasons why it will work out. I know that my body needs this time to heal. My mind knows it. But my heart just doesn't understand.

Nothing else to say.

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Unread 04-14-2001, 05:44 AM
Delayed Radiation-long

Hugs Zoe,

I am so sorry your treatments are being delayed, and you have to undergo yet more testing.

You said exactly what I would have said to you. That obviously this little baby was not the baby intended for you and that your little darlin will be waiting for you when you are all finished your radiation and well rested and on the mend.

As hard as it is someimes Zoe, I really do believe that everything happens for a reason, and what happens in our lives is all planned out.

Lets say that you would have finished your radiation a day or two before you were scheduled to leave for Cambodia. Zoe, my God, thats a long journey and if you got sick over there, who is to say you would get the care and treatment you require. I am sure you have thought of that.

I understand how very much you want this adoption and you have waited a long time for it to happen. But if you were to go when you were still newly recovering from your radiation, it may set you back big time in your healing and recovery.

No...I think Zoe that God does know that you need to be healed and as well as possible to take care of this new little child that will be coming into your life, and
in time I just know in the near future you will be posting here about your trip and your wonderful little
baby, that was meant just fo you!!!
Does the waiting suck??? Absolutely it does Zoe, but this is your health, and you gotta have your health Zoe. That way when you do get your chosen baby, you won't be running to the doctors for tests and treatments anymore.
Keeping you in my prayers hon!
M. xo
Unread 04-15-2001, 04:51 AM
Delayed Radiation-long

Hello Zoe, I am so sorry to hear the news, my heart goes out to you. I have an idea of how you feel about the radiation and all the dignity stuff. I am so sick to death of being prodded and poked . I often wonder if I am ever going to have privacy or quality of life again. I just keep telling myself that I have to get through all of this , but sometimes want to crawl into a corner and give in. But Zoe, you and I are both fighters, and we are going to beat this cancer. You will go on to adopt a gorgeous little baby and I will get to see my grandson grow in to a man. Hang in there Zoe we will get through this together with the help of all these wonderful sisters here. x x x x
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Unread 04-15-2001, 06:18 PM
Delayed Radiation-long


I'm so sorry that things are being delayed. I can't imagine the sadness you must have felt requesting that your referral be passed onto another family. It was a very brave and selfless thing that you did to be certain that that child could move into a family quickly.

Hang in there and get healthy! Once all this is behind you you can go on to lead a most wonderful life with your husband and (future) child by your side. In the meantime, I ask God to bless you abundantly. May you heal quickly and without difficulty!
Unread 04-16-2001, 05:52 AM
Delayed Radiation-long

I know that things just don't seem fair, but the Lord has a plan for each of us, even though we may not understand it. Yes, I do beleive that this baby boy was not meant for you and your dh, but I also do feel that there is another baby who is needing you and dh even more!!! Maybe there is another family that could have given this particular baby boy what he needed and they needed him more right now. We may never know for sure. This is definateley a time where your faith is being tested, and you must be strong. Don't think of these tests as an invasion on your body. Think of them as "what needs to be done so that you can be well again!" Try to take the testing lightly, not thinking too hard about your inner feelings...just go and get it done. Take one day at a time and know that you are not alone. We are all here for you and welcome your posts to let your emotions out and help you to handle the situation at hand. I will keep you in my prayers.
Unread 04-16-2001, 11:50 AM
Delayed Radiation-long

Zoe, I was so sorry to hear of you predicament. It doesn't seem fair. And yes, I remember feeling as if I could not take one more person with their hands inside of me. By the end I actually felt violated even though I knew I needed this to save my life. I have also adopted and I know that the wait is at least as bad a labor (I have done it both ways). And thinking that this just wasn't the right time right now is difficult to swallow. I was diagnosed with CA the day my first daughter was born and I was lucky enough to have had the opportunity to give birth 1 time. I had alot of depression at the time because my daughter was in a hospital 1 and 1/2 hours away because she was born early (not due to the CA) and I had to start treatment. I felt that I missed the first 4 months of my baby's life because when she did come home I wasn't up to caring for her. When I think back on those days they don't seem quite as bad as when I was living in those days. Try to focus on one step at a time and you can't take the steps out of order. I will be praying for you to have the strength to get through this difficult time in your life so that you can get on to the more joyful plans you have for the future. I am so sorry for you for the decision that you just made to decline on accepting the child. Hang in there and take care of yourself.

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