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MY MOTHER wants to come to HELP!! Help me PLEASE MY MOTHER wants to come to HELP!! Help me PLEASE

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Unread 01-12-2006, 02:53 PM
MY MOTHER wants to come to HELP!! Help me PLEASE

Hello everyone...
I need some advice from all of you.
My mother wants to come and help out after my surgery.
Normal families i am sure this would be great..Mine however is far from mother suffers mental illness which she refuses to admit and is way way more work than help. I have a huge support system here at home and do not require her kind of help. I love my mother dont get me wrong..I just think that she should take my advice and come a couple weeks post op when i have my bearings and realize what i am dealing with emotionaly with hrt's etc. She really can drive a person LOONY BINS. She wants to come the day i come home from the castle. She cant go up and downstairs and we live in a townhouse/condo with 3 small children who require care. She just makes more work for everyone here and will expect me to entertain her. I am speaking from experience with this as I was once put on bed rest at her house so i was close to a hospital (i live 2 hours away from the nearest hospital) and i ended up having to cook and clean and take care of her dinner if i wanted to eat so i went back into the hospital for 6 weeks instead of staying at her house. My DH cannot stand her for long periods of time either. I just need some sort of advice on how to handle her. I mentioned that i would like it if she were to come a few weeks post op and she said she is going to come anyway. The stress she puts on my life ...well I just dont think i can handle her disfuctional life right now!!! I need to take care of me and my needs and i cant seem to get it accross to her that she really isnt welcome right after surgey... I even said maybe if she came a couple weeks later i could spend some quality time with her instead of being doped up in my room. I go to the castle on the 27th of Jan. to have my ovaries out I have already had a hyst 2 yrs ago for cancer. My nerves are already a mess and this makes it way worse. I am her only survivng daughter and have no family that can talk to her for me even. She has always been a mess and i have always had to take care of her..right from the day she left my dad when i was 7 ...needless to say I AM DONE!! Please some advice is needed.
Thank you.
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Unread 01-12-2006, 03:00 PM
MY MOTHER wants to come to HELP!! Help me PLEASE

What about DH, could he speak to her on your behalf?

"Look, she is really upset about this whole thing and really needs some alone time." Maybe something like that. If she will not listen to you, maybe she will listen to him.
Unread 01-12-2006, 03:12 PM
MY MOTHER wants to come to HELP!! Help me PLEASE

I have tried that one myself ...she just doesnt hear anything she doesnt want to hear...But thank you for your DH will definately voice his opinion if she shows up for 3weeks that i know..I just dont want to hurt her feelings...she is very easily upset and hurt.there i go again...still trying to take care of HER.
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Unread 01-12-2006, 03:19 PM
MY MOTHER wants to come to HELP!! Help me PLEASE

You really hit the nail on the head, you need to take care of you. I am sure if she is mad about not coming and gets her feelings hurt in the beginning, you could let her know that you need her later on. Moms are like that, they will love you even if you make them mad.
Unread 01-12-2006, 03:34 PM
MY MOTHER wants to come to HELP!! Help me PLEASE

One thing i really need for people to realize is that I DO LOVE MY MOM very much. she just drives me absolutley nuts.( way too much history to list here)
Unread 01-12-2006, 05:53 PM
MY MOTHER wants to come to HELP!! Help me PLEASE

I too have a seriously mentally ill family in denial. Its been my experience with my family that I am doomed if I do and doomed if I don't. Its always a can't win, so over time I've learned to be direct with yes or no answers (after my own therapy). You know your mother and situation and I don't, but it sounds like she'll be there for her not for you. I know you love your mother, but in this situation you need to love yourself first before you can take care of her needs. Perhaps tell her the date you want her to arrive and let her know you will really need her then. Good luck sister. I can relate.


SAH, due to fibroids, kept ovaries
Unread 01-12-2006, 06:24 PM
MY MOTHER wants to come to HELP!! Help me PLEASE

Just a thought, could you convince her to come while you're in the castle, to "help" your family while you're not home, but that you'd think it was best if she went home when you came home, since you wouldn't feel up to company. It was nice to not have any "extras" at home when I came home.
Unread 01-12-2006, 06:31 PM
MY MOTHER wants to come to HELP!! Help me PLEASE

My mom came the day I came home from the castle, with the best intentions. She ended up going home ill after 3 days. But once she left I got so much rest and relaxation. Although she tried to help, everyone went nuts. She tried to change rules for the kids, make them eat stuff they didn't like,was constantly cleaning my house to try to help, etc. So it was extremely stressful for me - and stress isn't good for your recovery. When she offered to come back after she felt better, about a week later, I politely declined and said that I really needed to be alone and just sleep. She respected that and stayed home. You are in a tough spot, but try to put yourself first. Good luck.
Unread 01-12-2006, 06:36 PM
MY MOTHER wants to come to HELP!! Help me PLEASE

Sorry this is happening to you. But please remember, you have no control over other folk's emotions or feelings. You need to tell mom that she is not allowed to come. ( told my mom the same thing before my hyst. when she offered to come). Tell her you love her, but this is not the time for a visit. Remind her that you did the cooking etc...last time and ended up in the hospital for it. Tell her you have plenty of help.
I also have a mother with the "feel sorry for me" kind of attitude. I generally no longer get sucked into it...and guess what?...when we are done with a phone conversation, she now tells me she feels better after we've talked. I used to coddle her, but by doing that we actually make these people worse.
Sorry if I sounded gruff, or mean...but you and I just want the same things for our moms, that they are healthy and as self reliant as they can be.
Have courage ! You can do must do it for your own health. You, your DH, and dear children come first.
Here's some and a !
I'll be thinking of you. LL
Unread 01-12-2006, 06:37 PM
MY MOTHER wants to come to HELP!! Help me PLEASE

Thank you all so much for your ideas and sharing.
My mother NEVER stays for only a few days...It's usually 3-4 weeks at a time and is always broke and makes sure i know it when she gets here. She is the type of person that when i have said no to her in the past she gets into a slump and pouts and acts like there is no reason to go on...actually telling me she was going to off herslef.
I just have no idea what to do about her..short of cutting her out of my life(which i dont have the heart to do)

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