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hubby and I want to adopt hubby and I want to adopt

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  #1  
Unread 01-04-2006, 07:09 AM
hubby and I want to adopt

I am on cloud nine about this one. Until this morning when I asked my dd's if they wanted a little brother? They are both mad at me now. Telling me something about not wanting boys in the house and not wanting boy toys all over.
I love my girls and I know they know that. But they are only 6 and 4 years. I was hoping that we could start this process in the next 6 months or so. I know that it will take a while. I am also hoping that I can do it with the help of the state and become a foster parent first. I want to get a bigger house before we do anything.
I know that I have enough love to give a new one no matter how young or old. But it hurt when the girls reacted that way. My littlest one was actually crying!
I am so torn right now. I want this as bad as I wanted them. But not if this is going to continue. I don't want a third child brought into this mess. That hurts too.
I was going to get on the web and see what I could find out about adoption. I need a few questions answered in my heart. But I know that this is what I want.
I had a miscarriage in between my girls and have always felt that there was something missing. I look at this as a good thing for all of us. Because I get to give more love and the little one we adopt will get a loving home life and a good family.
Was I wrong to try to include the girls on my decision? Was it too early to tell them? I don't want to upset their home life this is THEIR home. I am now confusing myself even more.
DH and I were talking about this last night. I didn't know that he had been on the net about any of this til then. I was shocked. Up until last night I thought that I was the only one of us that wanted a third baby?
Thanks ladies for listening to me rant and rave. I have laundry to do. Will be back on later. Love Dawn
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  #2  
Unread 01-04-2006, 07:56 AM
hubby and I want to adopt

Hi Dawn

Did you ask your 6-yr-old for her consent before you got pregnant with your 4-yr-old? You can find lots of support at this website: www.fertilethoughts.com

Good luck to you
  #3  
Unread 01-04-2006, 08:27 AM
hubby and I want to adopt

no I guess I didn't but then she couldn't talk and have an opinion. This time it was so loud and clear. They do not want a little brother. My little one even asked me why I was doing this to her life! I feel like dirt. But I want this to happen and not just be a thought. I have been on the web all morning looking at sites. Plus I have dd's school teacher looking for stuff to get me started. Wish me luck and patience I know that I need all that I can get. Love and hugs to all.
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  #4  
Unread 01-04-2006, 12:11 PM
hubby and I want to adopt

Good luck hope all goes well, adoption is a wonderful thing. I checked with DSS in my state that's how I got the ball rolling.
  #5  
Unread 01-04-2006, 12:32 PM
hubby and I want to adopt

Dawn,

I am wishing you the best of luck!!! I am from Louisiana and although the laws are probably different, both my 21/2 and 41/2 year old are adopted. It was a long journey, but I would do it again in a heartbeat because I know without a doubt these were my kids from the moment they were created> I think adoption is an amazing thing . I was even considering becoming a foster parent in my state. Louisiana has a lot of displaced children from the storm!Sad!!! Anyway, maybe in the future. Things still arent quite back to normal yet here. I wouldnt worrry too much over 6 year olds reaction. I would start the process and maybe work on it near her so she can see if she wants and she can also ignore if she wants!!! I guarantee she will warm up to a brother in due time. Especially if you can have a little heart to heart with her about how many children need a loving home and not only a mommy and daddy but a wonderful sister such as herself! If she feels like she is important in the process, it may help. My dd was a lil over 2 when ds came. Believe me, she understood!!! She had the big sister shirt, picked out his first stuffed animal, and helped with his first bottle. Those were the days!!!!Best wishes. PM me anytime!!!!!!
  #6  
Unread 01-04-2006, 12:33 PM
hubby and I want to adopt

Hi, Dawn!

I'm with Twysmiling.

It's not up to them. All kids have strong reactions when another comes along. That's life! I would say that they are too young to be consulted with this decision.

I know that your older one has strong emotions and opinions about everything. Didn't she say recently something about not feeling like she's a part of the family? And, isn't she a bit of a drama queen?! My DD ( 6 years old) said to me the other day "You know, Dad seems like our real Dad, but Debbie (our neighbor) seems more like our real Mom than you do." Hmm...could that have to do with the fact that they receive all kinds of treats whenever they go to Debbie's? But, who does she want when she's upset, scared or not feeling well? Me, of course! And then yesterday she said "I want a *baby* brother. Ellison (her brother who is 18 mos younger) is too old." She adores Ellison! I told her that she'd miss El. And she said "No I wouldn't, because I never would have known him!" Kids aren't the most complex thinkers--even our gifted ones. They are too immature. Their opinions change from week to week.

Your girls are really too young to know what they would be in for. I'm sorry they've reacted so negatively, but try not to feel too bad. It's up to the parents whether to bring another child into the family--no matter how that child arrives. You can't let them being upset about having boys' toys around influence your decision. Kids are *never* going to want to share their parents. That's a natural reaction on their part. But, it happens all the time, and usually they adjust just fine. They are too young to understand the joys of having another sibling. And, they are also too young to have that kind of power in the family.

I know you were hoping for a different reaction. I do think that it may have been a little early to talk to them about it. Why not just drop the subject for awhile, but go on with your planning and research. Stay (secretly with your husband) on cloud nine. You deserve it!



Margot
  #7  
Unread 01-04-2006, 01:30 PM
hubby and I want to adopt

Thanks so much ladies I love the support that I get on here. Which might explain why on my days off the laundry doesn't always get done. I figure that it will be waiting for me when I am ready. Not like it is going to walk away? Maybe dh's jeans though. Those things can be nasty.
Seriously though, I am online right now looking for what to do next. Any ideas and suggestions are wanted. I know that I have to talk to dh about calling DHS. I know that they will want us to take classes. Does that cost us? I don't have lots of cash left after christmas? Not to sound like I can't afford a third child. But I am worried about certain things involving this. Love all Dawn
  #8  
Unread 01-04-2006, 02:30 PM
hubby and I want to adopt

I don't know anything about adoption but both of my DD's were 6 and 4 when my DS came along. The only thing my 4 yr. old had a problem with was she was use to being the baby. So it took her some time to adjust. My oldest one was in school so adjusting was a bit easier for her since she wasn't home all day. After about 2 weeks it was as if he had always been there and they forgot all about being worried about him being there. In fact at that point they started asking when he would play with them. They are all older now (12,10 & 6). There is the normal sibling rivalry but they are happy to have each other! And I agree with the other women the only person I discussed having another child was with my husband. My kids didn't even know another was coming until about 3 months before he was born! If you and your husband are ready for this I say GO FOR IT! They will adjust. Mine did! Take Care and I wish you all the luck with the adoption procedures!
  #9  
Unread 01-04-2006, 04:04 PM
hubby and I want to adopt

Hi Dawn:

You can find lots of people navigating the adoption process at www.fertilethoughts.com There's also good info if you type "adoption support" into Google.

Good luck to you
  #10  
Unread 01-05-2006, 01:54 AM
hubby and I want to adopt

It may be too early for them to understand the reality of having a sibling around. At their age, the idea of a future anything is pretty abstract -- and they are pretty reactionary at that age too !

As you get closer to actually being interviewed, etc. it will make a bit more sense to them and seem more "real." Kids think that your deepest ideas are no more than their moment-to-moment ones. They really can't differentiate them. They tend to live in the present!

You'll always have issues when you integrate a third child in, no matter how that child comes to your family. For kids, it's all about them anyway . But you might be surprised at what kind of "maternal" instincts kick in when you bring a cute baby or toddler home...



Audrey
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